Getting My 'What If' Answer

"What are you saying, Lucas?" Erin's voice was stern and guarded.

"I'm saying that... I think you should move in here with me. Find a new job and start a new life."

She paused for a moment, "that's sweet of you, Lucas, but I don't know..."

I cut her off. "You wouldn't have to drive so far for treatment, and you have other friends here besides just me."

"I'm not going to be going to treatment for a while," she reminded me sadly.

"Well..." I drew the word out. "That brings me to the second part of this. I have an idea to get you insured and back on your therapy schedule almost immediately."

"How, exactly?" Erin's eyes narrowed.

"We... we get married."

"WHAT?!?" She dropped her spoon. It clanged off the edge of her bowl and fell to the floor.

"I know it sounds insane," I pleaded, talking as fast as I could, "but just hear me out." Her face was not happy. "I can put you on my insurance right away. Marriage is considered a change of life event, and the coverage can start almost immediately. You would only have to miss a session or two. All I need to do is bring them a marriage certificate."

Erin stared at me blankly. I could hear her breathing changing.

"Stay calm. Please don't hyperventilate on me. We can live like roommates, kind of like we have been when you're here. Nothing else need change."

Erin stared at me blankly for quite some time. I tried to smile and look hopeful.

"You want me to marry you?" She spoke slowly and incredulously, shock still showing in her eyes and on her face.

"It would just be for the paperwork. Everything else can stay the same." I kept my eyes on hers. "I just want you to keep fighting this thing. If I can help facilitate that, all the better."

"And in order to fight this, I have to marry you?"

"Well, you're a little old to adopt." I tried to ease the tension with a joke. It didn't work in the least.

"You think this is funny?!?" Erin was nearly screaming. That was less than ideal, I didn't want her to expend so much energy in her state.

"I'm sorry Erin, truly, I am. There aren't any strings attached here. All I am trying to do is to help. If you don't want to do this, I understand." I knew I'd sprung something insane on her, but her reaction still hurt. In fact, it hurt a lot more than I wanted to admit.

"And you thought this was a good idea?" Her voice still echoed her disbelief.

"It makes sense in my head. You get to keep up your treatment, and you don't have to drive back and forth all the time."

"And what do you get?" Her tone was very accusatory.

I looked her in the eyes and tried to speak calmly. "I get to help my friend."

"And that's it?"

"That's it," I echoed. "I don't want to lose you -- and sure, it'd be great to spend more time with you, too, but mostly I want you to get better."

Erin put her head in her hands. My overriding instinct was to go over and try to comfort her, but I remained motionless, seated across from her, not wanting to press the issue or come across the wrong way.

Her response had definitely taken me by surprise. I hadn't expected her to just say yes immediately -- I knew she'd want to think about it a while -- but the vitriol she'd displayed made me question myself and reconsider my motives. I thought about how I had acted around her during her time at my house. Had I come across as overbearing? Perhaps. Had I come on to her at all? I didn't think so, but I scoured my mind, trying to put myself in her shoes.

Erin got up and went into her room without a word. I cleaned up the kitchen to keep busy. She emerged an hour later, bags in hand.

"I'm sorry," I said as I walked her to the door. "I didn't mean to upset or offend you."

"I know you didn't, Lucas. But this is just... it's just too much for me to deal with right now. I need to go. I'm sorry."

She slid out the door without another glance. I felt like the world's biggest jackass.

I didn't text her again that day, although I desperately wanted to. I sent her a message on Sunday, just to see how she was feeling. I didn't expect a reply, but I was still disappointed not to get one.

Monday came and went. Erin didn't come by that evening. I didn't really expect her to. Right around the time she would have normally arrived, I got a phone call. It was from a local phone number that I didn't recognize.

"Hello?"

"Lucas. This is Brenda."

"Oh, hey there. I didn't recognize your number."

"I know. Look. I need to know, what in the hell are you thinking?" Her voice was intense and combative.

"I assume you're talking about Erin."

"Of course I am. What kind of fucked up power play is this supposed to be? She is freaking out about this."

"It isn't anything of the sort. It is a genuine offer."

"And what do you think is going to happen? You think she is going to just fall hopelessly in love with you afterwards?"

