February Sucks, YAAE

"However, if we can't get past my issues of trust and inadequacy, then this marriage is dead. I'm only 35 and I'm still young enough now to start a new family with someone else. I'm afraid that we might spend lots of time and effort trying to patch things up to no avail. If that happens, then all this time was wasted when I could have been spending it getting started with the rest of my life."

At this pronouncement, Linda audibly gasped and hung her head and started quietly crying. She had tried to remain composed and allow Jim to express his issues without being emotional, but his last issue caught her completely off guard.

"I'm sorry," she uttered, trying to regain her composure, "I had no idea that Jim felt this way, I guess it came as quite a shock," Linda said looking at John. He handed Linda a box of tissues from his desk and Linda took one and dried her eyes and blew her nose. Calming herself, she took a deep breath and glanced at Jim and John, "sorry about that, I was really trying to keep my emotions in check, guess I failed."

She noticed that when she glanced at Jim his expression was neutral, maybe even disinterested. In the past, he was always concerned and comforted her if she became emotional, especially if she cried. Now he just sat there looking like he was studying a balance sheet.

John continued, "I'd like to briefly respond to Jim's last issue before we continue. I suggest that, no matter what ends up happening, the time we spend together working on your marriage should not be viewed as 'wasted time.' I've had many clients over the years work very hard and spend lots of time talking to me about these kinds of issues long after the marriage has ended. With troubling issues, its normal for people to need 'closure.' Understanding their feelings, even if the relationship has ended, is a positive way of achieving closure so that you can move on in life in a positive direction."

He looked at the couple and found both nodding, Linda a bit more positively than Jim.

"Linda, its your turn to share the issues that you see in your marriage, the ones that you want us to focus on during our sessions together, are you ready?"

"Yes, I've given this a lot of thought over the past week. I think my issues are closely tied to Jim's. First, I'm scared that Jim no longer loves me and wants to get a divorce no matter what. I know I screwed up big time, and I know that what I did was inexcusable, but it was just one night out of almost ten years of marriage. I don't think I'm getting any credit for all the good times and love I've put into this marriage for the past ten years. So, I guess this issue would be 'feeling unloved.'"

"My second issue is 'guilt.' I feel tremendous guilt at what I've done to our marriage and to my husband. I didn't plan ahead of time to do what I did. I got caught up in the moment and made some terrible decisions. I thought that it would be a brief, memorable encounter and that my husband, while being upset, would forgive me, knowing that I'd never do it again. Instead, I feel no forgiveness and I find that our marriage on the edge of an abyss. I try imagining if the roles were reversed and some supermodel suddenly had the hots for Jim and swept him away for a night of memorable sex, would I react the same way? I don't think I would, I think I'd be upset but that I'd forgive him. But I guess it didn't happen to me, it happened to Jim, so I really don't know for sure."

"Finally, I also feel a great deal of anxiety and uncertainty, kind of like Jim feels only different. These feelings have gone up tremendously in the last few minutes, hearing how Jim apparently already has one foot out the door and thinks that he is just wasting his time trying to repair our marriage during these sessions. If Jim does decide to divorce me what do I have, other than my kids, to lean on?"

"In college, I earned a degree in marketing and worked in sales for a few years and I was pretty good at it. I was consistently in the top tier of salespeople and I also won a few awards. I left when we decided to start a family. I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom and I didn't want my kids to be in daycare for most of the day. Jim lovingly supported my decision. Now, while I've loved staying home with Emma and Tommy, I think it's time for me to go back to work."

"When I arrived home after my night away with Marc, I found that Jim had canceled my credit cards and transferred most of the money out of our checking and savings accounts. I felt helpless. I understand that Jim was really angry with me and did these things to punish and hurt me, but still I felt helpless and completely dependent on Jim for access to money. I no longer want to rely so completely on someone else for my financial well-being. So, I plan on interviewing for jobs when Tommy goes to full-day kindergarten this fall."

John then asked, "Jim, how do you feel about Linda's plans to return to work this fall?"

