All Comments on 'Fooling Priory'

Would like some more of this?

Really good. Nice writing. "Turning me on" seemed a bit anachronistic, but it only stood out because the rest of it read so authentically. Only gave it one star though, because authenticity is vital in erotic writing.

Just kidding. Five stars :)

I'm a tad conflicted after having read this, because I remember your first work in a contest and it was pretty complete. It seems this one would have benefited from more details, especially considering the category it's in and what I've normally observed from other past genre commenters.

First off however, you certainly pull off the April Fools. The sexual interlude you included proved plenty steamy with Kitty and Bertie. You clearly define that he knows his place, can be pretty selfish, and would not hesitate to use his position to obtain what he wants. When we see what he says could happen to Lizzie, you know he's unlikely to be compassionate. This is what makes what happens between him and Kitty, or what Kitty does or fails to do so important.

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Kitty truly has him over a barrel when she surprises him, and I believe the story would have benefited far more had she managed to leave the room perhaps and tell on him. That would have led to a more enraged brother, which could have escalated the future encounter. The other weakness is that the story ends appearing to confirm that he will fully consummate the relationship with the sister.. but what is his real reason? What is her real reason for allowing it and giving in? And finally, many in this category almost universally scream for a threesome and tons of details about it. So including that part would have completed it and added more spice for more readers (not me personally) in general because that's what they typically want and look for in this category. 3