Invisible String

She was laughing. "You're way too funny!"

I chuckled and picked one of my favourite watches and placed it on my desk. Then I went on to give the sleeves of my shirt a master roll. I liked that particular roll a lot. And the particular maroon dress shirt I wore that day: the pattern on the insides of its collar and the insides of its cuff was similar. Hence the master roll of sleeves made sense.

After rolling up my sleeves, I put on my watch.

While I did that Danielle said, "Even I was gonna select this very watch ya know... Wait...."

Danielle came closer and adjusted my master sleeve roll a little and made the both sides look symmetric. "Yeah, now it looks good..." Did I mention symmetricity turns me on?

"Nuh uh, perfect!" She smiled at that.

I opened a food app on my phone with a few good places and gave it to her. It also had that Italian place which we earlier visited -- and I guess liked too.

"How 'bout that Italian place Andrew took us?" She asked.

"Works for me. Let me reserve a table for two." I said and made the necessary reservations using that food apps.

"Thanks... nice place by the way..." Danielle said.

Already feeling very bold, I looked directly in her eye, held the look for a second and replied, "Became nicer today...."

She smiled blushing a little and said, "Let's get moving now, shall we?"

"Yes Ma'am" I gave her a salute while doing the thing with my legs that is done while saluting.

She shook her head -- with her smile threatening to break out -- and quipped, "Theodore!"

We both smiled and got out of the apartment. I locked it. And re-checked the lock -- the act earned me a chuckle from her. We made our way to our car and were on our way to that Italian place.

I'm supposed to be a healthy and fit man: heart rate, blood pressure and similar stuff were supposed to be perfectly normal... however, upon reaching the restaurant, as I opened the door for Danielle, she took my hand to get out of the seat. At that moment my heart rate and blood pressure went ballistic. How nice would it be, if cardiologists could even tend to matters of "heart" and not just "matters of heart...."

We held hands until I gave my car to the valet. I was slowly but steadily losing my mind -- which I'd already lost way back. That touch generated electric current and that's why all I can say is I was "shocked!"

We got to our table post washing our hands and placed our respective orders.

"Teddy, do you not eat meat? I do not remember seeing you eat any meat..." Danielle asked as the waiter left with our orders.

"Yes, I do not consume any kind of meat or even eggs."

"Oh interesting... you know what, even Natalie, my six-year old daughter doesn't like to consume any kind of meat or eggs. She says if her food is derived my taking the lives of innocent animals, she'd starve instead of eating...."

My world was starting to fall apart. Danielle most likely would be married since she mentioned of a daughter. Yes, I'd never stopped myself from falling in love with her; yes, that love was one-sided, and I'd decided to not act on it, but knowing the truth that Danielle would be off-limits for me... well that truth was brutal....

I composed myself very quickly. "I'd definitely second Natalie's reasoning there..." I replied while my brain was doing thinking of its own.

"Speaking of which, since now the audit closure is not far, I can imagine your excitement to meet Natalie and her Dad..." I continued.

"Well, there's no Dad, but I definitely can't wait to hug that ankle-biter."

"I'm Sorry...." Even though my reply indicated otherwise, my happiness knew no bounds post hearing Danielle say that there was no Dad.

The hope, which the information that Princess Leia uploaded in Artoo, generated for the erstwhile Republic couldn't even hold a candle to the hope, which that small piece of information that Danielle inadvertently gave me, generated for my life. I considered myself to be a shameless fucker for being that elated and that hopeful.

"Hey, no issues Teddy... Ah look our food is here."

She continued, "So, tell me about yourself Teddy?"

I was feeling particularly bold and gave her a cocky reply.

"Art of identifying misstatements in the financial statements is a beautiful dance. As a devotee of that art, I earnestly endevaour to choreograph...."

"Can you speak in common tongue!?"

I gave her a patronizing grin.

Danielle continued, "Got any girlfriends?"

Things were starting to get interesting and I was getting cockier and more patronizing... innocent and good patronizing and not obnoxious and vain patronizing....

I quickly pulled out my phone, opened a PDF file which was a compilation of accounting standards and gave it to her.

"Here... we are in a committed relationship."

Danielle while looking over my phone scratched the imaginary beard on her chin using her index finger.

