Fake It to Make it Pt. 08

Chapter Fifteen:

Nev

Beck sat and ate the food I cooked while I pushed my small portions around on my plate with a fork. Telling Cici I was pregnant was a huge mistake and I'd barely been able to swear her to secrecy. I didn't know why I'd done it, maybe because she was my best friend and I had no one else to talk to about this entire thing. I couldn't just tell Beck; it had to be done with tact. He was honestly trying to quit drinking, which made me proud of him, and the last thing he needed was to hear news that would send him into a spiral.

"Talked to Drew," he grunted while he chewed and I swiped at my face. He had no clue why I was crying and he hadn't asked. Typical Beck. I was sure if we were dating for real, he'd have hovered over me until I told him every detail, but he still thought of this arrangement as being fake even though we were having sex.

"What'd he say?" I sat up and used my napkin to blow my nose. Beck didn't even look at me. I wasn't sure if he was annoyed by my crying or if he'd learned to take my presence in stride. We'd gotten to know each other a little better over the past few months but there was still so much he didn't know.

He chewed a large bite and I was glad he wasn't speaking with his mouth full again. My gag reflex had gotten so weak over the past few days. I had to avert my eyes when he even took a bite. This pregnancy would not be fun at all. If I was still a week or more away from the average onset of morning sickness and I was already feeling this bad, I didn't want to be around for the rest of it. Maybe there was a way they could medicate me so I didn't throw up constantly because I felt like that was coming.

"Well, he's civil." Beck looked up at me but his expression was unreadable. There were too many things at play to discern what he was thinking. Of course, he didn't know about the pregnancy and if Cici kept her mouth shut he wouldn't for a while. I'd tell him when the time was right. I didn't know if he was glad he was talking to Drew again or upset that Cici stormed out. "Gave me some advice about my big client. I think he's ready to make amends and help me fix what's going on with my sister. This whole fake relationship thing is working, Nev."

My stomach rolled as he said that, even though I knew deep down there was no way Beck would ever catch feelings for me. I wanted him to. I tried to get him to, but I was his sister's friend--his little sister. That's all I'd ever been to him and all I'd ever be too. Beck would never see me as a woman in my own right; he would always look at me as little Nev Winters who had sleepovers and slumber parties with Cici.

"That's good," I mumbled, feeling the disappointment of my situation wash over me. I was having a baby with a man who never thought of me as real relationship material. I was grown, yes, and I had the body of a woman now. But I was forever cemented in Beck's mind as a lower class of person he wasn't interested in. If he hadn't been sloshed the first few times we had sex, we'd never have had sex. "How was dinner? I'm finding myself not hungry now."

Watching him lift his plate and scrape the final few morsels into his mouth would have made me smile if I weren't in such a foul mood. But it looked like he was enjoying things. When he sat the plate down, grease dribbled down his chin which he used his napkin to wipe away as he chewed. I pushed my plate away after that display, certain I'd never touch it now.

"It was alright... Hey, I found a box on the shelf in there." He wiped his mouth again and looked up at me with sincerity in his eyes. "I didn't realize you..." Beck swallowed hard and looked away then back. He was nervous to say what he was thinking and maybe he expected me to read his mind or something but I just shrugged and shook my head.

"What?"

"You had an abortion?" His eyes narrowed in concern. "I never knew that. It must have been horrible."

I tensed, not wanting to snap at him. If it were anyone else, in any other situation I'd have ripped their head off immediately. My personal belongings were mine alone, and I didn't want people going through my stuff ever, let alone that box of things. But I didn't want to upset him or push him away, not with his child growing inside of me.

"Yeah, I uh..." I told Cici about this years ago but she was the only one, and even then, we hadn't spoken about it at length. It was too painful for me to talk about. While I was helplessly in love with Beck and probably had been for a while, I knew this wasn't a match made in heaven. He thought of me at most as a friend, and I hoped by now that friendship level had risen above "little sister's best friend."

"It's okay, you don't have to talk about it." Beck sat back in his chair and looked as if he might change the subject again, so I spoke up.

"My ex was a real douche. He left bruises on me more than once. You know..." I let the words hang in the air because Beck knew bits and pieces of the story, but not the whole story. "Anyway, when I found out I was pregnant with his kid, I knew that would lead to me being victimized by him for the next twenty years and I had zero interest in that. And I didn't want to subject a child to that treatment, so I had an abortion." My hands shook as I picked at my fingernails. "Worst decision of my life. I could have just moved and kept the baby a secret."

