I'm Done

I guess it was inevitable that we would talk. I never would have believed how much we ended up talking. The day before I met Penny I would have sworn that I would never hold another personal conversation with a woman. After being with her night and day for a month it seemed natural.

She was an only child and she'd lost her parents shortly after she married. Her parents died in a car crash just a few miles from Penny's home. They were returning to their own home after visiting with Penny. They didn't trust their son-in-law and had been worried about her. Penny's husband threw a fit and told them they had better be gone when he got home, then stormed out of the house. Penny's parents tried to get her to leave with them, but Penny still held out hope for her marriage. Her parents left and that was the last time she saw them alive. Penny's husband showed up two days later, still drunk. His car was scraped down the side and the front bumper was crumpled. He claimed that someone must have hit it while it was parked, but Penny couldn't help but wonder. When she told me I didn't wonder at all. I knew he'd killed her parents. I couldn't prove it, but I knew it.

Are you paranoid if they're really out to get you? Penny's husband hung over her head like a crushing weight held by up a frayed rope. I knew he wouldn't just go away. Everything about his actions screamed vindictive asshole. He wouldn't be able to let go. I constantly did my little patrols around the house, checking out the windows and watching what little traffic there was on our street.

I spotted him parked a few houses down the street Wednesday morning. He couldn't have been there long and I could see that he was watching the house. I was concealed behind the curtains and was peering through a small gap between the curtain and the window. I could see him, but he couldn't see me. I dialed 911 and told them what was happening.

I'd been on the phone with them for maybe a minute when he got out of the car. He opened the back door and pulled something out. Whatever it was, he held it close against the side opposite me and quickly walked toward the house. When he crossed the yard he brought what he was carrying around and up. The assault rifle was unmistakable. I had a running commentary going with the 911 operator and she was well aware of what was happening right fucking now. I couldn't hear sirens and I suddenly knew that they weren't going to arrive in time.

There was absolutely no cover. Anything I could get behind wouldn't stand a chance of stopping a bullet from that weapon. I set the phone down on the counter to free up my hand. I went for what concealment I could by stepping behind the kitchen doorway and exposing my arm as I pointed my pistol at the door. I'd gotten into the habit of locking Penny's doors and almost chuckled from the nerves when he banged into it. He apparently didn't care for the door being locked. He went for the nuclear option right off the bat. He shot the shit out of the front door and panic shot through me. There weren't that many walls between him and Penny, and I was worried she might get hit.

He stopped firing and kicked the shot-up door open. He walked in with the weapon on his shoulder and aimed down the hall, "Bitch, you're dead."

I stepped out of the kitchen and he turned toward me. I shot twice, chest then head. I put two more in him on his way to the floor. I knelt down, released the mag, cleared the breach, and laid it all on the floor. I walked over to the island and picked up my phone, "I had to shoot him. My weapon is unloaded on the floor by the kitchen. I have to check on Penny."

I ran back to the bedroom and rushed to her bed. Penny saw me and reached for me. I let her hug me as hard as she wanted. I might have hugged her back, but just a little. I assumed she was just relieved and it didn't mean anything to her. When she settled down a little I brushed that curly blonde hair that's always blocking the view of one of her blue eyes out of the way, "Penny, the worst is over, but I need you to be strong. I'm so very sorry, but I had to shoot your husband. I had no choice. The police are going to take me away for a while, but I will be back. You're strong enough now to take care of yourself for a few hours. I'll be back as soon as I can."

She looked up at me, "I love you, Dan."

I pulled away, "No you don't. You might think you do, but that won't last. I know better."

I walked back to the living room, dropped to my knees, and put my hands behind my head. I had just killed another human being and a Penny had destroyed our friendship when she told me that she loved me. My insides were churning, and I thought my heart was going to explode. I remember thinking as I watched the cops approach with their guns out, What a time for an anxiety attack. I guess the cops were a bit taken aback when I fell forward on my face. I'd hyperventilated and passed out. Macho is my middle name.

