Defiled: Him

Noah coughed and asked, "Are you going back home for Christmas?"

I shook my head. "I would rather stay here if that's okay for you... I hate Joseph. We don't speak, don't look at each other, it's just too uncomfortable."

"I hate him too," he said quietly.

We sat like that for a while.

Finally, Noah darted at me with a quick gaze. "I'm staying too, anyway. I took the Christmas shift, they pay it triple."

"So if that's not a difference for you, I would rather stay..."

He nodded. "Sure. No problem."

And another moment of silence.

"Why didn't you tell Tye about your suspicions you can be Nick's half-brother?"

"Well, you may argue I'm making another mistake keeping it secret... But it's much more than that. I don't want to meet the fucker, who deliver a load of jizz that created me. He kicked my mother in her ass the moment she realized her period... was delayed. I don't want to deal with his family, and... to be honest, I don't want to destabilize his family. Not because of him, but because he has another, younger son. The boy is thirteen now. It would turn out toxic if I revealed myself."

Noah fixed his eyes on my face with some shock.

"Are you serious?"

I shrugged. "Why the surprised face? I may be the son of an asshole but not gonna be one myself. Too many evil things happened already. It's enough. Some innocent kid doesn't have to suffer."

"So let me get this right: you first suffered, so your mother wouldn't be kicked out and your half-sister could live, so the Tye suffering was limited, and now you care for some kid you don't even know? Who are you?"

I didn't understand what his problem was. I just lowered my head over my plate.

"Tye is stupid choosing this Nick guy over you..." He reached out his hand with calloused(from gym) fingers, grabbed my palm, and said, "I wouldn't..."

I froze, as it was almost like a confession, I wasn't still ready to accept. Seconds were passing and his fingers were still squeezing mine. I stared at this for a while, and he finally gave up, moving it back to its original place by the plate.

Clearing my throat I shyly raised my eyes to him.

"Thank you," I managed with a slightly shaky voice. And quickly stood up to gather our empty plates.

He obviously understood my discomfort as he discontinued our conversation. He only asked if I wanted to watch a movie and I agreed.

So, this evening we spent watching some comedies and just casually talking. We were kinda fed up with the drama that was going on for the last seven months. I could feel in the air the need for some fresh, different energy.

***

The next two weeks went pretty much the same.

I started to run some social media for Noah's friend to whom he recommended me earlier.

Day after day, I prepared meals for him, even on his days off. We also went to the gym together, he, however, did heavy lifting, and I was on the treadmill because I loved to jog. Tye used to say I had a great butt because of my passion for running.

The next day was Christmas.

I was planning on spending the day alone in his flat, but somewhere near the end of his shift, I took an Uber and decided to pay Noah a visit.

I knew what building he worked in as a security guard, it was an upscale apartment building where a few famous people had their apartments. When I showed up, I needed to... buzz the entry phone in the lobby and wait for someone to let me in.

One other security guy showed up and asked what I wanted. So I asked if I could see Noah.

The man asked something with his "walkie-talkie". Upon receiving the answer, he let me in.

I was met with Noah's very surprised eyes; he was sitting in some kind of "security room" or "monitoring office" with myriads of screens all around.

"Jamie? What are you doing here? What happened?" He stood up and came toward me with genuine concern on his face

"Nothing, Noah. I just wanted to pay you a visit. Say... Merry Christmas, and whatnot."

His eyes wandered over my face with intense attention. "That's... so kind of you."

"I've prepared some... delicious meals waiting for you to come home. But maybe on the way back we can buy some... booze on the way back?"

Noah chortled. "Seriously? Well, I don't mind. I don't usually drink, but why not. Today we can make an exception."

"I also bought you a little present. But I don't have much money yet, so don't expect anything crazy."

"Jamie, you didn't have to do that..."

"But I wanted to."

"Noah!" One of the other security guards called for him. "Your shift is done in ten minutes, you can go now, why let your friend wait?" And he winked.

So we soon went out heading toward Noah's car waiting at the parking lot.

We were walking and talking in a rather cheerful and light mood. We stopped by the grocery shop and bought... alcohol. A lot of it. A LOT. I was pretty surprised looking at how many bottles we packed in our shopping bags, walking back toward the car.

Well. If something was about to be revealed it should surely be today.

