Inevitable Pathway to Desire

"Please answer the question, Casey." She sighed.

My eyes darted back and forth between her pupils in distress, then trailed away as my mind was shell-shocked by the large question that brought more of them with it. My nose stuffed up and my eyes began to blur. I hid it by using a cold unbothered facial expression as a broken shield.

"Does it matter?..." I asked through a hurt voice.

I huffed angrily and pushed my glass aside as I quickly stood up. I forced open the sliding door and stormed down the steps, wiping wetness from my eye before it formed into a tear. I reached the back door and exited towards the beachfront. As I walked outside, 15 seconds later I heard the door open and close behind me.

"Casey, come back please."

I walked up to the sand not sure how far I would go before she caught up to me. In fact I didn't have a plan at all. I could only watch the moonlight shimmer along the dark expanse of the midnight sea.

The footsteps trudged through the sand and caught up to me.

"Hey! Casey, why did you walk away from me like that?" She asked, motioning to the back door while clearly hurt and offended, one cold response away from shedding a tear in frustration.

I closed my eyes and deeply exhaled.

"You know how that makes somebody feel when you just get up and walk away while they are talking to you? It's not nice. Can you please apologize?" She asked, clearly agitated.

I turned back to look at her, throwing my hands up in anxiousness.

"I'm sorry for walking away," I apologized quickly, "And I'm sorry for earlier. I just really don't feel comfortable with answering that right now."

"Why can't you just tell me? I just want to know the truth and feel that I should have the right to know what my friend thinks about me." She sternly explained.

"Because I don't know what the response is going to be like. And it's not something I've thought through."

"Really? You never thought about it? I find that hard to believe."

My defenses rose internally when she finished her proposition.

"So what does it matter then? Why is this so important to you?" I said, not noticing how much my hands flicked through the air

"Casey."

"Danielle, it is really not fair for you to come after this." My voice changed, stern and heavily guarded, "please leave this alone."

"Really? You're telling me it's not fair after all the signs you've shown and now you're trying to tell me to just leave it alone? The words you spoke when you were out on the beach comforting me, the mentioning of the thing in the car, changing your mind to come down here when you found out I was going and also what just happened not even five minutes ago! Come on, Casey, that doesn't come from nothing."

I felt attacked from a vulnerable position, placed directly in the hotseat and forced to defend myself.

"They're just... we're friends! We felt comfortable enough to talk about those things together and I was glad that my close friend was going to be here so I wouldn't feel alone. And earlier... I don't know how it happened, we had a few drinks and it just occurred. It felt right and I... I'm sorry."

"It's okay, Casey, I'm not mad at you. I just want to know where your head's at."

"Let's just not talk about those things, in the moment they're fine but bringing them up later like this just raises more questions.

"You've already raised those questions yourself! What is the harm in talking about it?" She slightly de-escalated her voice.

"Because I don't want to talk about it. It's not something that I want to entertain."

"Why?" She pressed.

"Because I don't have the mental fortitude to discuss my feelings for someone after I just got out of an irreparable relationship with someone that I am still irrationally in love with!"

The water began to fill, then slowly overflowed, breaching past my eyelids just before the end of that phrase. Immediately I could see her face change to a sympathetic expression, concerned and reactive to my catharsis.

"Casey, I'm sorry..." She apologized empathetically.

"This is... I can't believe you're asking me this so adamantly!"

"... Casey we don't have to talk about this right now if you don't want to," She assured me, "I just truly wanted to know."

"You're my friend," I caved, "a very good friend to me. I love talking to you, spending time with you and even just being around you. You're always present and there for me like I am with you. I just felt vulnerable and took the moment in front of me and you rejected me. Why can't we just leave it at that?"

"Because it doesn't stop there, Casey. That's what I'm trying to say and I just want you to be transparent and honest with me." She said, crossing her arms as she leaned forward to me.

"What do you mean it doesn't stop there? It needs to stop there, Danielle, because you're married!" I said, unintentionally raising my voice in frustration.

"So? I want to know how you feel! It's okay to talk about it! I want to reassure you, I'm your friend and I'm here to listen!"

