Getting My 'What If' Answer

I returned to see Erin standing in the middle of the living room, hands covering her face, silently sobbing. I went and stood beside her, watching her quietly for a moment before gently tapping her on the arm.

"I'm sorry," she said through her tears. "This is so overwhelming."

"Don't be sorry. Things will work out." I tried to be reassuring, not knowing what exactly her worry was about.

She looked up at me, finally. I gingerly reached out and touched her arm. Erin put her head down and stepped into me. I pulled her in close and guided her to the couch. We sat together in silence for quite a while with her head on my shoulder. I listened as her breathing became deeper and more drawn out. She let out the occasional deep sigh.

Eventually, she pulled away and sat up. "I'm sorry Lucas. Today was just a terrible day. My dickhead boss is angry about all the time I am missing and chewed me out royally for it in front of everyone. My head is throbbing. I'm in pain. I feel even worse than I did at the wedding that day. Plus, that drive is so, so long."

She paused to wipe her nose on her sleeve. "I'm stressed about money, I'm stressed about the treatments, and to top it all off, I ran into Steve and his new little hussy at the grocery store last night."

"Ouch," I said sympathetically. "How did that go?"

"Oh, he pretended not to see me," she said, her tone turning harsher, "but all of a sudden he was holding her from behind, and kissing her neck, and making her giggle in the middle of the produce section for no damn reason at all."

I patted her head softly. "That had to suck."

"It really did. I still need to go take his damn name off of mine." She leaned her head back and closed her eyes. I saw a tear run down her cheek. I could tell she was emotionally spent. I stood and took her by the hand, gently pulling her to her feet. Wordlessly, she let me lead her down the hallway to the spare bedroom. I leaned in and kissed the top of her head before I closed her door behind me.

When I woke the next morning, I could hear Erin milling about. I pulled on a t-shirt and a pair of gym shorts. Erin was in the kitchen, sipping on some coffee.

"I hope you don't mind; I scrambled some eggs. I have to up my protein intake for these treatments." She sounded in a much better mental state than she had been the night before.

"Absolutely. Please, make yourself at home. Anything you need while you're here." I think I sounded a bit too eager again, but Erin didn't react.

"Thanks," she said with a sigh. "I'm about to head out. I need to be there by seven o'clock."

I looked at her, trying not to show the concern I felt. "You sure you'll feel up driving back here after you're done?"

"No, but I'll be alright." I guess my disapproval showed. "If I can't, I can take an Uber." She stared at me and sighed. "Or I'll let you know."

"Thanks," I said sheepishly. She had read my mind.

She gave me a stern look, then raised an eyebrow. "You know, I'm not some helpless waif you need to make a fuss over and dote on."

"Okay, okay, I get it." I put my palms up and took a step back.

Erin filled a travel cup with coffee and patted me on the shoulder. "I'll be alright Lucas," she said softly, walking past me. She turned back and smiled weakly at me. "But thank you." With that, she was out the door.

I showered, shaved, and headed to the office. Erin crossed my mind a couple of times during the day, but they were only fleeting thoughts, as my time became filled with clients, reports, and phone calls.

Shortly after lunch, my phone went off. My camera notification told me someone was standing on the front porch. I recognized Erin's hoodie. I unlocked the door through the app and spoke to her via the doorbell camera.

"I'm so sorry, I forgot to give you the alarm codes. I've unlocked the door for you."

I saw her nod her head as she opened the front door. I got a few more notifications in the next few minutes, indicating Erin had gone outside once or twice before lying down to rest. I locked the doors and texted her an alarm code.

I came home to a quiet, dark house. I knew she had said she needed a lot of rest after the treatment sessions, but I didn't really know what to expect. I was as quiet as possible going to my bedroom to change clothes, then tried not to make too much noise in the kitchen making dinner.

I sat down to eat some chicken and pasta in silence. I wanted to check in on Erin, but I also didn't want to disturb her, or be overbearing either. I piled the leftovers on a plate and put it in the fridge in case she woke up hungry.

Normally, I'd have flipped on the big TV in the living room and found a ballgame or something to watch to unwind, but that night, I went straight to my room to watch TV quietly instead.

