Eloise - A Tale of Young Love

I had never known my father. Mum told me she was trying to protect him, saving him from having his life disrupted as hers had been. She was 16 when I was born, two years off finishing high school. He had told her that it was impossible to get pregnant the first time and although she knew that wasn't true, she was caught up in the heat of the moment. At that stage abortion was illegal in the state we lived in. Mum said she didn't really mind as she would not have terminated her pregnancy, and she set out to give me as good a life as she could.

Later, Mum told me she was bored at school which was shy she discovered boys. She always told me that although I was unplanned, I was not a mistake. My grandparents were embarrassed with my existence, so Mum moved away to a regional town where housing was cheaper and did the best she could with the pittance the government provided to a sole parent. Her father would sometimes put money into her account when he felt guilty. Mum would receive a birthday card from her parents each year, simply addressed 'To Greta,' with no evidence of any form of love, but apart from that we had no contact. Even though we were financially poor, Mum was amazing and made sure I had a rich childhood. She took me to the library several times per week and would read stories. We went to a free playgroup at a local church where I made friends. Mum has always had a beautiful voice and she would sing to me. I never noticed I wore hand-me-down clothes and I felt loved.

When I started school, Mum told me it was time for her to get back to school too. She did a bridging course at the local university and topped the class. They told her she could enrol in any course she wanted. Mum chose law, explaining that she wanted to make a difference. As I finished primary school, Mum graduated university with first class honours. As much as I try and remember the highlights of her graduation day, I still remember my grandparents not bothering to show and again my grandfather depositing money which Mum used to take us out to dinner.

Mum had met and fallen in love with Jarrod who had also been studying law with her and they married when I was 12. Jarrod made me laugh and was an amazing stepdad. He was the oldest of four children and his baby sister, Ruby, was a year older than me. His parents took me in as a grandchild and spoilt me rotten. Again, Mum's parents had refused to attend the wedding of their only child, but once again, my so-called grandfather deposited money into Mum's account.

Despite getting jobs at a top law firm, Mum and Jarrod insisted they job share so that one of them would be there for me when I got home from school. It didn't take too long and I had a baby sister, Zoe followed two years later by Noah and two years later, when I was in my final year of high school, Ethan. I was present for all their births and seeing the love that Mum and Jarrod shared made me decide that I was going to wait until I had something special with someone before I jumped into bed with them.

Our home was full not only with children, but with visitors. Mum and Jarrod would often host barbecues and have friends around. I was used to looking after children and was often called on to babysit. Jarrod's parents treated me as one of their own too and Ruby and I became good friends.

"Eloise," Mum called me one afternoon after school when I was 16, "Finnian and Gabby O'Loughlin are going to need you to sit for them a bit more often I think, Gabby has been diagnosed with a brain tumour and it's not looking good."

I remember Mum's tears as she talked about her best friend and colleague. I knew Gabby was only in her mid 20s and Finn, as I also know he preferred to be called, had just finished medical school. They had been childhood sweethearts and married on her 21^st birthday. Mum had met them at ante-natal classes and took a shine to Gabby as she was the youngest one there. Discovering she was also studying law cemented their friendship which they both thought would last a lifetime, not knowing the lifetime would be a handful of years. Zoe and their daughter Olivia were best friends and getting ready to start school together. Finn and Gabby also had twins, Hunter and Leith who were not yet two-years old.

That Christmas holiday, as I prepared to head into my second last year of school, was spent at the O'Loughlin's. Finn was trying to finish his intern year at the hospital, and I would sit with Gabby and help her with the kids. Gabby was an amazing woman. She was gorgeous to look at, but this was shadowed by her inner beauty and warmth. Zoe and Olivia spent their time together playing in Olivia's room and I tried to entertain Hunter and Leith building Duplo blocks or train tracks for them to run their engines around.

"You should consider teaching, Eloise," Gabby told me one afternoon as I rubbed moisturiser into her hands, "You are amazing with children."

"Actually Gabby," I remember telling her, "I've decided to study nursing as I want to be there for people like you and even maybe sick kids."