"It's meaningless! How I feel doesn't matter, you stayed with Brad, you're working out your relationship. Clearly you're perfectly happy with him and it should stay that way."

"Perfectly happy? I never said I was perfectly happy with him, Casey!" She shot back, obviously offended.

"Well you must be if you stayed with him after all he did to you." I frustratingly stated.

"Casey." She started calmly but progressively heated up as vehemence brewed within her, "As your close friend, I love and care deeply for you, but please stop trying to claim that you know what makes me happy and don't you ever come after my marriage like that!"

"Well I'm sorry, Danielle. I'm sorry for being considerate and there for you. I'm sorry I can only be your friend on the sidelines while you devote your whole hearted self to someone who clearly doesn't reciprocate or appreciate you."

"What right do you have to come after that?! You don't get to decide whether I'm content or how I feel about my fucked up marriage! That is honestly so selfish of you!" She choked up as her eyes began to water.

"Fine then, I'll leave it alone just like we should've left this whole conversation alone."

"Putting aside your feelings and hiding them is very different from attacking somebody's relationship, Casey. You can't just repress how you feel forever. And you can't just claim that it's because you care to make it okay!"

"I do care about you, Danielle! You told me to tell you how I feel and I did just that, now you're saying I'm selfish and intruding on your marriage?! What's intrusive is how you tried to dig an answer out of me when I'm at an emotional breaking point. All I've wanted is for you to be happy and that's it. We are leaving it at that." I explained through an unmasked distressed tone.

"Then why did you try to kiss me?!" She stepped forward, resolute and determined to know the answer.

"Because I love-"

Fuck...

Fuck fuck fuck fuck, fuck.

I covered my mouth, then pinched the bridge of my nose, covering my face as I turned away. A vague noticeable silence followed with it.

"Oh my God, Casey..." She said compassionately and taken aback.

"It doesn't feel good to feel cornered and pressed into giving you the truth. It just hurts knowing that you really could have found this out in a more cordial way." I said.

"I've wanted to ask you this for a long time but you immediately got defensive and just danced around the question! Then you went after my relationship and I get that you were protecting yourself. But you wouldn't tell me the truth, how else was I supposed to know how you feel when you won't open up to me?!"

I paused, closing my eyes for a moment of clarity.

"Because when you love someone who doesn't feel the same way, it can hurt the relationship. And I didn't want that to happen to our friendship. But it seems like I've already done that..."

Her eyes watered like raindrops in the sun. I wiped away the tears from my cheeks and sniffled. We endured many moments of emotional silence that passed like the calming waves along the shore.

"I'm sorry, Danielle." I cried, "I'm really sorry. I have a lot to think about and I can't be here anymore. I'm going home tomorrow morning."

I stormed off, headed straight for my room to spend my crying fit.

"Casey, no!" She cried after me, stepping twice before her hands met her face and stopped short.

I entered my room and opened my suitcase, throwing in all of my clothes that I struggled to fold. I got partway through before I laid down and collapsed, sobbing into the bed.

I laid on my back, finally calmed down to attempt an accurate replay of what transpired. My strong emotional outpour jaded me to her still sympathetic expression of genuine concern and potentially caused certain details to become fuzzy. Attempting to fully recollect all the details, I foresaw that underneath her candid and brusque approach she truly beared an ingenuous heartfelt want to know. A want confined within her that ended up pouring out as she overflowed from the signs that enticed it. Signs that I showed her myself...

I closed my eyes, frustrated realizing how openly I showed such thoughts without clarifying them for her. An emotion that I pushed to the back of my mind in an attempt to put on a facade that it was negligible and insignificant. They simply poured out through my actions.

I felt like a terrible person for harboring my true feelings for her. She didn't deserve that. Now I've successfully caused tension in my own friendship and my vacation, potentially sabotaging both because I couldn't tell her the truth on my terms. That she had to dig it out of me and I couldn't simply man up and tell her the truth. All because I wanted to protect myself and my tornado of emotions.

After moments of deep breaths and calming, a knock sounded at the door.

"Casey?" Her soft voice called from the other side.

I weakly got up off the bed then slowly cracked the door. She'd been crying for the past hour.

