All Comments on 'Held Breath Ch. 02'

Really great story. I would have thought with all the cameras in a mall that someone would notice something but time will tell. Thanks for the story.

A few minor switch of person, and I think you left in an editor comment.

Overall, still very good. I like the flow and details are good.

It’s your story, but I think it’s time to insert some conflict.

5*

Tc

Best in a while!!

If the MC is going to grope or finger strangers, be sure to add Non-consent to the tagline; while it's a fantasy, it's also skeezy behavior.

Two things to consider. One, Mom and sister are low stamina due to their virus exposure. It might be worthwhile for Liam to test with a girl similarly affected and see if swallowing semen provides any recuperative benefits as an experiment. Normally, you'd extract the resident virus from blood, but this is a sex fantasy. I wouldn't expect those struggling to recover to become Evolved, but helping those adversely affected could be fun.

Second, Mom had to sit because she struggled to set the table, yet a day later was able to cook breakfast? Continuity error. Sister, likewise, might leave, but running to her room would leave her heaving for air when she got there. Yeah, I know, it's a fantasy. However, people will suspend disbelief only so far, so be careful how far you push things. Story has potential.

Thanks for sharing. Only 4* because of the surprise Non-consent activities. Sliante'. TJSkywind on a tablet.

Aside from the surprise non-con, which, in retrospect isn't really that surprising given the nature of the whole perv-gets-timestop-powers thing. My only complaint is the Lily situation. It wasn't really made clear whether or not Lily didn't want to finally make her own decisions in life, or that she doesn't believe she's capable of doing so. A lifetime of having her life dictated by others isn't something easily reversed, but it is possible if she's willing to try. I mean, she pretty much did exactly that by deciding she wanted to be a part of "their group." That was pretty decisive. Everything from the party onwards just seems a little rushed is all. A few paragraphs and the MC is in a three-way relationship with two girls, one of whom wants to be a sub of sorts? And all three are just immediately accepting of all that? It's your story, I just think that could have been fleshed out a bit more.

Oh, and the MC is kind of a dick, lol. The stunt with Brandi was a dick move. All he did was humiliate her from the shadows. Bullies tend to find a target to save face whether the new target has anything to do with, well, anything. He should have made sure he was her new target. But, he's a dumb kid still, so I guess I can't expect him to always be aware of the consequences.

Wow. So very hot. I can't wait to see what you do next - and I do hope you write another installment!!

And to add on to my last comment, I think you have so many options with this story. Alex can make her body into anyones, so you can make her a man, a Futa, etc. And since MC likes some anal play, that gives many options. And Lily's submissiveness seems pretty hot too. My only disappointment is that MC's power does not include the ability to control what people actually do - mind control. But that is not his power. I'm looking forward to what you have in mind for him to use his power.

I rarely comment. This gas been a top teir read. I wish and hope that you will continue this story. Wonderfully done. Truly.