All Comments on 'Jim and Mary - Another Version'

Wow! Demander has written a few decent stories but this is NOT one of them. Have you completely forgotten how to write a story? This reads like a 3rd grader wrote a repair manual. It's horrible. I know you can write better than this.

How stupid it all is.

To believe that it is a contest of debility and exaggeration.

strangly for all that action mumbojumbo the way better stroy in comparison

STILL CUCK SHIT. WHY DO YOU CUCKERS NEED TO REDEEM YOURSELVES.

An improvement on the earlier version!

5

Couldn't make it through to the end. Nothing in the story made sense. The husband was devoid of testosterone and the wife was a complete idiot.

The husband deserves it, fucking pussy won't stop it from the start. Should've slap the bitch then beat up the asshole

Meh

How stupid can one woman be to believe that her husband would be ok with another guy fucking her? How much of an idiot can the other guy be to think that he could do whatever he wanted to do? Pay backs are hell and death can be the ultimate ending.

This version of the story is more interesting than the original but requires more energy put toward suspension of disbelief. Would a young, talented attorney really destroy his life for the sake of seducing a significantly older, married woman? Would an older woman whose young lover had just tried to kill her estranged husband really react as Mary did that afternoon? Probably not is my thought about the first question. As to the second, no one fucking knows what a perimenopausal slut will do...other than defy expectations. I scored the original at 3 stars and this version at 4. Thanks for them both, demander.

FANTASTIC story!!!!! Well done!! 5 stars!

WTF!!! you rerelease the same cuck crap and then add a few words extra? of course you've turned into a 1* cuck writer

you submit the SAME cuck story with a few additional words? 1* you are strictly a cuck writer now- sad

Seriously, a sex slave? And a whore! 2 *

Dom-Sub games rarely end well. This was just one example. I know this is fiction, but I have seen it play out IRL in a couple acquaintances relationships. Both couples ended up divorced and bitter.

Mary and Jim's changes felt too abrupt. I don't see Jim jumping into a submissive personality with the flip of a switch after twenty plus years of marriage. Mary was just plain cruel. She wanted Josh and was determined to have him no matter what. Therefore, by definition she is a selfish slut, not a loving wife. Her professions of love were empty and she was delusional not to see it. Finally, Josh and Mary arriving at just the same moment was too over the top for me. You're a very good story teller, but I had a tough time with this one.

I liked it but Mary didn't just use Jim, she exploited him and what's more, she doesn't respect him. It's not just love that maintains relationships and fidelity; respect is also required. Mary decided to have an affair and exploited her husband's submissive qualities to achieve that end result. That's no simple betrayal, it's an act of malicious treachery. It's intentional psychological and emotional abuse.

I felt like her behavior demanded a more honest and direct confrontation at the end than a simple, you used me. He was right that she would do it again.

The original was problematic. This one less so, worth both saving and a QuickMagazine vote. I gave it a 3, because the afterword should have been longer. At least, noting that Ethel was with Jim at all those family gatherings.

Too much of a character change for Jim. You changed him almost 180 degrees from what he started out in the story. That's just not being true to your character or your readers. You did the same for Mary as well. Totally changing her character in a matter of a few pages. Most people never change that much in a life time let alone the time live of a few months that this story covered. Even if they actually had those character traits to begin with they certainly couldn't of hid those character traits from each other for 24 years of marriage. The story was nothing but bait and switch. You hit Mary with the old standard "Martian Slut Ray" and used the "whimpy cockold ray" on Jim and lost any credible suspension of belief from the readers. Not even enjoyable as a fantasy read.

First of all, you “chop” someone in the neck, you are likely to kill them. It only take a few pounds of direct pressure to snap the vertebrae, or the cartoid artery, or the esophagus. The neck is where you go when you want to end their existence.

There was no real emotional connection between husband and wife. They seemed more like good friends than married.

Divorces rarely go smooth, even when both parties are in agreement. There is a reason the saying goes: “the only people who win in a divorce are the attorneys.”

I was unable to care about any of your characters. You created a narcissistic slut, a sexual predator and formerly masculine simp. At the end I my reaction was meh.