"I wanted to talk to you for a little bit if that's okay?" She asked.

"You can always talk to me." I assured.

She came into the room and sat on the bed next to me, leaving the door open.

"I'm sorry I pried the way I did," She apologized, "It's just, you know how I feel about honesty."

"Yes I do." I nodded.

"And when you just got so defensive, I just kept pushing because part of me really wanted to know that there was something you were keeping secret from me, like you were pulling back on something you truly felt. And now I can see why you were so reserved about telling me and it wasn't right to push you that way."

"In your defense, I held in something that caused strain between us. And it's not right for me to do that to you. Especially since we're such great friends and I would want the same from you."

She looked on, the bed lamp reflected in her pupils like a tiny light in the distant night.

"Of course I would." She said.

"I'm sorry. I ruined everything."

"You didn't ruin anything, Casey."

She brushed me for comfort.

"Tomorrow you can take my car back and I'll hitch a ride with someone else when everybody leaves but please, I hope you will reconsider it. I want you to have a good time here with us. We all like having you here and... I would especially be happy with you here... without you I would just feel empty, cramped and alone at the same time. I enjoy our time together and I feel that you would too. When you're here, I feel safe and heard. Like I matter."

"Danielle, please..." I responded, "I adore that you say those things. But I feel like it's not right for us."

"Why not?"

"You know why. We've talked about it multiple times."

"Casey..." She said, brushing my shoulder, "if there's anything I want more in the world, it's for you to forget about that right now."

I closed my eyes and sighed deeply.

"You know I can't... I've wanted to and I wish I could... but-"

"Casey. Look at me."

I looked into her green eyes that gazed back at me, that small spark of light seemed to glimmer in her eyes.

"You make me feel confident." She whispered with clear diction. "And wanted."

Her hand softly brushed along my shoulder, captivating my attention to her.

"Am I wrong?" She whispered as her eyes darted between mine again.

"No." I assured.

"It's okay to feel what you're feeling, Casey." She said, brushing through my hair and drawing a blissful breath from my lungs.

My response sat in the chamber for far too long, so reluctant to fire until now. I lowered my guard and let it fly.

"I want you to want me." I whispered benevolently.

Her eyes looked at me, down to my lips, then back again. Her thumb stealthily brushed up against my jawline, caressing my cheek. Like a natural reflex, I leaned forward and closed my eyes.

We joined together, softly and slowly clasping together with tender light pecks as my heart increased, sending a rush throughout my entire body. I felt invigorated by her touches and kissed her like I loved her.

And I did.

To my misfortune, the damage from my past crept up underneath, waiting to strike at the slightest hint of a dwindle in my euphoric daze that encapsulated my soul in a safe haven when we kissed.

We slowly released and my eyelids slowly opened, gradually revealing her gorgeous face.

"I'm sorry." I apologized, quietly putting my hand against my forehead, "I'm not ready for that yet. I need some time to think. I'll be up at 8 to decide if I want to stay or leave."

"It's okay I understand," she said, touching my shoulder, "take your time and think about it. If you need anything, you can always find me upstairs or text me."

"Thank you." I said.

Her hand dragged off my clothes as she stood up to leave the door. She turned to close it slowly, our eyes never left until it shut.

I crawled into bed and turned onto my side, my last thoughts before drifting into the soft dreamscape now full of frustrated sadness.

I truly loved Danielle. Before Becky and I broke up, I had set in my mind that we would remain close friends with natural chemistry and remained amicable with the path life had drawn out before us and then forked when it came to our loved ones.

But with both of those pathways now broken or showing nothing but bleakness ahead, it naturally left us peering down an unexpected clearing that seemed safer and much more welcoming.

Underneath the grief and lack of self-worth I suffered from, even the smallest thought of it sparked excitement within me. If only I could find the time to recover and flourish, ready to love again.

***

Marigold morning light streamed in through the blinds, the shadowed lines projected along the walls. The rising golden globe in the sky sparkled through the obstructing window frame, illuminating the sheets as my eyelids opened. I heard the ambient melody of chirping birds and sea breeze.

I pulled the blankets off me, looking at the suitcase on the floor I had packed last night. Second thoughts of staying flooded into my mind. I checked the time: 8:15 am the clock read.

