Defiled: Him

"What do you want, Tye?" Noah's voice was surprisingly calm.

"Why do you even hang around with that slut?!" Tye growled, "Care to explain that to me, why do you have my whore of an ex-boyfriend in your apartment?!"

"He is not a slut, and I don't owe you any explanations, as you are not together anymore," Noah's voice remained calm and cold.

"What about loyalty to your own brother?!"

"I don't owe you that, since you don't know all the facts."

Tye snorted. "Will you let me in, or you will keep your own brother on the doorstep?" He narrowed his eyes.

Noah moved aside, "By all means, come inside. But if you touch him, even with one finger, that will not end well for any of us."

Tye went past his brother and marched toward the kitchen, where he sat down by the table with a face so cold and unmoving, that he resembled a statue.

Noah sat on the opposite side and I leaned on the kitchen counter.

"So? Why are you hosting that slut here?" Tye repeated his question, more or less.

"He is not a slut. He has a name," his brother responded with an impassive voice.

"Oh? Did he manipulate you too? Lie to you? Did you fuck him already? He's not an innocent virgin for sure, hate to break the news to you..."

Noah growled and bent his back a bit, pointing his finger in Tye's angry face.

"You have no idea what you are talking about!"

"No?! So tell me! Enlighten me! Made me unsee, what I saw with my own eyes, the slut getting fucked by some motherfucker in their backyard! There is no going around that!"

I never ever in my life saw greater contempt on any person's face, than on Tye's face now.

"Oh, there is..." Noah said slowly, almost with a growl.

"Noah!" I whined. "Please..."

Noah looked at me angrily. "I've had enough of him insulting you over and over again, when he doesn't know the truth about what happened!"

"I beg you, Noah. Leave it! Please! He already moved on, he is over it, he is happy! Don't spoil it for him!" I clasped my hands together in a begging gesture.

"What. Are. You. Two. Talking. About!" Tye emphasized each word in a weird way.

"Nothing important," I responded tersely.

"O, I bet it's important; otherwise he wouldn't have such a 'serious' face," Tye snorted angrily. "Let's hear what excuse the arsonist gave to my naive brother"

I froze.

"What?!"

"What?" Noah joined me to my surprise.

"Did you set a fire under our doors, bitch?" Tye asked it with such conviction I doubted that anything I would say could ever make him believe me. No fucking way.

It was a shock for me, that he could for a second believe I would want his harm. I closed my eyes for a moment and whispered, "Do you really think that a day after you returned from the hospital I would want to kill the only person I love?"

Tye leaped to his feet and jumped toward me so quickly, Noah didn't have time to react.

He grabbed my neck, as if wanting to squeeze the life out of me, and only then did Noah place him in a chokehold, tearing him away from me. I fell to my knees, feeling the uncontrollable tears rising in me. I embraced my own shoulder with my hands, whining quietly.

"You fucking whore!!! Don't you ever dare use the word 'love', you taint it with your fucking mouth! You have no idea what love is!"

And then Noah hit him with his fist and Tye fell on the floor, with a weird wailing sound.

"Don't hurt him... I beg you, he had a concussion two weeks ago!" I yelled to Noah, still sobbing.

Noah also sat on the floor, with his back leaning on the kitchen counter, and pressed his hands to his face. He truly looked defeated.

We were now all three on the floor. All devastated, in our own way. Noah by the kitchen counter, me on my knees, and Tye lying flat, his eyes fixed on the ceiling.

"I didn't set fire to your room, Tye. I was there, and I saw this girl, Tamika, running away from the dorm. I felt the smoke and called the emergency dispatcher."

Tye huffed only, but I knew he didn't believe me.

"I would never want you to be hurt, Tye. That's... what I always wanted to minimize. The hurt."

He started to laugh almost hysterically, he put his hand over his eyes, and just laughed.

"The hell you're referring to? You are the epitome of the word 'hurt' in my fucking life!"

"You're not the only one who was hurt..." Noah murmured.

"Oh? How did I hurt him, tell me? Because I loved him? Because I wanted to marry him? Such hurtful, cruel doings on my side!" The irony in his voice was like a slap in my face.

"You weren't r**ed every week for two months, like Jamie was, so shut the fuck up!"

The silence that came after Noah's words was like a cosmic void. Nothing, not even our breaths could be heard in the kitchen. So, the truth was out. So, he said it. I clenched my fists, fighting the powerful shivers taking over me.