"You say you guys are in a committed relationship. Hmm... don't think so... she's my lover too!"

I snatched the phone from her and while giving the screen a disappointed look, said, "And I thought we were exclusive... I said no to tax standards and valuation standards for you...."

Danielle laughed wholeheartedly at that. I was looking at her and could look at her like that for eternity....

"So, do you live alone? What about family?" she asked, bringing me out of my trance.

"I'm the only child of my Parents. And I'm the only one alive in my family and have been alone since junior year of high school...."

"I'm so sorry Ted...."

I was feeling a little sad and I guess it showed on my face. There was a small uncomfortable silence and none of us seemed ready to break it.

But it was Danielle who finally did it when she asked me, "So what's the deal with Theodore? Why do you like Ted or Teddy so much?"

That question opened the flood gates.

"Growing up I somehow didn't like the name Theodore. Were my Parents sadists? If they weren't then why'd they choose to name me Theodore? I was confident they derived an insane amount of pleasure from the pain 'Theodore' inflicted on me considering the sing-songy voice which they always used while reciting my name. Never once did they consider calling me Ted, a name I bestowed on myself, or Teddy, as some of the girls liked to. This purported pain, however, felt more and more delicious over time. All-in-all, the whole ordeal was supremely fun though and it became one of the most cherished memories of my life.

"I loved my Parents more than my next breath and next heartbeat. God, however, seemed to love them more than me and wanted them all to himself. He didn't love me enough to like my company and therefore let me rot on this sphere he created which we, so happily, call a planet....

"And Theodore, the name became incredibly special to me. Like precious jewellery. Now if one owns an extremely expensive item of delicate jewellery, that someone won't wear it every day, right? Theodore, the name is that item of extremely expensive delicate jewellery to me."

She took my hand in hers and said, "I'm really sorry Ted... I can't imagine the pain you might've gone through...."

Once the flood gates are opened the water doesn't care about the wellbeing of the village, does it? I just couldn't bring myself to stop then.

"I briefly considered relieving myself of my breaths and heartbeats as life without them wasn't a life worthy to be lived. However, I had an epiphany. If I would go through with my original plan, I'd do something which would make them terribly sad. And something which would make my Parents terribly sad is something I would never do.

"It's incredibly hard to move on. But people do move on, but I never did. I was living in a vacuum. Despite what unfolds the stream of life continues to flow. It continues to flow till it amalgamates in the ocean of death. You cannot beat a river into submission. You have to surrender to its current and use its power as your own if you want to stay afloat. I know controlling by surrendering control? That doesn't make any sense. But, not everything does. Not everything has to. Basically, all that, is just to say, I decided to stay afloat in the river of life till it takes me to the ocean of death where I would meet my makers, my 'rents...."

Just as I started to realize how much of my emotional baggage I was unloading on her, Danielle said, "I'm glad you didn't decide what you originally thought. But you said you were alone since around junior high, that must've been a very volatile time, right?"

"Indeed, it was. I was an emotional minefield. I still am. I was clueless -- lost in a dark room. Sometimes still am. Basically, all I knew was I had to survive. To stay afloat. Slowly things kinda figured themselves out. Things weren't that smooth, but life continues, and it did for me as well.

"I was educated in the basics of personal finance, thanks to my folks. The life insurance proceeds ensured I had a life devoid of any other hardships. Finance and commerce became my favourites and I devoted a lot of time gathering knowledge in those domains. I also developed a liking for Law. Time flew and I found myself becoming a Chartered Accountant and a Certified Public Accountant. And found Accounting and auditing to be my calling. However, I also developed a vested interest in tax and regulatory laws and company law as well.

"Our firm is my first employer and I've been here for three years now. During the starting years I was assigned in the audits of small businesses and companies. It was not until recently that I started working on listed entities' audit. And that's how I find myself, at twenty-four, enjoying auditing listed companies...."

Mild anxiety and that all too familiar fear of scaring off a person started kicking in as I finished telling too much about myself by overstaying my welcome. And Danielle did have that all too familiar 'burdened' look on her face. I mean if it wasn't there then I was hallucinating. I know one from experience how strong I come across and scare people off -- people as in not just to-be friends, but to-be lovers. It feels bad when people want to retain that "to-be" status in their companionship with me because of my emotional baggage which starts to overflow as I try to open-up.