"God, that was hard... I'm really sorry you went through that." Beck touched my hand lightly and I didn't even want to look at him this time. I wanted to hide and cry.

I carried that moment with me everywhere I went. Sleepless nights, days when I felt sad, I was plagued with regret. Which was why under no circumstances would I do that again. An unplanned pregnancy basically ruined my career and thrust me back into a life I thought I left years ago--job searching, struggling to make ends meet. But it was better than lying awake at night regretting a choice because I was too selfish to care for another human being.

"You alright?" he asked, and I nodded.

"Just had a rough day, and now I'm pretty sure Cici isn't speaking to me and you might have better luck working the friend angle with Drew." I wasn't trying to push him away at all. I never wanted to do that. I wanted him close, close enough to never leave, but if Cici was really as angry as she let on earlier, then Beck would be better off not being around me. And if Drew was ready to work things out, and Beck was serious about getting sober and doing the right things, it was his best bet. I wanted what was best for him.

"If Cici is that upset with you, then it looks like I need to stick around. You need a friend too, Nev." He patted my hand. "Let me clean up from dinner. You go lie down."

I stood and shook my head resolutely. "Not a chance. You go home. I'll clean the kitchen. I clean when I'm upset anyway and you don't know where anything goes. You'll just be in the way." I swatted at him and he stood up and gulped down his drink, then smiled at me as he set the glass down.

"Good dinner. I think we should do it again, only next time at my new house. See you Wednesday for some hard work?" His eyebrows rose in a hopeful expression and I nodded at him.

"Yeah, I'll be there."

Beck walked out and I stood over the table. Beck was the only one who'd eaten much. Drew's plate had a few bites taken from it, but I'd done all that cooking for no reason. It was sweet that Beck wanted to keep up the charade, if only because in play-acting that we were dating, I'd damaged my relationship with Cici. And while I wanted so much more, which I knew I'd never get, I'd have to settle for that. I just hated that it was pity and not love.

God I wanted it to be love.

Chapter Sixteen:

Beck

I strutted out of the meeting with my newest client, with a signed contract tucked under my arm. Drew's advice on how to convince them to sign with me was perfect. He always knew what to say or do and I still had so much to learn from him. Since last week's dinner, I'd been walking on air. Cici still wouldn't talk to me, but things were getting better. I was a week sober and hopefully through the worst of the sweaty sleepless nights, though my anxiety level was a bit higher than normal. And things at my company were finally taking off.

There was so much to be thankful for, and I owed it all to Nev. Unfortunately, I felt bad that life seemed to be going the opposite way for her. When she offered to help me repair my relationship with my sister, Nev was on her way up. Her career was rising; she had promising contracts lined up. And now it seemed like her life was taking a downturn and I couldn't help but wonder if part of that was thanks to me.

I dropped my brief folder onto my passenger seat as I climbed into the car and headed out. I had a meeting with the realtor and the owner of the home to sign the final papers and get the keys for my new place. As much as I felt bad for the way things were working out with Nev, she seemed to want to be independent and keep me at arm's length. I understood that it was because she and I weren't close friends, and that this was just an arrangement, but I did feel sad that she didn't want to open up to me and let me be there for her.

Nev felt like an enigma--one minute seeming to want me, the next putting a wall between us. The yo-yo was what kept me believing this really was just an arrangement and she had no interest in me other than fixing things with Cici. Like the other night when she told me I'd be better off working with Drew to convince Cici to forgive me. Yes, she was fighting with my sister, but they never fought for long. They couldn't stay mad at each other. So why would we stop using the plan that was actually working?

I parked outside my parents' old house and locked my car. The home was dark, but I knew they were waiting on me. I'd have bought this old place regardless of what happened at work, but getting this contract was exactly what I needed to have the capital to do the needed renovations. It would blow Cici's mind, and Gran and Poppop would be thrilled too. I hadn't told any of them yet, and I couldn't wait to see the looks on their faces when they found out.

As I climbed the steps, the door swung open and revealed the realtor, Tammy Holt. Her wild rouge curls had been tamed with a headband, but her smile was bright as ever.

"Mr. Adler, so good to see you. Come on in. Mrs. Baxter is waiting for you." She swept into the room and I followed her, shutting the door behind me. Not much had changed in the old place in years, though most of my memories of the house itself were foggy at best. Plaster walls had been replaced with drywall and slathered in gaudy wallpaper, but the structure remained that of my childhood.

