Freshers Week

I could not even think it, every time my mind came close to forming the words a hot swell of nausea and denial rose in my gullet, making my steps falter. But there it was. I took a deep breath and confronted a side of myself I didn't know existed, or particularly wanted to exist, but it was there all the same. I was attracted to girls.

In my head the words did not feel real, so I took a deep breath and whispered the words out loud on a single exhalation. Suddenly feeling self-conscious I looked around the quiet street to make sure no one had heard.

The street was deserted except for a single black cat that sat on top of a wall watching me as only cats can. Feeling a little silly I hurried on. Some part of me felt almost liberated, that I had been able to say it.

That is until I thought of my parents. What would I say to them? Horror filled me at the thought of what they would say. They would disown me. I could never tell them. And why should I? Ok I could admit to myself that I was attracted to women, it did not change anything. I could always choose. I never have to act on that attraction. No one needs to ever know.

With that settled, I walked the rest of the way home. My thoughts in turmoil, but less so than before.
Getting into my room I crawled into bed without even bothering to get undressed first. The events of the past few hours had left me emotionally exhausted. But my mind would not shut down no matter how drained I felt, too much had happened.

After a while my thoughts returned to where this had all started, with me laying right here listening as John, Eve, and Susan had shared something I doubted I ever would.

That line of thinking led me to thinking about John. Even thinking about him caused a small jolt to run over my skin. I began to wonder if John and that other girl were asleep in the room just the other side of the wall.

Before I could stop it, I started to wonder if she had been as loud As Eve or Susan. Who was she? Did he know her, or did he just go around picking up girls and having sex with them? Would my whole year be laying here listening as girl after girl had him in that room with me lying here wanting to be one of them?
Those thoughts chased themselves round and round my mind alongside Eve's eyes burning into mine from just above me.

At some point I must have fallen asleep as I was woken by sounds coming from John's room. Bright sunlight flooded into my room from my open curtains.

I could clearly hear soft feminine moans of pleasure, although quieter than Eve and Susan had been, the sounds were all the more erotic for what they lacked in volume were made up for by the quiet passion with which they were evoked.
Under her gentle moans of pleasure, I could hear the rhythmic movement of the bed as an almost musical counterpoint to their love making. This was different from the lustful need that John and the others shared. This sounded more intimate, more love making than sex.

Just the thought of John's body suspended above her, his manhood entering her again and again. Each deep thrust forced more pleasure through her body. So much so that it could only find an escape as those soft moans of release. I could almost imagine what it must look like in there but I had seen little of this girl last night so at first it was Susan I saw underneath him as he thrust, her cute face scrunched up in a pleasure that was almost painful in its expression.

I could not bear it. The sounds and images were lighting fires of excitement throughout my body each one burning brighter than the last spreading through my body closer and closer to my core.

Each moan, each depression of the bed springs, sending shivers of longing through my body ending in my centre causing a further rush of wetness to my already well damp pussy.

I tried to resist the desire coursing through me but I knew it was inevitable. I could not take it anymore. I wanted to feel his body over mine. To have him inside me, filling me.
Without thinking about what I was doing, I reached out to my nightstand for my hairbrush while lifting up my skirt to free myself.

Listening intently, I timed myself pressing the handle of the brush deep inside me just as he entered her.

The brush handle was not very big, but it filled me in a way I had never felt before, the walls of my sex squeezing the shaft holding it inside me. I pulled it out once more. Each time I heard him enter her, I pushed the brush deep within me pretending it was his hard cock penetrating me deeply. My free hand stroking my burning clit as the brush sank deep inside me.

Very quickly my own sounds of pleasure rose from my lips, each one forced out in a rush. My brush filled the whole of me, imagining it to be John pumping into me hard, taking me in a way I had allowed no man to take me before.

My mind filled with a fog of pleasure so intense all else was driven from me till all that remained of the world was myself, the feel of the handle pressing into me harder and harder and the rush of my excitement escaping from my throat as a vast scream of pure release.

