Damn It!

"Thank you, Josie," I said gently rubbing her arms.

"I know," Josephine said warmly while slowly letting me go. "I'm so glad you're back. I missed you."

"Me too," I said before she moved back to her desk and sat down. "Okay, well, I'll go see what I need to catch up on and speak to you in short order."

I figured it was best to get right to work.

"John," Josephine said stopping me before I opened my office door. I looked at her and saw that warm smile.

"Yeah, Josie?" I asked. I know, not the best, but hey, I was getting back into the saddle.

"Do you want me to bring around some home cooked food for you? I can whip up a batch of lasagne or pasta you can freeze. Maybe I can... we can eat together some time?" Josephine asked tenderly. I know she cared but it wasn't like someone had died and I needed that much looking after. Then I remembered.

"Thanks Josie. But I've got that covered, it's all good. Besides, I'm not sure how Mike would take it," I said giving her a wink.

She laughed and did that hand thing where they are blowing you off.

"Don't worry about that old fool. If I need to look after my boss, that's what I do and he doesn't like it... tough," Josephine said in a somewhat serious yet playful tone. "You sure?"

Not that I wanted to take advantage of her or anyone for that matter, but I could see she really wanted to for some reason.

"Tell you what. You pick a night and I'll cook you something. Mike can come too," I said with a smile. "Deal?"

"Deal, but I ain't bringing Mike," Josephine said with a laugh. I shook my head and laughed. It was good to be back.

Josephine went back to her computer and I entered my office. As I walked in, I noticed Carly at my desk, looking at corporate as ever, shuffling paperwork around and looking at my computer screen. I was about to say something when she saw me, smiled and stood up.

It was great to see her, the way she seemed to brighten up. When she came out from behind my desk it was like everything went into slow motion for a split second. The way she walked, so elegant and regal. Her pin stripe skirt that stopped at the knee, her red blouse that suited her perfectly, the glasses and then that smile. There was nothing out of place and I came to realise what I worked with every day. Carly had been nothing short of amazing throughout this ordeal and I couldn't have done any of this without her.

"Hi," Carly said coming up to me. "I'm so glad your back."

Before I could answer, she pulled me in and hugged me tightly. I held her, feeling her against me and then I don't know why but I wrapped an arm around her waist pulling her closer.

"Me too," I said before one of her hands moved up and held the back of my head. The hug was just what I needed. Hell, there were a lot of things I needed, but this was a good start.

Carly slowly pulled back, kissed me on the cheek and then stood very close to me.

"If you need anything. Call me, okay?" Carly said with a warm smile. "Even if it's another hug."

"Absolutely," I said feeling at ease before she moved away. "I should go away more often."

I got a small slap on the arm for that one and that look that men feared.

"No, you don't. We need you around here," Carly said firmly but politely. I'm not sure why, well I guess I needed it, but I pulled her back to me and hugged her again. I felt Carly soften, hugging me to her as her arms came around me. We held that way for a little while, her head on my shoulder as we just stood and hugged. I slowly pulled back and saw her eyes before she blinked a couple of times to clear them, and then strutted back to my desk. "Now, I've taken the liberty of going through some emails and updates. Lots to catch up on and lots of meetings all over. Are you happy to start or do you want to take a few minutes to go through all this?"

"How about I get us some coffee and you can run me through what I missed the last few weeks. Then I'll play catch up," I asked looking at Carly who was about to open her mouth but I stopped her. "Let me do this one small thing to take care of you for once. Okay? You've all been amazing, you especially. It's only coffee."

There was a cute little smile and then a nod.

"Thanks," Carly replied before sitting down at my desk.

"Milk and nine sugars, right?" I asked seeing her suddenly look at me and then her face softened. She realised I was joking with that strange pout women give you when they're not impressed but laughing inside. "Just kidding. Two sugars it is..."

It was hard work getting back into things after being away for a few weeks, but my team had stepped up and made things easy. One of the software leads, Travis Burke had been a huge help and I could immediately see he would be a great right-hand man going forward. I got the impression he did it out of respect more than anything since he was relieved, I was back and he didn't have to do it anymore. As a thank you I organised a night out for him and his wife, out of my own pocket and he initially turned it down but I got him there in the end. Things had changed and I needed to move forward with that. I might have a void in my life but that didn't mean I couldn't spread some joy elsewhere and make sure people understood how precious life was. I didn't want anyone else to feel that void I felt or give them one. So it was easy really. I was going to do what I could to move on and this was only a small part of that.