Finally, I broke.

"No... Noah! You had no right! No right... I never said you could tell him! He was already good, he had his life put together..."

"Yeah, he did. On false premises. You took the choice from him, Jamie. And you both suffered because of it."

I stared at him with my eyes wide open. I felt betrayed, but weirdly enough - freed!

Noah glanced at me, his jaws clenched. "I told you from the beginning: You need to tell him. He would have found the way out of it!"

"My mother would have been thrown out of the home with an unborn child inside her!" I screamed at the top of my lungs!

They both twitched.

But Noah did not stop. "Show him! Show him your scars, Jamie! After you tried to commit suicide! The same day, he saw you in the garden, show him, Jamie!"

"No, Noah... don't... don't you do it! I beg you... We need to leave it, we need to forget!" I pleaded, sobbing hysterically.

Tye sat down slowly. His face was weirdly dark and gloomy, and absolutely motionless.

"Were you really r**ed, Jamie?" Tye's voice was almost impassive.

"Wow, so he's not called 'slut' anymore? You remembered he has a name?" Noah grimaced.

"Shut up! Answer me, Jamie!" Tye growled.

I felt two warm streams of tears wetting my face.

"Yes. I was r**ed."

His face didn't change. "Who was it?"

"A man to whom Joseph owed a big debt. His boss."

"How long was that going on?" It sounded almost robotic.

So I also started to talk with a similar - almost impassive, bland voice:

"Since the day you and I had sex in the gazebo. We were surprised that somebody was in the house. You said the light was on in the kitchen. So, I went back to the house and noticed them arguing. That was the day Joseph said I need to pay his debt. By... becoming this man's private fuck slave. After he r**ed me for a couple of hours, I ran to your house. But you weren't there. The only person home was Noah. I cried and cried and realized... I couldn't tell you. I knew it would break you and destroy my family. My pregnant mother and I would be thrown out of the house, Joseph said that. And my young sister, who was born just 2 weeks ago... she wouldn't have a home, perhaps my mother would abort her, as she did with her pregnancies before. It was their only chance. It was all on me."

Tye looked very weird. His face was almost pale-gray, his breath was hoarse. He raised his eyes to the ceiling, looking like a dying man. Even his lips went blue.

"Was this... the man I saw you with?" I could barely understand what he was saying, his jaws seemed clenched.

"Yes. I never cheated on you, Tye. I never had sex with anyone, except what was forced on me by this man."

Tye raised his hands and covered his face.

There was this horrible silence again, with small breaks only, when I was sobbing and nothing more.

And then Tye asked, not tearing his hands from his face,

"Why didn't you trust me, Jamie? Why did... why did you let this all fall apart! God! Why did you tell me all this stuff about Grindr and wanting to fuck other men!?"

"I wanted you to hate me. To dump me. To be... completely over me. I wasn't only yours anymore, Tye. I was tainted. Our... beautiful relationship, and bond... shattered. I was not worthy of your love, after he defiled me. I didn't feel I deserve you anymore."

Tye made a weird, almost sobbing sound. I could see two tears flowing down from the corners of his eyes, but then suddenly...

"You're so fucking stupid!" He leaped on his legs in just one second.

Noah and I flinched, shocked by his violent move.

"Why did you hide it?! Why did you lie to me... about all of that!? Presented yourself like an ungrateful bitch?! You really thought I would push you away after something that wasn't your fault?! I didn't realize how low an opinion you had of me... about my love for you?! Did you see me as that shallow? That immature?! You destroyed us, Jamie! You destroyed us more than he did!"

I looked at him in shock, panting intensely, but I felt like there was no air in the room.

"And what could you do?! Go to the police?! Destroy this man in some way and leave Joseph's debt unpaid! He didn't have savings, he's an ex-alcoholic! He would be ruined too, and our family would be down with him! This debt was huge!"

Tye started to curse and did it for about one minute straight.

After that, he leaned his arms and head on the kitchen wall and went silent for a second before he said, "It's all... so fucked up! I'm gonna kill the bastard..."

"No! No killing! Leave it alone, it would only be worse!" I yelped.

He seemed to be in shock, with pale blue and gray on his face.

I could see how much his hands were trembling.

"One thing," he suddenly asked, "Why did you transfer here, Jamie? If you thought it couldn't be mended anyway..." His voice was hoarse.