"I think it's a great idea. Linda's right, I did cancel the credit cards and transfer money out of our accounts when she was spending the night and much of the next day with that NFL Asshole. And yes, part of my reasoning was to make her feel some pain, maybe a fraction of the pain that I was feeling. However, another part was because I no longer knew who she was. The Linda that I thought I knew would never have left me high-and-dry in front of our friends so that she could go back to some stranger's house and have wild sex, no matter who or how famous the guy was. When she discovered that I took the kids on a vacation, I had no idea how she would respond or if she'd blow a bunch of money on a getaway for her and her new NFL fuck buddy."

"Jim, I've had absolutely no contact with Marc since he dropped me off Saturday morning, and I assure you that I have no intention of ever seeing him again."

"But we're talking about how I was feeling while you were STILL at his house. I had no idea what you were thinking, I no longer thought I knew you at all."

"OK, I understand, but really Jim, it was over the minute he dropped me off. There is NO WAY I'd even speak to him on the phone, let alone see him again. Especially after everything that's gone on since that night."

"I'm afraid our time is up. I think we've made some nice progress today. During the next week, I would like you to try discussing one of the issues that we've outlined today, whichever one you choose. Pick a time when you won't be interrupted, maybe after you put your children to bed. Agree ahead of time that if the discussion gets out of hand -- too emotional, angry name calling, that kind of thing, that either one of you can call a time out and end the discussion without any recriminations."

"Agree on one, and only one, issue to discuss for now. It might help to set a timer so that you limit the amount of time you discuss the issue. Agree to go back-and-forth so that one person says how they feel and the other person has a chance to respond without resorting to yelling or name calling. Again, if that starts to happen, call a time out and end the meeting. This week, only schedule one session and discuss the one agreed upon issue from either of your lists. We'll visit next week and talk about how the at-home session went. If at-home sessions appear to work, we can explore expanding upon them so that we can make faster headway than just discussing them here in our weekly sessions. Don't worry if you have setbacks, they're perfectly normal, but with hard work and understanding you'll be surprised at what you can accomplish."

On the way out of the office to their cars, Linda broached the subject of their first at-home meeting. "Jim, I completely understand all of the issues that you outlined today. Again, I'm sorry that I'm the cause of all of them."

She looked over and Jim and saw him nod slightly acknowledging her statement. She continued, "My test results should be back soon and I was hoping that we could resume making love once I get a clean bill of health back from the lab. I was hoping we could use our at-home session time to discuss your second issue of 'inadequacy.' I'd like to assure you that you're a wonderful lover and have absolutely nothing to feel inadequate about, so maybe we could use our time to discuss this issue?"

"How about the trust issues?" Jim inquired.

Linda looked down. "I think that's going to be a bigger issue to tackle and we're probably going to need lots of help from John. I thought if we could resume some level of intimacy, it might make us feel better towards each other and make it easier for us to address the tougher issues on our lists. Please? I so badly want you back in our bed with me. I need to show you how much I love you and words only go so far. Maybe you could start sleeping in our bed with me this week before I get the results back? I promise not to try anything until after I've gotten my clean bill of health. What do you think?"

"OK, I'll move back to our bedroom tonight. I'm surprised the kids haven't noticed that I've been sleeping in the den. We can talk about the inadequacy issue sometime this week. I'm not promising that we'll make love the minute you receive a clean bill of health. You need to be patient with me. If you push me, I'll just move back to the den and sleep there again."

"Oh, thank you, thank you! I won't push you, I never want to see you sleep in the den ever again, even if you've got a cold. When we make love again, I want you to want me almost as much as I want you, but I'm not sure that's possible. I haven't slept well at all with you sleeping in the den. I need you in bed beside me, making me feel safe and loved."

Linda noticed that this time Jim was walking with her as they walked towards her car. Jim opened the door for her and waited for her to enter. Before she got in, Linda turned and planted a kiss right on Jim's lips, realizing that it was the first kiss between them since their marriage blew up three weeks before. Jim returned the kiss, but didn't extend it. He wasn't much for PDA (public displays of affection) anyway, so this didn't matter to Linda, she was just happy that they had finally kissed and Jim wasn't repulsed by her touch.

