Defiled: Him

Baby. He called me baby...

Noah started wiping my tears and kissing them off my face. He tugged his hands under my body, so as to hug me even closer, even tighter, which gave me an overwhelming feeling of newly born safety. The trust I felt took root and grew even more. The rapist never embraced me, so this act was pure, untainted, and I leaned into this embrace with such a hunger, and craving that I almost became the feeling itself.

The tightness of his embrace - intensified the rubbing of my shaft over his hard abdomen, and I just squeezed my eyelids, immersing myself into the freeing, into the experience of having consensual sex and enjoying it - just as simple as that.

I felt him quicken his pace, still cautious but a little more intense, I felt him fill me full, and for the first time in almost five months, I wasn't afraid of penetration. Yes, the alcohol was probably helping to loosen up my body, but I was also making an effort to loosen up my mind, and that seemed to work pretty well in this mixture.

I realized in shock that I was on the verge of orgasm. It seemed like an overwhelmingly strange, unexpected, yet wonderful realization, something so powerful and miraculous that I had trouble believing it until it really began to happen. I felt my body twitch, and jerk strangely, my pelvis lifted slightly, and a well-known pulsing in my cock began, accompanied by an unexpectedly strong squeeze in my ass hole.

I made almost funny meowing sounds and screeched a little.

"Fuck!" It was all I managed.

Noah raised his head, glancing at me in the dim light of the room.

He was tactful enough not to ask right away, but he let me finish my shivering and shooting of my load all over his stomach and my chest, observing it with widened eyes, and only after I flattened myself on the sheet, he said, "Thank you..."

A bit weird, but in a way, I understood exactly why he said that.

Noah knew... I trusted him.

He lowered himself a bit and sort of braced himself on my shoulders, put his hands under my armpits, and began to follow his own climax. It didn't take long, maybe two minutes, then he too unloaded with a deep grunt coming from deep in his lungs, and he came to a standstill, and soon the bedroom was filled only with our gasping breaths.

I realized that the whole sex thing was somehow helping me sober up, but only a little, the ceiling was still swirling gently, and nothing seemed one hundred percent real. Had I dreamed it all?

No, he was still lying on me, panting somewhere behind my ear.

Time seemed to slow down, minutes were untouchable, unsubstantial.

I wasn't able to form any coherent thoughts. It was beyond me for that moment. Something was slowly arising in me, some aftershock. Some disbelief in what just happened. But one thing began to be more and more obvious. The massive weight of Noah pressed on my stomach full of booze... wasn't helping my mental state.

And that could not end well.

"I may need...to... throw up," I mumbled, feeling the acidity already gathering in my esophagus.

Noah snapped his head up, eyeing me watchfully.

"Is this because...?"

I realized how he could interpret it. And maybe... he was right in some parts. I needed to vomit for two separate reasons, but I didn't have to make him hurt in the process right?

"No, it's just because I drank way too much," I whispered, diminishing the problem.

And saying that, I slid myself from his body, to run naked toward the bathroom, where I hung my body over the toilet and... violently vomited inside. I literally imagined... I was throwing away my past, my suffering, my despair. I needed it - I wanted to get rid of all of that accumulated pain! The symbolic act of throwing up my tragic life - was... weirdly helpful.

I felt Noah's presence behind me. He leaned over me, grabbed my loose, longish strands, and tugged them back behind my ear to save them from being dirtied with my vomit.

He soaked one of the spare towels and kneeled next to me, gently rubbing over my wet chin.

Our eyes met and I was again surprised by the intensity of his gaze. There was... everything in his eyes, sadness, love and tenderness.

How could I not see it before?

"Jamie..." he whispered. "Are you okay? Are you... angry at me?"

My head was still dizzy, but I was able to formulate what I needed to say.

I smiled ruefully, reached out my hand and gently stroked his cheek. He was not the one to blame for the grim events of my life.

"Angry at you? At you, Noah? How could I be? You were the one who was by my side every step of the way. You helped me without asking for anything in return... even when it proved to be very difficult. You waited patiently for me to...realize the truth. Until I was mature enough to see what was in front of me all along. I was so blind and ungrateful..."

His eyes literally opened so wide, I could see his whole irises. Noah was almost in shock, hearing my words.

"You... Do you mean it?"