After we returned to Noah's apartment, we ate the meal I had prepared and Noah opened my gift. It wasn't anything special, I bought him a breakfast box because I wanted to pack his lunch properly, and some cosmetics. He bought me... a chess set as he knew I wanted a real one and not just to play online chess on the internet. We sipped alcohol the whole time.

After the gift exchange, we sat down in front of his laptop and decided to watch Home Alone because it was just... classic.

We sat next to each other on the sofa and commented on some outdated elements in the movie and laughed at some scenes.

I noticed of course that Noah put his hand behind my head, on the back of the sofa, but didn't say anything. The alcohol started to have its effect.

My speech became a bit sluggish, my vision a bit blurry, I was reacting slower, and couldn't do any sudden moves.

I also started to laugh stupidly, and as we started to watch Dirty Dancing, I became even more relaxed, talking some shit and gigging childishly almost all the time.

Noah was more resilient but after some time he also began to show signs of intoxication. I could feel his palm was kinda leaning on my neck a bit, but I just didn't care. Soon his fingers were playing a bit with longish strands on my back.

In the movie, as the last dance of Dirty Dancing took place, I jumped up and started dancing, trying to persuade Noah to join in, but to no avail, so I danced alone, swinging all around the room, probably acting very crazy and irresponsible, as I should notice Noah narrowing his eyes and watching my dance moves with strange intensity.

I kinda didn't care, I was swaying my hips, raising my hands above my head and touching my body with somehow... erotic movements. I was in such a trance that I behaved as I never would under normal circumstances, I didn't care, the whole world was just a blur, a haze.

And then this happened.

Noah stood up and almost charged toward me. He grabbed me by the waist, pulled me toward him and leaned toward my ear.

"You... need to calm down, Jamie... It's too much, okay?"

But I only giggled again and wrapped my arms around his neck, "Let's dance, Noah, just daaaaaaaance!!!" I yelled literally hanging myself on his neck.

I felt him trying to stabilize my body, but his hand wandered toward my hips and buttocks as he did so. I heard his sharp breath as he squeezed them and pulled me closer to him, then... I felt something hard pressing on my abdomen. It was pretty obvious what it was.

When I realized it, I gurgled, feeling absurdly drunk.

The world was swirling around, but I couldn't care less, if I was sober, the feel of his hands moving over my butt and the small of my back would probably startle me. But the alcohol made me almost impassive to what was going on, and his touch was just too surreal, it kept me from feeling threatened.

It was like a vision, a hallucination, so I felt immune to all of that.

"You need to go to sleep, Jamie..." I heard his voice over my ear, and felt his push, he was steering me in the direction of my bedroom. "You're way too drunk to go crazy like that..."

He pushed me toward my bed, but as I was clinging to his shirt I pulled him over me, and because he was no less drunk than I was, we both kinda tumbled to the bed.

His head fell somewhere between my shoulder and my neck, close to my ear and I registered that he made a sharp inhale as if realizing that he is actually lying on me, as never happened before... He was tense for some time, while I was pliant and just not present in that moment. Then all of a sudden, he moved, and his wet lips were on my ear.

I could now vaguely hear his whispers, which sounded like: "Jamie, Jamie, Jamie..." and also "You smell so good..." and on top of that - a very telling: "I'm crazy about you...".

The last one kinda shook me off my hazed state a bit. Some realization started to sink in, what he was trying to tell me before in a more subtle way, just being by my side, supporting me - he finally articulated it - while... being drunk.

I felt the wave of fear from the unknown, mixed with an unhealthy tinge of excitement. I was so blocked off from everyone else except for Tye, that nothing before could penetrate this protective shield of mine, I didn't allow myself to even think I could be with someone else, surely not with Noah, especially because of my sense of loyalty.

This could be treated as a betrayal, if I were courted by Tye's own brother

But the alcoholic intoxication has certainly loosened my sense of morality. And when I felt his wet lips on my neck, I couldn't muster enough strength to push him away from me (he was also very heavy).

The weight of his body on mine scared me and made me gasp nervously, remembering all the r**es I had experienced, but on the other hand, I also remembered the feel of Tye's body on mine, and oddly enough, Noah smelled similar to Tye, which calmed me down a bit and made the situation more familiar in a way.