I was hurt by the accusation. "What? No. Nothing like that at all."

"Uh-huh. So out of the goodness of your heart, you want to marry her, just like that." Her voice had an echo to it. I was guessing she had put her phone in speaker mode. I wondered if that meant Erin was there with her and listening in.

"Pretty much, yeah," I said matter-of-factly.

"You're an idiot," she said flatly.

"That might be true," I conceded. "Look, Brenda, I'm not trying to live out some sort of romantic fantasy here. This isn't a Hallmark Channel movie script come to life. I don't want anything to change between Erin and I." I exhaled loudly, having spent quite a bit of emotional energy in a short time.

I was greeted with dead silence from the other end of the line. I continued, hoping Erin was indeed listening.

"Erin's been one of my closest friends for decades. I do love her. And I truly believe that she loves me." I took a deep breath. "I also know that I'm not in love with Erin right now. If this was twenty-five years ago, that answer might be different. We've both grown into different people since then. I am under no illusion that she is going to somehow fall in love with me. That's not a part of this idea and never was."

Someone quietly said "Okay" on the other end. It sounded like Erin, but I couldn't be sure, so I continued.

"If she doesn't want to do this, I understand. And I will continue to support her in whatever capacity she will let me. If she wants me to file the paperwork for this, but live somewhere else, that's fine with me. If she doesn't want to get married, she's still welcome to stay at my place any time she needs."

I paused again, taking a deep breath. I heard no words from the other end.

"I wasn't trying to give her an ultimatum. I'm not trying to guilt her into doing anything she doesn't want to. And I hated to bring it up to her so suddenly, but I also knew she was going to need some time to think about it, and the sooner I spoke up, the sooner she could figure out what she wanted."

"What do you want out of this?" Brenda asked quietly. I was certain I heard Erin in the background.

"I want my friend alive, healthy, and happy. That's all I have ever wanted."

More silence. I sat down and took another deep breath. I was almost certain that Erin was listening in, but not a hundred percent, so you might say I took a gamble. I figured it was worth sounding like an idiot to Brenda if she hadn't been.

"Erin, I love you. You were there for me when Shelly died, just like we both have been there for each other through all sorts of trials and tribulations over the years. You were a great friend to me when I needed one. You did things for me without a second thought. I'm trying to do the same for you here. That is what this is about. That is all this is about. You have my word."

Still, there was no reaction on the other end. I was done explaining things. All I could have done was repeat myself.

"I don't know what else to say. Erin, I don't mean to pressure you into anything. Just know that I will be here for you if, and when, you ever need me to be. Good night."

I hung up the phone and sat there in silence for a good hour. I flipped the TV on and watched whatever was on at the time, trying to keep my mind occupied. It didn't help. Mentally, I relived the events of the past couple of days in my mind over and over and over again.

Tuesday, I went to work and tried to live like I had lived for years. I thought about Erin quite often during the day but didn't do anything about it. I was determined to give her space and time and not seem needy or overbearing.

Erin's hybrid was in my driveway when I got home that evening. She was seemingly waiting for me to arrive, as she stepped out of her car as soon as I pulled in.

"Hey," I said, unable to keep the eagerness from my voice. "I'm glad you're here."

She held up her hand, stopping me in my tracks. She still looked worn out. "I am very grateful for everything you've done for me recently -- not just letting me stay here, but all the little things, like making sure I had something to eat every day when I woke up, checking in on me, that kind of thing."

"Of course, I said dismissively. "It was nothing."

"No, it was something," she insisted, "and I appreciate it Lucas. I appreciate you."

I nodded. Erin looked at me directly. She took a deep breath, her shoulders lifting visibly as she did.

After several tense, silent seconds, she softly said, "Yes."

I tilted my head, trying to process the word, wondering simultaneously if I'd heard her right, and if she really meant it.

"So, what happens next?" she asked timidly, breaking my trance.

"Well, I don't really know. Let's go inside and figure it out." I opened the front door, and we sat on opposite ends of my couch.

We had a good, long conversation. I assured her that our arrangement would be nothing more than 'roommates with a legal twist.' I told her she could have both spare bedrooms and use them for whatever she wanted -- a study, an office, a bedroom, a sitting room, whatever would make her comfortable. I wanted her to feel at home. I was prepared to split chores or bills or whatever else might come up.