Sighing I leaned on the bathroom wall. "Oh, Noah. I'm such a mess... You deserve better. Not some scraps from other people's tables."

He snorted, "Stop saying that! You don't understand what I feel for you, Jamie... I remember the day Tye brought you to our house for the first time. You were such a sweet and innocent boy. These sparkles of joy in your beautiful, black eyes. I so envied him, I was envious of your love, you wouldn't believe how much. I was wishing... I could be him. Tye."

Now Noah reached out his hand and touched my forearm gently. "I always wanted you, Jamie. No one else. I want you to be happy, my heart was broken for you, so many times, as yours was broken. But we can... mend it together, we can un...break us. You and me..."

I stared at him for a while, not saying a word.

Unbreak...? The tiny sparkle, the hope I could see in his eyes. Wow, someone actually said it.

Could I be unbroken? Could he... un-break me?

I squeezed my eyes shut.

It was all... too shocking. Too new. Too unreal! I even felt scared it could be true!

"Promise me, tomorrow, when the intoxication will be gone... you won't be angry, Jamie. I'm scared I would lose you forever over what happened. I was so...into you. The booze made me go crazy."

I snorted a bit. "Noah, I cummed, so... it was the first time with another person, since I've been dating Tye. Probably that's why I'm pretty shocked. I just need some time to think, to put it all in perspective, to calm down a bit."

Noah nodded, and helped me to stand up. For a moment we stared at each other, then he leaned and kissed my forehead.

"Go to bed, Jamie." He smiled ruefully. "You need to sleep, you still look wasted."

Suffice to say, we were both still naked during the conversation, but I didn't care that much. Worse things happen to my body than being naked in somebody's presence.

"I will. Don't worry too much..." I mumbled and headed toward my room. Noah went right after me and helped me to lie down, then covered me with my duvet.

"Sweet dreams, Jamie," he whispered. The last thing I remember from that crazy night were his sad, concerned eyes, looking at me.

***

The next morning I woke up with a giant hangover. I curled on the side, fighting another wave of vomits in my stomach. I felt like SHIT. The memories of last night were somewhat blurry and unreal. Did I have sex with Noah? Dammit. It seemed so... inappropriate suddenly, without the booze whispering soothing excuses into my ear.

That would complicate things for sure. I was still Tye's ex!

I stood up with some effort and ran toward the bathroom. I spend some time on the toilet and under the shower before emerging from it, feeling better and finally rinsing my mouth with a mint mouthwash. Only then I felt slightly more like myself.

As I entered the kitchen, I found Noah there, preparing breakfast. He had to wake up before me.

I fixed my eyes on him, his massive, tall body, and powerful bulges of muscles, I could see under his white t-shirt, contrasting with his olive skin, his black hair and green eyes.

He was hot, for sure. I just didn't allow myself to acknowledge it before, being so fixed on Tye.

So, I cleared my throat, sitting by the table. At that moment, I felt slight soreness in my ass and all the memories kinda returned. I was flooded by the feeling of his body laying on me, his dick moving in me, the pleasant rub of my shaft on his stomach and finally, the orgasmic eruption.

Yep, that happened. There was no way around that.

He put a plate in front of me.

"Thank you," I mumbled, lowering my gaze.

Noah analyzed my face for a while, before he asked, "So. Are you angry, Jamie? I know that what happened was... a lot. Just so quickly and..."

I closed my eyes. "I'm not angry, Noah. I'm just a bit overwhelmed." I hesitated. "But I'm also happy in a way." I again raised my eyes to him. "Because I thought I would never have good sex after what happened. But you... helped me. For that, I am grateful."

Noah didn't answer, he only reached out his big hand and clasped it with mine. For a moment, I studied our joined fingers.

"I must say, I didn't know that you... wanted it. Yes, I noticed some energy... coming from you. But I brushed it off, didn't let myself delve into it."

"You really didn't know, Jamie?" He wasn't looking at me, he lowered his gaze to the floor.

Noah had a point, kind of. I knew, on some level, even before I was r**ed, before Tye and I broke up. Subtle hints that I chose to ignore. His eyes - always on me. Gentle, caring...

However, I decided that discussing it at that moment would be unwise.

But I realized what needed to be pointed out here...