"I'll see you at home," Jim said, "I'll be a few minutes behind you, I'll probably stop and get some gas, but at least I don't have to return to the office."

The smile never left Linda's face as she drove home. Things finally looked to be turning, albeit slightly, in a positive direction. True, they had some very big issues to hurdle, but at least -- for once -- she was reservedly confident about their ability to tackle them without ending their marriage.

---------- o ----------

When Jim arrived home, he found Linda talking on her phone in the kitchen. Her back was to him and he didn't think she heard him come in from the garage.

"Thanks for the invite, Dee, but Jim and I won't be able to make it."

....

"I know we haven't gotten together for quite a while, but I'm afraid we're going to be looking for new friends."

....

"I know its not your fault, it's my fault. Jim feels like all of his friends stabbed him in the back when many of them knew that I was leaving the club with Marc. He feels betrayed that no one even gave him a heads up. Looking at it from his point of view, I can understand how he feels and I plan to support him. That's something I should have done back at the club; I never should have agreed to even dance with Marc. I'll regret that decision for the rest of my life."

....

"Sure, I enjoyed it. Any woman would feel special about being picked out of the crowd by a famous football player, but it wasn't nearly worth what it has cost me and my family."

....

"Of course, he was a good lover, god knows he has enough notches on his bedpost. However, I know that I wasn't special to him. To him I was just an object, an evening's plaything. There was no love between us. Looking back, the act itself was completely devoid of love or emotion, it was like two dogs going at it. He was aggressive and demanding, that was kind of exciting, but I don't think he really cared about what I wanted. It might have made for a decent porn scene, but I'd gladly trade a lifetime of sex like that with Marc for just one night of lovemaking with Jim. Lovemaking like we used to share before I ruined it."

....

"Well, I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm sure you can find another couple to take our place, but Jim has made it crystal clear that he no longer wants to get together with any of the couples and I have to stand with him on his decision."

....

"Alright, please understand that I have no bad feelings towards you or anyone else in the group. I made some stupid decisions that night and I'm paying for them now. I'm sorry that it means and end to our friendship."

....

"It's easy to say that without standing in my shoes. If you guys go back to the club, who knows, maybe Marc will pick you next. He seems to have a thing for married women whose husbands are nearby, probably just a power trip for him."

....

"If Marc does pick you, I sure hope for your sake that it doesn't damage your relationship with Dave. I wouldn't wish the problems that Jim and I are going through right now on my worst enemy."

....

"Take care, Dee. I'm sorry we can't be friends anymore, but I'm afraid that's how it has to be, at least for the time being. Hope you can understand .... OK, bye."

Turning to put her phone back in her purse, Linda saw Jim standing in the doorway between the laundry room and the kitchen, a big smile on his face.

"Oh, I didn't hear you come in. I thought you were going to stop for gas."

"The car has just over a quarter tank, I figured it could wait until tomorrow."

"How long have you been standing there? Did you hear my phone call with Dee?"

"I heard enough of it. You can't know how good I feel that you're on my side supporting me on this. I didn't know what I would do if you decided you wanted to remain friends and continue doing things with Dee and the rest of the backstabbers."

"Of course, I choose you over any of them. I made a bad set of decisions three weeks ago, but I'm committed to you and to our marriage over anything, and everyone, else."

"God, I love you," Jim said, stepping forward, embracing Linda in his arms and planting her lips with a passionate kiss. Linda's heart soared; she was so happy that she thought she was going to cry once again, but at least tears of happiness.

Ending the kiss, Linda nuzzled her face into Jim's chest for a moment before pulling back and looking up at his face. Jim's smile was genuine and his eyes had a sparkle in them that she hadn't seen in over three weeks. She smiled up at him and thought, God, maybe we can pull through this mess after all!

