Freshers Week

As I read through the message I could not stop as the small stab of both jealousy and excitement that raced through me. Did I mind listening to them again? The answer was a definite no, and yes. I knew that if what they were planning happened again it would only add to my already conflicted feelings, but I found that a part of me actually wanted them to repeat Sunday.

More than anything I wanted to be in the room with them watching, taking part but that was a step too far. Wasn't it? Images flashed through my head of all of us on John's bed. Just the thought of what might be happening in John's flat tonight started an intense burn in my lower belly.

Remarkably for once I managed to not blush, but I could see my hands were shaking slightly as I wrote my short reply. "Go for it! Enjoy yourselves! If I can't enjoy him. I am glad that it's you two who get to."

I passed the note to Eve, my hand trembling. Not daring to look at her, not trusting myself under that gaze. Eve must have noticed my shaking but made no note of it as she took the book. Watching her reaction out of the corner of my eye, I could see the small smile play around her lips and something I could not identify, as she read my message.

Sitting this close I could not help but notice the smoothness of her features, the soft lustre of her hair, the cheeky amusement sparkling in her eye. Never had I looked at a girl so closely or so openly. I could feel a deep and hidden longing rising deep within me. I wanted to reach out my hand, just to touch her, to feel the smoothness of her skin under my fingertips, to feel the soft brush of her hair against my cool skin.

The desire was almost overpowering, surprising me with its intensity. I had never felt something like it before in my life, the simple need for physical contact with another. It was overpowering. I could feel my hand begin to move of its own accord to brush her cheek, but I chickened out at the last minute and stifled a yawn instead to cover the movement.

Eve turned to look at me, a knowing half smile rose up her face lighting it. Knowing I had been caught, knowing somehow that Eve had known exactly what had been going through my mind I couldn't hold back my blush any longer. I could feel the heat starting to rise up my face, and still I was held tight by Eve's gaze.

Suddenly the spell was broken as Eve turned away to look at the front of the class. Turning I covered my face in my hands, hoping no one else could see me blush back here. What was happening to me? All I seem to be doing lately is blushing. Looking through my fingers I could see the book placed in front of me once more with a new message in the tidy script of Eve's hand.

Reading through my fingers "You're welcome to join us if it gets lonely on the other side of the wall. And why can't you have him yourself? you do live with him after all." Reading her message, I was unsure if she was joking or not, I was not even sure which I would have preferred.

My mind running a mile a minute I took up my pen to explain. That at least would be easy. Well if not easy at least the pain was an old one, one I was familiar with.

Chapter five
It all had started about three years before. At the time my best friend had been a girl called Emily. She had been a couple of years above me at school and was always one of those popular girls who seemed to make new friends without even trying. She almost ran our social circle, we all wanted to be just like her.

That makes her sound controlling, she wasn't, it's just she had an undeniable something that meant that people naturally wanted to follow her. Boys wanted to be with her, and women wanted to be her. And she was my best friend.

We had grown up together. When we were little, we had been neighbours, but her mother had gotten a better job and moved across town. Despite the distance we had remained friends. We were practically inseparable; we did everything together. To me she was like the older sister I did not have but always wanted.

To celebrate her having finally finished her "A levels" and moving on to university, Emily threw a big end of school party. Never to do something by half Emily invited everyone in her year of school. Of course, I had been invited as well. I felt so grown up going to a party with all these older boys and girls.

Emily had arranged to have the party while her parents were away for the weekend. I lied to my parents telling them that she was home alone all weekend and wanted some company.

All Friday night we talked about the party. Emily was very excited, there was this boy that she liked, and she had finally plucked up the courage to ask him. So, all Friday we talked about boys and what we should wear. On Sat morning we went out to buy supplies for the party and got ourselves ready. By the time the party began we were so psyched up that it was a little anticlimactic when it started.

The party started off slowly with everyone too sober and too embarrassed to do or say much. Everyone sort of sat around looking at each other, the music blaring. But as the drink began to flow people began to loosen up. Some people started dancing, girls at first but some of the guys started to join them and before long the party was in full swing.
At about eleven I realised that I had not seen Emily for a while. The last I had seen her she had been dancing with the boy she had invited, but now they were nowhere to be seen. As time went on, I became a little worried about my friend. It was not like her to leave her own party unattended. So, I began to look for her.

At first no one could remember seeing her, but I found a girl I knew who remembered seeing her heading up stairs a little while beforehand. Assuming she had gone up stairs to use the loo I followed her up to make sure everything was ok.
Once I got to the top of the stairs it was clear where she was. Up here the music was much quieter, but I could hear noises that at the time I did not recognise coming from her parents' bedroom.

A group of men had gathered outside the door blocking my view. I began to worry even more about Emily and what was going on. As I tried to get near the door, I could see glimpses of what was happening in there through the crowd. It was very clear what she was up to.

Before that night Emily had been a virgin, we used to talk about how we would want to lose our virginity and too who. So, I knew that what I was seeing was not the way she had pictured it.

I quickly left the house and went and sat in the back garden, no longer wanting to be a part of the party. I don't know how long I sat there, alone in the dark. But eventually Emily came to find me.

