I Hate Him... No More!

IMPORTANT, please read!

This is a follow-up to my story: "I hate him"!

Please read it before - because you won't know what is going on!

This is a conclusion of the two-part story.

This is a slowburn gentle love story, not a smut.

If you don't like romantic situations, it's not for you.

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These events are a direct continuation of the situation from the party, during which the Disgusting Dares game concluded with a steamy scene between Alex and Finn.

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I felt bad. Really bad. Was I a dick? I probably was. And a chicken. Judas!

He slept with me, gave himself to me for the first time, and then I denied him, I renounced him! I was ashamed of being associated with him.

Fuck.

I returned to my dorm this evening, feeling like a piece of shit. Yes, we were enemies for the first half of our freshman year. But a lot changed last week. Why couldn't my stupid mind follow my newly awakened... hmm? What was it? I wanted Alex, that's for sure. But I really didn't know him. Was I able to even like him while not knowing who he was? The superficial observations were not enough.

I made my decision - I will try to approach him and... invite him for a beer. Or a coffee. Or...a glass of soy milk? I had no idea what to tell him.

Should I apologize? I probably should.

After I showered, I went to bed, but soon started recalling the sex we had. Such a weird beginning, as a part of that stupid game. And it turned so... serious! Laying in my bed, I closed my eyes and reminiscenced... what? What I remembered the most? My mind was pin-focusing on the sight of his small fingers entwined with my fingers. As we both orgasmed, we were holding each other like that.

Fuck... Bad, so bad.

Why did Donna have to ask that stupid question? And I panicked? I simply freaked out!

I squeezed my eyes and remembered our kiss. So perfect, so passionate. The best kiss of my life, without a doubt. And then... the look in his eyes when I betrayed him - in a way, by denying him. I could see the hurt there. Even as I was walking out of the storage room. He was so pale and tense...

I cursed under my breath and promised myself - I will repair it! Somehow. I had to!

The next morning I took a shower and stormed downstairs to the cafeteria which was luckily located in my dorm. Alex was living in another dorm, but he was always coming here anyway. Yet... not today. I ate my breakfast, and he didn't show up. It was the first such occurrence. He was always there around 7:00, 8:00 or 9:00 AM, depending on the time our classes started. But today was... Saturday. So, he should be here around 10:00 AM. But he didn't come.

I was so anxious that I decided to go to see Josh. Probably a bad decision, after yesterday's stupid games that he had forced on us.

Josh opened the door to his room with his hair ruffled and dark circles around his eyes.

"God, Finn! Do you know what time it is? Do you really have to wake me up on Saturday?"

"You'll live!" I murmured and marched into his room, and sat - almost slamming my ass - on his couch.

"Fuck! You'll ruin my couch, you Hulk. You're so fucking big. You should be banned from the gym for a year. How much do you weigh?"

"More than your skinny ass. Listen, I have business with you. I need to get in contact with... this girl. Marcy. You dated her bestie, Eve, right?"

"Briefly. They are not besties. Marcy is besties with Rita. But yes, Eve is their friend also. So, what do you want with her? I wouldn't recommend Eve to anybody, she will make you into a cuck in the span of one day."

I huffed. "It's not about that. I need to speak with Marcy, but have no idea how to reach her."

He raised his eyebrows.

"Marcy Dawson? Isn't she like... best friends with your new... 'frenemy', Alex?"

I snorted and averted my eyes. "Kind of. I need to speak with her. Please talk to Eve, maybe she can give me her number."

"What? Why... are you complicating things? You wanna talk with Alex, you'll find him on FB, without intermediaries. But Marcy is probably on there also, she likes his posts, for sure."

"I would rather call her. I don't want her to... screenshot something I might write."

Josh rolled his eyes. "You're so fucking weird. Why the secrecy? What is going on?"

I pursed my lips, knowing I shouldn't talk to him about this.

But there was something I wanted to ask.

I narrowed my eyes.

"Did you set him up, Josh? During that stupid game?" I snapped at him.

He raised both of his hands. "Wow, wow, wow, Finn, my man. What are you suggesting?"

"I have eyes, Josh. You were fumbling with those dares, and he always had to get one, regardless of which drawing we did. He always got the worst challenges."

Josh bit his lip and whistled quietly.

"Why are you so concerned about this little leech? He deserved everything he got. Remember how he treated you during the last semester?"

