In the Silence

She crossed her fists over her chest, looking at him happily. Trent still looked guilty, but he brushed her cheek, "I love you, too."

Not the way she'd meant that.

However, further berating of the brother would have to wait. A fist knocked on the door, and she heard the conductor from earlier. "You two about done in there? We're pulling into the station."

Mia had sort of expected that this would happen. That the conductor would come along, or someone, and overhear them.

It didn't stop the panic hitting her.

She fell to the ground as her legs gave in, and her throat closed up. Her eyes burned as she lost the ability to breathe, and her chest screamed urgently at her.

Her head swayed up and down as she grabbed at her own shoulders, fingers becoming claws as she couldn't fight off the fear.

She didn't understand it.

Didn't get it.

She didn't know why she was panicking. She'd expected this. Why couldn't she stop? Why was she so afraid?

Trent wrapped his arms around her, hushing her and brushing at her hair. The darkness sucked at the edges of her vision, as she desperately tried to make a terrified noise, but couldn't emit any sound at all.

A hot tear rolled down her cheek, as she clawed at her own shoulders. Just begging her body to shut down. To just... Stop.

She knew she was overreacting, and she also knew that her body didn't give a shit what she knew. It was scared, so it was going to act scared, and there was nothing she could do about it.

Why wasn't being with Trent helping? It always helped!

Mia struggled to control her panicked mind, slowly coaxing it to tell her why it was wrong, so she could go about telling it why that reasoning was wrong.

Adrenaline.

She was all hyped up on hormones from flooding herself over Trent. So her body had already been on edge, poised to flip out over anything.

Wasn't the first time she'd had a panic attack following sex.

She didn't find her breathing exercises that helpful. Like, right now. Because to calmly breathe you first have to be able to fucking breathe.

Trent cuddled her tighter, "Ssh. You going to relax on the couch when we get home? Watching your show? I dressed up for it. Just like you wanted."

She managed a ragged breath, smiling weakly at that.

He'd even shaved his prickly face, even though she hadn't wanted that. It'd make it nicer if he went down on her, though.

Mia glared at the floor as she found herself breathing again.

It was not fair that thinking of fucking her brother was helping her through this crap. She wasn't supposed to get calmer when she thought about any guy's tongue on her clit. Especially someone who wasn't supposed to do that in the first place.

She staggered upright, sliding open the door, and then looked at Trent and signed. Touching her fingers, and then touching the side of her jaw twice.

He nodded and took her hand, "I know. Home. But, we do still need to wait for the train to go back the other way."

"Oh. Is she okay?" The conductor looked over at them in surprise from the doorway.

Mia rubbed at her red eyes, smiled weakly and held up an okay symbol with her hand. Before ducking back behind Trent and silently cussing out the man for talking in her direction.

"Just a small panic." Trent squeezed her hand, "Nothing to worry about."

"I see." The conductor said, clearly confused. He'd heard them, and thought they were doing exactly what they had been. Now, he was doubting he'd heard right.

Mia found it amusing, even if she wished he had chosen the door of another coach to wait at.

As Trent sat, she curled up tightly into his side. Almost wishing she could climb inside him. Wanting the whole world to vanish and just teleport her back into the safety of her own space.

She swallowed as she realised guiltily she didn't want to chill on the couch anymore.

She wanted to retreat into her bedroom and lock the door.

Trent didn't deserve that.

He'd given up his day off just for her. He'd let her pressure him into something that he was clearly feeling guilty about, and he'd tried to treat her.

Mia glared at the air, angry at herself for being... Whatever she was.

Assertive and strong-willed one minute, and then a quivering mess the next. She absolutely hated the world and everything in it that had turned her into this.

---

Trent bit his tongue to stop himself from saying anything that might redirect Mia's frustration is his direction. He knew she was being pissed off at herself, even though it wasn't her fault.

He was still somewhat confused by what had just happened.

He had thought that he'd managed to let her down gently, when she'd seen through his protests and kissed him. Melted him in her embrace.

It wasn't fair for her to be all three of irresistibly sexy, totally off-limits, and knowing him better than he knew himself.

She fumed for most of the trip home, but about halfway back to the station the exhaustion from it all finally got to her. Mia slipped off his shoulder and into his lap.