Then we talked about the mechanics of actually getting married. We both Googled the process. Just as I had assumed, all we needed to do was go to the county courthouse, pay the filing fee to get a marriage license, and then schedule a time with the Justice of the Peace's office to be married. That was basically it.

I called my boss and told him I had a situation to handle and that I would need a day or two off. He asked me if I was alright, and I assured him I was, and that I'd fill him in down the line.

Erin looked at me, her eyes showing hints of the brightness I was used to seeing.

"I'm sorry that I didn't trust you at first," she said with some sadness in her voice.

"It's alright. I know the timing wasn't great, but I didn't feel like it could wait."

Erin sighed deeply. "You know, my life has been a complete mess for a while now. In the past year I've gotten a divorce, been diagnosed with cancer, lost my job and my health insurance. It has been super stressful, and then out of the blue you said wanted to marry me."

She wiped a tear from her cheek. "I felt like you were pulling the rug out from under me. The only stability I had was gone, and I was about to lose you from my life too. I couldn't have handled that. But I knew I couldn't marry anyone, not in the state of mind I've been in lately. I was emotionally overwhelmed and just could not fully process what you were saying. I didn't react very well." Her eyes were still watering. "You didn't deserve that."

"Don't worry about me. You're here now. We will get this marriage on paper this week and get you set back up at the clinic."

She reached out and hugged me. I held her close as she leaned into my chest and took a couple of deep breaths.

"It's been a rough couple of days," I said, standing her up. "Go get some sleep. We'll get this started tomorrow." I walked with her down the hall to her bedroom. She squeezed my neck tightly before closing the door behind her.

The next day, we were both up and ready to go early on. We climbed into my car and took off downtown to get licensed. Erin looked better, with a little glimmer in her eyes, and she smiled more, which was always a good sign.

She stopped singing the song on the radio and looked at me, suddenly smirking. "Did you ever find what I left for you the other day?" she asked.

"No. I've looked all over and haven't found anything."

"Too bad," she giggled.

"You want to clue me in as to what I'm supposed to be looking for?" Her smug reminder had rekindled my curiosity.

"No." She was clearly enjoying herself for some reason.

"I hope it didn't cost you much if it got lost."

She giggled again. "Oh, I can always get you another one."

I parked the car at the courthouse, and we headed inside. Within the hour, I held a marriage license with Erin's and my names on it. I smiled, wondering what fourteen-year-old me would have thought of seeing that sight. We scheduled a time in front of the Justice of the Peace for Friday, and things were set.

On the ride back, Erin asked if Brenda could be there on Friday.

"As long as she isn't there to talk you out of it, I don't mind," I said, not really thrilled with the idea.

Erin sensed my distrust. She put her hand on my arm as I drove. "It's not like that, Lucas. I needed someone to talk with and help me sort through my emotions that day. You know Brenda is like a sister to me."

"I get that, I do," I said, eyes still on the road. "I just get the feeling she isn't my biggest fan."

Erin patted my leg as she spoke. "She was worried about me being vulnerable and you possibly taking advantage of that. She doesn't know you like I do. That's all. By the end of the night, she was all for it, and actually helped talk me into doing this."

That little revelation was a surprise. "I'm sorry. I didn't realize... you can invite anyone you want." I felt like a tool.

I went to work Thursday for a while. Erin drove back home to get most of her clothes and other household things she needed to have on hand. We had agreed that we would go move whatever she wanted from her old place one of the following weekends. Tim agreed to come and give us a hand whenever we needed, since Erin wasn't going to be able to move anything heavy.

Friday arrived. Erin wore a beautiful, flowery dress that accentuated her assets and flowed with her figure as she walked. I was in my grey suit. I know we said it was just a paperwork formality, but it was still a wedding, after all.

Brenda joined us at the courthouse, pulling me aside at one point and thanked me for helping her friend. I put my arm around her shoulders and smiled at Erin, who was beaming at us.

JP ceremonies are pretty short and to the point, so the process didn't take very long. Erin and I stood in front of the magistrate, exchanged vows, said our 'I Do's', and then the justice said those famous words: "You may kiss the bride."

