Getting My 'What If' Answer

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. All persons depicted in sexual acts are at least 18 years of age and consenting adults.

I owe a massive debt of gratitude to Neuroparenthetical for taking my word salad and editing it into a coherent story.

I also would also like to extend a hearty a tip of the hat to DJMac1031 and AnnabelleBrito for Beta reading and letting me bounce ideas off of them.

Warning: Before we begin. This story is very much a slow burn. If you are looking for some instant gratification, you might want to save this for later. There is a lot of plot and detail to get through before the fun stuff begins. The first scene of any sexual nature is occurs around the halfway point. Please be patient

Don't get me wrong, I want you to read and enjoy it. I am very proud of this story. I fell in love with the characters as I was writing them. I think it is well worth your time, but if you don't have the patience for that, save yourself the frustration and read something else right now.

-

"Lucas! There you are!" I heard the familiar voice from across the lawn.

I turned around and quickly found her, hand raised high in the air, waving me over. I strode across the nicely manicured grass to where she was standing, not too far from the door to the wedding venue.

As I got closer, the beautiful blonde woman put her arms out. She soon wrapped them around my neck and squeezed while she pressed her sexy figure into me. I closed my eyes and held her just as tightly as I could, savoring every sensation imparted by her full, warm embrace. I felt her breathe deeply, letting out a contented sigh. She had always given the best hugs, from the very first time I had met her.

She pulled back, her hands fidgeting with the lapel of my grey suit. She smiled at me, and I melted inside just a little. "You clean up nicely, handsome guy." she mused, straightening my tie.

I took in her tanned skin and round, lightly freckled face. I couldn't help but admire her body. Her form-fitting, pastel-blue dress was putting both her full bust and sexy hips on display. I also spared a glance for her toned legs, jutting out from underneath.

"You look amazing as always," I told her truthfully. She blushed slightly, her eyes gazing directly into mine, sending shivers down my spine. I was temporarily taken back thirty years to our high school days, when her eyes would captivate me and push every other thought from my mind.

xxxxx

Erin and I first met just as we became teenagers. Her family moved in a few blocks from my house. My parents invited her family to swim with us a few weeks later, and my life changed for the better.

Our parents became fast friends, and the Carters and the Franklins would spend the next several years getting together for nearly every holiday, summer cookout, and impromptu pool party.

Erin hugged me the first time we met -- and not the sideways, arm-around-the-shoulders hug one might expect from awkward kids our age. Even as teenagers, she would put her arms around my neck, lay her head on my shoulders, and press her entire body against mine fully. I never tired of her embrace.

Even back then, Erin was attractive, with a bubbly personality to match those sparkling blue eyes and effervescent smile. She was instantly popular, especially with the teenage boys at school. Everyone wanted a chance with her -- me included.

As we got older, Erin blossomed beyond the cute blonde girl. She grew into a well-developed and sexy creature, with gloriously round and full breasts, sexy and toned legs, and a nicely shaped ass to round things out. She captivated the senses and turned every head. She was the classic pin-up bombshell, not to mention sweet and nice -- seemingly friends with everyone. I counted my lucky stars to get to spend any amount of time with her.

I followed her around like a lost puppy at times, not having the social skills to know how it must have looked. As we got older, I felt like I faded into her social background. To Erin's credit, she still greeted me with hugs, spoke to me in the hallways, and went out of her way to sit beside me in our shared classes. I was head over heels in love with Erin, or so I thought at the time.

xxxxx

Erin and I stood and caught up for a few minutes. We hadn't seen each other in person for just over a year. Thanks to digital communication and the social media age, however, we stayed in touch. She lived several hundred miles away from our hometown, so all I had seen of her in a long while were her daily selfies and some vacation pictures.

She was hoping to talk to her parents soon. Erin's parents, Paul and Debbie, moved to Florida not long after Erin married her first husband. In recent years, they had gotten heavily involved in a Christian mission group. They'd been to both the Philippines and Myanmar in the last year and a half, helping to build houses and churches in remote villages.

The locations they went to were typically very remote and impoverished. It wasn't unusual for them to only have email access once or twice a month, and their phone access was just as limited.