Noah kissed my neck with passion, probably leaving me hickeys, sucking on my skin, his hands were wandering over my rib cage and my sides, and my hips, I started to feel the first wave of panic suffocating me, but as I tried to rise my hands to push him away, they - almost without my will - embraced him!

WTF? My poor, drunk body wasn't listening to my mind anymore and that was so creepy. It was almost like my body wanted to be touched, caressed and held, and... treated well! Treated kindly again... because I still remember two years of my relationship with Tye, and all the great sex we had. It wasn't completely lost on me.

It was just suppressed - but not erased.

Suddenly Noah lifted his head from over my neck and started to kiss my face, my cheeks, temples, and even my forehead. It was rather... pleasant, almost calming feeling. Just light pecks over my skin, gentle and tender. It made me crave even more of this tenderness I didn't know since the day me and Tye broke up.

And it was such a nice feeling... I couldn't just tell him to stop. I wasn't determined enough, or rather, my fear and memories of pain and r**e were thankfully dampened by all the buzz we had been drinking.

Then Noah's lips covered mine. It was like a shock to my whole system. I froze under him and felt like his warm tongue was trying to invade my mouth. Because I was so pliant, softened down by the alcohol, my mouth opened on itself, and he penetrated it with his tongue. I was trembling under him while he was conquering me like that - I could do nothing more.

So, he kissed me... and kissed me, and kissed me even more, and I was kinda drifting away, just surrendering to the feeling, maybe even responding a bit? I felt his hard dick rubbing on my thigh, but I was just too numb to react strongly to his actions.

Suddenly he lowered his lips to my ear and whispered breathlessly, "Please, Jamie, please, please let me make love to you, please just this one time, I beg you..."

His pleading was a pure shock for me. I tried to push him off me, but my hands were not listening, they just fell to my sides.

I went silent, and he was continuously pleading, whispering into my ears confessions about how much he wanted me, how he dreamed about me, how he was jealous of Tye for years...

I was listening to it in this numb state, his words were kinda flying over my head, not reaching me too deeply, so I wasn't even aware of the real meaning behind it.

"Please, let me make love to you, let me make you feel good Jamie, I can, I swear I can..." he was assuring me, directing these hot whispers into my ears.

Being almost indifferent to what was going on with my body, I finally mumbled,

"Okay."

At that moment I really didn't care what was happening to me, I was just flowing around half conscious, maybe it would be best for me? Not to feel too much? Not to think too much? And that way I could pretend it was no big of a deal?

My wonderful memories of sex with Tye mixed with the horrible memories of the r**e - it became a strange entanglement that robbed me of the will to engage in it, but also to run away from it.

I found myself in a strange limbo, right between YES and NO, which made me completely indecisive.

The alcohol made me mumble "okay," but that was all I could do. The indecision paralyzed my will and my reason.

Soon I felt him pull up my shirt, and his wet lips touched my nipples, he mewled over my little nubs, and his fingers hooked into my waistband. I made a small, whimpering sound, very faint and soft, as he exposed me and my poor, flaccid cock. I could feel his lips roaming closer and closer to it, and finally, he kinda sucked the dead "shrimp" inside his mouth, but I felt nothing, I was numb. His efforts had almost no effect, I just was not present in my body, so he soon moved on to my balls and gave up on trying to bring my cock back to life.

Then I felt his fingers - on my ass cheeks and sliding between them, touching my clenched pucker. I almost cried out. My body arched in protest (or so I thought, because I was pretty limp overall), I wanted to push him away so badly that tears even gathered in my eyes, but my mouth was silent. I felt Noah's finger, covered with his saliva, entering me.

Everything in me protested against the penetration, but on the other hand, a strange calamity began to flow down on me. Almost like an unexpected grace, I suddenly felt this odd, almost sweet submission take possession of me.

It was... The trust.

The one thing I always felt toward him. Even more than with Tye, with his nervousness, intensity and craziness.

And I gave myself to Noah.

I knew that he would never hurt me, the rational part of me began to overcome the less rational, emotional part that trembled and jerked inside me, scared to death.

So, I relaxed a bit, just melting in the sheets, letting him finger me with one, then two, then three fingers. Tye was always doing that, it was a ritual, but my rapist never did it, I needed to prepare myself before he was visiting me, by stuffing a buttplug inside, if I didn't want to bleed after his visits.