"I met her granddaughter, Jewel. Is she here too?" Tammy led me into the formal sitting room where Mrs. Baxter lounged on an old Victorian-style sofa with a cup of tea situated on the old end table next to her. The coaster meant to protect the table seemed pointless, as the table itself looked older and more worn-out than Mrs. Baxter.

"Jewel won't be here today, but Mrs. Baxter's nephew Travis has joined us. He's getting us some snacks." Tammy gestured at an old wingback armchair and said, "Have a seat and we'll get started."

I settled into the chair and Mrs. Baxter leaned forward and winked at me. "Don't worry, Henry. We'll get this one for sure." Her smile was so genuine as she mistook me for her late husband and I almost felt bad. But having gone through this with Gran at times I knew not to try to correct her. It only confused Alzheimer's patients to do so. It was better to play along and be patient and understanding.

"Thank you for having me here," I told her, and she snickered like she was a young teen with a boy over to visit her parents. I focused on the table in front of me where documents were stacked and organized. I recognized the familiar paperwork of mortgage disclosures and lending agreements and gathered that Mrs. Baxter's nephew Travis must've been from a title agency or bank. There was no one else here to witness the closing.

"Ah, here we go," I heard and looked up at the rumble of a man's voice. Travis, who looked more like a lumberjack than a banker, walked into the room with a tray in hand. Cookies and a teapot populated the tray, along with three mugs on tiny saucers and a sugar dish. He set the tray on the only bare spot left on the table before reaching across the table to shake my hand.

"Travis Greer, from Harmony Bank. I'm Mrs. Baxter's nephew but I handle her financial decisions as her power of attorney and I'm also handling the role of notary public today."

His grip was firm as he shook my hand and then he sat and straightened his tie. It was all so official I couldn't help but feel joy swelling in my chest. In just a few moments I'd be the proud owner of this looming three-story row house. It wasn't a Brownstone, but in five years when the gentrification of the old neighborhood was finished, it would be just as exclusive and worth so much more.

We had tea and cookies, signed all the papers, and even exchanged a few fun stories about the house itself, like the servant quarters on the secret fourth floor everyone thought was just the attic. The narrow steps up to the hidden rooms had been a favorite place for Cici and I to play back in the day, and I learned Travis and his siblings loved them too when they came to visit Mrs. Baxter and her husband on holidays. Tammy listened to our tales of childhood but had little to add to the nostalgia.

Mrs. Baxter, however, had a bright moment after one such story and touched my hand so gently I thought she was going to mistake me for her husband again. Instead she grinned and said, "Oh, Beckham, I found something for you." She turned and nodded to Travis and he rose and left the room. "It was when I was cleaning and packing. You all moved away so fast and left some things. I held on to them all these years thinking I could give them back if I ever saw you again."

This was the older woman I remembered. It was good to see she hadn't completely lost her memories, though it was sad that a lot of them had gone. For this clear moment I was grateful to have her back.

"Gran and Poppop talked about you a lot, Mrs. Baxter. They were so fond of you and your family. I'm so glad you were able to live here even if only for this short time." I squeezed her hand back as she stared into my eyes, and I wondered how soon it would be that my own grandmother forgot who I was.

"Well, Helen and Burt are good people." She nodded as she spoke and Travis returned carrying an old shoe box covered in dust. He handed it to me as he sat down and I glanced at Mrs. Baxter who looked as if she might cry as she watched me pull the lid off.

Inside the box, the first thing I saw was a picture of me standing on the front step with my mother. I was staring at the flower garden, but she was smiling brightly at the camera, assumedly held by my father. In the window behind us, Cici stood with her thumb in her mouth watching us. Mom and I wore garden gloves and it appeared we were very proud of the flowers now growing in the flower bed.

Seeing the happy memory brought tears to my eyes. I had seen a similar picture in my photo album at home only a few weeks ago. This picture must have been one that didn't make the cut into the album and got put in a box on a shelf somewhere. I wondered what else we'd left behind in this place when we were whisked away so quickly. But I didn't want to go through the entire box now. If I did, I was likely to start crying and want to call Cici.

"Thank you for this treasure," I said, looking back up at Mrs. Baxter, who was gone inside her head again.

"You know, Henry, I think we could really do a lot with this place. New wallpaper, some new furniture. It will look good as new." She beamed and folded her hands in her lap and I sipped the rest of my tea as Travis tried to remind his aunt that they would be moving soon.

And this place would be all mine, memories and all.

I just hoped it meant the same thing to Cici as it meant to me.