Even the sounds from next door drained from the world as the pleasure took over. Nothing else mattered but the moment, the pressure built up and up until I could not hold it in anymore.

A massive convulsion wracked my body the pressure forcing its way from my body in an explosive rush of pure physical pleasure. The convulsions were so strong my back left the bed with one name on my lips as the loudest largest orgasm I had ever released escaped from me.

Exhausted I collapsed onto the bed, totally spent. The world a fog of after orgasm contentment. It took a few seconds before anything intruded upon the little bubble my world had become.

Slowly I became aware of other sounds over the beating of my heart. I could hear the ticking of my bedside clock and sounds of the street from outside the window.

With a start, it dawned on me that the sounds from next door had stopped. Had they heard me? How loud had I been?

Suddenly shocked and ashamed I ran for the shower hoping to get in and out before John and his guest came out of his room. Part of me Hoped I would never have to face him again, but I knew that was impossible.

Full of nerves I all but ran down the hall to the shower. Just as I began to pull the door closed behind me, I heard Johns door begin to open.

Slamming the door behind me I quickly set the shower running and climbed in. Not sure what I would do or say if I saw him. Only knowing that I needed to hide, to get away.

What on earth was happening to me? A wave of exhaustion and emotion flooded through me. I could no more hold back that flood than stop an earthquake. I slid down the shower wall till I was sitting directly under the stream of hot water.

Unbidden tears formed in my eyes. I sat crying in the shower, I could not help it, it was all too much. I had always been a good girl. I had always tried to be what my parents wanted me to be. I had always known what was right. I was not exactly religious, not like my parents, but I had always tried to live by the bible.

But now, no more than, three days at university and my world was turned upside down. The lines between right and wrong were blurring and I was no longer sure where the line sat, let alone on what side of that line I stood. If this was growing up I was not sure I wanted it to continue.

A dark and terrible voice chirped up in my mind. What if I was slowly becoming a slut? Would I end up like one of those girls you saw on TV who did not care who it was with? My tears flowed more freely as shudders wracked my body.

Pictures of Eve and Susan flashed through my mind, not just a slut but a bisexual slut at that. What was happening to me? The stress and shame of the past few days finally broke the dam. Huge sobs rocked my body as I leaned against the cold hard tiles. Warm water washing over me.

Slowly and painfully the sobs subsided. Leaving a small hollow feeling in my chest. Subdued I washed myself without thinking. Only when I could clean no more did I slowly get dressed back into my clothes and walked down the hall. my body working on remote, my mind hiding somewhere deep in my head.

Despite my misgivings there was no sign of John or his female companion. Back in my room I decided to wear my most conservative clothing, needing the comfort of routine.

I came back to myself as I sat facing my small mirror brushing my wet hair. The hollow feeling in my chest had subsided somewhat and I was once again able to think. Ok I had masturbated. That was nothing new. I knew that everyone did it. I had nothing to be ashamed of there. I had even thought about girls in a way I never thought I would. But ultimately what was wrong with that? It was just a phase, it had to be. You hear about it all the time. Some people went so far as to say that everyone must go through something similar at some point, it was a part of growing up. Even if it is not a phase would it be so bad? I mean my family would never understand, it would break their hearts. But in this day and age there was no stigma attached to it, it was almost normal now.

As for the way I acted around John, it's not like I had actually slept with him. I had a crush, a big one yes, but it was not the first crush I had had. I would get over it eventually. It's not like I was in love with him. I barely knew him. We had spent less than an hour in each other's company. If I really got to know him I would probably find he was someone I didn't really like.

Looking myself in the eye in the mirror I nodded, the emotional storm had subsided, and I had started to feel my old self once more. Whatever it is that's happening to me I'll get past it.

Feeling better in myself I finished getting dressed and walked confidently out of my room to get something to eat.

My confidence lasted as long as it took to open my bedroom door. Standing just outside the door stood John. He was just standing there as if waiting for me to come out. At the sight of him all the confidence I had gathered shattered.