For a while she simply sat beside me not speaking and I could hear her gentle sobs even over the sounds of the party from in the house.

Eventually in halting speech she explained what had happened. It mostly boiled down to one simple fact she had got drunk, very drunk. She had seen the guy she liked sitting on his own in the corner not knowing anyone there and so had pulled him onto the dance floor. For a while they had just danced, but then he had kissed her. Feeling a little out of place kissing in front of everyone she had pulled back but when he suggested that they go upstairs for a little privacy she simply could not think of a reason to say no.

Once upstairs in her parents' room they had started to kiss in earnest, his hands all over her body. Part of her had screamed to stop him but it had felt so good she let him continue. She explained how it had felt good, better than anything she had felt before. But all too quickly it was over. She did not want it to stop but the guy was spent.

In their haste they had not shut the door properly. Some people had seen them. Still high from the booze and the sex she had just invited them in. She didn't even know the name of the guy who came in next. She just lay there while he did what he wanted with her, then another and another, it kept on and on. Even after she did not want it anymore, she just did not have the strength to say no.

Over the course of two hours every guy at the party had been with her. Ashamed and in pain She had fled the room, finding only judgemental stares from the women and leering looks from the boys, Emily had decided to hide in the garden. That was where she had found me.

After she was finished speaking, she had lapsed into silence once more. I was not sure what to say. I just put my arm around her and held her while the party wound down behind us.

Eventually we returned to the nearly empty house. We found a few of the guys still asleep in her parents' bed and they were not alone, it seems Emily was not the only girl to have been had that night.

I wrote about how Emily had not used protection and nine months later had given birth to a baby boy. With no idea which one of the fifteen guys was the father she went into a deep depression. Her parents all but disowning her. My own family forbid me to even speak to her once they found out what had happened to her. Things went downhill for her. She could not go to uni and had to work to pay for her baby. Most of her friends abandoned her. I still snuck messages to her when I could despite my parents edict but it was never the same between us after that.

After seeing Emily go through all that changed me. I had made a vow to myself, not to put myself through the same. I had vowed not to have sex until I was ready for the consequences, and to me that meant no sex before marriage.

Chapter Six
Once I finished writing I felt liberated. I had not told anyone of the reasons for my vow. I had never really needed to, most of my friends knew Emily, some of them having even been there that night. Writing the story down like that felt like getting a load off my mind, like shedding a weight I was not even aware I had been carrying.

I passed the book to Susan first and as before after she had finished reading the book got passed to Eve. I hoped now that they would at least understand me a bit better and I really wanted them to understand me.

For a while the book was passed back and forth as they both read and reread the story. Before long the book was back in front of me with a message in Susan's neat script. "Would she have wanted you to forgo sex on her part? Or simply learn from her mistake?"

I looked at the question, it was the obvious question but one I had never asked myself before. I thought hard about the answer, what would Emily have wanted in my situation, the answer to that was simple. It was a resounding no.
On the few occasions we had been able to speak since, Emily had always tried talking me out of my Vow claiming that her bad experience should not sour it for me. She always claimed that there were parts of that night she had really enjoyed. No matter what she said to me, I could not get the image of Emily sitting there in that garden crying out of my mind. Her body curled up against mine as if trying to hide from what she had done.

I knew that Emily had not forgone sex, if the rumours were true it was the exact opposite. But it just never seemed right to me, to risk my whole future for something so fleeting.
I did not write anything on the pad, instead I simply sat there for the rest of the morning session thinking about that night and my choices that I had made because of it. I knew the girls kept sneaking glances my way obviously waiting for my reply I just ran through it all in my head over and over trying to decide for myself what the answer should be.

Had I overreacted shutting out that side of me? It was true that I had always had trouble keeping a boyfriend after that. They all had wanted more from me than I was willing to give. A couple of them even went so far as to seek it with my friends.

My musings had me so distracted that I didn't even notice the call to lunch. It was not till Eve poked me in the ribs to wake me up that the world reasserted itself.

Shocked that I had missed the entire session, I rose with the others and made my way to the union. Certain, at least hoping, that a cup of strong coffee and something to eat would help me get my head straight.

Sitting in the back corner, with Susan and Eve, a small sandwich and a steaming cup of coffee untouched in front of me. I watched the crowd of people as they sat and enjoyed their hour of freedom from the classroom.
Thinking of Emily had opened up old wounds. Ones I had only been vaguely aware had still hurt. Thinking on what Eve and Susan had said to me, what Emily herself had said to me, had opened my eyes somewhat. None of my friends back home had ever really talked about that night and what had happened to Emily. So, I had never really talked about it with anyone, never really had to explain my decision to anyone. I had always thought of it as a sensible decision. But now really looking at it for the first time I began to wonder how much of that had been my parents' influence.

They wanted me to grow up how they wanted. They had always wanted me to be the good little Christian girl, and in so many ways I had done just that. It had always seemed easier that way to avoid the fights and disappointed looks. There were times when it chafed, when I wanted to scream and cry and be my own person but ultimately, I had done what they expected. Was my vow just another example of that?