Much sadder ending than the original. Probably more realistic.

Mary only stopped when something bad happened. In the original her stopping because Jim said they would divorce never seemed realistic. Just words never stopped her.

In either version Mary wasn't smart enough to be a partner in a law firm. Dealing with corporate law you'd have to think she'd be good at things like cost analysis, profit & loss, risk vs reward. Anyone with the brains to become a partner strictly on merit would have easily seen that the risk to her marriage was much greater than the reward of having sex with Josh one time. Yet, she kept on.

Still awful. Would have thought a rewrite of your first attempt would have reflected some improvements. Sadly…nope.

.

2 **

Not much better than the original, except for Josh getting axed. Jim should have been the one in pursuit of the predator that intruded into and helped break his marriage. What they got in the end was the best they deserved and nothing more.

Hmmm, I very much like your work, but the Mary and Jim thing, not so much. Looking forward to your next offering.

whew this is another wimpy husband like a number of demander's stories of lare.

but really mr. demander if you want to write about wimpy husbands don't let me stop you.

but don't expect me to read or if some mistake i do don't expect a score more than 2 star.

Much better than the original, still a pathetic cuck story though. Letting Josh bleed out was justice, pure and simple.

90% same story - you could have at least highlighted where the change started from to save time. On the upside at least Josh got his just desserts but still felt unsatisfying, and as others have commented the submissive switch in Jim made no sense.

Mary had a very good marriage, but she had to let Josh have her pissy. Any way you cut it, she's a whore and even if they stayed married, she'd do it again. Jim should have given her the same treatment as Josh.

I actually did not care for either one of these versions. In both, Jim becomes way to subservient to Mary. presuming that they were an actual couple and that I had personally known them for years. I have never seen a husband/wife pair, develope such a level of personality disparity and to have it occur so quickly. The change in Jim from a man into a mouse where Mary was concerned was acute, I can't see a man like Jim, just suddenly laying down and taking that kind of emotional abuse and domination from his wife. When Jim told Mary not to cheat, he did so in a very clear and concise manner indicating his core values would not take a submissive stance. He did not say he would become abusive to Mary, he loved her too much and it was not in his makeup to do so. But he did indicate that he would not stand for the disrespect and flagrant infidelity that Mary would be heaping on him. Jim was clear and provided information to Mary in a calm, consistent, manner. HIs seemingly subservient nature was more of a sign of his love and devotion to a long term wife, lover and mother of his children. Mary WAS a freaking predatory animal. She misread every point of Jim's good nature. This was all on Mary, Jim should have made her much more aware of her failure as a wife and life partner. She did not recieve the kind of punishment she deserved for her calculated, with prejudice betrayal of a man that did nothing to harm or wrong her. -- 1*

Still a cuck...Better though .3*

Until now your stories were somewhat true to life and interesting. This submissive cuck piece of shit had the last two pages skipped over, unread as it was devolving into shit. For God sake have your BB do you often enough that you won't have time to write. Pure trash both times for this story. Put it in your fetish group. This is a dom/cuck/wimp story. At her age, with her reputation, nobody worthwhile would bother with her. Losers are easy to spot and avoid.

Your first story should have been done with an alternate ending. Reading the same story twice drags your score down. Only Jim's unplanned revenge was interesting.

Maybe work on getting a little emotion in your writing… this is flat narration and inspires no reaction nor feeling for the characters.

Not sure if you're approaching senility, but your "stories" are becoming more disjointed and incoherent.

I usually like Demanders stories. This one not so much. Intelligent people being stupid followed by more stupid actions.

You remain an absolutely disgusting human being and a pathetic writer

This story actually does a decent job of explaining why there are so many unsatisfied/unfulfilled submissives. While there are some who truly seek out and enjoy the pain and humiliation of the typical dom, they should be considered no different than those who engage in self-harm and given the help they need. There are many more who simply accept that as the closest they will get to what they truly want and need as a submissive. As Jim somewhat demonstrates in this story, you can be submissive without being a wimp. He is the type of submissive who gives up control in order to give up responsibility, not to give up happiness. He can be happy with her controlling their sex life as long as she accepts the responsibility for their happiness that comes with it. When she has him do things with/to her, they are both happy. When she fails to uphold her responsibility to him and brings in Josh, she ceases to be the kind of Dom Jim needs and becomes just another power hungry and dom who is all about herself instead of her submissive. While Jim's response is a bit on the wimpy side, he refuses to accept the new her as his Dom. Not only does her becoming a controlling bitch doom their marriage, it causes Jim to hide his submissive side and forever be unsatisfied.