He did not say anything, but I could see his eyes moving slowly up and down my body, a cheeky smile playing over his lips.
As his eyes reached mine, I could see the knowledge I had been most dreading, in his eyes. HE HAD HEARD ME! I could feel the heat of my blush starting to rise, and a different sort of heat burning in my lower abdomen. He had heard me, and rather than embarrassed by this fact, my stupid body had betrayed me. It was responding to his look with lust, it felt almost empowering. I could feel my juices starting to flow once again at the thought of him in his room listening to me scream out his name.

In my mind I could see him lying there sweat glistening on his body, his hand lowering down, gripping himself as he listened. My blush turned a deeper scarlet. Afraid of my reaction I lowered my eyes from his, breaking the contact.
I walked past him into the kitchen, picking up a breakfast bar before returning to my room. Knowing that if I stayed, I would do something I would regret.

Collapsing against my door as it closed, I could not help but look at myself in the mirror. What was this side of me? Was it just a phase? Looking into my deep brown eyes I felt a part of me shift, to change.

I knew I was at a crossroad. One way was the me I had always imagined and the other was something infinitely more exciting and infinitely more frightening. I knew what path I would take no matter how much I might fight it, the call of that road was just too strong.

My tears had dried up. My brain knew that I should not be feeling this way but looking myself in the mirror I could not bring myself to feel as if I was in the wrong. It felt as if part of me had died in that shower, my childhood maybe.

I was not ready to cross every line. I still had a promise to keep but I was tired of self-loathing. I did not know who I was becoming. But whoever she was there were things about her I liked, her confidence for one. I would not break my Vow, but I did not need to, to have fun. Feeling lighter than I had in a while. I got myself ready for another day of boredom wearing the classic jeans and black top.

Prepared, I made my way out expecting another day of dull men in dull suits telling us about dull paperwork.

Chapter four

John was nowhere to be seen as I left the flat. A fact I was glad of, not sure how I was going to handle that one yet. The walk to the university was becoming something of a habit. I had only done it a handful of times and already I knew every turn. No longer did I have to look at every junction and wonder if I should have gone that way. My feet seemed to know which way to go on their own. Not having to think about the journey meant that my mind was free to wander.

The day was once again bright and clear with a nice cool breeze. As I walked, I thought about my week, what I would eat and little things like that but my mind kept wandering back to that morning. What I had done, the changes that seem to have come over me. It all whirled around and around.
Before I knew it, I was standing outside the lecture hall. Looking around at the other students, my eyes roaming, searching. Before my conscious mind had even realised what it was doing, I spotted Eve and Susan.

They were standing a little away from the rest of us talking in a secluded corner. It never occurred to me that they might be in my lecturers today. All the courses were sharing most of the induction, so it made sense. It just had never occurred to me.

As I stood there not sure what to do, I noticed that every so often they kept shooting wary glances my way, as if nervous of my reaction. Images of last night played through my head. How must it have looked from their point of view?

Not sure what I would say to them, only knowing that I didn't really want to lose the only real friends I had made so far. I found myself approaching them, my walk far more confident than I felt.

As soon as they noticed me walking towards them, they both smiled a sad nervous smile, clearly unsure what I was about to do or say. Seeing that smile I realised how much I had scared them by storming out last night. I could see my own nervousness mirrored in their eyes.

Making up my mind to act as if nothing had happened, to simply move on, I walked over to them. Before my conscious mind even engaged, I began telling them what I had heard through the wall, omitting only my own contributions. I was as surprised as they were, but once I started, I found I did not want to stop. Despite what had passed between us I knew that they would understand, and I needed someone to talk to. Someone who would not judge me.

Both girls looked a little shocked at first, clearly expecting me to say something about last night but as I recounted the details of this morning, small knowing grins spread over their faces. It seemed as if they guessed at the bits I had left out of the story. Looking at their faces I could feel a blush begin to rise up my face.