---------- o ----------

Later in the week, on Tuesday night, they scheduled their at-home session to discuss their agreed upon issue of Jim's perceived 'inadequacy.' After putting Emma and Tommy to bed, Jim pulled a bottle of chilled Leeuwin estate's chardonnay wine from the refrigerator, one of their favorite brands from Western Australia. The wine was a bit pricy, but a wonderful extravagance that they afforded themselves once in a while. They decided to sit in comfortable chairs in the living room, rather than sitting around the kitchen table in stiff, wooden chairs.

Sitting back and relaxing, they delved into the topic at hand. Jim started off by saying that overhearing Linda's phone call with Dee probably did more to overcome his feelings of inadequacy than he thought possible. He knew that she wasn't just saying words to make him feel better since she didn't know he was listening.

"That being said, I do have to wonder if you still think about your night with Asshole. I suppose you still look at it as a 'magical evening' for you."

"Jim, I'm not going to lie and say that I never think about that night with Marc, I do from time to time. However, as time goes on, and we struggle through our issues, that night feels less and less 'magical' and more and more like a big mistake. It was also so out of character to the loving, devoted, wife and mother that I try to be. When I look back, it almost feels like it wasn't me, but was some other woman that went back to Marc's place that night."

"OK, I think I can understand that. At Saunder's office, you wondered how you would feel if I got swept off my feet by a beautiful woman who gave me a night of wonderful sex while you stood by and watched me leave with her. Let me tell you a little story, I hadn't told you before because I didn't want to upset or worry you."

"If you remember, last summer Jeremy from my office and I traveled down to Dallas to meet with some prospective customers and a possible supplier. We were staying at a really nice Weston hotel on the north side of town. After our meetings, Jeremy and I had dinner and then went back to the hotel bar to further discuss the day's events and try to make a decision about the supplier."

"After a couple of beers, Jeremy called it a night and went back to his room. I was still finishing my beer and going through a few emails on my phone. A few minutes later, a very attractive, tall brunette approached my bar table and asked if I'd like any company. She must have been about 5'10" with long, straight black hair that went past the middle of her back but not quite to her waist. She had a thin build and looked to be in her mid to late twenties. I still had on my dark grey power suit, so I wasn't looking too shabby myself."

The look on Linda's face was one of shock. She swallowed hard. Jesus, Jim is about to tell me that he screwed this woman last summer in Dallas. I guess he's telling me in order to ease his conscious, knowing that it would be damned hard for me to act angry considering what I've done!

"I told her she was welcome to join me, but that I probably wouldn't be staying very long after I finished my beer. I also told her that she was welcome to my table as empty seats and tables in the bar area were in short supply. She sat in Jeremy's chair and introduced herself as 'Amber,' saying that she was in Dallas and staying at the hotel for a few days on business. She said she was a pharmaceutical sales rep and that she had spent the day visiting pompous doctors at nearby offices and hospitals."

"We probably talked for about 30 minutes, and I'll admit to engaging in a fair amount of flirting. Amber was easy to talk to, and even easier on the eyes. I could see other guys in the bar looking at us with envy, wondering how I nabbed this beautiful woman. I'll admit, it was pretty good for my ego," Jim said with a smile.

"I knew I had full day planned for the next day, so I told Amber that I'd better be getting back to my room. At that point, she put her hand on top of mine. She asked me if I would like a little company back at my room, and she assured me that we'd have a good time together. Jeremy's room was on a different floor than mine, so there was little or no chance that he'd see us."

"When Amber first approached my table, I'd noticed that she was wearing a wedding ring. I pointed to it and then to my own ring and said, 'what would your husband and my wife have to say about it?' She responded that she and her husband had a somewhat 'open relationship' and that they were each allowed to play when they were alone and out of town. I told her that my wife and I didn't have such an open relationship. At that point, she gave me a sultry look and said, 'but your wife isn't here and I am. She'll never even know.'"

"At this point, I quietly said, 'you're right, she would never know. But I would. While you certainly are a beauty, I'd never again be able to look at myself in the mirror without seeing a disgusting, lowlife cheater. Have a good night, Amber.' I then left the bar and walked to the elevators and up to my room, alone."