Inevitable Pathway to Desire

I took a deep breath, closing my eyes to reorient my thoughts before slowly letting it leave my lungs. My heartbeat returned to a calming pace ever so gradually as I successfully fought the painful memory back.

When I opened my eyes, I quickly clicked the picture and selected Delete, unable to prevent one last painful glimpse at the picture of her and I. The last time I remembered our love existed so strongly.

"Missed one." I thought, exasperatedly placing the phone down onto the tan leather seat as I returned my gaze up to the tinted glass window. bright blue sky, clouds streaked across like light marigold paint strokes.

The sun shone a prism through the tinted window, forcing me to squint from its dazzling brightness. The evening orange sunlight painted the long expanse of sand with a bright coral pink. Emerald green grasstops swayed atop the pale untouched sand mounds, the blades reflected a goldenrod yellow courtesy of the setting sun.

"You alright, my man?" Drew asked, concerned from the seat next to me.

I responded with a cordially faint smirk with my cheek.

"I'm on vacation so I'm golden." I responded with a friendly smile.

"Aye, you're telling me. Glad you could make it out here boss."

Drew's hand respectfully patted my shoulder and I vocalized an acknowledging huff.

"Yeah, man. I was afraid you weren't going to be able to come out!" Neil said, glancing over from the driver's seat as the sun quickly sparkled off his sunglasses.

"Haha, thanks boys. No way I'd skip out on a trip to the Outer Banks, especially with you guys."

"Tsk, see, how can somebody not love this man?" Drew stated.

"Sure! If I wasn't married I'd probably go for it. Make us into the ultimate power couple!" Neil joked.

Abby, Neil's wife, smacked his arm with her book prompting laughter from everyone.

"Thanks guys. We can pump the brakes on that just a little bit." I said.

"Hey man, listen, anyone who doesn't value you is a waste of time. You deserve someone who will give you that, don't you forget it." Drew encouraged.

I nodded and huffed respectfully and continued scanning out on the beach, wishing I could see the truth in his encouraging words.

"You know Danielle went through the same thing pretty recently." Drew whispered discreetly.

"I know," I nodded at him, "she actually talked to me about that for a bit. She didn't say exactly what it was but I could tell."

"She talked to you about it? Oh man, Kayla really wasn't supposed to tell us but we kinda found out through her so this stays between me and you." Drew said, motioning his hand towards me and back to his chest.

"Word gets around so fast, right?" I said.

"Hey listen, I wanted to make you feel better, you know what I'm saying? I would never have told you that otherwise, you feel me?"

"You're full of it," I joked as we busted out in laughter.

"See? These are the lengths I go through to help my friends out. Look how they treat me." Drew joked, drawing smiles from everyone.

"No, seriously, I appreciate what you're doing," I assured him, "and it doesn't go unnoticed. Thank you."

"Hey man, it's what I'm here for." He said, pleasantly slapping me on the back, "we gonna have a good time."

We arrived at the beach house, a pastel colored gray house beautifully lined with white porch railings. Perfectly trimmed hedges lined the property alongside flat green grass. Sand wrapped around the sides directly to the wavy ocean behind. The upper two floors had wide blue-tint windows allowing generous amounts of light to stream in. Inside was visible enough to see some of the interior with a chandelier in the foyer. The colors illuminated a different and variable bright shade depending on the time of day.

Two other cars were already parked in the driveway, a silver BMW X5 and a black Jeep. Once we pulled in, my close friend Danielle traveled down the stairs with her friend, Sandy. Her husband, Brad, followed with another guy I hadn't met before. We climbed out to meet them. Hugs and greetings were exchanged between everyone.

"Aye, what's up brotha? I'm Joe." He greeted me.

"Casey. Nice to meet you."

"Casey!" A familiar voice called out.

I looked up to see Danielle dashing towards me and my heart jumped at her excitement.

Danielle had straight warm bright blonde hair that fell past her shoulders. Her pretty green eyes reminded me of the sandy grass dunes with the depths of the ocean. She had a button nose and contagious smile. She also had a curvy body type and took great care of her health.

"Casey, you decided to come?! Aw I'm so glad you did! Why didn't you tell me?" She said excitedly as we embraced.

"I made a last minute decision, I decided I should stop being miserable and spend time with everyone so here I am." I expressed happily.

"Awh I'm happy you decided to come down, we're gonna have a good time so don't you worry. Seriously, thank you for coming."