Lowering my eyes from their amused gaze, I felt a sense of relief as I realised everyone had started to file into the hall. I turned and joined the throng, hoping that no one spotted my reddening face.

I took a seat near the back of the hall thinking at least here no one will be facing me. Eve and Susan quickly joined me, taking a seat either side of me. It felt comforting to have friends on either side once more, and more than a little confusing as I felt some part of me become hyper aware of them. Each brush of skin or leg, sending a little jolt through my whole body.

Pulling my notebook out of my bag I prepared myself for another long and pointless talk on the use of a library, or some such.

We all sat there in silence, my open notebook in front of us an aging minister began his lecture on the university chapel and the Christian union. Already half the students in the room had their mobile phones out or were doodling. But the minister did not seem to mind, or even notice. He simply droned on and on. Looking around more closely at the other people present it was clear that a few of them were on the edge of sleep. Even some of the other lecturers who were in the hall looked ready to nod off. Feeling drowsy myself I looked down to my notepad thinking that doodling may at least keep me awake.

But my note pad was no longer in front of me. Looking around quickly, thinking I may have knocked it into someone in front. Thankfully that was not the case, Susan had stolen it. Looking over her shoulder it was clear that she was writing in it. For a brief second annoyance ran through me, she could have at least asked if she wanted some paper to make notes on.

She seemed so intent on what she was writing that I found myself curious. She certainly did not seem the type to join the Christian union. I could not make out much of what she was writing but she seemed to be concerned that she got it right. The few lines she had written were covered in crossed out bits and pieces as she wrote and rewrote them.

Eventually she put down her pen and passed the book to me, she seemed to be avoiding my eyes as she did it. Turning it to face me I read what she had written, it was a short message, it seemed surprising that it had taken her so long to write.

"How were you this morning? I hope we did not scare you last night. We honestly thought you knew we were a couple. Especially after the night before. We don't seem to be very popular after that night. We really don't want to lose the one friend we have made over a drunken misunderstanding."
I had to read the message twice before its meaning had sunk in. So, they were as afraid of my reaction as I had been of theirs, and just as clearly, I had thrown them with my greeting outside. I knew I had to write something. To try to explain what had happened.

As I picked up the paper, I understood why it had taken so long for her to write such a relatively short message. What would I say? That's not true, I knew exactly what I wanted to say but I just could not put it into words. Where did I even begin?

Hesitantly at first, I formulated a reply that said some of what I wanted to say and slid the book back to her.

"Don't worry about it. I was a little taken aback that's all, especially after hearing you have sex with John. I did not know lesbians did that sort of thing. But I am ok with it. Honestly, it just took me by surprise is all.

PS I apologise for making a mess of your bathroom"

There was more I had wanted to write, wanted to say. but I'm unsure how to even identify what I felt, let alone put it into words. I just passed it over to Susan quickly, before I could change my mind.

I watched her face as she read the message. A relieved look coming into her eyes, and some of the tension I had not even realised was there leaving her shoulders. Once she had evidently finished herself, she passed the book past me to Eve.

Eve read both of our messages, and let out a little sigh, her relieved look matching Susan's. It was then that I noticed the bags under both of their eyes. I realised that neither of them appeared to have gotten much sleep last night. I hoped that I was not the cause for that but knowing that at least some of it was my fault.

Eve sat there for a few minutes with the book in front of her, pen poised above the page, before, finally, adding her own message to the bottom of the list. I looked down at the book as she passed it to me.

"Glad we did not scare you. Are you alright now? You looked quite ill last night. I hope you had a good time up to the being sick part. We did. Are you coming out on the pub crawls tonight? Susan and I are going. It sounds like a right laugh. We would both like it if you came with.

We hear that John is leading a tour for your hall, maybe we could tag along with you two. Who knows we might get a chance at a repeat performance of sun night? That is if you don't mind? I know you did not mind having to listen to us and John through the wall last time. We could always bring him back to mine if you prefer?"