"Because... I missed you so much. I fought it. But I couldn't forget you. Because I love you."

I could see Noah's face tense, becoming almost as pale as his brother's. He was still sitting on the floor with his knees pulled close to his chest.

Tye turned toward me and our eyes met. There was a deep sadness in them.

"You waited too long to tell me this, Jamie. Too long. I would have turned the world upside down to make the situation right. Now... it all went too far. I have feelings for Nick. God! It's... so fucked up! Why, why you didn't... I still can't grasp it! Why didn't you trust me?!"

I didn't answer, only lowered my gaze to the floor. I felt so weak and almost impassive, without any will to fight left in me. Slowly, what Noah had been telling me from the beginning started to sink in. He was right all along, I should have told this to Tye... I destroyed our chance. Me. Not Joseph's boss. My decision was the only one that mattered in the end.

"I understand..." I whispered. "You moved on."

Tye stared at me for a moment and suddenly he rushed toward me and grabbed me, pulling me into his arms, so well known to me, so loved by me...

He pressed my head to his shoulder and whispered,

"Jesus... you should have told me, Jamie, not deal with that by yourself, you made us both suffer miserably... I loved you so much, and what you did only broke my heart into a million pieces... I don't know what to do now... I really don't know...Oh, God!"

Over his shoulder I could see Noah's eyes bore into us as we hugged each other. So much hurt in his eyes...

"God, Jamie... The thought of you... the thought alone of how you suffered, lonely.." I realized Tye was sobbing also, holding me in his arms. We were both sobbing now, slightly swaying from side to side, as if in a soothing move.

"He wasn't lonely, Tye. He had me, when you weren't around," I was a bit shocked by the anger I could hear in Noah's voice.

The bitterness... He was right, he was the one supporting me, I guess I didn't appreciate it, but he was always in the background pulling me up, when I was falling.

Tye turned his head and looked at him.

"So why the hell didn't you protect Jamie from that perv?! If you knew! I would! I would sell my fucking soul to help him!"

Noah's face was pale and hardened.

"I respected his wishes!"

He leaped to his feet and left the kitchen, slamming the door to his room loudly.

"I threatened him. I said I would kill myself, if he told anybody..." I whispered, wiping my tears.

He straightened his arms moving me away from his chest.

We were looking each other in the eyes.

"What now...? I asked him. "I messed up. I was stupid... not to trust you. I thought I was doing what was right, I was scared the r**e would forever destroy what we had, so innocent and beautiful. So pure. That our relationship would have that long shadow casting over it. Nothing would be the same anymore, if I would tell you, even our sex would suffer..."

Tye tightened his lips.

"Jamie, don't you understand? I can't be with you, baby. I still love you but I also love someone else. I would break some other person's heart. I'm not like this, I can't go back to you, it's... too late for us. It's cruel to tell you that, after what you've been through, but we can't turn back the hands of time. Our roads are going in separate directions. I wanted you so fucking much, but there was obviously a reason why this happened, we weren't that ideal match because you didn't believe you could trust me with your tragedy. There was an issue, even if we both didn't see it on the surface. Our bond had some... malfunction at the base. You didn't believe I could be with you for the better and for the worse... Can't you see?"

I fought very hard not to cry, and I managed to only nod in agreement. I realized - he was right - there was no hope anymore. But I somehow knew it before. I screwed up. I wanted to do it so no one would be hurt, but failed miserably.

And in the end everyone was hurt. Even innocent Noah.

"I'm with Nick now, Jamie. I'm sorry... sorry, baby..."

I felt my jaws painfully clenching. "Don't... don't call me that anymore... the word... belongs to him now."

Tye blinked and nodded slowly. Then he kissed my forehead and whispered, "You will always have a friend in me, Jamie. Take care!" Then he turned around.

And just like that, he left.

Seeing the door closing...

...I felt like a drunk person, swaying a bit from side to side, almost sick from the sheer amount of pain I felt in my body now. I couldn't stay like that. I slowly slumped to the kitchen floor and curled there, being on the verge of losing consciousness.

The sobbing just could not be stopped; I wept, I cried, tears falling down from my swollen eyes. I shivered and trembled...

And suddenly I felt gentle hands embracing me.

Noah lifted me from the floor and carried me to the bed, where he put me, and covered me with the duvet.

"Please... please Noah. Stay with me. Hold me. The two times you hugged me before made me forget about all the pain for a moment, please make that magic again... please, hold me tight!" I muttered.