"Hey man," Brad, her husband, walked up and grabbed my hand, "appreciate you for coming. Hope you have fun."

"Thank you sir," I shook his hand. The whole phenomenon with his demeanor left an unspoken and very subtle tension between us. I brushed it off in my mind, willing to keep things cordial in case he decided to increase the tension, no matter how small.

"Hey everyone." I greeted. They received me with open arms.

We settled into the house and luckily I had a room to myself. It didn't overlook the ocean but it did point towards the morning sunrise from the front. I unpacked and walked up to the spacious kitchen where many voices echoed throughout.

"Hi! It's so nice to finally meet you!" Kayla, Danielle's best friend, said while surprising me with a hug.

"You too! Thank you for having me." I said.

"See?" Kayla said before leaning into Danielle's ear, "I like him better already."

She spoke softly but loud enough for me to make out the important key words. I quickly widened my eyes when I took notice of the sudden comment.

"Alright, enough." Danielle said exasperatedly, "Hey, I ordered the pizza from Luigi's. Wanna come with me to pick it up?"

"Absolutely, I'm in." I obliged.

We climbed into the BMW X5 and backed out of the long driveway. Long stretches of untouched weathered sand dunes and oceanic expanse scrolled by. The sky had been painted with various shades of blue, gray and red.

Danielle wore a black tank top, covering her chest entirely leaving only room for her gleaming collarbones, golden neck, and shoulders to show. However, her glowing skin underneath the material provided hints to the imagination. A standard white D cup bra also outlined underneath.

"How are you doing?" Danielle asked me.

"I could be better honestly," I replied, "just trying to get through it one day at a time. But I'm happy I'm here."

She acknowledged my feelings and subtly implied she felt the same.

"The same goes for me. You know I'm here if you ever want to talk about it." She assured me.

"Sure, there will definitely be a time for that," I said, "I'm here for you too, don't forget that."

She nodded as her eyes trailed to the floor.

Upon arrival, the staff informed us it will take another 20 minutes. We walked back to the car and sat inside to wait. I observed the overcast cool gray colors looming over the waters by the docks.

"Gosh, I'm sorry about Kayla." She said, shaking her head.

"No, it's fine." I casually waved it off.

"She's just blunt like that. Leave it to her to say something that forward, right?"

"I know! Kinda like Tanya at the Christmas meet?" I said.

Her neck fell backwards into the seat as she laughed quietly and her foot kicked forward resting on the dashboard.

"You remember that?" I asked, unable to contain my smile.

"Yes, I do," she said, chuckling about it.

Tanya arrived at a Christmas party with one of Danielle's relatives last year. She knew barely anyone before walking in. Tanya heard Danielle had just been married so she walked up while the two of us conversed in the living room and said something that left us bewildered.

"Hi! Congratulations on your marriage! Aww you two will make such beautiful babies."

Instantly we both looked at each other aghast, then nervously contained our laughter as Danielle explained I wasn't the husband. Thinking back on it, I realized that I couldn't blame her from the way that the situation looked. We were talking in the living room while other people conversed in the kitchen, not noticing the sun had gone down and drained the light from the living room. It setup the scene to look like we talked secretly in private. We felt comfortable talking to each other and never made note of how close we stood.

"I mean you would've thought that regardless, anybody would." I said, spewing up a hot take.

"I know!" She said, placing her fingers behind her head before neurotically brushing it and her light blonde hair waved through the air.

I sat there, pondering the daydream for a second. My brain attempted to morph our faces together, then picture the details on a child's face.

"Honestly that's so true though." She remarked, breaking my train of thought.

My enlarged eyes snapped over to her and my mouth shot open, baffled by the sudden confirmation.

"You think so?" I asked intently, leaning on the armrest.

She let out another laugh, bouncing off the windshield inside the airtight vehicle.

"I mean come on," she said, gesturing with her hand, "It's just a fact."

"Why do you say that?" I entertained the thought.

Danielle thought for a moment before giving her answer.

"Because, look at me. I'm gorgeous. I could make anyone's children look good." She replied, preening her hair again.

"Aww you..." I retorted, picking up and tossing a neck pillow at her, "what are you trying to say? I have good features too!" I teased as she chuckled.

"Hmmm no not saying that, just not as much as me." She said, facing out the window as her fingers continued to comb through her hair.