I gritted my teeth.

"You really shouldn't fight my fights for me, Josh. I can manage. And besides, I came to an agreement with him, we... have a cease fire, you could say. So. I need to talk to Marcy. Could you please get me her number?"

Josh stared at me for a while.

"You're super weird. Why not approach her directly? She lives in the neighboring dorm. Number 344 as I recall, Eve told me a couple of times. She was hanging over there often."

I hesitated. Maybe it was a better idea?

But why did I need to talk to Marcy and not Alex directly?

Why? Because...

The answer was simple. I was scared as fuck.

YES. That was the truth. That thought alone, of standing in front of him was... terrifying.

Despite us having sex, I still feared him.

"So. Will you tell me what's going on? You were standing up for him in such a fucking peculiar way, that everybody thought you had a crush on him. I even considered..." Josh hesitated, "Are you... gay?"

I snorted. And again I caught myself starting on this panic-type, denying reaction, that I so stupidly had yesterday. Panic denial... Why was being gay such a bad thing in my subconsciousness? I knew my parents wouldn't accept it, probably. My grandfather was a pastor, back home in Texas. But should I care what they think and feel? And forget about what... I feel?

I clenched my jaws.

"I was standing up for him because Tim was being a dick. C'mon, we can't torture a guy just because he is a bit too... insolent."

And... I still couldn't admit it loudly! The fear of being criticized was too powerful.

"Sure we can! He is a weirdo, and he treated you like shit. I couldn't grasp why you wouldn't want to tease him a bit." Josh was eyeing me.

"Ha! And your way of having me on board with this plan, was to... order me to lick his ass?"

Josh squinted his eyes.

"That was an... accident. But Donna said that you liked it. You were almost reciting poems about his pretty hole. Is it true, or is the bitch exaggerating?"

I blushed intensely.

"Exaggerating. Mostly. I didn't recite a poem. But I gave him some compliments just to help him stop being so... panicked. We were supposed to have fun!"

Josh probably couldn't believe his own ears.

"Wow! Did you even care what he felt? C'mon. Tell me right now. Are you into him? Are you gay?"

I cursed under my breath, but I still couldn't force it out of my mouth.

"Alex does not consider himself within the stereotypical gender norm, anyway. He identifies as trans femme."

Josh rolled his eyes. "But he uses male pronouns!"

"He explained that it's only because he is sentimental about that...! He actually uses he/she/they..."

Josh waved his hands in front of my eyes, interrupting me.

"Listen, call me uneducated, but if he has a dick... it still would make you at least... kinda gay, right?" He glowered at me. "And that means you possibly liked licking his ass. Was it stinky?"

I snorted angrily at the idiot. "No! He cleaned himself before."

"Fuck, Finn! Can you answer me honestly? Are you gay? Do you like dicks?"

I was fighting with myself pretty hard. God, there would be a point when I should probably stop denying it so... adamantly and fooling myself. Maybe it could be now? With a person, I considered my friend? Josh, Tim, and Martin were my best friends during the first half of freshman year.

I sighed, giving up. "I don't know, Josh. Seriously. I'm sorta straight, I always had girlfriends in high school. But maybe I am a bit bi-curious also? Or pansexual..."

It was careful enough, right? I didn't go full on: "I slept with him", which would make the fact of me not being totally straight... a pretty rock solid case.

Yet, so it seemed - it was still too much of shocking information, at least for Josh.

His eyes were now gigantic. He swallowed hard, and looked aside.

The prolonged silence became rather uncomfortable.

I cleared my throat. "Would that be a problem for you?" I asked, feeling strange.

"No... not a problem," he answered with a rather shaky, unsure voice, still avoiding my gaze.

"It's not contagious, you jerk. So calm down," I murmured, but my tone of voice was not as calm and relaxed as I wished it was.

"Is he... is he even queer? I know for a fact he fucked Eve's friend, Samantha. I saw it with my own eyes."

"You saw it?! How? When?" I almost jumped.

"Yep, during last winter break, we were at a party organized by some other friend of Eve. Alex was there with this girl, Samantha. They often hang around at the beginning of the semester. I even thought she was his girlfriend."

Only now I vaguely remembered that on a few occasions I also saw an additional girl around him, but soon after, there were only Marcy and Rita.

