Going Back to School

When I got back to the Vets Center, Parker was there pouring coffee into a thermos.

"Davidson, how goes it? Heard you had your first walk already, and it was a solo."

"Yeah, no big deal. It was easy."

"Good. Some of the others have been a little nervous about talking to strange women in that situation. Good to hear it wasn't uncomfortable."

"Funny thing was, she had been my server at a restaurant like the day before, so we had something to chat about."

He smiled. "Nice. Always good to get that first one done. Looks like you're on your own tonight, Hope it's a quiet one for you, with Midterms jumping up on us all."

"We'll see."

He grabbed his thermos and waved as he exited, I opened my to go container and stabbed at the mashed potatoes, then cracked open one of the cans of soda. Oakley looked over at my meal for a second, before retiring to her phone.

"Brats & potatoes. They're not bad. Do you want some? I got a couple of banana nut muffins too if you'd rather have one of those." I talked to her like I would to someone who might actually respond to me, rather than give me the empty look and silence my offers were greeted with.

When she looked away again, I went back to my food and ate in silence.

I sent Rebecca a message that I had heard about her mom and was I sorry. It took several hours to get a simple reply thanking me, but that was something at least.

Friday night, Oakley and I were on shift together. I was sitting at the table near the fridge doing some homework. The TV was on an all-news channel. The next story was something about humanitarian conditions in Afghanistan after the US troop withdrawal, and Oakley snapped her head up instantly.

She watched quietly, her eyes big as saucers, soaking in the images flashing on the screen. The reporter was talking about human rights violations, and I could see Oakley visibly shaking.

I went and grabbed the remote, musing out loud about finding something else to watch.

"NO!" she yelled out suddenly. I jumped at the crispness and inflection of her voice.

"Ok. I can leave it here."

Her gaze never wavered from the TV during the rest of the two or so minutes the report lasted, but in that time, I watched her eyes turn several shades of red and tears fell silently down her cheek.

"Hey, are you ok?" I asked softly.

I didn't expect an answer but hoped. Her reaction was way out of left field. I didn't know what to do.

She just sat there, silent and unmoving. She was almost in a trance. The clip was long over, but her gaze never strayed from the screen.

After a long while, she stood up and quietly said "I'm leaving."

And she left. I sent Parker a message summarizing what had just happened. I told him I was genuinely worried about her. He said he'd check in on her shortly, and that was the end of it.

Saturday night, I was back in the Vets Center. Oakley's name was on the schedule too, but it had been blacked out. I sat there quietly, doing some reading for Rebecca's class. Parker called to check on me, there was another frat party going on tonight and he wanted me to be ready.

"I'll be good man." I told him.

Almost as soon as the call ended, Oakley came walking in. She looked much the same as always and took her customary seat. She wasn't looking at her phone this time, just staring across the room at the wall.

"Hey Oak" I said, trying to act normal. I didn't expect a reply and went back to my reading.

About a half an hour later, nearing the end of my shift, Oakley broke the silence.

"Thank you," she said quietly and softly.

I was stunned.

I looked over at her. She wasn't looking my way, but I could see her eyes darting back and forth. I pondered what to say for a moment. "You're welcome."

The Safewalk phone went off. I grabbed it and the vest. Oakley watched me moving. I paused at the door.

"Oakley, do you want to walk with me?"

She didn't respond, but her eyes met mine again.

"Alright then, I'll see you in a while."

I was three or four yards out of the door when I heard her footsteps running to catch up with me. We walked side by side in silence to the same frat house I had once met Rachel at.

I recognized the sorority sister standing outside with one of the pledges. She looked at me as we approached and did a double take. She told me which dorm & room number to take the pledge too and that she was high on something.

Oakley took the girl by the arm and steadied her. The pledge's eyes were bleary and red, and rolled back in her head more than once. The scene worried me. What was going on in there? Was Rachel inside? And what was happening to her there? I was preoccupied on the short walk to the dormitories.

The girl stumbled and nearly fell several times. When she finally succeeded, I ended up picking her up off the ground and carrying her the last few hundred yards. It was just going to be faster that way. Oakley remained silent but watched intently.