I heard the bathroom door open a few hours later. I sent her a text telling her about the leftovers in the fridge. Her reply was a thumbs up emoji, which didn't really answer any of my questions.

I woke up the next morning to a quiet house. Selfishly, I was a little disappointed to not see Erin again before she had to leave, but I reminded myself she had said she needed a lot of recovery time before she would feel up to driving home.

It was well after twelve noon when Erin finally messaged me. She thanked me for the leftovers; she had woken up hungry. She was heading out and would be back again later the following night. I heard my camera notification go off twenty or so minutes later, meaning Erin had left the house and was on her way back.

I checked in with Erin early on Thursday to see how she was feeling. Her reply was that she felt tired, but better. She was going to work for a while, then would be heading to my place. That was good news.

She arrived Thursday night later than I expected, but in better spirits. We sat and caught up a little before she had to go to bed. She mentioned she hadn't yet told her parents about her diagnosis.

"They deserve to know," I said quietly.

"I know," Erin sighed, "but it's such a hard thing to write in an email. I want to be able to see their faces and try to reassure them." She sipped on some tea and looked off into the distance.

"I know you'll want to get back home," I began as we both stood up, "but would you want to go somewhere and have dinner or something on Saturday before you leave?"

"I don't know, Lucas," she said quietly. "Let me see how I feel. I do need to get back and do some work this weekend."

"I understand." I tried not to let any disappointment show in my voice or face.

She gave me a great big hug and thanked me for everything I was doing for her. I didn't want her to ever let go. I saw her off to the clinic Friday morning, then spent that night in a quiet, dark house again, making sure she got some rest.

Saturday, Erin did not get out of bed until almost three o'clock. I knew not to even ask her about going out. I made her some soup and a couple of ham sandwiches.

I studied her face while she sat and ate in silence. The disease and the treatments were combining to take a real toll on my friend. It hurt me to see it. Given how rough she looked despite how strong I knew she was, I could not imagine what she was going through on the inside.

Erin was showered and out the door an hour later. She hugged me on her way out, and lingered just a little longer than normal. I offered to let her stay and rest up some more, but she insisted she needed to get home and get some work done to hopefully keep her jerk of a boss off her butt.

We went through a similar routine for a couple of weeks. I would get to see and talk with her for a half hour or so Monday and Thursday when she arrived, and maybe a little interaction on Saturday before she left. On one Saturday she left early to go visit Brenda before heading home.

Other than that, while she was at my place, Erin slept a lot. I always tried to make sure there was something for her to eat before she left for home. Her doctors said she was showing signs of improvement, but I couldn't see it in her face or body language.

A couple of Saturdays later, we had a quiet conversation on the couch as we ate some tacos and rice. She mentioned hearing my phone go off when I had gone outside to check the mailbox.

"Are there motion detectors on the cameras?"

"Yes, I have them on the front and back doors," I said.

"Interesting. How often do you look at your cameras?"

"It depends. Normally, I check every time there's a motion notification, especially if I'm waiting for a delivery or something."

Erin smiled as she sipped some hot tea. "Even when I'm here?" she asked innocently.

I smiled at her. "The first couple of times you stayed over, I checked out of habit, but not anymore. I still get the notifications, but I don't bother with them on the days I know you're here."

"Do you get a lot of people knocking at the door?" she wondered.

"Not really. Like I said, the occasional package delivery here and there. A few months back, the neighbor's dog jumped the back fence, and I watched him chasing squirrels around the tree in the backyard. I called them and they came over and got him."

"Oh. Do they have a key?" She sounded a little taken aback.

"No," I assured her. "I unlocked the door remotely and let them in through the house."

Erin visibly relaxed. "That's neat. I'd be interested in something like that for my place."

I showed her the app and the various camera settings I had for the front and back door views. She liked the setup, so I sent her a link for the equipment I had installed, and offered to set hers up when she got them.

She finished her brunch and went to get ready to head back out. "Thanks for everything, Lucas," she said. "I'm lucky to have you." She put her arms around me, and once again, I held her close for as long as she would allow.

"You know, you're welcome here anytime," I said, kissing the top of her head.