"They went to a small room upstairs and I kinda... stumbled upon them, looking for a restroom. He was fucking her doggie style. So, even if he looks like a sissy, I would say he knows his way around girls. That's why I'm asking, it is rather confusing."

I was listening to this news with widened eyes. Wow, he was not as innocent as I suspected, and for some reason that made me feel a bit better.

If it wasn't his "first-first" time having sex, the impact of my dicky behavior would be lesser, hopefully?

Okay, ass virginity was a bit different as it involved crossing over to the gay sex arena, and that could be stressful, but... I felt a bit of relief that he had some fairly recent sexual experiences, and maybe he wouldn't react that badly?

Strange logic? I was probably fooling myself because even though I, myself, had three girlfriends in high school - for me (I've considered myself a straight guy all my life) first time queer sex - was... a big deal.

Yep. I was all over the place, obviously.

I didn't want to think about all of this now, but I wanted to know what Alex felt after our... encounter. For sure. I just needed to know!

I leapt to my feet. The need to find Marcy was growing stronger minute by minute.

"Sorry, have to go" I muttered, and headed toward the door.

Leaving his room, I caught sight of the look on Josh's face.

It was weird. Different in some way. Almost... a bit hostile?

As if he had suddenly become a stranger.

I couldn't dwell on this now, as I closed the door and ran downstairs.

I sprinted toward Marcy's dorm feeling oddly energized.

Finding room number 344 took me maybe 5 minutes. As I knocked, I heard quiet cussing and soon Marcy showed up at the door. She had messy, pink hair, and big, yellow glasses on her nose.

"What's up dude?" She looked almost like she didn't recognize me, which I highly doubted.

She was almost annoyingly glued to Alex most of the time. She, Alex and Rita were inseparable. Marcy wasn't at the Tolkien party, she wasn't into that, but I would meet them together in pretty much all other places.

I coughed. "I have a request..." I started, and bit my lip. "I would..."

Suddenly, I couldn't finish it! I just could not.

For some reason, my... thing with Alex seemed... too special to share with other people? Almost too 'sacred'! How strange. Why gossip about that with... anybody?

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have woken you up. I will go." I started to turn around.

"Hey, you...are Finn, right?"

I stopped in the middle of walking away. "Yep."

She smirked.

"I saw the drawing you did for Alex. You are pretty talented! It was amazing!"

I froze. Did he show my drawing to his friends? Wow. Why? I suspected he would throw it in the trash.

"Thank you... It's nice of you to say that." I suddenly felt stupid.

"Would you consider painting me? I'll pay you, of course. You have a gift. I want to have a portrait like he has. So... sensual." She squinted her eyes.

I had to stop myself from bursting into laughter.

"Marcy, no offense, the problem is..."

Fuck!

Without any control from me, these words escaped from my mouth:

"I did this drawing with... my heart. I could only paint him like that. He... means something to me."

I was stunned by my own words. I really said this out loud?

Was that what I really felt after all?

Marcy stared at me with her gigantic pupils, almost bigger than Josh's.

She seemed shocked by my statement, even more than I was. She swallowed hard, and went a bit... pale.

But why?

"I have to go, sorry." I took a step back.

"Wait!" She still looked uneasy. "So, were you looking for him? That's why you came here? He had to go to his parent's house earlier this morning. They live in another city. His father was in the hospital. Alex has to help his mother with some things."

I hesitated. "Is his father okay?"

"I think so. It was a simple surgical procedure."

I bit my lip. "Do you have his... phone number?"

She stared at me with her jaws clenched a bit. "Yes, I obviously have it."

Then a moment of silence. She crossed her hands on her chest.

I was wobbling from one foot to another.

"Can you give it to me?"

She snorted and rolled her eyes. "Eh, God. Maybe, I can. But only if you promise not to be a jerk... to him."

I chuckled. "Well, I can try."

She slowly nodded and pulled out her cell phone. Soon I had Alex's number. As I was walking away, I noticed the way she looked at me, kinda hostile and... hurt?

What was the problem here?

The expression of her tormented face accompanied me all the way home. So odd.

I returned to my room with such an intense thought process going on in my head. I was not bold enough to call him. So, what could I do?

Sitting at my desk, I took another blank sheet of paper and... started to draw.

Kind of a... comic book.

I'd never done such a thing before. So, I did it slowly and carefully. Every line - precise and fine.