I see OP has been to Nawlins : 'He liked the Garden District, and nothing else. Bunch of drunks wandering around, and overpriced food.'

.

This is a great story. However, much of the commentary towards the end is slow death by 'had'. Read the cabin scene on page 4. Instead of 'had' restructure your sentences. 'Jim had neighbors, but they were each a mile or so away.' Try: 'Jim's neighbors were each a mile or so away.' I was given the same critique, and eliminating most 'had' references really makes your writing better, more 'visual'. It's the easiest, cheapest way to write better. No, you can't eliminate the word, but it's often over-used to the point of repetition. One piece I read stated that this is a word we use when writing the first draft but can easily be eliminated when we rewrite.

.

A greatly improved version. Loved the rewrite. It's much more cerebral, with more psychological and emotional impact. It does explain the inconsistencies, the inner conflicts people have better than anything I've read in quite a while. Too often, the MC's in these stories are unconflicted, totally congruent and have absolute moral clarity. Which makes for boring characters. The frisson alone is more acute in this version. Thanks!! 5++++++/5!!

Much better than the first. 4/5

You need a proofreader. Nice story and creatively written. Betrayal comes in many different ways. She used him and betrayed Jim. Jim gave in to her until she believed that Jim would accept her cheating but failed her by not enforcing refusal to allow it. Both were at fault. Josh needed to be dead.

There is a fine line between true submission and allowing a wife part of her desire. Jim was not the sub that she wanted to believe he was, he showed her that by taking the lead in their last sex, she was stunned and afraid of him. Bad move on her part to try using him after she was warned. Man you need a proofreader. Good and entertaining tale.

He thought about watching Mary and Josh dance.

*he thought about the dance mary and josh had early that night*

Maybe he was testing her but it was partially his fault for letting it happen. The only good thing about the story is that they divorced.

As a previous commentator said I don't understand how two seemingly intelligent people would fall so far off the beam. I know smart doesn't guarantee anything but you'd think they couldn't be THIS stupid.

sorry lost me at the kisses at work. someone that dumb wouldnt be a partner in a lawfirm. idk what happens around the world but in my experience ppl dont go to work and start kissing co-workers. this porn land Norman rockwell story telling is starting to get to me

I told Josh this morning that there can be no more flirting on his part. kissing isnt flirting? seriously how did this person get a partnership in a lawfirm

ah damn i must be in a frustrated mood lol how is it someone that weak that this is the first time something like this comes up in their marriage.

ew that was cross i knew i should have left in the middle of page 2 lol

She paused. She looked at Jim. "Where are we?"

really? rofl come on didnt she hire a pi and get his address and physically drove to said address in a rental? u really need to proofread these

Hard story to like. Subject matter is not easy to understand for me at least. I gave it 4-stars reluctantly because of the submissive aspect.

It was an okay story for the most part. The writing was a bit jerky,,it kind of halts along as it moves along.

The real problem I have with the story is it assumes a submissive man is a wimp or someone willing to do anything. Mary is an evil bitch in this but the thing about submission is it is given freely, but it always has bounds. Jim just folds up and is mush, and that isn't submissive, that is a doormat. Dom sub relationships are negotiated and one part of the deal is the Dom is responsible for the sub when it is obvious they aren't doing it. Mary knows he isn't happy and doesn't care, and even if she didn't sleep with Josh Jim had reason to leave. There is a thing called subspace where a sub can go very deep, and it is a really dangerous place bc they aren't looking out for themselves.

Jim leaving was him asserting himself finally and I honestly think Mary doesn't understand why he had to leave and break it off. She simply had a side that was ruthless and uncaring,she enjoyed blowing past bounds, and he protects himself finally.