"Wait here." She said flatly when we reached the dormitory doors.

I set the girl on her feet and Oakley gingerly led her inside. I stood by the doors, watching people walk back and forth for nearly twenty minutes. Oakley reappeared and we walked back in silence.

Inside the Vets Center, I gathered my stuff to head out, as Willis and Norton were there waiting. Oakley plopped back down in her chair. As I exchanged pleasantries with the others and prepared to leave, Oakley spoke up again.

"Good job, Davidson"

I paused. "Thanks Oakley. Have a good night."

I exchanged shocked glances with the other two guys before leaving.

On Monday morning, Parker called me before class. "Hey, the guys said Oakley went with you on a walk and told you that you did a good job. You don't know what a big deal that is for her to do. It's been a couple years since she interacted with anyone really."

"I don't know why she did. It was just a short walk from the frat party to a dorm."

"Well, just know, that's a big deal. Whatever you've done, it has helped her."

"Thanks." I hung up and went to class feeling pretty good.

After that, the rest of the semester droned on. Brit Lit became a chore to get through, and I was seriously considering just skipping the final. I didn't need a good grade, and I was looking at A's in my other three classes. Rachel continued to stay away from me during class, although she would occasionally look my way as we settled in our chairs. Rebecca did the same for the most part. I had resigned myself to the fact that neither of them would be talking to me again.

Oakley didn't say much else to me, though I continued to try, greeting her every time she or I entered the Vets Center. I was doing a shift about every other night, and the Center proved a great place to study; quiet enough to get down to work easily, yet with just enough noise and interruption to keep the silence from getting eerie.

Greg set me up with one of the other Modern Language professors to help me start to work on my syllabus and get a head start on next semester. He was in his mid-eighties and had been teaching French there for over fifty years. I spent an afternoon a week in his office combing through old lessons plans and drills that I could adapt and use myself down the road.

During Christmas break, I popped in to visit my sister. We talked uncomfortably on my childhood porch for a few minutes. Her husband was on disability for his bad back. He wasn't home, and I was told spent most of his time playing poker at a private club the next county over. I promised to come by again and get to know her kids, my niece and nephew, a little better.

I ended up with a C in Rebecca's class. Greg and I met and went over my employment details again. I signed a contract and was given keys to my new office. Of course, my office was not in the building where I would be teaching and spending much of my time, but in the basement of the library. I saw my class lists and was relieved to see that I only had a handful of students in each one.

There was a faculty mixer a week before classes began. I wore a new polo shirt with some slacks, the minimum standard dress code for my new position. To my surprise, Rebecca was there. She and I made eye contact, but neither of us approached the other right away. She had on one of her teaching outfits; a long skirt and a button-up blouse. She looked amazing as usual. She was fidgeting with her nails. I decided the time was now.

"You look great." I sad as I approached. She blushed a little. "I was wondering if we could be friends again."

"It's been... hard. I'm sorry. My mom isn't doing great, and I've been stressed. I didn't need to add anything to that."

"Of course. I understand. I just hoped that we could clear the air at some point."

"Maybe. It's still a little strange to think about."

"Yeah." I nodded. "Hey, I just wanted to say hi."

We stared at each other silently.

"Are you ready for all of this?" She asked.

"I think I am. I met with Dr. Brookshire several times before semester break. He helped me prepare quite a bit."

"Good." More silence. "Did hey stick you in the basement of the library?"

"They did," I said with a shrug.

"I was down there for several years before an office in my building was available. It was so cold down there all the time. I nearly froze to death."

"I was warned to buy a space heater for the winters."

"Or three." She sipped her drink. "How many classes are you teaching?

"Six. Three Russian and three Mandarin."

"That's quite a lot for a new professor."

"It could be, but the biggest class only has seven students. I think it won't be too bad."

"Oh wow. Those are small numbers. Once you're off probation that will be a problem."

"Greg told me that there would be some leeway seeing as how they had never offered these classed before."

"Some of my upper-level classes are normally single digits."

I took a long drink. The small talk had seemed to die off.

