Controlled by Love

He collapses on top of me. I feel the heat from his body. I wrap my arms around him when he tells me he loves me. I stare at the ceiling. My fingers absently trace the lines between his muscles. I close my eyes. My grip tightens around him. I can't kneel before him every time we have a disagreement. My phone, wallet and keys are still locked in the drawer under the phone and he locks me in every time he leaves. This relationship is so fucked up.

I take a deep breath. "I am phoning Peter and Tony today." I feel him jerk from my grip to look down at me.

"Why? They are no longer talking to you."

"It's not healthy being trapped in this apartment every day with no friends. I want to try and work things out with them. I will probably arrange to meet them for a drink so I can discuss it face to face." I feel my stomach clench as he sits up. He's not happy. I try a different technique. "How can I reassure you that you have nothing to worry about."

"By not going Greg."

Fuck he's using my name. I sit up. "You have to trust me and know I'm coming home to you." I touch his face. "The only person I want, is you." I can see his eyes narrow in thought.

He stands up. "No."

I stand up as well. "I think we should take a break from seeing each other."

"What?"

Fuck I regret saying it. "Or we could speak to a relationship counsellor?"

I wake up and realise I'm lying on the bed. What the fuck. My jaw hurts. Bastard must have knocked me out. I move my stuff into the other bedroom and refuse to talk to him when he tries to apologise. I sit against the door and refuse to let him in. I ignore his shit while he tries to brainwash me that not being friends with Peter and Tony is for the best. We are fine, and we don't need a counsellor. He promises to make more of an effort, whatever I want. He offers to take me out for lunch. I open the door.

"Leave the apartment?"

He nods. "Yes."

I go wash my face and brush my hair. I look at my reflection. Its white and miserable. I touch the redness on my cheek. I try to smile but all I want to do is cry. When he's in the toilet I glance at the unlocked door and consider making a run for it. I check the drawer under the phone. My wallet and keys are still locked away. I haven't spoken to my friends in months. I wouldn't get very far. I talk myself out of it.

We go down in the elevator together. He smiles and I autopilot a smile back. I let him order lunch and I sit there like a zombie. Going out isn't even fun anymore. My fork stabs at a piece of chicken. Nothing tastes good anymore. When we get back, I'm just going to stop eating. I hope my death is quick and painless. His phone rings and he apologies. "I need to take this." I don't even look up as he heads outside.

"He's not a good person. You need to get away from him honey.

I glance up at the female voice. "Annie?" Fuck its Annie. I get to my feet and we hug each other.

"You were skinny to start with." She squeezes my arms. "You look miserable." I nod. She lifts my chin and looks at the bruise on my cheek. "If you stay it will get worse." We both glance at Ben. She looks at me. Her thumbs wipe the tears from my eyes. "You're going to get in my car right now." I glance at the door. I'm shaking. There is no way I will get past him.

She makes me look at her. "You can do this." I nod. My heart is racing. She walks outside. I see her pull her car up in front of the door. He's deep in conversation. Someone's horn beeps and I see his attention drawn the other way. Fuck, I do it. I step outside and get in the car. Annie reaches across and locks the door as he reaches to open it. She pulls away. He shouts my name and thuds the window as we leave.

My stomach clenches at the heart wrenching desperation in his voice as he shouts my name. I look in the mirror and I see him fall to his knees as he watches us leave. Fuck it hurts knowing how much he loves me. I glance at Annie and she squeezes my knee as I start crying.

I'm tormented by guilt as I give a statement so I can apply for a restraining order. It seems extreme but Annie insists its necessary. I don't feel like a victim of abuse. I'm a horrible person. I explain this to the lawyer, she suggests I speak to a counsellor, but I decline the offer. I sit outside and wait while Annie gives her statement. They photograph my cheek. They ask if he's ever forced me to have sex against my will. My hands are shaking but I can't do it. I can't have him charged with rape. I tell them he cheated and kept me locked up against my will when I wanted to leave.

I'm sitting in Annie's garden when she hands me her phone. I phone Peter but he hangs up on me as soon as I say it's me. I try again but he won't pick up. I phone Tony. He's understandably icy with me on the phone. I tell him I've left Ben. I have nothing, no phone, wallet, car keys or clothes. I tell him I need my spare door key off Peter, but he won't speak to me. I give him Annie's number and address.

"And when he buys you something pretty are you going to crawl back again?"

"I've spoken to a lawyer. She's applied for an injunction against him. I'm never going back."

I hear the sigh on the end of the phone. "Thank fuck you've finally left him." He tells me Peter was in a pretty bad way after he beat him up. I almost drop the phone. Fuck, I didn't know. I learn he's threatened everyone to stay away from me. I discover Ben fired Annie because she tied the scarf around me. He's never liked anyone touching what belongs to him.

Peter meets me in person with my spare door keys. I do some major grovelling. The fact he doesn't shout and call me a prick worries me. He makes an excuse to use the bathroom. I hear him crying as he speaks to Tony in the bathroom. I don't think I look that bad. Annie warns us to do what the lawyer suggested and change the locks. I use Peter's phone, as he drives me home, and the locksmith is there when we arrive.

It's weird being back home after so long. I open the door to a war zone. Fuck, everything is knocked over and smashed. I feel glass crunch under my boots as I walk from room to room. He's not only smashed the frames, but he's ripped up the only photos I had of my deceased parents. Fuck he knows how to hurt me. I wander upstairs and my clothes are shredded. Peter squeezes my arm. "Your taste in shirts was abysmal anyway." I glance at him and we laugh. It's either that or crying.