Trent idly stroked her hair, and finally moved back to worrying about what he had done.

His primary concern was that he might have taken advantage of her, in some way. She might have been the one pushing for it, but he didn't fully understand why, and she hadn't been able to fully communicate it.

At least her parade of guys knew what they were getting into. Dating apps made making intentions plain fairly simple for someone who couldn't speak. DTF.

Mia hated writing down what she wanted to tell him, generally only writing one or two words. She preferred it when he could just read her facial expressions, and go from there.

But... Relationship things are complicated.

Especially insane ones that shouldn't exist.

He'd always felt guilty just about masturbating to the sound of her. Now... Now he'd sprayed down her throat.

He had stepped over a line.

Way over it.

She'd said this was something more than just wanting to mess around with him. But when he'd asked for more detail, she'd just sort of shrugged.

When he said he didn't love her, romantically, she burst into tears.

He'd told her that it was because he didn't want to lose the only family he had left, but that wasn't the whole of it. He was also taken by surprise.

She had tried to date him.

Trent's entire life, after the accident, had been devoted to his sister. Every moment he was at work was for her. Every moment when he was home, was ensuring that she was cared for.

He had come so close to losing her.

She was the reason he forced himself to get behind the wheel of a car every morning, and fight his way through his own anxieties. Ignoring his own fears and hangups.

He had tried to protect her from everything, but he apparently couldn't protect her from himself. He found her attractive, and she knew how to break through the walls he had raised between them.

He didn't want to make another mistake, and lose her.

If he hadn't been raised in a society that abhorred men showing emotion, then Trent would have brought the rain.

He couldn't lose her.

---

Mia's ankles hurt when she curled up on the couch. She'd be lucky if they didn't blister. Her stupid flats were the only shoes that went with the dress, though.

She was exhausted, and didn't want to even try and talk to Trent. So she turned on her show and curled up on the couch. He understood that much - don't talk to her when she's watching.

Her chest ached, as well. Evidence that her therapist was going to be angry at her for trying to hard.

That was another thing she was supposed to do today, that she really didn't want to do. It was fucking exhausting, and fucking useless.

Two years.

Two of the longest years of her life, and she'd never once felt like it had been helping her. It didn't help with the pain, or the fear, or give her back her fucking words.

Pretty.

She had said that word. She had said it, because she wanted to. All on her own, and it had nothing to do with any of the shit that she had to practice.

Learning how to ignore her symptoms, to think only about calm things and the things she liked. Mastering her mind over her body. That was all just bullshit in the end.

She didn't know exactly why she'd managed it. But she did know that she had been right in the middle of a panic attack when she did. She was in the worst of it, when she found herself croaking actually intelligible sounds.

She did know that the stupid S-CAT was worth as much to her as actual scat.

"Hey."

Mia broke out of her endless thoughts, and cursed herself as she noticed that an entire episode of her show had passed whilst she was busy fretting.

The credits were rolling.

She paused it, and glared over at Trent.

A plate waved in front of her face, with a little cake fork, and she took the teacake from him willingly. She sat up slowly, and gave a small smile.

"You've been crying." He said.

She sniffled and wiped her cheek. She hadn't realised that she had been, but... It wasn't exactly surprising, considering what she'd been thinking about. She shrugged.

"You usually do your therapy sessions by telehealth, don't you?" He asked in concern.

Mia gave a small nod, and took a mouthful of the still-warm teacake. He'd added extra sugar to the cinnamon, just for her. It was one of her favourite comfort foods.

Trent had gone out of his way, just for her, again.

"Are you going to be up to it?"

He'd never asked her that before. Was he really that worried about her? Wasn't exactly the first time she'd moped on a couch after getting upset.

But then... Then, she had changed their relationship, this time.

Maybe he had listened when she told him that she loved him.

Mia smiled weakly at him, and made the okay symbol at him. Then frowned, tapped her plate, spread her fingers in front of her face and moved them side to side.

He frowned, "That's... Awesome, isn't it? You like the teacake?"

She grinned and gave a firm nod. She tried to relax how she was sitting, and kicked her feet up and into his lap. Giving a little nod to gesture towards him.

"How am I?"

