Ella & Evan - Valentine's Coupons Pt. 04

He was breathing a bit hard, and Evan is in really good shape so I could only guess he had basically run all the way to the garden. "Nah, I'm heading back now. I'll be home as soon as possible. I can't wait to see you again El, I want to just hold you so bad I feel like I haven't seen you in days." It made me feel guilty he had been stressed out, but I can't pretend I wasn't still relieved and pleased deep down to hear he missed me too.

"Talk to you soon, love you!" I said. I realized Mom was looking at me as I was sitting up straight, talking earnestly into my phone like Evan was on a spaceship orbiting the moon.

"Love you too El, forever." He hung up and I sat back, staring at my phone as the screen went dark.

After a moment, Mom said, "Glad to hear you two both clearly over it already."

"We still have to work on our communication and our whole relationship, I know that. I need to apologize about some things no matter what, but I realized that I'll do anything for us." I took a deep breath and looked at Mom, her face solemn in the low light. "I know I fucked up. The coupon book is still out there, and we don't know where, it could pop up any time and ruin everything. But the coupons could just as easily be in the garbage right now or sitting in a puddle, and I'm not going to let that mere possibility come between Evan and me. And I won't let anything else come between us either." I set my jaw and tried to look as fearless as possible.

Her lips pressed tight, Mom replied, "I'm not your enemy here, Ella."

I didn't reply, I just held her gaze. Finally, she tossed up a hand in surrender and gave a frustrated exhalation I knew very well. We have a good relationship, my mother and I, but we have had some big loud fights and arguments too. I'll admit I was a handful as a teenager for a few years. (I'm totally not a handful now though, trust me.)

After a silent minute she quietly said, "I'm not trying to tell you two what to do. I just want what's best for you both."

"I know that Mom, we both do, and we'll never forget it," I said, eager to accept her peace offering.

"Ella, what I want from you is to think really hard about what you truly desire. Long term. What you want from the rest of your life and how you can get it. Then I want you to tell your brother, tonight. All of it."

Surprised, I didn't know what to say. My instant reaction was to agree - of course I'll tell Evan anything who cares right? - but then I mulled over her request and the cleverness of it became apparent. "How do you know what I want?" I asked, quietly.

"Hah, I'm your mother. I've known for a while that you've been in love with your brother, but I didn't know how he felt and I assumed nothing would come of it. Obviously, he was always extremely fond of you and probably had a crush, but I didn't know if it went deeper than that. So please, honey, I'm asking you to talk to him and be as honest as you can be. About your hopes and dreams for the future, and how it would work. If you can do that, I can sleep easy knowing you two have both at least know where you each stand."

My heart in my throat, I had to say, "I'm not sure I can tell him about... about what you said to me when we drove to Whistler that last time."

She took my hand in hers and I could tell she wasn't doing this to come between us. She clearly felt it was the smart thing to do, and I had to admit she might be right. "If you can, I'll know it's truly real. You know your brother is a wonderful, smart, funny, sensitive boy. As his mother, I couldn't be prouder of him. But as his mother, I know he'll do whatever you say, and that scares me a little. You're brilliant and fierce and everyone loves you, but you tend to get your way. I know you don't boss Evan around or make all the decisions, but I feel like you could."

"Mom, I don't want to be in charge of everything all the time and besides, Evan loves you so much it's absurd. You know he'll always listen to you. I think I was, well, jealous of you when we were teenagers. You were his favourite person and I guess I didn't like it, even before I realized why it bothered me so much that he was a momma's boy."

With a wry chuckled Mom patted my hand and said, "Well, don't worry about me competing for his attention now. I've seen you two be affectionate, and the way he looks at you when you hold each other frankly takes my breath away. Honestly I have to tell you I don't think you realize how rare that sort of incredible passion is!"

My face pinkened, but I couldn't keep the pride and lust out of my voice when I said, "Yeah I know. Every day I wonder if we'll ever get sick of each other, but so far I just want him more and more. It's like all day there's a need deep in me for him growing and just knowing we'll be in each other's arms again is such a thrill I almost ache." I wanted to continue, ecstatic to be able to talk out loud about how much I loved my sex life with someone. But I didn't want to rub it in, and of course I was aware of Mom's disappointment with the lack of physical love she had with Dad.

I was just thinking of exactly that when Mom and I saw a familiar white BMW slowly drive by. Dad glanced to his right and happened to see us sitting on the bench, and his sudden look of surprise would have been funny in another situation. Instead, I could just feel Mom's hand tighten on mine as he found a parking spot just a little down the road.

"Do you want me to leave?" I asked as Dad got out of his SUV.

She didn't answer, so I looked to my side. Mom was clearly nervous and unhappy, and seeing her suddenly so uncertain concerned me. Since she showed up, I had been relying on her as an emotional rock and a steadying force of good advice and now she looks hesitant and anxious.

So, I sat there and held her hand while Dad slowly walked towards us.