As she talked, I studied her face. She was still beautiful to me, but there was a hint of something different there. I couldn't put my finger on it, but something with her seemed a little off. Her eyes showed concern. Her smile, while still gorgeous, was not quite right. I thought that perhaps she was tired or stressed.

"Are you okay?" I asked quietly as we found a couple of plastic chairs to sit in. "You seem a little off."

Her shoulders slumped slightly, and she sighed. "No, not really. I've been really tired lately. Can we talk about this later?" Her eyes were locked on mine as she asked. "I don't want to ruin Belinda's big day."

I didn't like her answer at all. Brenda had been one of Erin's closest friends in high school and through college. Her daughter Belinda's wedding was the reason Erin had driven back that weekend. I was there because Brenda's fiancé, a nice young man named Tim, was a junior clerk in my office. We may have grown up in a big city, but we were still part of a pretty tight-knit neighborhood.

"Sure," I said quietly. Erin gave me a smile and patted my hand.

We were joined off and on by other old friends and acquaintances, filling the rest of the hour with smiles and laughter before the ceremony began. We found seats together to watch the union of the two young people. Erin sat beside me and dabbed at her eyes as the vows were exchanged. I tried not to think about my own marriage -- I tried, but failed.

Shelly and I had first met fifteen years ago during a couple of business functions we'd both attended. I'd been drawn in by her outgoing personality. She had been married before and had had children with her ex-husband. Her life had already been complicated, but I'd nevertheless grown to feel like she'd had room enough for me in it, and, even better, had wanted me in it.

Shelly and I were married within a few months. We both were in our early thirties at the time. Shelly had been my opposite in many ways: loud and vibrant, the life of every party. I'd still been quiet and reserved -- maybe not a lost puppy anymore, but certainly not an extrovert.

I'd lost her in an auto accident four years ago. Erin had been a huge help to me in the aftermath, making sure that I'd gotten out of bed and off to work in the mornings, and ensuring that I was fed regularly.

I patted Erin's knee lightly, and she squeezed my arm. She had divorced for the second time about six months prior. We'd talked nearly every day during the fallout, just as we had ten years earlier when her first marriage had blown up.

She had admitted to me not too long ago that she was so frustrated that she hadn't gotten around to changing her last name since the divorce. She had taken the breakup very hard -- seemingly even worse than the previous one.

I knew her feelings were still kind of raw, and weddings have a way of stirring up crazy emotions in people.

The ceremony ended and we headed into the reception hall. Toasts were made and cake was consumed. I convinced Erin to dance with me a few times. Her body language was still not right, even though she tried her best to cover it up with that amazing smile.

Otherwise, she sat beside me the rest of the evening. We chatted and reminisced with old friends, posed for pictures with the happy couple, and, on the surface, seemed to have a good time. As the crowd started to thin out, she asked me to take a walk with her around the venue grounds.

"You've always had this way of looking right into my soul, Lucas," she teased. "I can't hide anything from you." We stopped along a fence line away from the rest of the party.

"Yeah, well, we've both been through a lot over the years," I said, not liking the vibe she was giving me.

"I got some news the other day." She sighed and took a deep breath. "I really haven't been feeling well for a few months now, so I went to see my doctor. They sent me to see some specialists." She paused, looking up at me, her eyes starting to glisten with moisture. "I have a malignant tumor in my brain stem and another behind my eye."

I felt the air leave my lungs. I couldn't think straight. I felt myself tense up. Erin grabbed my arm and sighed again.

"The one in the base of my brain is the problem. They say it is in a spot where they can't just go in remove it. We could try some chemotherapy, but even with that, my odds of survival aren't very good." She leaned into my chest, and I held her close.

"How... how long...?" I stammered.

"A couple of months maybe," she cried softly, a few tears running down her cheek. "There is this experimental protein and enzyme replacement therapy they want to try that, along with some radiation treatment, gives me the best odds of beating this thing." She exhaled and squeezed my hand.

I stumbled through my words, still processing it all. "Okay, how does that work?"