"I know," she smiled at me weakly. "Still, I do appreciate it. Thank you."

And then she was gone again.

A couple of weeks afterwards, Erin arrived on Monday much earlier than usual. I was still at work when my phone went off. I looked at the camera and saw her carrying her bag in and waving at the camera.

She sent me a text moments later. 'I got here early today... but I bet you knew that already lol'

I replied with a smile emoji and went back to work. When I arrived home, Erin greeted me with a big, sparkling smile. She was in the kitchen, cooking.

"I figured I'd make us dinner instead of you ordering in again," she said, stirring a boiling pot of what looked to be potatoes.

"No arguments here," I replied, dropping my laptop bag in a chair.

I leaned against the counter and watched as she mixed the softened potatoes with some milk, butter, and chives and then seasoned it all up. Her voice was full, and she sounded more like the Erin of old.

"You seem better today," I observed.

"A little," she replied. "My head and neck are still hurting, but I got some good news at work this morning that has really helped my mood."

"Oh really?"

"Yes. My boss -- the one that's been giving me so much grief -- resigned out of the blue this morning."

"That is good news." As I watched her move about the kitchen, I was reminded of how beautiful she truly was.

"If they move his longtime assistant up to his job like I hope, I'll be very happy." Erin put some dishes in the sink. "She will be much more likely to let me work from home more often during my treatments."

"That would be fantastic for you."

"Yes. It will be a huge load off my shoulders. The doctors have been telling me that lowering my stress levels will improve the effectiveness of this therapy." Erin carried a couple of side dishes to the table as she spoke.

"Naturally. Stress makes everything worse." I grabbed a couple of glasses and the bottle of wine that was on the counter.

"It really does," she smiled at me. "Let me check on the pork chops. They should be about ready."

We sat at the dining room table and ate. Erin was excited about work for once. Her eyes danced about as she spoke. It was good to see her in such great spirits. It had been quite a while since I had seen any kind of spark in her.

Erin took a sip of wine and spoke up out of the blue. "I left you a little gift." She was blushing all of a sudden.

"You didn't have to do that," I said instinctively.

"I know, but you've been so helpful and accommodating." Her eyes met mine and she smiled.

"That's what friends do for each other."

"True." She winked at me and offered a sly grin. "It isn't much, but when you find it, I hope you like it."

After dinner was done and the table cleared, I looked around the house a few times, even venturing out to the backyard and garage just in case. I didn't see anything obvious -- nothing new or out of place, and no indication that something had been moved or added.

Erin eyed me a couple of times and giggled. "You'll find it eventually. It's in plain sight."

That only confused me more. There were only so many places to look, and her non-hint was, quite appropriately, unhelpful. Eventually, I gave up, deciding to scour the house after she was gone.

We settled in on the couch together and watched a couple of old movies before bedtime. We started on opposite ends, legs stretched out and relaxed. Returning from a trip to the kitchen between films, Erin laid down, that time with her head in my lap. I ran my hands through her hair absent-mindedly. She was predictably asleep before the show ended.

I rousted her gently and pulled her to her feet. She smiled sleepily at me and paddled off to bed. As I was stripping down to get into my own bed, I got a text from her. 'Thanks for the best night I've had in quite a while.'

I replied with a smiley face and was off to sleep shortly after.

As usual, she was out the door early Tuesday, heading to the clinic. I didn't see her again until she came back on Thursday night. She was very sullen and quiet as she walked into the house that evening. Her eyes were puffy, and I knew she had been crying on the drive in. I tried to ask what was wrong, but she was not responsive to me at all.

It was an uncomfortably quiet night in the house. I couldn't get her to talk, nor eat. All she did was sit curled up in the recliner, staring at the walls. I didn't know what else to do but sit in silence nearby.

Erin stood up wordlessly to head to bed. I pulled her in for a quick hug and whispered that if she needed me, I'd be here.

I was almost asleep when my phone went off. Erin was asking me if we could talk. I had no more that pressed send on my reply than she was opening my bedroom door. She was wearing some pajama shorts and a half-shirt. She sat on the edge of my bed quietly. I moved to sit beside her, clad in just my boxers, although that was the last thing on my mind at the time. She leaned into me, silently sobbing.