"Oh El, you will be perfect!" I still remember Gabby's smile as she told me. Her face quickly became more serious though.

"Eloise, I've told Greta, but I'll ask you too," I could see Gabby was fighting off tears, "Please look out for Finn when I'm gone. I've told him that it's ok to mourn me, but not for years and years and he has an amazing heart and I hope one day he may find another partner to travel through life with."

I hugged Gabby and we both cried as she told me how wonderful I was with her children and thanked me for being there for the last few months. That afternoon we decorated the tree and I strung fairy lights all around the loungeroom and, for Gabby as she was spending so much time in bed, I decorated the master bedroom with lights and tinsel. I remember Finn laughing when he got home, but the look of him holding Gabby as she lay in bed, their skin illuminated by the tiny lights, was stunning and I snapped a special photo of them both.

We spent Christmas Day with the O'Loughlin's and Gabby's parents. It was a lovely day. Gabby was losing more and more strength and slept on and off throughout the day. No one was surprised two days later when Finn rang Mum to tell her his wife had died.

The fact that Gabby had planned her funeral surprised no one. She wanted a celebration of her short life. There was a slideshow showing photos of her from birth until one of us all on Christmas Day, not even a week before, but it ended with the photo I had taken of her and Finn gazing into each other's eyes surrounded by sparkling lights. Finn had asked me to sit with the twins throughout the service which I gladly did. They did not understand what had happened, but Olivia did, and Finn spent most of the service comforting her. Gabby's mother, Ruth, gave a beautiful eulogy and Olivia told everyone how special her Mummy was and that she would never forget her tickling her tummy. Finn tried to speak, but all he managed was a thank-you before he dissolved into tears. Mum sang 'Over the Rainbow' and there was not a dry eye in the house.

Gabby and Finn's parents stayed with Finn and the children for a few weeks. I had refused to let them pay me when Gabby was dying and told them I was doing it as a friend. Several months later, on my seventeenth birthday I saw Finn for the first time since the funeral. He looked withdrawn and tired. He came around to give me a present though and told me that really it was from Gabby. Mum and Jarrod were in on the surprise and when I opened the small box, I found a car key- the key to Gabby's car.

"Eloise, Gabby told me to do this as a thank-you for looking after us whilst she was dying." Finn said as I wrapped my arms around him in a huge hug.

"Oh Finn, thank-you so much and please, any time you need a sitter, I'm still here at least until I finish school next year!"

It was a gorgeous red Volkswagen Golf that I knew had been Gabby's pride and joy. It was a few years old now but ran well and I knew had not been used a lot since the twins were born as they could not fit the extra car seats in the back.

"And honey," Mum added, "Because you do so much for your sister and brothers here, Jarrod and I will pay for the insurance, maintenance and petrol until you leave school."

It was the most amazing birthday present ever. I was booked in for my driving test and passed with flying colours. I still walked to and from school, but it meant I could pick Zoe up when needed and as Mum was pregnant with Ethan this was more often than not. I would often collect Olivia as well and bring her back to our home, so she did not have to wait at after school care for her father to finish work or for one of her grandparents to collect her.

In the school holidays I would look after the O'Loughlin children and often Zoe and Noah would drag along too. I had lots of fun with them all. Mum had always cooked our meals as we could never afford take-away when I was little, and I had picked up a lot of her recipes. In the holidays I made sure Finn returned home from work to a home cooked meal. Finn had decided to pursue general practice arguing the hours were more suited to his new lifestyle. It did mean he had to complete a few more rotations at the hospital, often including shift work. He was fortunate to have Gabby's parents handy to help with the children if he was on night shift, however if he was sleeping on a weekend, often Olivia and the twins would come over to our home and play.

The first Christmas without Gabby was hard, especially as it was only two days before the anniversary of Gabby's death. Finn took his family to spend Christmas with his parents a few hundred kilometres away but returned on Boxing Day to mark Gabby's passing with her family.

Mum and Jarrod hosted a barbecue for my 18^th birthday. Finn came with his children. He still looked sad and mournful. He gave me a beautiful pair of emerald earrings that matched my green eyes. I sat next to Finn as we ate dessert.