"Oh my God, you are so full of it. You know, they'll still get that voice that you do when you get mad."

"What voice??" She asked, turning to me as her hand paused halfway through combing her hair. She readied a response as her hair slowly fell from her still fingers.

"It's the twang you put into it when you yell, you act like a country girl. Also when your cheeks flush really red when you're getting upset or drinking too much wine."

"I do not! They don't get that red." She laughed, "I'm part Irish, leave me alone."

"You know what, next time they do get that red I'm gonna say you look like a smacked ass cheek."

Both her eyes and mouth made the shape of large O's. More hair slipped from her still fingers.

"You are such an ass, you know that?" She laughed.

"You see the color of that red mustang over there? That's how red you get."

"Shut up, Casey," she said, humorously pushing on my arm, "you're asking for it. See that guy in the store, staring with his mouth wide open?"

She pointed at a teenager inside, staring blankly with his mouth open while waiting at the counter.

"See the face that kid's making? That's you when YOU drink."

"No, don't say that! Hey, didn't you used to date a guy that looked like him too?"

"You little..." She paused, the specific type of hesitation that made you expect a very elevated response or harsh insult, "at least I don't spill tequila on myself after 3 shots."

"Settle down." I laughed.

"You settle down." She snarked.

"Oh they're stacking the boxes. Looks like that's ours. I'm gonna go pick it up. While I'm at it, should I ask your ex-boyfriend over there if he recognizes you?"

"Not uh! You will do no such thing!" She said.

"I'm gonna do it."

"CASE-"

The door shut as I giggled uncontrollably, flashing an obnoxious 'gotcha' face to her. I picked up the boxes and pretended to get the kid's attention. As soon as I sat on the passenger seat, a pillow beamed me in the face.

"Did you really talk to that guy?!" She asked frantically.

"You mean your boyfriend? You bet I did."

"You liar, you're such a douche." She giggled.

"Yeah, he said every time he drives his red mustang, it reminds him of you."

The pillow projectiled towards me again. We bantered and laughed all the way to the house.

***

I planted my feet into the sand and sat. My eyes made note of the gorgeous horizon, however the creeping feeling of grief overshadowed my ability to admire its beauty as overcast clouds seemed to roll towards the sea.

The pain of lost love sunk into my heart and overtook me. A feeling that I had fought back as if pushing a snowball up a hill. But all emotions must come out in some way or another.

My head met my hands and I began to cry. I cried for the loss. I grieved for the time invested in love that sought to end and the lovely person I once thought existed. I wept for the love that remained in my heart before eventually fading into obscurity.

"It wasn't fair..." I said to myself, "I did nothing wrong..."

I sobbed away from everyone so they didn't have to feel concerned for me. I feared I could never find love again and that I wasn't deserving of it.

"How could she have done this to me and act as if she didn't care?"

All questions that may or may not never be answered in time. Burning questions that pained me knowing I may not get an answer, leaving me with my own thoughts.

***

I walked back inside and joined everyone when I had calmed down. I felt much better once the smell of sweet barbecue chicken, burgers and charcoal filled the air. As the sun had long set over the horizon, we gathered around the firepit. I sat between Kayla and Danielle.

The firepit casted an orange flickering glow on everyone's faces as we gathered around. The fresh barbecue satisfied us and we washed it down with some great wine.

"Mmm really tasty! Wonder what the secret is." Kayla exclaimed.

"They probably use really good wine berries for it." I said.

"A wineberry???" Danielle questioned loudly, "you mean grapes?!"

"Yeah! Of course, that's what I mean," I joked, "they put other berries in wine besides just grapes too, you know. That's what I mean by wineberries."

"You are so duuuumbb!" She jested, leaning close to me.

"Who needs brains when you got beauty?" I boasted, beaming back at her.

"Shuddup, wineberry." She branded me with the nickname instantly, also playfully pushing my shoulder.

"Danielle." Brad's voice called from next to Joe.

"What?" She replied.

Brad just stared side-eyed at her. She squinted her eyes back at him, irritated and confused.

"My God, Brad," she whispered under her breath.

"What?" I asked.

"I think Brad's bothered by the way she's touching you," Kayla whispered over to me.

I glanced over at Danielle, seemingly offended that she addressed it.

"He's just being dramatic," Danielle said.

"Don't know why he's mad, he already got to do way more than that." Kayla said under her breath.