Even in this case, that all too familiar fear of my companionship being limited to be a mere acquaintance was constantly hovering at the back of my mind. Yes, I'm not normal, but the lack of a companion with whom you can talk about random shit, minute musings and also heavy emotional stuff -- even in the middle of the night -- hurts. Bad.

I was kinda relieved when Danielle subtly changed the subject. "Twenty-four -- that's too much experience for twenty-four..." she said.

"Well I feel like I've lived eight extra years and feel like thirty-two already!" I quipped to lighten the mood.

"You don't look thirty-two. You don't look just one-year younger to me!" she countered.

"I'm not sure about that, but I'm definitely sure you look younger than me!"

"Flattery won't get you anywhere!" she said with an expression of feigned indignation on her face.

"From when did stating facts become flattery?" I asked rhetorically.

"Oh, stop it Teddy!" she said flicking my hand slightly.

During the entire duration of our lunch from there on, Danielle expertly navigated the conversation to a non-somber path. We were actively discussing various accounting and auditing aspects.

Once we were done eating, Danielle, ignoring my express disapproval, took the check.

"I remember you talking about Dr. Strange back at your place earlier today, so you into Marvel movies?" she asked as we were waiting for my car.

"Yup. Marvel. And also, DC. Add Star Wars, Indiana Jones and Nolan's movies to that list as well."

"Niiice... Even I like 'em all... Nolan's movies more than the others..."

My car arrived and we broadly discussed the movies which we liked during the entire drive.

Once we reached her hotel, I coyly said, "I can no other answer make but thanks, and thanks, and ever thanks..."

"Even I'd quote Shakespeare, but I'm unable to think of a 'You're Welcome' equivalent quote! But thanks to you too, I had a really nice time. Bye... See you Monday..." she smilingly replied.

"Till then then..." I said as our eyes locked and took my leave.

Despite my fears about scaring Danielle off, something felt different about her. Something which was full of hope. That all too familiar hope I associate with her.

At home laying on my bed and waiting for sleep to envelope my senses, I could clearly feel my nostrils draw air in and then push it out. When air was drawn in it sounded like 'Dani-' and when air was pushed out of them, it sounded like '-Elle'. I fell asleep with my ears hearing the chants of Danielle's name which my body was making.

------------

Monday, working with Danielle, felt different. I mean it was no different than the days we worked together, but that particular Monday, I could feel some chemistry between us. Dare I say attraction... it was like some force was pulling us together.

We held our gazes just a fraction of a second longer whenever our eyes locked. Whenever our fingers accidentally touched while passing files, the touches lingered just a fraction of a second more. There was that little look, that little smile, that little warmth. It wasn't much different from the regular days, but it surely felt different. Really good.

Speaking of chemistry, it wouldn't be good to ignore physics. Apart from the fact that physics is one of the most beautiful subjects of the universe I do not remember anything about physics (Or chemistry for that matter). However, that force between us somehow remined me of gravity. I know it doesn't make much sense, but in that moment, I was thinking about gravity being a physical translation of the feeling of being in love.

There was chemistry between us. Somehow, I was also able to get physics in my scheme of feelings. And at that moment I couldn't stop my body from craving some biology. Physics, chemistry and biology being discussed in the context of love... well, what a heart thinks and feels: it can't be viewed through the lens of logic, can it? Love is the most logical thing which defies logic....

By the end of the day (11:00 PM in the night!) we were ready for the audit committee meeting on Tuesday. We thought of messaging Bill and Andrew about the same, but as they were in Andrew's cabin we dropped in and informed them personally.

I was already feeling a little different that day. So, I took a little bold(ish) step. Remembering Danielle liked it the other day, did a master sleeve roll on my pale pink formal dress shirt. On a weekday!

I forgot to roll the sleeve back down before entering Andrew's cabin.

"What mister I don't think you're supposed to roll your sleeves up on a weekday? Bill teased.

"I... Uhmm... it's 11:00 no..." was all I could muster.

"Oh... stop pulling his leg Bill" Andrew said with a laugh threatening to break out.

We all had a small laugh at that, and Danielle and I took our leave. Outside the cabin Danielle did that "Tsk... Tsk..." head-shake, and I shrugged my shoulders while blushing.

