Earthquake Ch. 03

"With James it was perhaps like your experience with me. He signed me up at the Gym and the first thing he noticed was my designer Gym gear. I had bought the gear way back on my first OE. He was the first local person to recognise the brand. He said he would get me new gear which he obtained on line as a present for me. I don't think you even noticed I had new gear."

"Well, I did but I thought you just bought it."

"That would have been too expensive for me to buy."

"I didn't really check up on your expenses in those days, I trusted you....Still, what I couldn't believe, knowing your intelligence, is how you could be so taken in."

"He used my intelligence to build my own ego. He claimed to discover that he was genetically related to Genghis khan; he actually had some documentation about it. It got me excited about our family's background. We do have a connection to English royalty, way, way back. He deduced from our family tree that one of my forebears was Elizabeth Woodville. He had a reproduction of a painting of her. He said the resemblance was so remarkable it could not possibly be a coincidence.

She was the most beautiful and intelligent Queen," he told me. "She and her Mother Jacquetta of Luxemburg were known to be sorceresses. She founded the genetic lineage that lead to Elizabeth the first. He made me believe that our coming together was a once in millennial confluence of DNA that will have profound effect on the world. Our destiny is in our genes and it is inevitable that in coming together, our progeny would be an overwhelming force of power in the universe.

We were going to change my name to Jacquetta Cohen."

"How the fuck could you believe this shit??!!"

"I was in love with him."

My mouth hung open.

Finally I said, "well I can see I was stuffed in the circumstances. No way was I going to compete with that. What was I offering...life in suburbia? He was offering you mother of the master of the universe."

"Stop it Stop it".... "You have no idea how embarrassed I am about that now. How can I trust myself when I fell in love with an evil...."

"But even in those circumstances you said you still loved me. You talked about polyamory."

"In the heady circumstances you were my grounding. In suggesting the idea of polyamory he gave me false hope that we could somehow keep the family together. At the time it was his way of hanging on to me and keeping control of me. The only polyamory he was ever interested in was satisfying his own desires. Ultimately he didn't want a bar of you."

This whole conversation alerted me to the fact that I needed a plan. I needed to reset our relationship. Somehow woo her back again as though we had just met for the first time.

Eventually there was the trial of the thugs. Lisa's identity was suppressed although the rumours would fly. We felt protected living a reasonable distance in another city. All five pleaded guilty, probably for the same reason as James and Hera. So, Lisa and I were not required to testify. There was also the discovery of the stash of meth which was still under investigation.

Despite the obvious meth usage no one was charged at the time for possession as an individual owner was not identified and the Police were investigating a wider international operation.

Lisa's PTSD was bad enough but after the trials I realised that I was suffering as well. Lisa had a counsellor who I made an appointment with. I literally need to help myself to help Lisa. The first thing I was told that 'shit happens.'

Well that's not new I thought, but it does for everyone so I guess and we will all get shit somewhere down the line. The counselling experience led me to the point that both of us had to focus on what we could control and avoid anything that would be a harmful. I found myself questioning everything that Lisa and I did on the harmful-beneficial spectrum. The one thing we had to do was focus on the good stuff and find new good stuff to fill our memories. Our children were good stuff. We didn't need to stuff up their lives as well.

We needed to find the resilient path.

Lisa would probably never totally be free from PTSD. Something in the future may trigger a relapse. Like earthquakes I guess. You never know.

Lisa was lucky that she had the close support of her network of family and friends. The counsellor had underlined the importance of this. She thought that with the support of the network she could recover a lot quicker and it would help me as well. I took her advice, and speaking with the others we agreed to ensure that going forward that we get together as often as we can. She was going to need to build her relationships and develop those connections to normalize her way of life.

The trial now being over allowed us to get on with the rest of our lives. More and more we got Lisa out and about. Usually it was outdoors and avoiding crowds. It was never after dark. The sight of gang members could set off a panic attack. Just passing a group on motorcycles had her hyperventilating. Lisa continued to have her aftershocks but like all aftershocks they were beginning to abate. We talked about the things she would like to do in the future when she was well enough, such as going to restaurants or events.

It came to a point that obtaining a part time job would be a step forward. I have to admit that I did not like the idea of her just working anywhere. Trust works both ways and obviously with my own insecurity and her admission that she no longer loved me, I was afraid that she would fall in love with a co-worker or customer. I therefore elected to employ her at my own firm.

In the end she easily agreed as there would be no expectations with respect to her attendance and those around her would be all familiar and supportive. It was a struggle at first. She would often spend up to an hour in the toilet in the mornings before she could venture outdoors and to work.

There came a time when I felt she had improved enough that I could put my plan of reconnection into place. I had come home after spending most of the day with a client. I came into the living area looking her to find Lisa sitting on a sofa sewing a patch on an old pair of gardening trousers of mine.

She looked up explaining that she had found them in a drawer and they were quite serviceable so she thought she would repair them. Lisa seemed quite bubbly and chatty and continued, pointing to a sheet of paper beside her;"I've listed a few things I was going to ask you to do. I really think there are a lot of things that need doing around the house. It's has become quite neglected with everything going on and I would really like to get everything back in shape." Hardly pausing for breath she continued," I was looking around the back and I thought it would be lovely to install a spa pool, I think it would be quite therapeutic for me...and us....What are you grinning at?"

This was the first really tangible sign that Lisa was on the mend; she was making plans. Her manner filled me with absolute joy and relief.

"You seem so happy. How do you feel?"

"I have to say, I do feel good today. It's nice to get around the house."

It was a positive milestone. Today she was on a high but it wouldn't always be like this. I felt I had to take this opportunity with her and build on it. There were still so many parts of our relationship that needed work.

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At this stage we were sharing a room but in separate beds. There was still no real intimacy and affection. As part of our normalizing process we were going to have to deal with our sex life. One evening I introduced the subject. In her mind sex had ended but she was well aware I still had my libido and just assumed at some time I would find another sexual partner and the marriage would end.

I picked up on an idea that was discussed at a counselling session where it was suggested we go to a sex therapist. Lisa would not have a bar of someone telling her what to do in matters intimate.

I suggested a soft hand was not enough and I as bored with porn that perhaps we could use a sex worker.

This is not a big issue in New Zealand as sex work is entirely legal. None the less, Lisa was shocked. I fancied that she was feeling some vestigial pangs of jealousy.

I said that I would like her to be involved because I did not want it to be as though I was cheating. I reminded her that she once advocated polyamory. I left her to think about it and two nights later she came up with a plan herself.

She said she thought she could cope with a visit once a week. It had to be at our house while the children are staying with their grandparents. And most of all she wanted to be in our bedroom. She did not say anything about her actually taking part.

This was the plan we both agreed to.

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