Chapter 10

Months had passed since the funeral. Even though I didn't think I would ever feel normal again, I was starting to make some headway back to the land of the living. Sure, I still had questions about what happened and why, but I also figured I would never get them answered. But life has a funny way of doing that to you. As much as my stomach churned with emotions in those quiet moments, I made sure to focus on work and staying fit.

When I was at home, I was rarely alone except when going to sleep. That was because either Roger was around for a day here or there, or Anna kept me company. As much as I didn't want to admit it, Anna had been with me the whole time and was wonderful throughout.

Anna always looked at me with that warm and comforting demeanour, and seemed to know what to say and do, all the time. Just like this time.

"Would you like to have dinner with me?" Anna asked. I wasn't sure that was such a good idea and I think she picked up on that. "Just as friends."

I had no other plans and I couldn't be bothered cooking.

"Okay."

"Great, let's head to my place and I'll order us something easy," Anna said taking my arm and leading me to her house.

From the outside it looked a lot like my house, but inside it only had three bedrooms, a large open plan kitchen, dining and living room and no pool out the back. Her block of land was a bit smaller than mine but she had raised her children there and made it a home.

"Ah, I see you've redecorated," I said which was the usual joke I used when visiting. She shook her head and smiled as we stopped by the sofa.

"Make yourself comfortable while I order us dinner," Anna said giving me that look that said I was a 'cheeky devil.'

It was easy being with Anna and we were soon chatting like we always did, sharing about our days and talking about everything. The food arrived and as we ate, I started to have the thoughts of Heather pop into my head. I hadn't thought about what Heather had done for a little while, not that it had ever really left me; but how could I get angry at someone who got so sick? In reality it was just some niggling doubts that stayed with me. So much so that the table was clear and I had a drink in front of me before I realised, I was not paying attention.

"Want to talk about it?" Anna asked kindly. I think she knew by the look I was giving her. "Those thoughts that seemed to shut you down for the last ten minutes. Is it about Heather?"

Damn it, the woman could read my mind!

"Yeah, just some lingering... shit," I replied with a shrug. She took my hand and gave me a loving look.

"It's okay. I'm here... If you feel up to it, I'll listen," Anna said giving my hand a squeeze before I nodded.

It took me a few moments before I figured out the right words to use.

"I need to know something," I asked wondering if Anna was at all involved in Heather's indiscretion.

"What's that?" Anna replied kindly. She had put me at ease all this time, I didn't have it in me to hold back and sugar coat things. So, I did what any highly trained manager with a gift for words did, I blurted it out.

"I found a thong the night Heather came home sick, that first time you went out to see that band. Did they really belong to you?" I asked watching her closely.

"Yes," Anna replied. "She told me she was going to surprise you."

"And you bought that shit?" I asked getting a little terse.

"John, you have to realise she was quite open with me, not that she told you that. We discussed things, I knew about your sexcapades. Why wouldn't I buy it?" Anna replied sincerely. "I had no idea she was planning anything until after that second time, when I had it out with her. That's when she spilled."

I couldn't discount what she said and Anna did seem genuine. Not that I was a lie detector but Anna wasn't being aloof.

"Okay."

"I'm sorry," Anna said still as nice as ever. But I wasn't finished.

"I still have that lingering question though... why she cheated on me," I said looking at Anna.

I wasn't expecting to see the hurt and sorrow on Anna's face.

"Because she knew what was coming and wanted you to be able to move on... easier," Anna said trying her best to remain composed. "I know it's weird, but she thought she had more time than she did..." I looked at her and she knew, nodding at my unspoken question. "Yes, she loved you that much."

I was falling to pieces faster than a smashed window.

"So, she..." I said but couldn't speak any further as the emotions overwhelmed me.

"Yes. Come here," Anna said wrapping me up in her arms as I unloaded a boat load of hurt and anger. After a few minutes I calmed down enough that she let me go and rubbed my back. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," I said letting out a nervous chuckle. "I'm fine. Just adjusting, you know."