"Your friends are lovely, Eloise," Finn told me, "Especially Michael- he can hardly keep his eyes off you!"

"Nah, he's just a mate," I replied, "I don't think I'm going to find my soulmate at school like you did, Finn."

Finn smiled for the first time in a long time and told me about how he and Gabby met in maths class when they were 15 and he knew she was going to be the woman he married.

"I only knew her for 10 years in the end. We thought we'd be celebrating our 70^th anniversary together in our 90s" Finn reminisced. "Now shoo- go join your friends, you don't have to look out for me all the time!"

I had a few boys at school who were interested in me, but none of them really caught my eye. Michael and I went to my Year 12 formal as partners, but we were just mates. Michael was heading interstate to study and whilst I liked him as a mate, I did not like him enough to think about sleeping with him. I finished my final year of school and was accepted into three different nursing courses without a problem. I knew which one I preferred, but it was a few hundred kilometres away and would mean leaving home.

Again, Finn came to the rescue. His parents had moved to that city and offered for me to live in their guest room for a small fee. I had met Maeve and Jeff several times over the years at various events and knew they were lovely people. Jeff was an architect and Maeve taught English to people from a non-English speaking background. They had moved when Finn's older sister, Siobhan, moved away after leaving an abusive marriage. I knew Maeve and Jeff often looked after Siobhan's two children and I told them over Christmas lunch that year that I would love to help if there was ever an event they would like to attend with their daughter.

Everything worked well. I Skyped and Facetimed Mum and my family every day and would often talk with Olivia, Hunter and Leith if they were talking to their grandparents. I made some amazing friends nursing including Tilly and Lucas. Both would often come over to Maeve and Jeff's home and were welcomed with open arms. Tilly and Lucas were soon a couple, and both tried to set me up with various friends, but I never felt a connection with any of the guys they introduced me to.

"El, I don't know why you're so choosy," Tilly told me one afternoon as we painted each other's toenails, "I mean you must have urges to want to at least experience sex!"

"Oh Tilly," I laughed, "I do, and I have become adept at using my own fingers. I'm not waiting for Prince Charming to offer my virginity to, but at the same time, I want to feel a connection at least with the person I sleep with first."

The university announced a program over the end of year break for nursing students to go to Nepal and spend two months helping with health clinics in remote areas. It would not give us any extra credits towards our degrees but was an opportunity to gain valuable experience. Tilly and Lucas planned to go, but my plans were thwarted when my mother appeared in town one weekend and told me we needed to talk. I first thought she was dying like Gabby, but she assured me everyone was fine. She had had a letter from her parents. My biological father had contacted them and wanted to meet me.

My mother had only ever told me nice things about him, but I had never ever sought to find him, and I never planned to. It turned out that Mum had hid my existence from even him and it wasn't until my grandmother let slip when their paths had crossed unexpectantly that he found out he had a daughter.

"Have you spoken to him, Mum?" I asked.

"Yes, and I have apologised."

"Does Jarrod know?"

"Yes," Mum was now crying, "And he fully supports you in whatever decision you make."

Mum and I walked along the waterfront and she told me my father's name was Eliot and that was partially where my name had come from. She told me Eliot was a doctor still living where they had grown up with a wife and a three-year-old son with another baby on the way.

"He wants to meet you, El," Mum explained between sobs, "He was a good boy and we did have strong feelings for each other, you weren't conceived purely out of lust."

We went out to dinner together but not a lot was said. I was so angry with Mum for hiding him for all these years. To me, Jarrod was my dad now. He was there when I graduated high school. He drove Michael and I to our formal. He had even helped me rationalise which university to attend and reminded me that he would miss me as much as my mother and siblings.

Before Mum left, she gave me Eliot's number. Mum had told Maeve about the 'situation' as she termed it and Maeve, and I had lengthy talks about it. Together we Facebook stalked him and I discovered he was indeed gorgeous. I saw a photo of his family- his wife was beautiful, and their son looked cherubic.