"I don't really understand it, but basically, they hook me up to some machines a couple of days a week and run some stuff through an IV. It isn't painful, but they warned me the side effects can be really powerful."

I pulled her in close and held her as tightly as I ever had -- tighter than I'd hugged her after graduation, tighter than when my parents had passed away, and tighter than at Shelly's funeral.

I felt her crying into my chest. I pulled back, not wanting to upset her further. I knew it was hard enough on her.

"I'm so sorry, Erin," I said quietly.

She nodded and took a couple of deep breaths. "Well, the good news is you'll get to see me more often. The clinic developing the treatment is here in San Antonio."

"Oh wow." I was taken aback for a moment. "That's going to be a lot of driving back and forth for you to do." The logical side of my brain came out.

"Yeah, it will be. I'll have treatment twice a week. I'll need to be at the clinic at seven o'clock each morning, so I will need to drive into town the night before. Sessions last six hours. I will get a hotel room and sleep it off the rest of the night so I can drive back and go to work the next day. "

That seemed like an insane schedule. "You can miss that much work?" I wondered.

She shrugged. "I don't really have a choice. I can do some work remotely from home."

I closed my eyes for a moment. My head was swimming, trying to process everything at once. I looked down into her eyes, trying to keep my composure. Erin seemed to sense my struggle.

"I'll be alright, Lucas. The doctors have a good plan."

There she was, trying to reassure me. Another thought flashed through my mind.

"All that driving is going to be expensive."

Erin nodded. "Luckily, Steve insisted on us buying one of those part-electric cars before he left me. I got to keep it after we split."

"Even still, that plus two nights in a hotel every week? That will add up fast."

"I don't have a choice," she said with a shrug. "It's what I have to do in order to beat this thing."

"I know. That's not what I'm saying. Save yourself a little money and skip the hotel, you're welcome to stay with me whenever you're in town."

"Lucas, I couldn't ask you to put me up like that so often." She sounded resigned.

"It's not a big deal, Erin," I insisted. "I have plenty of room at my place. Shelly's gone, and the girls moved out years ago. I have two empty bedrooms just sitting there, collecting dust. We've been friends for three decades now. I want to be able to help out somehow."

She hugged me again. "I'll think about it," she said as she pulled away.

We had made the full circuit of the grounds and found ourselves nearly alone just outside the main building. Brenda found us there with some of the last guests.

"There you are, girl," she said. "Are you coming back to the house again tonight?"

Erin sighed and squeezed her friend's hand. "I want to, but I haven't been feeling well lately. I was thinking about driving back home tonight so I can rest up tomorrow before work."

"Aww, I hate that, but I understand, honey. I wish we'd gotten more time together this weekend, but things have been crazy around here." Brenda hugged Erin's neck.

"Me too," Erin said. "I'll be coming back to town again sooner rather than later though." She pulled away from Brenda. "I'll text you tomorrow."

I thanked Brenda for the hospitality, and she shook my hand. She and I were friendly, but not all that close, despite our shared connections with Erin.

I walked Erin out to the parking lot. She stopped near a small, newer-model hybrid car.

"Really, driving that far this late at night is a bad idea, especially if you don't feel well." I wasn't trying to lecture her, but it had sure sounded that way coming out of my mouth.

"I know, I know," she sighed. "I love Brenda to death, but her place is always chaotic. I need some peace and quiet, and most importantly, some rest. I have to go to work first thing Monday morning."

"I can't convince you to stay with me tonight, can I?" I pleaded with her.

She shook her head slowly. "No, but I appreciate you trying. I'm a big girl, Lucas. I'll be alright. I promise you."

Erin hugged me one more time. I closed my eyes and held onto her as long as she would allow me to. I implored her to let me know when she was home safe. She nodded and gave me one last sparkling smile before she slid into her car and drove off.

I went home and tried to sleep, fitfully tossing and turning most of the night. My phone went off around two thirty in the morning. Erin's text said she was home and in bed. I put my phone on my chest and fell back asleep, reminiscing about her in happier times.

xxxxx

I was Erin's opposite back in school. Where she was attractive, bubbly, and popular, I was scrawny, reclusive, and shy. I was small for my age. I didn't go through my final growth spurt and fill out physically until several months after my nineteenth birthday.