More hours at the police station. The 911 recording and the evidence at the scene painted a pretty clear picture. Still, the shooting hung over my head for months before they ruled that it was justified. After the police were done with me on the day I shot him I went straight home and stayed there.

Two days later I heard a knock at my door and knew it was Penny. I knew I had to talk to her eventually, but I wasn't looking forward to it. I didn't want to make her sad, but we could no longer be friends. She'd told me that she loved me and I knew if things continued I would start feeling things too. I wasn't going through that hell again.

I opened the door expecting Penny, "Marcy! I never thought I would see you again. What do you want?"

It all came rushing back, the pain, the grief, the longing. I wanted to slam the door closed. She was very calm, "Dan would you please let me talk to you for a while? I promise I'll leave as soon as we're done."

As much as I wanted to slam the door closed, I wanted answers more. I doubted that I would get them, but I invited her in regardless. I had her sit at the kitchen table and made coffee to cover my inability to string two thoughts together coherently.

I set the cup down in front of her and sat down across from her. She took a sip and gathered herself, "Dan, I won't ask you to forgive me. What I did to you was unforgivable. There is nothing I can say or do that will ever make that right. I had it all and I threw it away. It's horribly comical how quickly I figured that out. I will spend the rest of my life knowing my selfishness cost me the best love I will ever know and tore the heart out of the one I loved most in this world. I did that. It was all me and I hate myself for it.

"I don't expect you to believe me, although I hope you do. I wanted you to see my face when I told you how horribly wrong I was and how terribly I treated you. I need you to know that none of it was your fault. You didn't fail at loving me. I failed you.

"That's one reason why I'm here. The next reason is the most important one. Because as horrible as what I did to you was, I did worse to Bella. She lost her best friend and the man she loved because her best friend was a selfish cunt. The only thing she ever did was love us both. In return, I turned my back on her and tore you up so badly that you turned into a monk. She would have been content to stay your friend if that was as far as you wanted it to go. You crushed her when you sent her away.

"She struggles with depression and she rarely goes out. She's withdrawn as you have and I'm afraid for her. I'm telling you this to prepare you. Bella is coming to see you. She didn't want to at first. She said it was because she didn't want to bother you, but I knew that she was scared that you would reject her again. I convinced her to come and I hope to convince you to talk to her.

"I want you to think about how things were between you and Bella before that night in the club. I knew then that you loved her, just like I knew you would never do anything about it without my approval. What I failed to understand was how committed you were to our marriage vows. A commitment I should have had as well. My approval was never part of the equation. You loved her but would never be romantic with her because I was your wife. That was it right there. No more and no less. I was so stupid.

"I want you to remember the time before I fucked everything up and how you felt about her. That didn't need to change. Neither of you did anything wrong. Your feelings didn't change for each other, but you were both so wounded that you withdrew from feeling anything.

"I'm telling you that it doesn't have to be that way. It doesn't matter if you re-ignite your friendship or become lovers. There is nothing in your way now except yourself.

"I've fucked up a lot by thinking I knew more than I actually did, but in this case I know I'm right. Bella and you are kindred spirits. You make each other joyful. The two of you need to reconnect and let it be whatever it will be. One thing I absolutely know is that whatever you two do figure out, you both will be happier together."

She took a sip of her coffee and grimaced at the tepid bitterness. I nodded, "OK, I'll talk to her."

Marcy started to stand and I held up my hand, "Please don't leave yet. Please sit. Will you tell me why? I want to try to understand the thoughts that led you to the decisions you made. I want to understand how you could have been so cluelessly callous to the two people that loved you most in the world. I know it won't change a thing, but I would like to know."

I was surprised that she not only agreed but also held nothing back. She readily admitted that her logic had been flawed and had led her to the biggest mistake of her life. The night she left with Joseph he had slipped her some ecstasy when he sat down at our table. He kept her talking, and his friends kept me secluded, while the drug began to affect her. She was high as a kite and very compliant when he escorted her out of the club. The next week was a blur of ecstasy and sex, "You need to know that I didn't think he was a better lover. Nobody has ever come close to you. The sex was animalistic and very intense because of that. I fell under his spell.

