Healed Shoulders

I told him that he knew what I meant and that it was a possibility. Ben responded by saying that we would just have to make sure it didn't happen, but I for one -- was not convinced. In truth, I didn't trust myself and I knew that was the truth. No amount of derision or ridicule was going to stop me taking advantage if or when the chance arose. I didn't tell him that of course, I simply told him that it couldn't happen again and that the best way was to not bring anyone home -- at least until he felt it was genuinely serious between them.

Now the more astute amongst you will have seen the proverbial elephant in the room. Because we hadn't even mentioned what might happen the next time Ben came home -- either alone or otherwise. I was aware of it, but I figured it was a conversation for another time. I'd given Ben enough to think about already and I wasn't sure if he would take in, or handle what I had to say about his next visit home.

As luck, or karma would have it -- Ben's next visit home was due to be for Easter (late March) but it coincided with a work trip overseas. Ordinarily I would have declined, but the trip was to Singapore (a place I'd always wanted to go) and I'd agreed with my boss Ryan that I could change my plane ticket back and return after the Easter holidays.

After my return from Singapore, things seemed a little 'off' between Ben and I. I really couldn't put a finger on it and if I didn't know better I would have said he was upset about my trip to Singapore. Maybe he expected me to have declined the trip, maybe thinking he deserved to be more important. In a couple of calls straight after I came back, Ben did sound a little miffed that I had gone, and for the first time I had a glimpse of perhaps what Amber had been trying to say to him. That he couldn't expect women to just offer themselves and be permanently available to him, above all and anything else in their life.

Except of course, and you guys know damn well -- I would have, had he but asked. Yes -- I would have forgone a trip of a lifetime in order to stay at home and fuck my son. There, I've said it and you all knew it anyway. But I couldn't admit that to him, he was already beginning to show signs of arrogance and big-headedness and I wondered if that was as a result of the attention he was getting from the girls at Uni.

April flew by in a haze of work and domestic issues that I had to attend to. With Melanie's room now available -- I decided to swap things around. Moving my 'office' -- basically a desk under the stairs -- into Melanie's room. I would get rid of her bed and buy a fold up bed for when it was needed. I cleared the stuff out, then began to re-decorate. I don't mind painting and decorating to be honest, I find it quite therapeutic, and it gave me plenty of time to think.

I decided that this was going to be a watershed. I told myself it had to be. I had to somehow find a way to stop myself from fixating and yearning for my son's cock. I wasn't sure how, or even if I could. I just knew I had to find a way. One of the main ways I figured, was to make sure we were never alone during his visits home. Whether that meant inviting Melanie over or simply asking one of my sisters to come round for tea.

My calls and texts with Ben became routine, almost mundane. I would text him on Monday mornings and ask about his weekend. He would provide some lame description and then ask about mine and I would respond in the same way as he had done. Then there might be a text exchange or 2 during the week -- but that was it. I don't know if either of us were aware of it then -- that there was a chasm forming in our relationship - regarding our emotional and intellectual interactions. Our calls became infrequent and often very brief -- usually with Ben telling me he couldn't talk right there and then. Most of the time, I knew it wasn't true but I lived with it. It was a part of him growing up, moving on and making his own life.

I moved on too, finally completing and uploading my profile onto the dating app. Initially the response was slow and underwhelming. But a couple of weeks in, it got better, and I started getting a few hits. Some of the guys seemed quite nice and respectable. And yes -- before you guys start judging me once more, that really was what I was looking for. My life as mommy slut was over for good -- or so I thought.

I went on a couple of dates, and most of them fizzled out. A couple of guys asked to stay the night, but I just felt I wasn't ready. Despite my assurances that I wasn't rejecting them -- I guess that is how they felt and the moved on. I really wasn't feeling the intimacy, or the tenderness to be honest. Some of the guys were so brazen as to tell me they were married and only looking for sex. And no, before you say anything -- I wasn't tempted, not really.

Soon it was Summer and a hot & sunny weekend was on the cards. It doesn't often get that hot in this part of the country so when it did -- I knew it was time to get the sun lotion out. A few days before the weekend, Ben asked if he could come home. Of course I said it was OK, but immediately contacted my sister to see if she would come over to stay. My eldest sister couldn't for family reasons -- but Emily (not her real name), my younger sister of 3 years agreed.

