All Comments on 'Descent into Debauchery Pt. 03'

I usually sign as "The Comma Monster," but your proofreading is beyond reproach. Here's the next challenge: characterization. There's an old aphorism, not suitable for a pair of (accidental) exhibitionists, but well suited to their author, "Show us, don't tell us." I use it to mean that rather than just telling us how the characters are feeling, use observations as clues for the reader. "Fiddling" is a clue for "nervous," etc. It takes more time and more words, but the result will be worth it.

Keep on writing!

Thanks, but the proofreading credit goes to my editor Drewau. He's been a great help. Not only does he correct my grammar mistakes, but he also lets me know if certain parts aren't clear, or if I need to expand on a section.

As to the second part of your comment. You are absolutely right. I've attempted to write a few short films in the past, but what I learned very quickly was show don't tell. I guess I just never really considered that as much for my non film based stories. My next chapter is already written and nearly finished with the editing process. So I'll try to keep that in mind for my next story. Thanks.