I dropped Danielle at her hotel. Before heading inside, she said, "Good night... see you tomorrow post lunch."

Even I repeated the same.

Then Danielle, in a husky voice, said, "Say till then then..."

I was blushing furiously. "Till then then..." I said while doing so.

------------

The audit committee meeting was a smooth sail. We got the financial statements of Z signed and started working on -- ahem -- audit documentation.

On Thursday, Danielle and I were reviewing the final file.

"Teddy, I'm unable to find the specialist work papers from the tax team. Can you get them on the file?" Danielle asked.

"Sure, I'll get it done."

"Okey-doke... thanks"

"Anytime..."

A senior associate, Andy, from our tax team was involved from tax in Z's audit. I called him up and he assured me he will get the work done by end of the day.

Andy, who was one of my relatively closer acquaintances, was making small talk after we discussed business.

Our conversation drifted to the employees of Z with whom we interacted the most during the audit.

"Ethan from tax is -- please excuse my language -- a dick! Paul from finance was a sweet-heart though..." Andy said.

"Well, I can't argue about that. I guess you did not speak with Joey. He was some talent. He's from accounting. And yeah, Silvia from operations team was also very helpful. And their tax head, Carol, she's a force to reckon with!"

"You say Silvia from operations?" Andy quizzed.

"Yup. Why you ask?"

"Well Silvia's my sister."

"The world is a small place!"

"Sure, seems that way... so, will that affect the auditor independence?" Andy quipped.

We both laughed hard at that. Shortly thereafter our call ended, and I apprised Danielle about the job being taken care of.

------------

Friday, post closure of business, the entire team working on Z had a dinner on successful completion of the audit. I had a little something to be taken care of, hence I joined the dinner a little while after the scheduled time.

By the time I joined the team everyone had already started their dinners/drinks. I found myself a place and quickly finished with the dinner.

I headed towards the bar counter and got myself a sprite; located Danielle and was silently gazing at her. I wished to see Danielle one (last?) time as she and Bill had their flights back to headquarters the next day.

After satisfying myself with some Danielle-gawking, I headed out on the terrace and settled in a spot where I could get a good view of the street. The bar being rooftop, the view was amazing. I sat ruminating on all the events which took place post the entry of Danielle in my life under the faint glimmer of the non-judgmental moonlight -- the impact her presence in my heart was having on my existence; the pain of not having my finger captured in ring which she could give me; the poignancy which her absence would evoke; My unwillingness to act on my feelings for her... it just somehow felt that kind of a day.

I partially came out of my trance when I felt a human presence behind me. My heat skipped a beat when the presence was found to be of Danielle's. Her presence was a balm on my aching heart...

"Whatcha doin' out here all alone Teddy? It's lively in there." She asked.

"Well, society is no comfort to one not sociable..." I replied on impulse. I'm not sure why I said that or how did I muster the courage necessary to do so, but once that was done, I was ready to let myself loose. Part of it was also because Danielle did not react as badly as I feared her to and expected her to post my impassioned outburst during our "first date."

"You okay there buddy? Something seems to be bothering you. You can talk to me if you want to..." she offered.

"I mean it's just that kind of the day, you know -- minute musings kind of..." I took in a few deep breaths, gathered my thoughts and the words started to flow. "I don't know why, but sometimes, in a room full of people I just feel so alone... I mean I kinda know why, I'm just a black sheep. But I'm not someone you'll love to hate, but I'm also not someone you'll love to like... I just am who I am -- eccentric, awkward and emotional baggage... I don't hate myself for who I am, but some days -- days like today -- I can't bring myself to love myself either. It feels lonely and when it feels this lonely even solitude hates my company... I understand it's all part and parcel, but I can't deny the obvious -- that yeah sometimes it just sucks..." I rambled, unreasonably exploiting her kindness to listen.

"I don't think you're a black sheep... you're different and unique in your own special way..." she let out a long breath, seemed to gather her own thoughts and continued, "look Natalie's father did not want me to have her. We talked it over, but with no avail. We argued, one thing led to another and he left. Just like that... It hurt. I had my Mom and Dad and then I had Natalie. I also had my work, my profession. They were instrumental in not letting me spiral down in a pit, even though there was no one else. But the lacuna -- it's still there, it still hurts.