She nodded.

Trent sighed heavily, "Uh... To be honest? Fucked up. What we did..."

She let out a soft growl.

He laughed weakly and shook his head, "Just give me a second, Mia. It isn't what you think. What we did scared me. Made me think I might end up losing you. Made me question if I had hurt you. I know you wanted it. I know I wanted it. Doesn't mean it is consequence free."

She had to admit he might be right, there. She had opened the door to her being hurt badly enough that she didn't want to be around him, anymore.

That wasn't an option, before.

She put the cake down so that she could sign, giving him the only pathetic answer that she could. She crossed her arms over her chest, and patted her fists on her shoulders.

Trent smiled sadly, "I know. I just... I did what we did, before I know if I feel the same way. Which isn't fair on you."

Mia rolled her eyes at him. Of course he had. It wasn't like she'd given him a whole heap of choice in the matter.

He'd tried to let her down, and she'd almost accepted it, until she had heard the cracks in his arguments. Heard that he wanted her, but that hadn't been love.

Wanting to fuck someone was different than wanting to love them.

She tapped the back of her wrist.

Trent frowned, thinking, "You're late for your appointment?"

She shook her head, sighed and grabbed her tablet off the coffee table, writing three words down as a note and turned it to him. "Willing to wait."

He stared at it, and then looked up at her, "Wait? For what, exactly?"

She pointed at him, and then flicked him in the head.

He laughed weakly, "What if... I decide I don't want it? Am I still going to have my sister, if I turn her down?"

Mia shrugged, and then smiled and nodded. She turned the tablet around, and quickly wrote a joke. "So long as you make more pancakes and teacake."

He laughed at her, and shook his head with a grin. "I guess you haven't really changed, despite the confession. And eh... What we did."

Mia couldn't help herself.

She waggled her tongue at him, and raised an eyebrow.

"Don't do that." Trent glared, "I do need some time. But... I guess I wasn't the worst first date you've had. At least I didn't go straight for your butt."

Mia giggled, and crinkled her nose.

She thought for a moment, and then decided to tease him some more. She pointed at him, her butt, and raised an eyebrow.

"Do I want to... Use your butt?" He said it with as much tact as he could. Ignoring the fact you can't really suggest sodomy with tact.

Mia smirked.

Trent cringed, "Mia..."

She crossed her arms, pretending to get angry with him. It was just supposed to be a tease, but now she was wondering if he was actually into that.

Had he fucked someone in the ass, before?

He rubbed the back of his head, "Well... It isn't like I haven't imagined it. But if we end up together, it wouldn't be something I'd pursue, I don't think. I've never done it before... Have you?"

It was her turn to avoid the question. Which was nice and easy when she wasn't expected to speak. She looked away from him in embarrassment.

"Unless you tell me otherwise, I'm going to take it as an affirmative."

She stuck her tongue out at him angrily. Then rolled her eyes and held up her hand, advertising how many times.

"Twice!?" Trent exploded, "Seriously? I don't think... I wasn't... Really? You... Your butt..."

She snorted a laugh at the way she'd completely broken him. Maybe that was worth the pain, both times. That had sucked, and made her swear never to try it again.

His mouth opened and closed soundlessly a couple times.

She took pity on him, and wrote on her tablet, "Never again."

He nodded slowly, "Eh... I'm guessing it was twice, with the same guy. To see if the second time was any better?"

She nodded.

Trent swallowed, "Um... Can I ask... Who?"

She shrugged. It wasn't someone who she'd been that into. Her ass had come at the end of a frenzy of six sex-filled weeks. It had been fun, but neither of them had tried to connect.

She had dumped him over her ass. Because he tried to get it after she said she was done experimenting that way.

Trent looked a little tortured by her response. Hints of jealousy mixed in with a repressed desire to ask her more about it.

Mia liked this game.

Her fluro pink dildo was definitely her least subtle toy, but it wasn't her only toy.

She held up a hand to tell him to wait, and ran off excitedly. The idea was wild, and inappropriate and... And she was already beginning to feel warmer at the thought.

Playing with Trent made her feel all sorts of things. Mostly amusement, with a touch of horny excitement.

If this was how their relationship was going to change, she was into it.