"So, I hate to ask, but do you know if Rachel is alright? I still worry about her sometimes."

Rebecca sighed and took a deep breath. "She is doing ok." She paused again. "A funny thing, after our little confrontation at your place, she and I have been talking a whole lot more, every day basically. We're still not as close as I would like for us to be, but it is leaps and bounds better than it was before."

"I am happy to hear that. I really am." I sighed in genuine relief.

"Thank you. It's been good for my heart." She beamed.

We found a table to sit at. I caught Greg's eyes as he milled about the room. Rebecca just waved at him.

"I ... I told Greg what was going on."

"What? Why would you do that?" Her voice was angry.

"I didn't give him any details. But I didn't want there to be some sudden revelation down the road that cost me the job."

"What exactly did you tell him? You realize he could sanction me as well."

"I do know that. I told him I had been casually seeing a co-ed, and that you and I went out a couple of times. That's it."

"And what did Dr. Landers say?"

"That although we shouldn't have gone out, we had enough history between us outside of here that it wouldn't be as big of a deal as it could be should it ever be reported."

"So, he didn't file the report then." Her voice sounded hopeful.

"If he did, I'm sure we would have heard by now, I talked to him the day after our... confrontation at my place."

"Well, that's a little relief. And you didn't mention that the co-ed you were seeing my daughter?"

"No, of course not." I said, a bit loud. "I told him the basics and that there was some drama that I had to handle, but that's all. He said as long as everything between her and I was consensual, there was no issue at the time. If things were still going on, she wouldn't be able to take one of my classes... stuff like that."

We each took a nice long drink. I spoke up. "I'm sorry, I had to talk to someone about this, and I trust Greg."

"It's fine, I guess. It is just a bit of a shock to hear." She ran her fingers through her hair.

We stared at each other quietly for a few seconds.

"I am sorry Rebecca, I really am. About everything."

She sighed and took a deep breath "Me too. I know I reacted very harshly, cutting you off like that. But my daughter was hurt. I was hurt. I didn't need to deal with you too."

"I get it. I do. I figured you both needed your space."

"Smart man. But like I said. Rachel and I have gotten closer because of it, so I guess there is a silver lining." She took another long drink from her glass.

"Are you still doing the Safewalk program?" she asked.

"I am. Several times a week. I like doing them. I'm going to continue even once classes start."

"That's not going to be too much of a time commitment?"

"No. Actual walks aren't very frequent, nor do they last terribly long. And the Vets Center is a good place to sit and work with minimal interruption."

"That's good." She fidgeted in her seat. "It's getting late. I'm going to go."

She stood and set down her glass. I stood and offered her a handshake. She took it, then pulled me in and gave me a quick hug, reminiscent of how she would do when we were in school.

"Good night, Professor Davidson," she said with a smile.

"Good night, Professor Morgan."

I watched her walk away with a bit of regret. Greg came by and checked on me.

"You good?"

"Great" I said, flashing a thumbs up.

I felt a lot better after talking to Rebecca that night. I was hopeful we could at least be friends. Reconnecting with her had made coming home much more bearable. I enjoyed the time I had spent with Rachel, but I knew Rebecca was the person my heart yearned for. She always had been.

The next day, I spent a few hours at the Vets Center on Safewalk shifts. Now, there weren't many people on campus between semesters, but there were still some, including the students who lived in the frat houses year-round. That meant the shifts were sparse and not very active.

I walked in to see Oakley in her normal spot. I greeted her, as I always did. She ignored me, as she always did. I pulled my tablet and some files out of my bag and spread them out on the table to work. The silence was shattered by her voice.

"You're really teaching now?" she asked, still in her flat monotone voice.

I spun my head around in surprise. It took me a couple of seconds to find the words.

"I am. I teach Russian and Mandarin. I was supposed to start last semester, but there was a... paperwork glitch, so I took a few classes instead."

She was quiet, but was at least looking at me, which was new.

"Will you be coming here still?"

"I am planning on it. It may not be as often as I have been, it will all depend on how hard my schedule is."

"Good."

That was the extent of the conversation, but it was way more than I had ever gotten from her.