By then, Erin had moved away with a boyfriend to go to school in Florida. Their relationship didn't even last a whole semester. I started to date off and on during college, having finally developed into someone of at least average height and build, now with a little bit of self-confidence.

Erin moved back home, and the two of us hung out all summer long. We saw a movie or had dinner together every weekend. We would go hang out at the lake nearly every other day, whether alone or in a group of friends. Besides her amazing hugs, she was more physical with me as well. A pat on the leg, hand on my shoulder -- casual physical contact that went beyond the average friendship. I felt closer to her than I ever had.

I gathered the courage to ask her out at our families' Fourth of July party. We were sitting alone on the tailgate of her dad's pickup, watching fireworks, and talking like we normally did. Erin had her head leaning on my shoulder. I was about to ask when she blurted out, "I'm so glad that you and I are still such great friends, Lucas." I smiled as genuine a smile as I could muster, knowing exactly what that meant. Her answer would be no. The phrase hadn't been invented yet, but I was friend-zoned.

I moved on eventually, but always, there in the back of my mind, was that 'What if?' Part of me wanted to know the answer. I also knew that getting the answer would entail risking losing her friendship, and to me, being Erin's friend was worth any sacrifice.

I was attracted to her physically; anyone would be. She was beautiful, alluring, sexy, gorgeous, and, in my eyes, perfect. Yet, there was more to her than that. She was genuinely sweet and nice to basically everyone. She was caring, empathetic, and thoughtful, and none of those traits ever faded.

We had stretches where we didn't talk as often. Her first husband absolutely hated me. He saw me as a threat and did everything in his power to estrange us from one another. It worked to a point, but she eventually came around and left his manipulative ass.

Shelly wasn't sure about Erin at first either, but Erin won her over, too. She stepped up and looked after the twins (my then-teenage stepdaughters, Amanda and Emily), when Shelly was bedridden with double pneumonia and the flu, all while I was stuck at a conference in Seattle for a full week.

Erin came by every day. She cooked dinner, made sure the twins got off to school on time, and did laundry for the entire week when Shelly couldn't manage it.

Everyone loved Erin. I certainly always had. I think deep down she loved me too, although we never said it to one another.

xxxxx

After Belinda's wedding, I checked in on Erin more often then I usually did. What was normally a couple of texts a week became a couple a day. She was starting her treatment on Tuesday and would be living an insane schedule.

She had to drive in on Monday evening, then go to the clinic early Tuesday morning. She would rest at the hotel before she drove back Wednesday, heading straight to the office. After one night at home, she had yet another drive to San Antonio on Thursday evening. Off to the clinic again on Friday morning. Drive home on Saturday.

That left her one day a week -- Sunday -- when she didn't have to go to treatment or to drive hundreds of miles one direction or another. I knew she was going to wear herself out quickly doing that, especially being sick.

The first treatment was rough on her. She called me crying Wednesday right before I went to lunch. She was forced to check out of the hotel room before she was really feeling up to driving back. I tried to get her to come to my place and rest, but she stubbornly just drove on home.

I guess I wore her down throughout the week. Early on Sunday afternoon Erin called me, sounding very tired and exhausted.

"Is... is your offer still on the table?" she asked timidly. "You know, could I stay at your place tomorrow night?"

"Of course! Anytime you need." I spoke rapidly, probably sounding way too eager.

"Thank you," she said with a sigh. "I will see you tomorrow, Lucas," She hung up quickly after that.

I sighed in relief. It wasn't much, but I felt a little better knowing I could do something to help her.

I spent the rest of Sunday washing sheets for the spare bedrooms. I dusted everywhere and straightened up the kitchen area as well. I'm not generally a messy person, but dusting wasn't a high priority on my cleaning list. The spare beds hadn't been used in over a year. They'd been out of sight and out of mind for the most part.

On Monday, Erin arrived late in the evening. She looked exhausted, but still adorable in her tight yoga pants and hoodie. Her normally sparkling eyes were very sullen and tired. I took her bags and put them in the larger of the bedrooms.