"I know," Anna said warmly. "Want to stay the night?"

I looked at her and could see her being kind, but me being me had to try and lighten the mood.

"What? A beautiful woman, bed, me, stay here... some strange old guy, alone with you? Hmm, let me think," I said causing her to laugh and playfully nudge me.

"Cheeky goof," Anna said shaking her head and trying to suppress a laugh. "Seriously though..."

"It's okay. I'll be fine," I said giving her a nod. I had to face this at some point, might as well be now. "Besides I don't think you want to see me walking around nude in the morning..."

"Oh, I don't know," Anna said cheekily.

"Thanks Anna, but I need to be alone for a while," I said standing up and helping her to her feet. "You've done so much for me and I don't know how to repay you, but... thank you."

"You're more than welcome, sweetheart," Anna said hugging me warmly and then kissing my cheek. "I'm only a couple of doors down. Call me day or night. I don't mind."

"Thanks," I said as we walked to the door with our arms around each other.

I opened the door, Anna turned, pulled me to her and kissed my cheek. I kissed her cheek in return and we lingered a moment. I could tell she wanted to say something else, and while I might have wanted to stay, deep down I knew it was best if I left. I had to do this on my own for a while. I just wasn't expecting it to be this hard at times.

Chapter 11

It had been six months since I lost Heather. I did miss her, usually at the strangest times, after all, I had spent a large part of my life sharing it with Heather. Feeling the need to find that joy again, I had been thinking about the one thing we always did together. As strange as it sounds, it was the pumping. So, I got my penis pump out, went out the back by the pool where it was nice and private and began pumping my cock like we used to do. I know it sounds so strange but I started to feel joy again, a closeness to my late wife that I hadn't felt in all those months. Okay, a strange mix of emotions but also, an excitement if you will. Sitting out there completely naked with my cock sucked up in this large tube was exhilarating.

I wasn't expecting to be interrupted as the whole yard had been styled in such a way that it looked luscious and inviting yet gave me absolute privacy. The only way in was through the house or the side gate that was so high you needed a ladder to look over and only then could you see the side of the house. Any time we threw a party out back, most people used the side gate to come down and join us in the paved entertainment area. I started to think about the fun in the pool we had, the times Heather would surprise me by stripping off and jumping in the spa, then streaking over to where I was and kissing me lovingly. I started to get really lost in the moment.

I pumped a little more until it was just right, just like Heather used to do and then I sat back, recalling old times. It felt good to think she was still there with me, but I knew she wasn't. Part of me felt like it was silly to be thinking about her, but another part just told me to hold on that little bit longer. Then I started thinking about others in my life and that got a little conflicted. Resigning myself to the fact that I couldn't win either way, I just sat there and listened to the hum of the pool pump. That was until I got the surprise of my life.

"Oh shit!" I heard a woman say which made me open my eyes suddenly. I scrambled to cover up when I saw Carly standing there staring at my cock in the tube.

"Damn it!" I said loudly using my hands to shield myself while I grabbed a towel.

"I'm sorry. I came to check up on you but you didn't answer I, ah... I'm going to go. Sorry, sorry, sorry," Carly said scampering away down the side of the house. It was obvious to me that she had come down the side gate. I hadn't locked it in ages, and it had been a long time since I had a party, forgetting all about it really.

I jumped up to go after her, but when you have a large tube attached to your cock flopping all about, you don't get very far. Knowing I had to straighten it all out with her, I went inside and got myself decent.

Finally, I tried to call her, but no answer. So, I called the only person I knew that I could talk to and that was Anna.

"Hi," I said once she picked up, with obvious exacerbation in my voice.

"Hey, what's up? Everything alright?" Anna asked with concern.

"Ah. You got a sec? I think I've just done something really bad," I replied worriedly. "Dumb, beyond stupid... really bad..."

She didn't leave me hanging.

"Stay right there, I'll be right over," Anna said and sure enough she was over in a flash. It wasn't hard given how close she lived.

We settled in the lounge and she could tell I was flustered.

"Thanks, I ah," I said shaking my head at the situation I found myself in.