Then, whilst Ben was on the train home I called him. I did this for one simple reason -- I knew there would be people listening and so his objections would have to be subdued and measured. I told him that Auntie Emily was also staying (without explain why) and that she would sleep in his bed and he'd sleep on the fold up bed.

Ben didn't like that, but which part I wasn't sure. I knew he didn't like giving his bed up but I do think he was more 'annoyed' that his aunt would be there. I tackled his upset straight on. I told him that under no circumstances was there going to be any sexual contact between us.

He tried to sound arrogant and confidence and simply replied "Yeah, right."

I scolded him, telling him in no uncertain terms that it really wasn't going to happen and that furthermore, if he did try anything -- then I would have to review and re-think his trips home. Whether he thought I was seriously threatening to stop his home visits I don't know, but it did the trick. His ardour calmed and his arrogance rescinded.

I told him in a conciliatory tone that it really was for the best and that he really needed to find a nice girl at Uni. I told him that once he had done that, that all this would just be a memory -- a very nice secret memory, but nevertheless -- a memory. Ben seemed to accept and acknowledge it. I asked him if he had met any nice girls, and Ben hesitated. I knew there was something there, and so I dug deeper. Eventually Ben told me that a couple of girls had shown an interest and that one had practically begged him to let her give him a blow job (and we can guess why she wanted to -- because rumour's of Ben's size had spread like wildfire following an incident with a girl in the corridor (more on that later).

I asked him how it went, and to my shock Ben told me he had told her he didn't want a blow job. This was not like Ben, and I knew there was yet more to be divulged -- so I asked him why. That was when he admitted to me, what Amber had said to him shortly before they broke. It was whilst Amber was blowing him, in the back of her car that it had happened. During the blow-job, apparently -- Ben had called Amber 'mum' and so Amber, knowing the history had questioned him about it.

Ben had admitted to Amber that during some of her blow jobs, he sometimes fantasised about me doing it. Amber had then asked if that extended to when they were fucking, and Ben had then admitted that it did. Amber had been furious with him, it had been the main reason for their breakup and the true reason why Amber had refused to have sex with him that weekend. It was also why he had declined the blow job from this girl at Uni -- fearful that he would once again cry out 'mum'.

A part of me was hugely complemented of course, and my self-esteem instantly soared. But I reiterated to him that this was exactly the sort of thing that could get us into trouble. A similar outburst, or worse might lead to awkward questions being asked and then - as we all know, rumours spread and most people believe there is no smoke without fire.

I told him we had to try and control and manage our desires, that we were risking his future because if any of it came out -- he'd undoubtedly be asked to leave Uni. I told him that unless we stopped -- we would forever be caught in this whirlpool, until we both got drawn right down to the depths of the ocean, and it all blew up in our faces -- ruining all our lives irreparably.

By the end of the call -- Ben was in no doubt that there was nothing going to happen between us and I was reassured that we would be OK for the weekend. Except, like you guys - I knew we weren't. Because for all my talk, deep down in the depths of my depravity and wickedness I knew that, just like in a tinder dry forest -- it would really only take one tiny spark to set the whole forest alight. And indeed, that is all it took.

My sister Emily arrived about 4pm and we sat and chatted for a while, mainly catching up on family stuff and general day to day matters. Ben arrived at 6pm and I fixed him some food, whilst Emily plied him with questions about Uni. Some of the questions were a little personal I have to say, but then Emily was never shy about asking such direct and intimate questions.

She even asked if there were any 'hot' students that he could introduce her to. Emily was happily single and could probably be described as a 'free-spirt'. Her choice of men were sometimes questionable, but then -- who was I to judge.

By about 10pm I was quite tired, having spent a lot of time cleaning and tidying the house and then sorting my 'new' office so that Ben had enough room to at least sleep there. A part of me felt guilty about making him sleep there, but I consoled myself that it was for the best. I retired, leaving Ben and my sister to chat -- about what, I hated to think and dared not ask.