I hesitated. Erin's eyes widened in shock. For all our planning and preparation, neither of us had accounted for that moment. The JP glanced back and forth at us expectantly. I felt my heart beat hard in my chest.

Summoning courage I didn't think I had, I leaned in quickly and kissed Erin. I closed my eyes and pressed my lips to hers for a few seconds before pulling away. As much as I knew that it might freak her out all over again, I couldn't help but think to myself that it felt really, really good to finally kiss her.

xxxxx

Erin and I were in our caps and gowns the first time she kissed me. We were milling about the school auditorium, having just finished our high school graduation and tossed our hats in the air. It wasn't romantic, sensuous, or earth-moving, but it was more than the quick peck on the cheek that I thought I was about to get.

Erin ran up out of the blue and hugged me tightly around the neck, like she often did. She took my face in her hands and put her tender, soft lips on my cheek and kissed it, pressing them firmly into my flesh for several dramatically long seconds. For a young Lucas, still inexperienced and nervous around pretty girls, it was as close to nirvana as he could imagine.

She pulled away and her eyes beamed into mine. "We did it!" she squealed, hugging my neck again and squeezing with all her might before dashing off to celebrate with other friends.

xxxxx

I don't know about sparks or fireworks, but kissing Erin was very natural. She blushed at me after I pulled away. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Brenda chuckling to herself. Erin and I left the magistrate's office and walked back to the lobby in silence.

"I didn't know they'd say that part in a civil ceremony," I said quietly to Erin. "I'm sorry if I surprised you."

"No, it's okay," she insisted. I noticed she was looking anywhere but at me. "It was actually kind of... nice. It was just... unexpected, like you said. I hadn't thought about having to do that."

Brenda chimed in right before she left. "Well, if that was a surprise, you'd better prepare for the honeymoon tonight." She hugged Erin and left, still laughing at us.

Erin's tense eyes met mine. "Please tell me she was kidding."

"Of course. Remember, this is just paperwork. That kiss was for show." I smiled at her, hoping she would do the same. "Come on, let's go." I led her by the arm towards the car.

On the drive back to my place -- our place -- I got the sense she was still overthinking my kissing her. I steered the conversation to simple things, like what to eat for dinner, and plans for moving her belongings in a couple weeks.

The rest of the evening was quiet. We ate some egg fried rice in the living room while watching a movie. Erin was quiet, but at least responsive when I talked. I hoped she wasn't dwelling on the kiss still, especially after I had insisted over and over that I had no impure intentions.

I bid her goodnight and went to my bedroom, where I stripped down to my boxers. I milled about the room for a minute, putting some empty bottles in the trash and dirty clothes in the hamper. I had just slipped between the sheets when Erin knocked on my bedroom door. When she entered, my eyes went wide. She was wearing a thin, white camisole top and some lacy, white bikini-cut panties that hugged her hips nicely.

"Hi," she said shyly.

"Hey, what's up?" I tried in vain not to stare at her sexy curves.

She sat on the side of the bed beside me, giving me quite the rear view as she sat down.

"I thought you might want to... you know... do something tonight. It is our wedding night after all." She stammered her way through her words.

I couldn't believe my ears. This was definitely unexpected. "What do you want to do?" I asked her.

"I don't know," she said shyly, her head hanging down. "I just figure, after everything you've done for me, I would... I mean, we could... you know..." her voice trailed off, unwilling to actually say the words she was alluding to.

"No." The words sounded more forceful than I intended them to, but it got her to look at up me finally. "I was serious the other day. You look beautiful right now. And I do love you. But I have no expectation that you are or will be interested in me in that way. And if you aren't interested in a real relationship, this is not what I want from you."

"I don't understand." I could see the hurt in her eyes as she cried out softly. My heart sank. I didn't want to hurt her, ever.

"I don't believe in casual sex," I confessed. "Sex has always been something special to me, and I need to have a true, intimate, personal connection with someone before I take that step. I'm just not built that way."

Her face still showed hurt and confusion.

"I don't have one-night stands, and I could never have a 'friends with benefits' arrangement with someone. I don't operate like that."