Well I sucked less than the original

Well it sucked less than the original

Liked this version much more than the first. Thank you for keeping us entertained!

Much better ending and gave some reality to the story.

Thanks

What about the kids? Jim was a schizo, with two completely unrelated personalities. The difference in this story is you just dramatically changed the MC. Mary had no consequences IMO.

This wasn't worth the time to write.

Better than the 1st version. Four stars.

Good story. There is nothing wrong with having a submissive side with your wife...as long as both of you know the limits. Mary did exploit his desire of her domination and he let it happen and go too far. Shame on both and we read the results.

"But that's because you're thinking of him."

"What do you care? You're getting all the loving, and he's not getting any."

Yup, stopped right there, again, and I dont know why, I tried another of your horribly written stories. We get it your a weak little cuck and you live out your fantasies through the shit you pass off as writing. Sorry but you just arent equipped to write a good story. Regardless of subject, your writing is weak, hackneyed, cliched and reads like a recipe book.

Write a new story, not a copy of an old one.

Meh - nothing added to this version to improve it. 3*

The second story sucked. Only change was a name was wrong in one place.

A very challenging plot idea, more dramatic and compelling than the previous version. A hidden cuck and selfish whore revealed. Then the cuck gets shoved into a closed box, and the whore gets released to enjoy the life of a whore. And it was a revealing touch to have Mary trying to save Josh and mourn his loss. I thought Jim might mention it when he was pronouncing the final death of their marriage. But I wouldn't be surprised if Mary and Jim hook back up some day in their old age, maybe when one of them needs the help and care of the other, probably from a health issue. I'm talking about when they are both so old that their sexuality is gone or irrelevant, and neither has anything really to gain or lose from the actions of the other. Just two people who need some help and comfort, and who know they can trust each other since there's nothing left to betray. The sequel is so sad and empty that I hope no one writes it. Thanks for the effort of writing this.

I can’t begin to tell you how much the cuck aspect of your story upset me. I almost stopped reading it in the 2nd part but decided if I’d wasted that much time, I’d skim it and see what happened. When she cheated and he found his balls, I started reading again. I liked your ending but hated the start so I averaged it out and gave you three stars. Keep up the good work but remember that real men don’t like cucks. Women might but not a man. MtM

Well that was a selfish woman, the first kiss was the doom of their marriage.

What a back stabbing bitch

Did not the original story, l did not like this version of the original either.

Forget this and move on.

You are a good author, you write good stories you are in my favourites..

But these two stories are not your best efforts.

Scores 2/5

Look forward to your next tale.

Lots of story… lots of story… lots of story… lots of story… more story… huge scene happens attempted murder lover dies then straight away rushed ending totally pathetic writing

This story was better than the first version but you made me read somewhere on page 3 to find any difference from the original. You wasted my time reading the same story, with no indication where tho old story ended and the new began. Just shows a lack of respect of your readers. 4 stars.

Very good either. The wife stupid the husband more stupid.

@iammweasel, try writing your own story

rather than using your little mind to put those writers down that don't meet your pathetic likes.

well at least you gave the hubby a set of balls

He buys a plane ticket to Sweden as he wants the best surgeons for his sex change.

No real man is a submissive wimpy cuckold. So make it so feminine side out permanently.

I like happily-ever-after, but that could not happen in this case due to Mary being so enamored with Josh. Jim gave her far more leeway than most men would have.It's a very good story that I enjoyed. Hope for more. LP

Mary was going to do it regardless of her marriage vows and twisted what Jim had said to her own ends. She was not remorseful and would do it again. There was only one outcome from her actions and that was divorce with no reconciliation. Had she has soul in her marriage she would have been rock solid and told Josh to sling his hook. In fact she would have have danced with him to start with.

Moral of the story, marriages don’t need two pussies

I a,ways thought demander was better than this crap.