I manage to salvage some underwear and toiletries and stuff them in an overnight bag. I hear Peter on the phone to Tony, ranting about what Ben has done. I glance at the phone Ben gave me, there is fifty-three messages from him. The lawyer has told me not to block him because they can use them as evidence. I don't want to see or read them, so I hand the phone over at our next meeting when the injunction is put in place. She returns my wallet, phone and car keys. She confiscates the watch Ben gave me; it has tracking software on it. She also advises I disable all social media and phone apps as they make me easily traceable. I bin my old phone and buy one with a new number. I stay at Peter's for the next month.

We put my apartment on the market after we clean it up. I've had to replace the glass twice on my front door. I can't prove he smashed it. I find my tyres slashed. I'm so mad I speak to his father. It's humiliating having to confess to being in a relationship with his son. He sits silently as I explain the situation. Ben hasn't told him I have an injunction against him. He informs me he will deal with it. I leave.

Beth requests a visit and I reluctantly meet her for lunch. It turns out she was never engaged but she is seeing someone now. I don't ask. She makes excuses for Ben's behaviour. I expect nothing less from her. I'm also not surprised when she tries to persuade me to drop the charges and tries to make me feel like I encouraged him and brought it on myself. I shake my head as I leave. I'm relieved to know he's getting professional help though. Peter drags me to a counsellor. I have a break down when I hear Radiohead's Street Spirit. Giving him up is harder than I thought.

I meet with Annie and after a few glasses of wine, we decide to start our own business. We find a small office overlooking a park in a quiet area and it has an apartment above where I can live. Peter claims you judge an area by the clientele in its bars. Basically, any excuse to check out local men. The four of us find ourselves in the Drowned Poet. Ben is finally becoming a past memory as Annie sits down a round of shots and we focus on the future. Peter lifts his shot. "I feel that guitarist might be part of my future."

Annie sighs as the guitarist looks our way. She comfortingly strokes Peter's leg. "I think he's more Greg's type than yours pet." Peter raises an eyebrow and smiles at me.

I glance at the guitarist and blush as he looks at me. At least he knows guitars are not just for decoration. I hold my hands up. "I'm never dating another man ever. I'm fucking straight from now on." I lift my shot and swallow it. "I want a wife and kids." I make sure I say it loud enough so the guitarist hears.

Annie touches Peter's nose. "Have you never thought about doing it with a woman just once? How do you know you won't like it?"

Tony chokes on his shot. "That would be the most underwhelming experience of any woman's life. Peter, why don't you explain to Annie that you are a lazy bottom bitch who likes to lie back and let others do all the work." Peter gives him the middle finger. Tony wraps his arm around Annie. "I started out with women. Get me drunk enough and you might get lucky."

Annie laughs. "I'm already a lucky woman. My husband's a tiger in the bedroom."

Tony grins. "Oh I've tamed a few of those. Show me what he looks like." Annie smiles and pulls her phone out. Peter rolls his eyes and I laugh.

I'm relieved when my apartment sells, and I can buy and move into the new place. Annie and I are able to bring plenty of business between us and we hire a Secretary called Linzi. I sit quietly in the park eating a sandwich feeling quite content with life as I look at my new combined place of work and residence. If it wasn't for Ben I would never have met Annie or considered working for myself. I sigh. Our relationship wasn't all bad. There was some pretty awesome fucking moments. I smile. I know I've forgiven him and myself and I'm ready to move on.

I wander into the bakers for some afternoon treats for the office. I'm deciding between something with strawberries as part of the healthy five a day or living dangerous with chocolate and cream. The assistant smiles at me patiently.

I glance across the counter at the white overalls that bring a tray from the back of the store. Bakers must lift a lot of heavy stuff for he looks reasonably well built. I glance at his face and a smile breaks across my face. I wonder if he realises his face is covered in flour. I notice him blink at my smile and my cheeks redden. Fuck he'll think I'm a perv for smiling at him.

I decide to take a selection of different cakes. They can fight amongst themselves about who gets what. I glance at the white overalls and our eyes meet again. Fuck. I look away. I can feel my pulse race a little. I quickly pay and leave.

"Excuse me, wait."

I turn around. My eyes widen as he hands me a box. "You should try these; they are really good."

"Uhh thanks." I accept it.

"He holds his hand out. "I'm Jamie."

I blink at his formal address for a moment before I accept his hand and shake it. "Greg. I work in advertising." I point to my office.

"I know. I've seen you sitting in the park having lunch." He blushes at his confession. I smile as he wipes more flour over his cheeks. He points to the building above. "I just moved here a few month ago. His awkwardness is attractive. "There is a bar just a few doors down if you want to meet for a beer sometime. I glance at where he's pointing. The Drowned Poet.

I realise I've seen him before. He's the musician. "You play guitar there?"

His smile widens. "You noticed me? I'm doing an hour tonight from 9pm till 10pm if you're not doing anything. I've written a new song. You could tell me what you think."

I look at his eyes. They are brown with a soft shyness. I nod. "I'll think about it, Jamie." His smile breaks into a grin. I walk away.

"Craig." I turn back curiously.

"I want to get married and adopt a kid one day. My nieces say I'll be a brilliant dad. They might be a little biased because of the cakes though." I stare at him as he waves before he turns and returns inside.

Annie hangs up the phone. "What happened?"

I frown and narrow my eyes at her. "Absolutely nothing. Why?"

She grins knowingly as I sit down the boxes and head to my office. She sits on her desk. "Your cheeks are flushed, and you can't stop smiling dear."

I glance back at her in my doorway. My cheeks do feel warm. "I might be meeting someone later for a beer."

She opens the boxes. "I love him already."

I smile as I close the door. I might too. My heartbeat is still racing. Fuck!