I did the only thing I could think of doing. I put my arms around my friend and held her close to me. I could feel the wetness from her tears on my bare skin.

After some time, she pulled away and tried to wipe her eyes. "I'm sorry. I just don't know what I'm going to do."

"About what?" I stupidly asked.

"Everything!" she cried out.

"Talk to me, Erin. What's going on?"

She took a deep breath. "Remember I told you my old boss had resigned?"

"Just the other day, yeah."

"Well, it turns out, he was warned ahead of time by the owners." She sniffed loudly and sighed. "They sold the company. They're shutting down the entire office and laid all of us off today." She was crying again.

I rested my chin on her head. "That's terrible. I am so sorry, Erin."

"I don't know what I'm going to do. I just signed the lease on my place a couple months ago."

"You're brilliant. You'll find something better soon. I know it." I tried to reassure her.

"That's not the worst thing. I'm going to lose my health insurance." She cried.

"What?" I felt a surge of anger.

"End of the week. Tomorrow is the last day I'm covered." Her voice was quiet and sad.

"Don't you have the option to keep the policy going?" I asked, trying to remember the boring presentations I'd been through when our company changed providers a couple of years back.

"I could, but there's no way I can afford it. The monthly premium is more than twice the rent on my place."

"Jesus, Erin. I don't know what to say."

"I feel so helpless right now. I don't know what I'm going to do about any of this."

"It will all work out. I promise."

"How?" She cried louder, tears running down her cheeks.

"I don't really know right now," I confessed. "But you've got me, you've got Brenda. You have friends here that will help you."

"There's no point of driving here all the time if I'm not going to treatment."

"There are more job opportunities here in the city than other places," I argued.

"I don't have the energy to move. And I have a life there." She stopped to blow her nose. "Or at least, I used to."

"You don't have to have all the answers tonight. Get some sleep. Go to your treatment tomorrow. Come Saturday, once you're rested up some, we can figure things out."

She nodded feebly and then looked up at me. I had never seen her look so vulnerable before. The glow was missing from her eyes. There was no smile. She was pale and trembling. I was truly worried.

We sat in silence for a long time. I listened to her cry softly and breathe deeply. She needed rest. The next day was going to be tough on her. I lifted her to her feet and gently walked her down the hall. I kissed her forehead and settled her back into her bed.

I tossed and turned fitfully throughout the night. I woke up early to find Erin still at the house, getting ready to leave. I was pouring some orange juice in a glass when she hugged me tightly from behind.

"Thanks for listening last night. I needed someone to talk to."

I turned to see a weak smile. "That's what I'm here for, Erin. I just want you to be happy and healthy."

"I know you do. Speaking of, I'm off to the clinic. See you tomorrow." She squeezed me again then went out the door.

I was preoccupied the rest of the day. Even simple tasks and duties confounded me.

Erin had been one of my closest friends for more than half my life. I thought about her having to stop her treatments and what that meant: she might not be in my life anymore. That thought crushed me. I wracked my brain, trying to think of something more I could for her.

And then, I had the idea. I made some phone calls, then took the rest of the day off.

I rose early on Saturday and did some normal cleaning. I kept an eye out for that mysterious gift Erin had said she'd left 'in plain sight.' I did some laundry, then swept and mopped the floors, keeping myself busy until Erin was up and awake.

Erin emerged from her room well after two o'clock. She still looked exhausted, but she gave me a weak smile as she sat in the dining room with a bowl of cereal.

I took a seat across from her and looked her in the eyes. "I know you just woke up," I began slowly, "but I have a couple of ideas for you."

"Me too," she said. "I took my laptop yesterday and worked on my resume before I got too tired. I found a lead on a job. If I can get something soon, I would only miss a couple of months of treatments before I could get back on insurance. Most companies only make you wait ninety days."

She sounded a little more upbeat, and normally, I'd have been pleased with that. But her ideas still involved her going untreated for months on end.

"That sounds great," I said, "but I have a different idea." I took a deep breath before I continued. "I really hate that you have had to do all that driving back and forth. Now that there's no job there, and the relationship you moved there in the first place for is gone, I think you deserve a fresh, clean start."