"Eloise, I was adopted, and I still wonder about my birth parents." Maeve explained one evening, "I tried looking several years ago, but there were no real records. I imagine my birth mother was in a similar situation to your mother but in a time when raising a child on her own was not deemed a satisfactory prospect."

I could see Maeve's point. I messaged Mum and told her I was going to message Eliot.

"My name is Eloise and I believe you have been wanting to contact me. My email address is... but I don't think I want to talk to you on the phone right now." I had read and re-read the draft message so many times, but in the end, I simply pressed send.

That evening I received an email from Eliot. He told me pretty much what Mum had told me. He did not know she was pregnant or that I existed until my grandmother had turned up in his surgery one day and mentioned her daughter's name was Greta. He told my grandmother that his first girlfriend had been Greta Hamilton, but she had disappeared out of nowhere. I have never met my grandmother, but from what Mum has told me I can imagine her screaming at the young doctor accusing him of defiling her daughter and impregnating her as he conveyed in the email.

Eliot and I exchanged several emails back and forth and I felt myself growing to like him. I had told Tilly and Lucas about Eliot and explained that I thought I might skip the Nepal trip and instead spend some time over the end of year break getting to know him as he had suggested. I recognised that part of me was angry with my mother and in some ways, I was punishing her choosing to spend Christmas with Eliot and his family. Leonie, Eliot's wife, was only 6 years older than me and was also a nurse. She was on maternity leave looking after baby Alice and chasing 3-year-old Sam.

Leonie and I hit it off right away. She had met Eliot at the hospital where they both worked but played hard to get for a few months seeing if he really was interested or not. Leonie told me he spent a lot of time talking about his girlfriend from almost half a lifetime ago who had up and left him without any notice and it had taken him years of therapy to get over the rejection. It was good for me to hear that he had loved my mother and there had indeed been a connection between the two of them.

On Christmas Day I met Eliot's parents who were both lovely people. His mother, Jill, told me that if she had known about my existence, she probably would have punished her son, but she also recognised he had been punished enough in not knowing of my existence until twenty years later.

I had arranged to spend a fortnight with my family at home before uni started again giving Finn a chance to visit his folks and spend time there before I headed back to live with them. I had a lovely chat with Leonie on my last night with her and Eliot. She asked me about boyfriends, and I told her of my fears Leonie told me that she had had a boyfriend in nursing school, but she never experienced the true joy of sexual intimacy until she met Eliot.

"That's almost too much information!" I laughed, "Because I suppose he is my Dad after all."

"Eloise," Leonie took my hand, "Don't be afraid of therapy. Talking to someone can help."

Leonie's advice was sound, and I sought out a counsellor when I returned to uni. Carol was kind and thoughtful. In our third session we talked of Gabby. I told her of the promise I had made to look out for Finn when she was gone.

"Eloise," Carol asked thoughtfully, "Do you think she meant for you to form a relationship with Finn?"

"I don't know" I cried, "I really don't know. I mean he's absolutely gorgeous- he's tall and handsome and has the most beautiful soulful brown eyes and he's funny and his children are beautiful, but he's 11 years older than me and I feel so young."

"There is a difference between love and lust, Eloise," Carol explained, "And even physical attraction does not mean you will get along with someone in the long term."

In that session I had the realisation that although Gabby had asked me to look out for Finn, and I recognised him as attractive, perhaps I didn't desire him. I left the session more confused than ever.

Tilly and Lucas had moved in together in a flat and shared the second bedroom with Nathanael who was studying engineering and played football with Lucas. Nat, as we all knew him, was a nice enough fellow and Tilly had told me that he fancied me. I finally relented and let them arrange a date for the two of us.

Nat took me to dinner at an Indian restaurant in town. Conversation flowed and Lucas was right- he was a nice person. I thought about what I talked about with Carol and yes, I admitted there was some form of attraction to him. On our second date, a picnic in a park, I told him about my family and how I feared pregnancy. We sat in the park and Nat leant across and kissed me. It was gentle and nice. We kissed some more, and I felt my nipples hardening. Nat guided my hand to touch his obvious arousal through his jeans.