I slept well, and when morning broke and the sun was hot in the sky, even by mid-morning -- so it was clear that it was going to be a hot one. On the news, they were already saying that the day's temperature would most likely break all records. I wasted no time, diving into the garage to retrieve the table and chairs, the sun loungers then squirreling around for beach towels, drink holders and sun tan lotions.

I sent Ben to the shop for some ice and some cold beer whilst Emily and I set about preparing some light food to nibble on over the course of the day. I asked Emily what she and Ben had chatted about, and she got that stupid grin on her face that told me it was something quite wicked, and that I would probably disapprove. When I pressed her on it, she admitted that Ben had told her 'all about' Amber. Well, of course -- my heart jolted in fear. Just how much had he told Emily? And if he'd discussed the real reason for their break up then surely Emily would know about me giving Ben a blow job. But -- if she did know, she made a good job of hiding it. Relieved somewhat, my heart beat came back to normal.

Ben returned with the ice and the beer and we set it up in a large tub of cold water in the shade of the garage, in the garden. To begin with, we all sat around on the chairs around the table, drinking beer. It was still barely 10:15 am but the sun felt lovely on my skin.

We chatted and laughed, and reminisced about life in general. Ben filled us in on his days in Uni and how he felt it was going. He mentioned how he'd bumped into Steven (Amber's brother) several times and had actually become really good & close friends with him. Emily was bemoaning her love life and I interjected by saying that I'd re-done my dating app profile. Well, that was it -- both Emily and Ben immediately began searching for it. Quite how they knew what app it was, I'm not sure -- but they asked for my username and when I told them, they both laughed deliriously.

They soon found me on the app of course, and then began to pull out details and question me on them. Now, in my defence -- well, I hadn't lied on my profile, but like most other people I guess -- I may have embellished the truth a little tiny, teensy weensy bit.

"Mum, since when have you fucking liked hiking?" laughed Ben loudly.

I began to form my response when Emily giggled -- "I can't believe you put your tit size in there, Sis." she hooted. Before adding "Might as well put a sign above your head that you like being tit fucked."

I glowered at Emily. "I don't think that's appropriate in front of Ben." I said trying to sound very maternal and serious.

Emily laughed it off, "Pfff -- he'll have seen and heard worse in Uni." She responded flippantly, before again adding "In fact, from what he told me last night - I know he has." She giggled once more.

Ben immediately went bright red, and that really only happened when he was well and truly embarrassed. "Do tell." I instructed, keen and not a little excited about what I might learn about my boy. Ben shook his head but remained silent.

Emily on the other hand, never could keep her mouth shut -- and so if Ben thought his secrets were safe, then he was in for a terrible and embarrassing surprise. "Go on." Emily encouraged. "Tell your mum about the girl in the corridor." She laughed.

Ben again shook his head and refused to talk, pretending to be taking a long draft of beer as he averted his gaze. If he thought he was going to get away with it, he was so wrong.

Emily saw his reticence and decided she would tell the story. "Well, it seems there is this one girl at Uni who is an out and out exhibitionist. So she likes to ... umm ... walk up and down the corridors of the halls of residence late at night, completely naked - and she walks up and down until ..."

"I don't think mum wants to hear anymore about that, do you mum?" Ben pleaded, his voice dripping with embarrassment and shame. A thought crossed my mind, what on earth could Ben have done that made him so embarrassed.

Well, of course I replied by say that I very much wanted to hear it and I saw Ben cringe. Emily giggled and continued the story.

"Well, she literally walks around until someone finds her and then she offers to fuck them, right there in the corridor. Crazy right? Anyway, it seems one night -- it was Ben that found her. Right Ben?" she laughed and looked at Ben.

Ben was still bright red and averting his eyes from me, but he lifted his head slightly and nodded. Emily looked at me and her smile was broad as if she had somehow uncovered a huge secret. For me, it was no big deal -- I knew there were such girls that liked to 'show themselves off' and it didn't shock me. The burning question from me was what Ben had done about it.

Looked at Ben and asked him directly, what had happened, and Ben I think was about to reply when Emily butted in once more. "You fucked her, right?" she asked.

I cringed, hearing her talk like that in front of my son. Yes, I know -- it was pretty hypocritical of me but it just didn't feel right to hear his auntie swearing like that in front of him.