Classes started on a Monday. On Sunday afternoon, I was in my office, reviewing some material to use in class, when there was a knock on my open door. I looked up to see Rachel standing there.

"Hi," she said softly. "Can I ..." She was speaking so low and quiet the words just trailed away.

"Of course. Please." I said, standing up. I pointed her towards the chairs on the other side of my desk "How are you?"

"Okay. Mom said you two talked the other night." She sat down at stared at her feet.

"We did." I confirmed. She was clearly nervous and uncomfortable. "Mostly just small talk. She asked about my classes, I asked about your grandmother, that sort of thing. Just a casual conversation."

"She said you asked about me."

"I did. You know, just because things ended the way they did, doesn't mean I don't think about you and wonder how you're doing.

"You could have asked me, you know."

"I could have, and I probably should have. But in my defense, I wasn't sure you wanted to hear from me. I certainly didn't want to upset you further, so I kept my distance."

"I suppose." She looked down at her feet again. The silence got still and difficult.

"Are you taking any interesting classes this semester?"

"I'm taking a couple of my architecture classes."

"That sounds interesting."

"I guess." She stared at her feet some more. Cue the awkward silence again. I took a deep breath.

"Rachel, I am sorry for how things turned out."

"Me too. I... I missed you."

"I missed you too. I worried about you several times. I did a Safewalk for a girl from your sorority one night at one of the frat parties."

"I remember that. Cara. She was high on something when she came in, and then she started drinking."

"I remember wondering if you were there too and hoping you were safe."

"I was there that night. I was with Misha and Brian."

"No mandatory date?"

"Well, yeah. Brian set me up with one of the other pledge guys, but we didn't really hit it off very well."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"He was nice enough, I guess. He just talked way too much about his computer games."

"It takes some guys, and girls too, a while to figure out who they are and be comfortable with themselves. I was in the military for a couple years before I knew who I was."

"I guess."

We sat quietly for a few moments.

"So, are you going to ask my mom out again?"

I pondered my response carefully.

"I... I don't know. I would like to. I'm not sure if she'd be receptive to it."

"Judging by the look she had in her eyes when she talked about meeting up with you, I think she is."

"Thank you." I did not know how to respond to that.

"Would you ever think about asking me out again?"

I took my time answering. "I'm not sure about that."

"Why?" She cried out "Is it just the student/teacher thing?"

"No, although that would complicate it a bit."

"Then why don't you want me?" She wiped away a tear from the corner of her eye.

"Rachel, you are a wonderful woman. You're funny, intelligent, quick witted, caring, and warm. Not to mention, you're cute as hell. In a vacuum, I'd be more than interested in you. But you're also still finding out who you truly are. And that is a journey that deserves to be done with someone who can make the same discoveries with you."

She put her face in her hands. I wanted badly to hold and comfort her, but I knew that wasn't a good idea at the moment. I continued to talk in low tones.

"I know who I am today. But I didn't figure it out at your age. It took me until my late 20's to realize who I truly was. I realized that what I thought I wanted and needed when I was your age were things that weren't as important anymore."

She had tears running down her cheeks. I felt helpless.

"I'm sorry Rachel. I care about you very much. If things were different, I'd jump at the chance to hang out with you and maybe even fool around some.

"But not fall in love with."

"Well... No." I said, trying not to hurt her. "We're in different places emotionally. When we had our first little miscommunication, my instinct was to reach out to you to see what was wrong. Yours was to ignore me for several weeks and put as much physical distance between us as possible."

I caught her eye finally and tried to be gentle.

"You value the opinion of your peers greatly. You've been bending over backwards to fit in with a certain group of girls. I am at a place in my life where I don't care about fitting in."

Her eyes were full of tears. I continued quietly.

"You will become more confident in yourself and be able to manage your feelings better. And when that day comes, you'll be even more attractive than you are now."

"And my mom is all those things already," she said, again looking down.

"I think so. She is confident and self-aware and not afraid to make the first move. I find that to be very appealing."

She closed her eyes and took several deep breaths before looking back up at me with a forced smile.