All this time I thought it had been my decision, that it had been because of what I had seen Emily go through. But what if it wasn't? What if it was a decision my parents had used Emily's situation to force upon me? Somehow that felt right to me as if some part of me had always known that was the case, but I was only now coming to consciously recognise it.

My vow of celibacy, I had made it out of fear, a fear that was unjustified, or was it? Did my parents have a point in pushing this choice on me? I could not deny how it had affected Emily's life. She had been forced to give up her dreams to look after her child. But was she unhappy?

She had been for a long while, it is true. But last time I had seen her she did not seem upset and it's true that she loved her son. Maybe she had not given up her dreams? Maybe she simply changed them? Maybe I was the one being the coward? curtailing to my parents' wishes.
I could hear Eve and Susan talking conspiratorially behind me. With a guilty start I realised I had not said a word since telling them about Emily. Deciding that I was not really being that good a friend I put my musing on my own problems on the back burner so I could join the land of the living once more.
I turned my ears onto Eve and Susan was discussing trying to find a way to join in the conversation. What I heard caused me to momentarily wish I had not decided to listen in.

Having decided that I was away with the fairies my new friends were discussing their plans for the pub crawls tonight. The fresher's pub crawls it seemed were fancy dress. From here I could see a poster on the union wall advertising them.

Some bright spark had chosen pyjama party to be the theme this year. Both Eve and Susan, like a lot of girls I was sure, had decided that this meant they could get away with wearing as little as possible. In fact, from the sounds of things it seemed Susan and Eve had decided that they were coming in a silk kimono style dressing gown, and that was it. Literally nothing else.

The idea of being out with them both, knowing that they would be wearing nothing underneath their dressing gown had me looking forward to the night even more. It occurred to me that I had no idea what I would be wearing tonight. I had not even given it a thought.

Emboldened by their openness and daring, and finally seeing a chance to join the conversation, I turned to Eve and asked her advice. Her beautiful blue eyes twinkled with mischief. As she calmly looked me up and down, her gaze raised goosebumps on my flesh. Susan simply giggled that naughty little giggle of hers "Welcome back" she said appraising me almost as openly as Eve.

Eve's response to my question was both predictable, and alluring, suggesting that I dress to match them. A part of me, a larger part than I realised, wanted to jump at the chance, wanted to be as open and as daring as they were. But I knew I would never have the guts to wear nothing under my night dress. Being honest I admitted I would never have the guts to do that which led to a whole debate on what I should wear.

Together we came up with a compromise. I would be wearing my bikini under my nightgown, that way I would not feel so naked but still would fit in with both of them. It still felt overmuch to me, a ball of nerves rising in my gut at just the thought, but I crushed it with logic. I had been seen in less when I wore that bikini at the beach last summer. Ok I had felt naked and nervous all day, and my mother had nearly had a heart attack when she saw my swimsuit.

At least tonight I would have my dressing gown over it all. Still I never would have had the guts to do it, but that new wild side of me had risen once more. Knowing what my companions planned as well was the final nudge I needed and I found myself agreeing with a grin on my face.

With that decided the conversation sort of lulled off once again. We all sat there thinking our own private thoughts. From the looks that they were sharing I could tell that Eve and Susan were thinking about tonight and what it had in store. My own thoughts returning once again to my own past. Thinking about the past that way led me to wondering about theirs. These two girls had fallen suddenly in my lap, a fact I was coming more and more glad about, but I really knew nothing about them.

Once more lost in my own little world I must have been muttering under my breath. Because I looked up and found both Eve and Susan looking at me. I could see the silent question in their eyes. They must have picked out their own names from my mutterings if nothing else and were obviously curious as to what I had been thinking.

Seeing no reason not to, I could not help but ask my new friends about how they met? The words falling from my lips before I had a chance to stop them. Eve just chuckled as if I had said something funny. But Susan jumped eagerly into the story almost as if she had been waiting to tell me. Apparently It had only been last year.

Chapter seven

Back then Susan had been seeing a guy called Dave. Susan had fancied him from a distance for a long time but being shy, had never thought in her wildest dreams that she really had a chance. He had always seemed so outspoken and popular. Surrounded by a gaggle of girls all of whom seemed besotted with him. It really took her by surprise when one day in her free period he had approached her.

She had been sitting in her usual place in the library reading, when she heard the usual babble of girls that always seemed to announce his presence. Usually when Dave and his group were in the library they sat near the door and today looked to be no different.

No sooner had Dave sat down than he looked across the library and saw Susan looking right at him. Embarrassed at being caught, she dropped her gaze trying to bully her brain into taking in something, anything in from the book.

After a few seconds she looked up expecting to see him sitting with his friends. But for once he was not in his usual seat. Looking round Susan had seen him walking towards the back of the library, in fact he seemed to be heading right for her table.

Quickly looking around she noticed that there were two others sitting nearby. Both engrossed in their books. Maybe he knew one of them? She tried not to notice as he took the only empty chair next to her, her belly suddenly full of butterflies.

For a while they had sat in silence, Susan knew that she should try to speak to him but every time she tried, the words died on their way to her throat. Eventually he broke the silence, by introducing himself.