"Right Ben?" repeated Emily, now sounding a little unsure.

Ben went even redder, if that was at all possible. I sensed this was the crux of his embarrassment and to be honest I fully expected Ben to confirm that he had fucked her. When he didn't, my mind began to consider his reasoning.

Once again, Emily jumped in "Well, Ben told me that she took his underpants down and saw his 'package' at least. So there was no way she wasn't going to fuck him after that. Right?" she declared, her tone clearly meant to get a response from Ben.

In response, Ben shook his head and mumbled a low "No, I didn't."

Both Emily and I glared at him, and almost in unison we both said "You didn't?" both of us sounding a little incredulous. I'd very rarely heard of a guy actually refuse a free fuck. To hear that it was my own son just surprised me all the more.

Ben coughed, and then maybe realised that he wasn't going to get away without clarification, so he explained himself. Ben said that the girl, her name was Dawn apparently -- had a reputation and it wasn't a good one, with few people saying she was 'free-use'. No one really knew if she was on the pill and Ben said he didn't have a condom. I was surprised, pleasantly surprised -- by Ben's reasoning.

Of course, only he and I knew that his reticence probably also included the fear of another 'mum' outburst. But naturally, neither Ben nor I said anything on that.

Apparently though, as Ben had explained to Emily -- the news of Ben's 'package' spread through the halls like wild fire. Girls would giggle as they walked passed him. Girls he didn't know would come up to him and offer a sultry 'Hi, Ben.'

The incident made me feel both proud and sad, proud that Ben had acted so kindly and responsibly toward the girl but sad too, that this girl clearly had issues. Being such an exhibitionist at such an age surely meant some trauma in her early life. And I, for one -- could understand that.

Thankfully, the talk had distracted us all from the issue we were discussing -- mainly, my dating App profile. It was now close to noon -- the sun was beating down and I for one was ready to get a sun tan. I announced that I was going to change into my bikini and Emily said she would do the same.

We both ran up the stairs like giggling kids and I went into my bedroom to get my bikini. Moments later Emily came in carrying what I can only describe as a yellow micro-bikini. I mean. It was just the smallest bikini I had ever seen. But that was Emily, down to a T.

"Do you think this is suitable?" she asked rhetorically, not waiting for an answer. "Ah, it's only Ben -- he won't mind, he's seen it before." She giggled.

I told her I didn't think it was appropriate given Ben was around and I asked her to clarify what she meant about him seeing it before. Emily then reminded me of the trip to Spain we had taken a couple of years previously. I guess at this point, I should describe Emily in more detail.

Emily was tall and attractive, 5ft 10 inches and quite slim, with long legs. She had long brown hair, beautiful blue eyes and a nice small mouth. She had inherited the 'family' nose -- small, straight and narrow. She was about a 34C I'd guess in terms of tit size. As I'd explained, Emily was single and her mantra was along the lines of 'why buy a book, when you can join a library.'

During that holiday to Spain, Emily had delighted in teasing the locals on the beach -- offering them tempting and tantalising sneak peaks of her tits and cunt. Of course, the fact that Ben and Melanie were with us -- Ben got a few good 'free-views' too. After a few days, Emily decided to go the whole hog and was sunbathing completely nude -- back and front.

During the holiday I had spoken to her about it several times, reminded her that Ben and Melanie were around and asking her to at least cover her bottom half. Emily had responded by saying that they (Ben and Melanie) were mostly down by the water and would not see much. Ben and Melanie may not have seen much, but judging by the number of guys (the same ones) that walked up and down in front of us -- they were more than enjoying the view. I chided her several times when we got home, and even enlisted the help of my (more conservative) eldest sister to get Emily to see that her behaviour on a 'family' holiday was not appropriate.

It brought it all back to me as she held up the yellow bikini, and a part of me cringed at the memory of how awkward and uncomfortable I had felt.

I rummaged around for my own bikini and finally pulled out my favourite -- an Orange 2 piece. But as soon as I pulled it out Emily hooted with laughter and called me a hypocrite. I blushed slightly because as soon as I saw it, I realised it was not that much less revealing than Emily's.