It took her a few minutes to set things up the way she wanted. At first she was too excited, and kept dropping the pieces, and then she'd changed her mind and swapped out her bra and panties for a more playful set.

Eventually though, she was ready to screw with Trent's head a bit.

Not for long. She had to have her session in about half an hour, but that should still give her more than enough time.

Mia skipped as she came back into the loungeroom, and she pressed something small into Trent's hands. She stepped back, palms sweating, simultaneously afraid and excited.

He turned it over in his hands, shrugged and looked up at her, "Yep. Not getting it. What is this?"

She smiled nervously and gestured for his phone. He pulled that out of his pocket, "Okay... Really not getting it, now."

She took the phone, downloaded an app, and paired it with the device in his hands. Then she handed the phone back to him and raised an eyebrow.

Trent looked at it, not quite comprehending. "So... I can control something. With either my phone or this remote. Right?"

She nodded excitedly.

He shrugged, "But... Control... What exactly?"

She gave a long hard thought on how to answer. She tapped her chest, and then put her hands up next to her head, reached them forward into fists and pulled them back.

"Attract your attention?" Trent asked, looking even more bewildered.

Mia grinned happily and nodded at him, before very carefully sitting down beside him. She snuggled into his side, wondering when he'd experiment with it.

Just the idea that he could, was making her feel stirrings down between her legs where an inactive vibrator was now nestled and magnetised to her panties.

An inactive vibrator that, thanks to an internet connection, Trent could trigger from literally anywhere in the world.

He sighed and leaned his head against hers, "So... You're not going to actually tell me what it does, are you? You want me to just try it and see, right?"

She nodded, and cuddled against his side contentedly. Then she frowned and grabbed her tablet, pulling up a recipe and showing it to him.

"You want potato salad for lunch, after your session?"

She nodded.

He frowned for a moment, "Not sure if we've got all the ingredients for the one I usually make... And I am pretty sure you're just trying to avoid the question. But, I'll try to make it... So... What about talking about your butt made you give me this?"

She grinned cheekily at him.

Trent sighed and turned the device onto the lowest setting.

Mia let out a contented sound as she felt the gentle buzz against her clit. It wasn't enough to make her moan or groan, but it did feel nice.

He raised an eyebrow, "That... Was pretty immediate. So, I guess this can get your attention. Somehow. What the hell does it actually do?"

She'd been looking forward to watching him freakout about this. Mia stood up, and stood in front of him. Trent shrugged, watching.

Mia reached down, and slowly pulled up the edge of her skirt. Trent went to look away, at first, but she didn't need to wait for long for him to take a glance.

She tapped the little display on the outside of her panties, showing the speed number on it.

Trent went bright red, and Mia clapped excitedly, her face practically splitting in half. She grinned at him and dropped her skirt. She sidled up to him, and reached down to raise the level a point.

He coughed nervously, "You know, this isn't really giving me the time to think about stuff."

Mia made a pout and flopped down beside him. She leaned her head on his shoulder and looked pleadingly at him.

"I... I guess it isn't really doing anything." Trent said hesitantly, "And... You really like this idea? Me being able to mess with you whenever I want?"

She moved her head from side to side. Frowned, trying to think how to get the point across. Trent seemed to get it, "You like the feeling, and me being able to do it, but want me to respect it? Make it playful, but not abuse it."

Mia smiled and kissed his cheek.

It really was easy to love him, when he wasn't being all protective of her. With a little bit of training he was going to make for the perfect kind of boyfriend.

She'd successfully introduced some playful control into their relationship, and he didn't seem to be freaking out. Instead, she was cuddled against him as she slowly got wet.

Mia checked the time, made a sad face and then reached over and used the remote to turn it off. She stood up and grabbed her tablet, looking at him pointedly.

Trent gave a small laugh, "I'm not going to turn it on, when you're in the middle of a phone call."

She grinned at him, and then got another playful idea. She leaned down and gave him a proper kiss. Surprising him as she pressed their lips together and told him how much she loved him.

Right when he was about to get into it, she broke the kiss and headed off.

---

Once he had the ingredients together, it took Trent about ten minutes to make what she wanted for lunch. Which was mostly about waiting for the potatoes to cook.