So, the fact Noah was doing it himself, made him more like Tye, his moves were gentle, he really cared, so I wouldn't feel pain. In one moment he stood up, which I barely registered, other than that I felt a sudden wave of cold air on my naked body, but he soon returned. This time I felt a cold substance covering my pucker, and I realized it was the lube.

His fingers were now moving smoothly in and out, but my body was simply too numb to take anything out of it, neither pain nor pleasure. I simply existed outside the realm of physical stimuli.

Then he rose above me, and I felt his heavy body crushing me, squeezing the breath out of my chest. For some reason, that didn't feel bad at all. I just felt immobile and passive as I realized his cock was pressing on my entrance

Damn, it was huge! Somewhat bigger than Tye's and a lot bigger than the rapist's. But my body, softened by the alcohol, swallowed him, inch by inch. I stared at the ceiling, which was moving and swaying a little, as if I were in a helicopter.

I could hear his quiet whispers again behind my ear, Noah was mumbling some sweet nothings like "you feel so good" or "so warm, so tight..." But I was just lying and letting it happen. Not moving, not saying anything, he was thrusting inside my passive body, and nothing was important to me.

However, I realized that I probably should do something about it. The reality could not be... too surreal, I couldn't let it continue. So I decided to fight against the well-known temptation to let my body separate from my mind, as I was doing during the assaults.

I forced myself to keep my consciousness inside my body, trying to feel something... Anything! Trying to stay aware of the stimuli I was receiving. I subconsciously knew I should break the pattern of escaping from my body, if I wanted to enjoy sex anytime in the future. That was my defense mechanism, but it wasn't needed here. I agreed to have sex with Noah, and I wanted to at least try to make it into something more normal, more healthy.

And my approach somewhat worked! The almost hypnotic, slow movements, gentle sliding in and out of my poor hole were weirdly relaxing. After some time, I began to feel more and more at ease, the rhythmic movement oddly calming.

Closing my eyes, I tried to go deeper into the mixed feelings inside my body, awaken them and try to untangle them from the traumatic past. My conscious effort paid off. Slowly, but surely it began to change. The pleasant smell of Noah's body and the warmth of his skin rubbing over me was adding to my pleasure.

Noah tilted his head and kissed me again, he was now deep inside my anal hole and his tongue was sinking in my mouth hole, I was double penetrated like that, and weirdly enough - I was fully submitting to it.

The thought of being so completely at his mercy, was arousing in a bit of a sick way. But it was simultaneously thrilling to just let go, but not because of pain and fear, but because of trust and just... submission by my own choice and will. And he was probably the only person to help me in that process because I instinctively knew he always wanted only the best for me.

Noah was gentle, not rushing anything - his swaying movements (though his dick was thick) were unhurried, almost as if he were giving me an internal, healing massage

My body went from a tense state to a sort of pink-jelly soft state as I consciously settled into experiencing more and more pleasure from his thrusts in my passage. The nervous tightening and clenching disappeared, and my arching hips - became relaxed.

Suddenly I heard something.

A moan. My moan?!

It was almost unbelievable, and the most shocking discovery was about to happen. I felt my cock rubbing over something, and it was quite delightful stimulation. But how? The "dead shrimp" resurrected? Wow. I realized that I was getting hard!

Yes, an incredible event was taking place. I haven't been hard since the last time I had sex with Tye (except for the occasional jerking off)... How could that be, I was sure I was completely blocked to sex with another person. But that didn't seem to be the case.

My moans were seemingly flying from my mouth without my conscious will. My hands rose and embraced Noah's slightly sweaty back. Feeling it, he made a quiet sound, almost like in relief.

"God, Jamie... I want you to feel good... I want nothing more than that, baby," he whispered, his hot breath blowing on my cheek.

His words were like... powerful electric current, freeing me in a way, my dick throbbed hardening even more, and I made a loud groan, almost letting out some part of negative energy off my system.

Noah cupped my face, nearly stopping his rhythmic movements between my thighs, "You deserve the best, baby, let me take care of you, please..." he whispered with such intensity and passion in his voice it just made some barriers in me crumbled, and I felt tears flowing from the corners of my eyes.