Friends - Alternate Reality Ch. 31

Ross made a surprise, unannounced visit to Monica and Rachel's apartment, mid-week. Rachel was a little miffed because she was wearing sweats and she said she looked like a wreck. Chandler was already there. Ross gathered the four of them around the dining table, and pronounced, pompously, "I may have the solution to our housing crisis." The other three looked surprised to learn that they had been embroiled in a housing crisis. Ross elaborated, "Monica and Chandler, what are your housing plans for the next twelve months?"

Monica and Chandler looked at one another. As always, Monica spoke for the couple, "We want to move in together within the next twelve months. Actually, within the next couple of months."

Ross asked, "Where?"

Monica and Chandler exchanged a look again. Monica was noncommittal. She suspected that she was in a negotiation, and she didn't like showing her cards first. She said, "Here, if this place is available."

Ross said, "Rachel wants to live here, too. I want us to live in my place. I think I may have found a solution. There's a beautiful two bedroom coming available in my building!"

Monica and Chandler were all smiles. Rachel asked, "Your place is already more expensive than this one, Ross. How much is a two-bedroom?"

"It's proportionately more. Thirty-four percent more square footage, thirty-four percent more rent. But the best part is, Rachel, it has a master suite. It's got two bathrooms. That is going to be so great! What do you think, Rachel?"

Rachel said, "I love this place so much, but one bathroom has always been awkward. Your building is nicer, you have a view, better neighborhood."

Ross said, "Rachel, with our combined incomes, the rent is completely reasonable. Come see the apartment."

Rachel said, "I'll take a look. Maybe tomorrow after work."

The next evening, Rachel called from Ross's, "Monica, our apartment is now your apartment. Adios!"

When Monica told Chandler the news, he said, "The problem is that this apartment is too girly."

Monica said, "Chandler, people say that YOU are too girly. However, I would be open to redecorating so it suits you better. Anyway, you have another problem; Joey."

Chandler said, "Let's rip this band-aid off, and tell him right now." They went across to the guys' apartment. Joey was watching television. Chandler sat in his recliner, and Monica sat on the arm. Chandler said, "Joey, Monica and I are going to live together in her apartment. I'll be moving out of here."

Joey was dismayed, "I was afraid of this. When?"

Chandler said, "We're not sure, yet, but within two months. I will make sure that you don't miss your rent payments while you look for a roommate. I wanted to tell you as soon as possible. You can look for a roommate starting now, Joey. If you find one soon, I can live at Monica and Rachel's until everyone else is ready to move."

"I'm happy you guys are moving in together. That's a big step. Say, does this mean Rachel is moving in with Ross?"

"Yes, into a two-bedroom in his building."

Monica and Chandler returned to her apartment to talk. She asked, "What would you want to do with the spare bedroom? I guess it's between guest room and office."

"I would love an office. It's big enough for each of us to have a desk."

Monica said, "Ooooh, yeah. I've been thinking..."

"Words I dread to hear."

"I've been thinking we could put a queen-size Murphy bed in there, if we share a large desk or table. Best of both worlds."

"That would be acceptable."

There was no moving day. It was more of a moving festival. First, they moved Ross upstairs to the two-bedroom. That was a lot of stuff, but at least he was moving into a larger unit. Then, they moved Rachel into the new apartment. The good thing was that almost all of the kitchen stuff belonged to Monica, so there was little duplication with Ross's kitchen stuff. They had Goodwill pick up most of Rachel's furniture because Ross's was so much better, and her stuff would not suit the guest room.

Finally, the easiest move, by far, was moving Chandler across the hall. He had minimal furniture, it was right across the hall, and the apartment he was moving into had an empty bedroom that could accommodate his meager belongings.

Even though the two couples had each spent a lot of time, mostly weekends, living as couples in the same place, there were some adjustments to be made. Ross was a neatnik. He was not the compulsive cleaner that Monica was; he prevented messes in preference to cleaning them up. Rachel was a slob compared to Ross. She threw clothing on the floor and left it there until she wanted to wear it again. She left a terrible clutter on the bathroom counter. Rachel did not, in Ross's opinion, know the correct way to do laundry.

Chandler and Monica had an easier transition. Monica was a control freak. Every relationship she had, romantic, personal, professional or otherwise, she ruled with an iron fist. Chandler had long since ceded his control and decision-making powers to Monica as a condition for being with her.

Monica removed some of the frills and lace from the soft furnishings. Instead of maintaining the dining table with flatware and china always on display, she left it bare, except for a conservative centerpiece, for a more mature, gender-neutral look. Monica happily got more gender-neutral bed linens. She saw the new linens as a symbol of her new life as part of a couple. Redecorating came fairly easily to Monica because it entailed shopping.

Monica was a notorious clean freak. Chandler knew her well enough to know that he would have to be diligent.

After a week of co-habitation, Monica and Rachel compared notes. Rachel stopped by the old apartment. For the first time, Rachel rang the doorbell instead of letting herself in. Monica was surprised to see Rachel when she opened the door. They hugged warmly. Monica said, "Oh, I've missed you, Rachel. It's not the same without you around."