"That's okay. Tell me... what happened?" Anna asked looking at me with that worried look someone gives you when they suspect someone has been killed.

"Christ. I feel like my life is unravelling," I said with a sigh.

"John, what's happened? Are you hurt, is someone hurt?" Anna asked sitting on the edge of her seat.

"Well... you could say that," I replied grimacing. She gave me that look and I knew I had to continue. "I was... out back. You know I've been missing Heather."

"Okay. I know. And?" Anna asked kindly, there was still that look though.

"Well, I was doing something Heather and I liked, by myself... and Carly caught me," I replied staring straight at Anna who gave me that weird look which meant she didn't understand what I was saying.

"Right. What was this thing?" Anna asked almost giving me a sideways look.

"Shit. Do I have to spell it out?" I replied not wanting the world to know what I got up to in my private life.

"John, please. I'm not about to tell anyone, but I'm not a mind reader. It's okay. You can tell me, what happened?" Anna asked calmly. It took me a moment to figure out if she was trying to make fun of me, but in the end, I knew she was sincere.

"Okay, fine," I said taking a big breath in and then exhaling slowly.

"Take your time," Anna said warmly. After a few moments I continued.

"Heather liked to pump my... penis. And I was out there doing that," I said feeling like I was shrinking into my chair. "The side gate is unlocked..."

"Oh. That, no problems. Nothing to worry about," Anna said with a calm smile. She sat back in her chair and looked at me warmly. "Carly caught you doing that?"

"Ah, yeah! Can't you see my problem?" I asked wondering why Anna was so 'okay' with it all. Then I realised the discussion we'd had, Heather had been quite open with Anna about a lot of things.

"Sure, but it's nothing to worry about. Go talk to her, clear it up. She'll be fine, I'm sure. Just explain it the way you did to me," Anna replied with an upbeat tone. "She'll understand, she knows what you've been going through. Look, you and I both know how great she is and has been nothing but supportive and understanding throughout all this. You know Carly is worth it, because of all that, then, she will understand." I wasn't shrinking into the chair so much anymore.

"I tried calling her but she wouldn't pick up," I said fearing it was worse than Anna was making it out to be.

"Give her some time to process it. She's just caught her boss doing something sexual. If she's a full-blooded woman I'm sure she's thought about you in that way before, and now she was confronted with the idea that you are a sexual creature, we normally don't get to see our fantasies in front of us. I'd suggest to go and see if you can talk to her face to face, " Anna said warmly and ever so calmly. "Trust me, I got to know her a bit too when we were all supporting you and Heather. She's into you..."

"You think so? How would you know she has thought of me in that way," I asked uncertain about her explanation.

"John, you big dope. You're a handsome man. Men and women think about each other sexually all the time. An educated guess would be that Carly has definitely done it. Hell, I've thought about you in that way. We're all human, relax," Anna replied with a smile. "It will all blow over, you'll see."

"I hope so," I said relaxing a bit. I hated to admit it, but Anna had been a comfort more time than I cared to mention over the last few months. She had been able to put me at ease quite a few times.

"I know so, now, since I am here," Anna asked with a smile. "And I have nowhere to be... Dinner?"

"Sure," I said relaxing further but there was one thing that stuck in my mind. "Can I ask you something first though?"

There was that look again, but this time with a tinge of a smile.

"Sure."

"You didn't flinch when I mentioned the pump. Is there something I should know?" I asked curiously. That made her blush and smile brightly. It took her a few moments before she answered.

"Let's just say Heather and I discussed bedroom ideas a lot," Anna replied turning redder by the second. That revelation blew me away. Perhaps Heather had shared some very intimate details with Anna, more than I ever realised. Perhaps Anna knew more intimate details about our sexual escapades all these years than I first thought.

"You two talked about it?"

"That might be the case," Anna said trying to redirect my attention away from her flushed cheeks and chest with her hands. "Now, how about that dinner?"

I knew that deflection and after having to embarrass myself in front of her, I figured I'd let Anna have that win. I nodded and we got up, ready to have dinner with each other. In the back of my mind I knew I had to reach out to Carly and smooth it all over. I just hoped she would be at work tomorrow so I could at least start that process.