"Noah. We have a rather obvious problem... Tye is your brother. That would look so... wrong in his eyes, in the world's eyes, do you understand? We would be harshly judged. My relationship with Tye would cast a long shadow over us."

Noah closed his eyes for a second, a flicker of pain on his face. "But it feels so right to me, Jamie. And I can't help the way I feel about you, I'm sorry..."

We stared at each other for a few seconds and my cheeks went pink.

"Noah... I just need to think, and clear my head a bit. Will you give me some time? It's been only two weeks since I heard the... final words from Tye. I'm not entirely done mourning what I had with him, please don't be angry at me for saying that. I loved him for almost three years, the break-up took its toll on me. I don't want you to feel like a rebound, you deserve more, and I know I can... give you more, but with time. And with some head-cleansing."

Noah went silent, staring at the plate, I could feel he was fighting with disappointment, but was also trying to be understanding.

"Noah... I also have feelings toward you. I want you to know that! I can't express exactly what it is at this moment, but I know I want to explore this more. I would just want us to go slowly, if you will. Can you agree to that?"

He slowly nodded. "Of course, Jamie. I know it's a lot to digest. But I also want to know, I'm here for you, whatever you need. We can take a step back... the sex thing... I realized it was heavy. Too sudden, probably. Being sober, I wouldn't dare to ask you for it. So I guess it would be healthy to wait until we would both want it while being completely sober. Maybe till this moment, you would also be more... at ease with our situation? Maybe it will be simpler?"

I smiled. "Thank you for your understanding. I think the biggest test for me would be the beginning of the semester, which is very soon, and... meeting Tye with Nick again. Seeing them and accepting their relationship would probably be a good indicator of the permanent change in me. Being over him. And it would be a sign that the past is closed to me."

Noah nodded again, although I could see some sadness in him, but he was keeping it together, he soon stood up and said.

"I have a day off today. Would you go for a walk with me? The snow is on the ground. We could visit a nearby park..."

"Sure, Noah. I will gladly join you," I grinned. I wanted nothing more, than some taste of normal life again, just something that wasn't that heavy and life-changing.

Soon we put our winter clothes on and went out. And the rest of the day we didn't talk about what happened last evening. We talked some shit and laughed about it, and even had a snowball fight, which Noah won, of course! I was throwing like a sissy.

But it was all good because I felt... normal. At ease. For the first time in months.

***

The last week of holiday break went weirdly calmly and not so different from what we had before we had sex. We never once touched the subject, we avoided touching each other excessively, beyond some normal situations, I also focused more on running social media for the company Noah worked for, and we were going regularly to the gym together.

And finally, the holiday break was over, and I was about to start my new semester in a college where Tye and Nick were enrolled.

That day, I was stressed so much I had stomach cramps. Noah suddenly grabbed me, and embraced me tightly, kissing my temple.

"Don't go crazy over this, Jamie. It is what it is. It's something we both... need to face. Tye, and the past you both had. I was doing some thinking, believe me and I came to the conclusion... you should speak with him openly about what happened. We shouldn't hide anything from him, it needs to be on the table. It's the only way to move forward."

I looked up at him and suddenly felt the need to touch him, more than I felt for the last week.

I stroked his cheek gently.

"Noah... Thank you for being so patient with me, you are an exceptional person."

He smiled ruefully. "You are worth the wait. Now, good luck with this semester..."

But I suddenly hesitated. I remembered something...

"You mentioned once, that you also made a mistake. Was that mistake... having feelings for me?"

Noah's smile was sad, so sad...

"I refuse to call it a mistake, Jamie. Not anymore. I believe it can only be blessing."

I lowered myself and kissed his forehead. Before I left I smiled at him - I don't know why, but I wanted him to be happy. I wanted it more - than I ever wanted happiness for myself.

***

As I reached campus, my head was slightly dizzy, I was a bit all over the place, having trouble focusing.

I was confused a bit, although the decision was finalizing in me. I knew what I should do, what my heart wanted me to do.

But I also really had no idea how I should behave in front of Tye.

So already being in the lecture room I kinda sat at the back of it, in the last row.

I wore very inconspicuous clothes today, as I decided to go back to my old, modest/normal style before all that happened to me, and ditch the tight jeans and short leather jackets. I also didn't gel my hair, so they were falling loosely down my neck in soft dark-brown curls.