I wasn't buying it, "So, you're blaming him for what happened?"

She shook her head, "Absolutely not. Did he manipulate me? Yes, he did, and he continued to do so until I left him. That doesn't excuse what I did. I took the ecstasy he gave me, and high or not, I readily let him lead me away from you. He didn't force me to do anything. There is no excusing what I did.

"My life became a blur of social high life and sex. I knew by that point that I'd made a huge mistake. I missed you desperately and I realized that I had destroyed any chance of ever being with you again. I fell into an abyss of depression. Joseph kept me functional with regular doses of various designer drugs. I woke up in bed with two of his friends one morning and it hit me hard. I knew I had lost you forever and I deserved to suffer. I also knew that I needed to leave him. I knew that if I stayed I would continue in my downward spiral until one day I'd be found dead in his apartment.

"I didn't leave to save my life. I left because I had so much to atone for that I couldn't take the easy way out. I made you suffer every day with my betrayal and I need to pay for that. Death was too easy. Six months after I married Joseph I left him. It was two more years before he would let me divorce him. He thought of me as his property and wasn't willing to set me free until he found my replacement. She was another man's wife as well. She was with him when we signed the divorce papers and she looked haunted and very sad."

It hit home for me at that moment. Yes, what she did was horrible and unforgivable. It would have been easy to maintain my new attitude towards women if she had joyfully gone on with her life with her new lover. Too late, she realized her mistake. Too late, she finally understood what she had thrown away, and what she had thrown it away for. I would never be able to go back to the way things were, but I couldn't find it in me anymore to hate her for what she did to us. I was tired. Tired of being sad, tired of reliving the trauma, and tired of being alone on my island.

I reached out and clasped her hand, "Marcy, what happened can't be changed. There is no going back to what was, but I need you to know that I don't hate you. I think it's time to let go and move on."

She began to cry. Sobs wracked her body and the tears fell. I put a hand on her shoulder and just let it rest there until she got through a long overdue cry. I wasn't about to hug her. It just wouldn't have felt right. The woman I had loved with all my heart was gone. The woman sitting in my kitchen was a wounded shadow of the wife I knew. She was no more the woman I had loved and married than a stranger on the street. The only thing we shared now was our pain. It was time to let go and I knew that there was something I needed to do as soon as possible.

"Marcy, I don't know what the future will bring, but while I can't forgive what you did, I don't have it in me to despise you. I'll meet with Bella, and maybe one day in the future you and I can talk again. Maybe one day, we can be friends again. I can't promise that, but I'm willing to try."

She stood and I could see that she desperately wanted to hug me. I didn't encourage her, and she resisted the urge. She knew it wouldn't be welcome now, and maybe never, but at least she'd had her say. She was barely out my front door when I ran out the back and across to Penny's house. I knocked on the back door, but she didn't answer.

I was suddenly very worried and used my key to unlock her door. I entered a silent house and moved toward her bedroom, my worry turning to panic. I walked through her bedroom door and rushed to her bed when I saw an unmoving lump under the covers, "Penny, please Penny. Say something please."

Tears were running down my face, "I'm so sorry I hurt you. I was so wrong. Please Penny!"

My hands were trembling as I reached out and pulled the covers from her head. She looked horrible. It looked like she hadn't left the bed since the day I walked out, "Oh my god Penny! What have I done to you?"

I saw the blanket move as her chest rose and almost cried out in relief that she was still alive. I called 911 and stroked her hair while we waited. Her eyes opened blearily and she looked confused for a moment, "You're here? You're really here?"

"Yes, I'm here and I promise I will never hurt you again. I hope one day you can forgive me."