The first scene showed Alex in class and me, staring at him intensely.

The second showed the incident in the parking lot, the moment I stood next to him, and touched his neck.

The third was the two of us - kissing on the dance floor.

The fourth showed us having sex, well, not in a pornographic way, just upper bodies, and... our hands intertwined. My head was over his neck, turned as if I had leaned in to kiss him tenderly.

The fifth was empty.

I couldn't force myself to draw a scene from my imagined future, to be honest, I still had no expectations. It was all so fresh and new. The thought alone that I could be... in a relationship with him - seemed a bit crazy, yet the longer I thought about it - staring at the empty sheet - I started to like the idea.

Wow.

How far I've come from yesterday! A million miles!

I wrote a couple of words there, and left the rest empty:

"Please, draw what you see fitting as the next part."

I worked on it for hours, striving to make every line impeccable. I took a break for two hours. I went to the gym(I was addicted to it!), and then I was right back to drawing.

Sunday I went on perfecting the small details, then I stapled the separate pages together.

Finally, I was done. So, not to think too much - I decided to study extra hard for a test that was scheduled at 8:00 AM on Monday.

After a couple of hours of intense reading and memorizing, I went for a long jog, as it always helps me clear my head.

Just before going to sleep, I gathered enough courage to send Alex a short text message:

"I hope you are alright."

And - not wanting to torture myself, I muted all messaging' sounds and went to bed.

I had to get up pretty early on Monday - not to be late for the test. It was a test on programming in C++. I couldn't go to the cafeteria, so I ate something quickly in my room. Sadly... there were no new messages on my cell phone, but I didn't want to be discouraged by that.

As I arrived at the classroom I noticed that it was already full.

Alex was in his usual place, next to Marcy. She spotted me first, and I could feel her weird gaze on me. What was wrong with her?

Why did she hate me - too?

Please, people, get in the line! There are so many of you, haters!

Alex was bent over his notebook and was writing something there, so he didn't see me, as I was passing by.

What I, however, noticed was the fact that Josh was sitting with Tim, and didn't look at me when I went in. Usually, Tim was sitting with Martin and I - with Josh, but today Martin was unexpectedly sitting with Sandy... and I was left out!

Wow, how weird!

Just behind Alex and Marcy's row, there was one empty desk, so I headed there.

As I got closer, I could see he raised his eyes a bit; however, he stopped his gaze along the line of my chest and didn't acknowledge me passing him in any way. He went back to staring at his notebook, ignoring me totally.

Yep. I probably deserved that. At least from him.

But what Josh did today was beyond me.

The test soon started.

I was quite pleased that I had studied diligently, as I knew the answer to every question. I finished it quickly. A couple of minutes later, I noticed Alex asking Marcy about something. However, I couldn't hear what it was. She shook her head as if she didn't know.

He obviously was stuck on something as I could see his slim neck, leaning over the test, in a rather tense way.

I suddenly remembered my lips grazing over his white skin, tasting it...

Today, he was wearing a tight black sweater with a net/mesh part, but only on his arms and forearms. It also had a small... turtle-neck. Did I leave him some hickeys he wanted to hide?

His blue hair was tied in a long ponytail that was within my reach. I fantasized for a moment that I was threading my fingers through his silky strands. Staring at him intensely, I also noticed that his natural hair color was probably blond, under the blue hair dye I spotted some light roots.

As I observed him, I became more and more sure - he was distressed. He obviously didn't prepare himself for this test, being at his parent's house. I waited for the moment the professor turned around and in a soft, gentle stroke I grazed over his arm.

He flinched and slowly... turned to me.

Our eyes met, and I smiled softly. His face, however, remained pale and a bit angry.

"What?" he muttered, his eyes bore into mine.

Without saying a word, I turned my test toward him, so he could see my answers. I really wasn't concerned about the morality of such an action.

He slowly dropped his gaze. For a moment, he studied the test sheet.

Thereafter, he raised his eyes and said stiffly: "Thanks".

As he turned his head again to his test, I noticed that he started quickly writing things down. After some time, he was obviously stuck again.

He slowly turned around, facing me. Our eyes met again, this time however he didn't look that angry. Rather unsure. I didn't even ask what he wanted. I just showed him my results again. He fixed his eyes on my answers, studying them in silence.