I laid back in my bed, arms on my stomach deep in thought.

I remembered Danielle coming into the bedroom late at night. The thoughts of her curvy body entered back into my head. Her perfectly sunkissed medium golden skin and the way she smiled at me with her freckled cheeks remained vivid in the forefront of my mind.

The thoughts continued to branch uncontrollably. From an innocent smile to flashbacks of her exiting the pool as the water ran down her body. The way she moved it to the music, unbothered about the attention she received. Her pretty green eyes, less than a foot away when she talked to me. Her tender touches. Her probing hints in the car. And her lovely kiss that honestly felt so validating.

Slowly did the visual and emotional thoughts creep into my conscious, drawing the natural reaction to reach down and touch myself. I slid my hand underneath my shorts and began to stimulate myself to the thought of her, disconnected from the outside pressures that could follow.

My lungs allowed a deep breath of cool air, comfortably settling in on the bed. I continued for minutes, closing my eyes and licking my lips.

This was fine. It's only inside my mind. Just me and my thoughts.

Knock knock knock

I gasped, sitting up in bed and pulling up the covers. The knocks startled me despite their gentle sound.

"Casey?" Danielle's voice called from behind the door.

"Yeah?" I replied.

"Can I talk to you for a minute?"

"Yeah, hold on. I'm coming, give me a sec." I said, throwing the blankets off before putting on sweatpants and a fit T-shirt.

I opened the door, realizing she had already walked away. I traveled down the hall and entered the oddly quiet spacious living room.

I froze still with my lips parted slightly. I took in a long shuddering breath at the sight my eyes had just locked onto.

Danielle's straight blonde hair fell over a cashmere cardigan, the hem bordering just above her golden curvy upper thighs. Matching colored thigh highs pulled up to her knees, providing her calves nice definition through the material. The top of the cardigan revealed a small amount of cleavage although the fabric outlined the shapely spherical curvature of her breasts, perfectly shaded underneath. Her green eyes glanced at me, her expression confident and serene.

"Hi, Casey."

"Hi." I replied, unable to hide my wandering eyes.

"I figured I'd dress relaxed and nice for a change. Do you like it?" She asked, tilting her head towards the beaming sunlight as she kept her glance towards me.

I nodded as my eyelashes fluttered.

"I do," I whispered, awestruck and stunned.

"Good."

She confidently sauntered towards me as my unrelenting gaze never left. I never stepped away or flinched. My heart beat faster and faster the closer she approached and the finer details of her face became apparent.

Now she stood in front of me, slowly and delicately reaching for my elbow. Her thumb calmly rubbed along my arm as I stood there, starstruck by her appearance.

"Did Brad leave?" I asked.

"Mmhmm." She replied.

"When is he coming back?"

She looked up into my eyes as the sun lit her irises, carefully detailing the green strands interwoven with golden ones. Her straight hair flipped behind her.

"Who knows?"

Those green-golden eyes darted back and forth between mine, gazing deep into my own. I allowed her to close the distance, unbothered by the fleeting space between us.

"Can I convince you to stay? Just for a few minutes?" The words left her mouth like rhythmic staccato breeze blowing the curtains in. Her gentle fingers curled and traced along my chest as those emerald eyes gleamed at me.

"I'll stay as long as you want." I admitted.

She stared for a long time, making mere seconds seem like minutes. Then she closed her eyes and stepped forward, kissing my lips as I stared in shock, blinking rapidly and instilling a quiet alertness within me. Our noses rubbed together as I reflexively reciprocated, drawing a deep breath upon her soft tender contact.

Several seconds passed with my eyes wide open as if frozen. I noticed her blissful closed eyes as she compelled me to join. Slowly she drained the worry from my mind, revealing the hidden want inside me. She naturally and ever so carefully coaxed it out of me with her electrifying care. I accepted her kisses at a fierce pace from the start. Both our hands grasped each other's soft freckled cheeks.

She pressed the action, pulling me in as her arms traveled up my strong delts. Despite the sudden sensation, her silky warm lips brought me to a comfortable and safe place.

"Danielle," I whispered through our trance.