Penny had been alone in the world after the horror of her marriage and I had been the only one who cared for her, who was there for her. Then I walked out on her without warning, or explanation, and left her with nothing. She hadn't eaten since I left and was dehydrated. A week in the hospital helped her body recover. It took a lot of professional help to help her mind recover. I felt like the lowest form of life on earth. Suddenly I understood a lot more clearly how Marcy felt.

~~~~~{}~~~~~

Penny was out of the hospital and I had set her up in my spare bedroom. I wasn't going to leave her alone again until she was ready to stand on her own. I didn't want her alone in her house, constantly being reminded of the trauma that had occurred there. We talked a lot and I begged for her forgiveness until she lost patience with me, "Dan, stop it. You couldn't help but react the way you did. I knew better than to spring my feelings on you, but at the moment I had to tell you. I pushed you into a corner and you did the only thing you thought you could. Can we put that behind us and start over?"

I smiled for the first time in weeks, "Of course, we can."

Later that afternoon I heard a tentative knock at my door. When I opened it Bella was standing there looking scared and nervous. She practically fell into me as I pulled her into my arms. For the first time since before Marcy left me I hugged my friend, and it felt wonderful. The smell of her hair and her perfume took me back to a place where the memories were good.

Penny walked into the living room and saw us standing there. I heard her gasp behind me and I rushed to reassure her, "Penny, trust me, this is a good thing. I want you to meet a friend of mine."

She looked up at me with tears in her eyes, "She's Bella, isn't she? She's here for you and you will be happy together."

She tore her hands away from me and ran back to the bedroom. I grabbed Bella's hand and pulled her behind me to Penny's room. I rushed through the door and saw Penny frantically grabbing her stuff while the tears streamed down her face, "Penny, please wait. Please don't go. I promised I wouldn't abandon you ever again and I meant it. Please, I'm begging you."

She turned to me and shook her head, "I can't do this Dan. I can't take the pain."

I pulled Bella behind me and walked up to Penny. I put my free hand behind her neck and pulled her lips to mine. I kissed her softly, "Please don't leave me, Penny. I love you too and I need you in my life."

Bella tried to pull her hand away, "Let me go, Dan. I get it. You didn't have to throw it in my face."

I couldn't help myself and I yelled, "NO! You're not leaving. I love you too and I can't lose you again!

"Please, I'm begging you both. I can't stand to lose either of you. We have to figure something out because I won't let either of you go. Never again."

I kissed her lips like I'd kissed Penny, "The three of us have a lot to talk about. Please don't decide anything until then. OK?"

She looked at me with hope in her eyes and so much vulnerability, "OK."

She looked at Penny, then reached out to take her hand, "Hi Penny. You're very beautiful."

Penny gripped her hand tighter and smiled gently, "You're gorgeous. Uhm... I would like to get to know you better. I mean if you want."

Bella smiled and nodded, "I want that very much."

The next thing I knew I was superfluous. They started talking and I quickly lost track of the narrative. I left them to talk in the bedroom while I fixed lunch. They paused their conversation long enough to chew and swallow and that's about it. I went about my chores figuring that they would let me know if they wanted my input. I was cleaning the hall mirror when I saw the smile on my face in the reflection. It felt good.

I had the sudden urge to withdraw again. Feeling things was risky and I was gun shy as hell. Laughter echoed down the hallway and that was the last straw. I'd had enough and I was done. I dropped the rag on the counter and walked into the living room where Penny and Bella sat talking.

They saw the look on my face and stood. I took their hands and pulled them close to me, "I'm done...

"I'm done hiding. I'm done licking my wounds. I'm done running from my emotions. I'm done running away from you. I love you both and I have no idea how we work this out, but I want to work this out. I can't and I won't choose between you. I need you both and I'm willing to try love again if you are."

Two sets of arms flew around me, two sets of lips started kissing my face, and I felt reborn.

~~~~~{}~~~~~

We moved at a snail's pace. We were wary and careful friends feeling our way through our own emotional minefields. I think any one of us left alone would have sunk into a well of depression and given up on life. The three of us together lifted each other up. It was like someone turned the sun on when the three of us were together. Bella's distance away from Penny and me was a hurdle we all wanted to get across.

After a lot of talking and a lot of planning later the three of us bought a house together. We each had our own bedroom and by the time I was finished, each bedroom had a full bathroom. We sold our old houses and suddenly my business grew by two employees.