All Comments on 'Hotel Caeneus Ch. 01'

It seems like you focused too much on word choice rather than content. Using fancier words like deluge or alabaster can make a story more descriptive or immersive, but using them too much can make the pace grind to a halt and leave the reader bored. In a page, you told us that Val got a recommendation for an exclusive hotel, got greeted by the concierge, and signed a consent document. It seems like you just wanted to throw out a bunch of exposition to hype the audience up to the hotel without being specific enough to generate legitimate excitement.

Nice mood setting. Looking forward to next chapter. However, please proofread and grammar check next chapter.

So what happened? Sure, I guess it's all in the next chapter but to leave it like that - as if you just said to yourself, "that's enough for now" - isn't any use. What's the basis of the story? Where is it leading? What category are we in?

I was absorbed into the story by some of your words and yet I was also put off by others because some of your opening phrases made little sense to an English speaking person. The first few sentences said to me that English isn't your first language and because of that I allowed you some leeway and before long your words seemed quite 'normal' and nicely phrased and so, giving you the benefit of the doubt I read on.

Again, the word selection was strange at times - sometimes as if you were browsing an obscure thesaurus and picking odd and 'different' words and other times as if you just couldn't find the right word at all.

But the idea seemed fascinating - a hard-up guy; a strange hotel; some stern yet alluring staff and an unknown quality could all come together to make for an utterly captivating story - but can you do the job?

It'll take some better penmanship than you've used so far to make this story stand above the others, I'm afraid.

You had me with the thunderstorm. Keep going.