Rachel cried, "I've missed you, too, sweetie." She held her arms out, spun around, drank in the apartment, and said, "Oh, I've missed this place, too!"

"How's the new place?"

"I can't lie, Mon, it's wonderful. It's just not here, with you." They hugged again. "How are things going with Chandler?"

Monica sighed, "Rachel, how can a grown man throw clothes into the hamper and miss!?" Rachel broke a huge smile. "All in all, it's been great. He's working to make it work. We both are."

"Count your blessings, Monica. Ross is dealing with me. We had a big argument over laundry, ourselves. Ross quotes the owner's manual for the washer and dryer from memory. He's at the end of his rope. It'll work. We're both trying. Ross is having trouble letting go. He acts as if the apartment is his, and his alone."

"He's living with the love of his life, Rachel. He'll survive."

Rachel said, "What's really weird is spending nights there without sex. When we were just spending weekends together, we hardly ever didn't have sex. Going to bed, saying good night, and rolling over to sleep seems, I don't know, impersonal? Distant?"

"I understand what you mean, but we've been okay about that. I'm afraid that Chandler and I are headed for a fight about the guest room/office. He wants it to be more of a man cave, and I want it to be more of a guest room. My goal would be to have like a cute B&B room for guests. He wants it masculine."

Rachel said, carefully, "Monica, honey, if you let it be his man cave, it will still be the only room that is his, not yours."

Monica pouted, "Rachel, I'm going to have to ask you to leave." They laughed. "Oh, Rach, I can't have a man cave in my home! Why can't Chandler just let me do the decorating?"

"And everything else?"

"Yes, naturally."

Rache said, "Well, you guys will get used to each other. Just think, he's an equal partner in your relationship. Has he been equal in the decision-making?"

Monica paused, pursed her lips, and said, "I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!" They laughed. "Rats! You're right, of course. Oh, why can't I just be in charge of the whole world? What a paradise that would be!" Rachel had a mental image of a faceless populace, wearing uniforms with a large "M" emblazoned on them, marching in perfect rows.

Rachel said, "I was going to ask how your love life is going, but I notice you are up to twelve. Well done, you two!" Rachel waved to the small whiteboard.

"The lovemaking had been, well, lovemaking. We're falling deeper in love, Rachel. I can't wait to have kids."

Rachel cringed, "That's one open item Ross and I have. I don't want kids, and he might want them."

"I'll be honest with you, Rachel. I always thought Ross would have children."

"Oh, Monica, this could be a deal-breaker. I can't bear the thought."

Monica hugged Rachel in sympathy, "Well, you can't get engaged until you're on the same page about that. I mean, an unbreakable commitment, a promise. You both have to be sure."

Rachel felt that she had made a mistake moving in with Ross without having the subject of children nailed down. What if they had differed? Would she have moved in? Here were two people, committed to spending the remainder of their lives together, who had never discussed, much less resolved, the biggest issue in human existence. Rachel was determined to broach the subject, and at least get the discussion started.

One night, after dinner, when they had both unwound a bit from work, Rachel said, "I want to talk about something, Ross."

Ross whined, "Please, no laundry talk, not tonight."

"No. No laundry talk." She scooted closer to him on the couch and held his hand. "I want to start the dialogue about children."

Ross looked excited, "Are you saying you think it's time to have kids?"

"No! No, no, no! And I don't mean no to children, I mean no to this being the time to start having them. I didn't mean to get your hopes up."

"Oh, that's okay. It would have been flattering, but this is clearly not the time."

Rachel began, "I have this fear, Ross, that we may have rushed into cohabitating before we reached agreement on a family. We need to talk about it. It's not a one-hour discussion, either. I just want to introduce the topic tonight."

Ross said, "Yes, that's more reasonable. Who should start?"

"If I had to make the irrevocable choice at this moment, right here, I would choose not to have children."

Ross said, "I would be on the fence. I am very glad we don't have to make such a choice now. Also, I disagree that we put off the discussion too long. In fact, I think we should put it off still longer. I think living together for a few months will give us more clarity."

"That would be great. I hope you're right. Let's live our lives, and revisit this in a few months."

Joey's roommate search was difficult for him. He had not wanted Chandler to move out. He couldn't afford an apartment of his own. His first inclination was to get a beautiful woman as a roommate. He envisioned an as-needed relationship, in which he would continue his womanizing lifestyle and bang his roommate during periods of drought or boredom. Sort of a roommates-with-benefits arrangement. Chandler and Ross disabused him of that fantasy. They explained that he would then have an ex-lover living with him full time. That perspective horrified Joey, who preferred the convenience of discarding lovers without consequence.

Joey put notices on the bulletin boards, both real and virtual, that New Yorkers customarily used to find roommates. Chandler drafted the specifications. Joey would have merely listed the demographic groups he couldn't accept, such as Jesus freaks, nerds, people older than him, people younger than him, gym rats, teetotalers, and so on. After a series of arduous and unproductive interviews, Joey finally approved of a 30-year-old construction worker. He drank beer, loved football, and was fiercely heterosexual.