I noticed Tye coming inside the hall about five minutes before the lecture started, he looked around and went pale, seeing me in the corner. He hesitated and headed toward me, and I felt my body tensing.

Only then I noticed how bad he looked!

He had the most unhealthy color of his complexion, earthy-gray, he had dark circles under his eyes. What was going on with him?

"Hello, Jamie," his voice was hoarse and quiet.

"Hey, Tye, how are you? You look... not so good."

He winced and sat next to me, which startled me a bit. "I hardly slept for the last few weeks, since we... talked."

I froze, realizing what he was talking about. Was he shaken so much? That has to be a lot for him, receiving all of this information at once, in a rather shocking way. He obviously had trouble digesting it and dealing with the reality of what transpired in the past.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, "It wasn't my idea to tell you. I tried really hard to shield you from the truth, although as you said yourself, rightly so, I shouldn't have. Instead, I lied about what was going on with me... and made you hate me in the process."

"Oh, Jamie. You should tell me the truth." Tye clenched his jaws and went silent, as the professor went inside the lecture hall.

The whole class we sat in silence, taking notes and not doing much beyond that. But as the lecture was about to end, Tye suddenly muttered, "Can you stay a bit longer? I have something to tell you."

"O...okay," I mumbled, feeling the wave of stress in my stomach again.

The rest of the students left the hall and we were left alone. Tye stood up also, looking nervous, he went toward the window. After some hesitation, I followed him and we both stood in front of the windowpane, slightly leaning on the windowsill.

"I thought a lot, you know. It was almost... the only thing I did during these last weeks. I felt so... angry and helpless. Useless. The knowing... what you've been through, is killing me."

Really, I didn't know what to say, I gently patted his arm and said, "It's okay now. I'm safe and that belongs to the past, I'm learning every day to live only focusing on the future. I need to accept that, and also the consequences of my other decisions."

"About that..." I could see how tortured he was, his fists were clenched, his lips trembling.

"What's going on, Tye, you look like hell!" I whispered, feeling almost fearful of what he was about to say.

"As I said, I had a lot of time to think. And I realized what is the only right thing to do..." Tye interrupted and coughed. I swallowed hard, I had a weird intuition about where it would lead.

"I can go back to be with you, if you want. It's the only honorable thing to do in that situation. After what you've been through, I just can't - with a clear conscience - push you away. I can't be that cruel, not toward you, I already did... too much."

Stunned. Shocked.

I felt like my body started to tremble. I couldn't believe what he said!

"What... what are you talking about, what with Nick?"

"I love Nick. It's the reason I struggle so much, as the decision would be no-brainer, if I were single. But Nick wasn't r**ed, he would suffer, yes, but not as much as you suffered. He would finally recover. The lesser evil. I decided to make a conscious choice, to make this right for you... To somewhat compensate you for what happened..."

It was just too much... I felt my tears flowing down my cheeks. A wave of emotions ran through me.

"I slept with Noah, Tye. One week ago."

He turned toward me and blinked in shock.

"Wh... how..."

Silence crept up on us. I could see it took him some time to process it.

"We were both heavily drunk, it was one time. But I need you to know that. It was soon after the day you came there and said there is no chance for us."

He closed his eyes for a second and made a long exhale.

"It doesn't matter. My proposition stands. I slept with Nick, so we both did it with other people. I'm still ready to be with you again..."

All this conversation was like a dream mixed with a nightmare.

I was super confused and shocked that he would ever say something like that... Although I guess I could expect that, at least to some degree. Tye was always a type of a romantic rebel mixed with crazy desperado.

He stared at my face for a while and suddenly he embraced me by the waist and... lowered himself to kiss me. It was another big shock, his lips were warm and so well-known, so sweet, his arms around me were so familiar, I shivered almost in bodily shock. But as I felt his tongue sliding into my mouth I felt something else.

The feeling of... wrongness.

Noah. Nick. Innocent people that would suffer greatly... Me and Tye together again?

How weird that sounded now, surprisingly. It was... a dream that belonged in the past. I needed this realization. I felt grateful Tye was willing to sacrifice his own relationship and his newfound love for Nick to make it right for me... It was touching and meant a lot to me, but it was also... no longer necessary.