He made a strangled sound and slowly laid down next to me, pulling my body toward his chest, my head landed on his shoulder. His embrace was strong, almost pushing the breath out of my sobbing chest, and I needed it exactly like that, his stable, strong arm around my broken self.

My cries slowly became quieter and quieter... until they totally stopped and I sank into this calm, warm haze, forgetting, as I hoped, just snuggling to him, and feeling soothed, tranquil again.

***

I was awakened suddenly at about 6AM, almost like someone patted me from the inside. I sat up, and looked at Noah, who was still sleeping motionless, next to me. His face was calm, his lips slightly parted, he looked... so innocent. I swallowed and leaned over him, watching his face for a while, his quiet breathing. I felt some weird pain in my chest, thinking about last evening, and the support he showed, like... he always did. No matter what!

With clenched jaws, I stood up, noticing I was still in my tight black pants and clingy tank top.

Furrowing my brows, I left the room. I knew Noah was to go to work at 7AM. Despite the fact that I just transferred here, my semester was about to start in the next three weeks, just after the Holiday break. I wasn't planning on going home for Christmas. I decided to stay with Noah, and just take in the reality of what my life would look like there.

I entered the kitchen and started to prepare breakfast for Noah. I made bacon with eggs, as I knew he liked them. I also prepared some sliced tomatoes and salad, and put that with some toast on his plate. I heard his phone alarm ringing and soon after Noah emerged from my room, scratching his neck.

He froze, seeing me standing next to the table. We looked each other in the eyes. I could see a slight shadow of bitterness and sadness there.

"I've prepared breakfast for you, Noah," I mumbled, showing him the plate.

There was a moment of silence, then he swallowed, and slowly nodded.

"Thanks. So..." He looked to the side and cleared his throat. "How did your conversation with Tye turn out? What does the future hold for you two?"

I chuckled with a sour face.

"And what do you think? You were right from the beginning, Noah. I made a crucial mistake then. I didn't feel like our relationship was strong enough to survive. I was... romanticizing it to the point it lost its connection to reality. It was a fairytale... It didn't pass the hard test."

Noah pursed his lips together and sat down by the table, pulling the plate closer. He didn't comment, so I soon joined him with my plate. He ate it in silence and stood up.

"I'll go shower now."

He wanted to leave the kitchen but this time it was me, who grabbed his hand. Of course, I wouldn't be able to stop him for the life of me, but he stopped nevertheless.

"I'm grateful for all you have done for me, Noah. You have respected my wish. And I threatened you with... suicide. You did everything you could to convince me to do the right thing. The consequences are mine alone. I told Tye so he'd know."

I could see some slight, very slight twitch on his face, but I couldn't read it right.

Clenching my fingers on his massive arm, I whispered, "Thank you, Noah. Thank you for being there for me. Tye was right. I didn't trust him with my tragedy. But I did confide in you. I trusted in your strength. That's the difference here, I didn't understand then. But I knew you could handle it... while he would go crazy. He would do something irresponsible," I whispered breathlessly.

Noah lowered his head. "I also did something irresponsible."

I raised my eyebrows. "What?"

He shook his head. "Nevermind. I appreciate what you said. I need to shower, Jamie."

And he left the kitchen, just like that! Was he hurt more than I thought? Yep, I was in a complete void now, lost, confused and unhappy, so I just changed into my jogging outfit and went running a bit around the condominium.

I ended up running for two hours straight, until I was so tired, I went back to Noah's flat, took a shower and went to sleep.

The rest of the day I spent in a very miserable mood. My thoughts were all over. I was dealing with the definitive end of my relationship with Tye all over again - feeling angry at myself. Going in circles on what I could do and couldn't do. After hours of killing myself with intense guilt and gut-wrenching regret, I was so exhausted I decided to do something physical, and I cleaned the apartment, then prepared dinner for Noah.

When he was back from his shift and again, I could see some flicker of surprise in his eyes.

As he sat down and started to eat, he suddenly raised his head and asked with a smirk,

"Are you turning into a housewife?"

I huffed, pouted and hit him (with my dainty hand) on his forearm.

"Ey! Stop it!"

"The flat is clean, the dinner is on the table, the only thing lacking is a kiss on the cheek and..." he suddenly stopped speaking, almost as if feeling he went too far.

The silence that crept up on us was pretty weird.