"What?" Danielle asked. She couldn't quite catch it but I did.

I looked over at Kayla and mouthed her name wide-eyed as if telling her to be careful.

"Sorry," She apologized, "doesn't mean it's not true though."

"Let me try some more of that cabernet," I requested.

"Sure," Danielle said, grabbing the bottle.

I held the glass up and she tilted the neck.

"More! More!" I said.

"It's Drew's wine! He doesn't want you drinking it all!" She said.

"Nah it's alright, there's a lot more in the house, go ahead." Drew said.

Danielle forcibly grabbed my forearm to bring the glass closer to her.

"Scuse you," I said.

"I'm gonna spill it if you don't hold your hand out like a normal person!" She said.

The glass continued to fill at an alarming rate.

"Okay, that's good. That's good! Stop, you're gonna spill it!" I said.

She ended up filling the glass to the brim and laughed at me.

"Oh good job! You'd be a terrible Olive Garden waitress! Let's see if I can drink this without spilling it all over!"

Danielle cackled in response.

"You said you wanted more!!"

I attempted to sip off the top while everyone watched. The smallest jerk caused some wine to spill on me, causing Danielle to cackle at me again.

"See? This is what you do." I joked.

Danielle leaned as she laughed, using my thigh as a brace.

"Dani. What's going on?" Brad said.

"My God, what is the problem?!" Danielle leaned up and raised her volume at him, having already retracted her hand.

"Well I dunno, it just seems like you're getting kinda handsy with him, that's all."

"Wh-Brad! He's fine. Stop being weird over it." She replied.

Not the best word to use...

I walked away to avoid the conflict. As I stared towards the glowing fire for a couple minutes, footsteps approached closer to me.

"What's up, man?" Brad said.

"Hey." I quickly responded, unbothered by him directly facing me.

"You know, you and Danielle seem to be really good friends, more so than I remember."

We were good friends before she even met you dude.

"Yeah I guess you could say that."

"I see. So uh, the whole touching thing. Has she always done that with you?"

Brad didn't show a very threatening posture but I also didn't like to take chances. The guy was an inch or two taller than me but if it came down to it, he didn't seem like a guy who got in a lot of fights or won them for that matter. No, he was a talker, the worst kind.

I peered back up at him in response, squinting in defense. If he wants to draw me into a confrontation, this is the way to do it.

"What touching thing?"

"The touching, you know like this type of touching," he demonstrated by squeezing his own biceps.

I shook my head in annoyance.

"Come on, I don't even notice that she's doing it.

"Well don't you think that's just a little too handsy? I mean from my perspective it just seems like she's overly comfortable with you."

"Look, this sounds like something you should take up with her. I really don't like getting dragged into this."

"Man relax, I'm not trying to insinuate anything. I'm just asking could you mind your distance a little bit?"

"Why do I have to mind MY distance?... Fine, okay, sure. If it makes you feel more secure then I'll do it."

"What?"

"I said, if it makes you feel more secure-"

"No no, why'd you say it like that? You think I'm not secure in our relationship just because she's sitting next to you, touching you and feeling you up, is that what you're trying to say?"

"Dude," I put my hand up and created some distance, "I'm willing to respect your relationship as I always have but I'm telling you right now, I don't like the way you're coming at me with this."

"I'm not coming at you in any way. I'm just telling you to respect our space. What's so hard about that?"

"Okay, if you have a problem with it and that will make you feel better then I'll do it. Other than that, it's not me initiating the touching so I don't know what you want from me." I replied, slightly more heated this time.

"Respect our space. It's simple." He snarked.

"It's respected." I claimed, facing forward and away from him.

Brad stared for a few seconds, then huffed in vexation as he walked away.

"Yeah well, you're receiving it pretty openly." He jabbed on the way over to his chair.

I silently shook my head and took a swig from my glass. I sat back down, immediately catching another stare from Brad as if he expected me to move my chair or sit somewhere else. Not going to happen.

"Hey, what did Brad talk to you about?" Kayla asked.

"How Danielle laughs too loud and it's the reason why he's sitting over there."

"Hahaha!" Danielle unironically laughed loudly in response.

My body tensed when I saw her head slowly lean onto my shoulder and her hand grabbed my bicep.

"Yo, I told you," Brad pointed in a drunken manner. Immediately I looked up as every nerve in my body sprung to prepare me for the worst.