Whoa, lots and lots of negativity for a well written story that had a better ending than the first version. So, Jim discovers a submissive side and while his wife is manipulating her discovery of that submissive side, she fucks her crush. She knows Jim does not want her to fuck Josh but she likes being in charge. If this had continued and Jim had accepted it, it would have been the usual cuck story; Jim would have been slurping Josh's cum and sucking his dick within a matter of weeks. But Jim mans up, breaks free, recognizes he bears some blame but that Mary had manipulated him and would certainly continue to do so.

I guess I can accept that Josh wanted revenge but that seems a bit of a stretch. So it wraps up, Mary has been dumped, Jim finds a new life, and ruthlessly suppresses his submissive side. A change of pace but definitely not the "usual" cuck story. Demander is a good writer and his stories are diverting even when they are wholly in Fantasyland. It's fiction after all. I gave this a 4**** . Keep writing, you do have a lot of fans.

Better!

Just ridiculous. Married for 24 years and neither knows he is a submissive and when that happens, wow not only is the wife tempted by a younger guy at work, but hey she is suddenly obsessed with cuckoldibg and humiliating her husband. Bs. Not in this universe.

And wtf is with both Josh and Mary having their investigations turns up the location of Jim's cabin at the same time and they arrive around the same time independently? Lol.

Mary was a total slut and bitch

Thanks for your writing. Enjoyed the ending of this story more.

Men are being raised and socialized to behave this way. Submissive men are becoming more common and men are not a protected class, so anything goes by fems, government, anyone. Welcome to the future as it all tumbles down

Better than the other. Still shit.

Jim was right to never again touch her soiled cunt. The stench of her betrayal would never fade from her filthy trench. No wonder she liked cruises. All that sea air reduced the odor to something strangers might not notice until she was nude. Most of the manwhores who took singles cruises were so desperate they would fuck her anyway at that point. Only a few actually threw up afterwards.

If this was supposed to be a better version of the first story, I didn’t get it. 2 stars.

Another stupid story

With MC's that are cowards, with no self-respect or valor the reader doesn't care about them 'cause they are disgusting wimps - end up either skimming to the end or just abandoning the story, I read the entire pile and though I usually rate stories high where the husband sticks to his decisions but your MC left such a nasty taste you win a 1STAR!

Jim was a good man. Realized that he wasn’t going to take the wife’s shit and moved on.

You just had to make the husband a weak faggot cuck...like 95% of the authors here.

I don’t see this as a typical “cuck” story as some are accusing the author of writing.

It’s said rather early in the story that Mary was rather plain in the bedroom. Her sexual confidence probably was pretty hot at first and it just happened that Jim was a bit submissive. It’s fairly common for a kink or fetish to be discovered accidentally.

It would almost be like if someone is really into say edging and being tied up and the dom in that situation will not untie you until you give them your ATM PIN number. Your sexual proclivity has been weaponized. Mary did this in essence.

Is it Jim’s fault? Yes, partially, it is. He does take blame for it. He tacitly agreed while he was worked up and then had his “post-nut clarity.” He didn’t want it, but knew he trapped himself.

This is pretty good overall. Some of these stories are like train wrecks. You see it happening, know how bad it’ll be, but can’t look away from the horror of it. Is it realistic? I don’t know, I don’t have that kink nor have I gotten any indication that any of my spouse, friends, or colleagues do.

A depressing story. Another weak man. 1

I don't reconciliation stories so this one I liked. But have to say, Jim was partly responsible by his wimpy behavior, it enabled Mary's activities and really helped encourage it. All and all well done Demander.

When you say "rewrote", be honest. The first 2 and a half pages are identical. Delete them, or at least tell us how far to skip forward!

Better

#anon from 5 months ago. His proclivity wasn't weaponised, at any point he could have done otherwise. His characterisation was as a very weak person in the bedroom but otherwise had a very solid boundary. Fact is, you'll never meet someone like him in real life because they don't exist. He was a successful businessman and like many such people that have sub tendencies, that behaviour doesn't exist outside of specific circumstances and I seriously doubt that they would have just magically manifested themselves that late in life in his marital bed. Like most sensible and successful rich people he'd have got himself a mistress or just paid for a dominatrix.

The main character just doesn't fit the profile and the wife, a partner is a sizeable law firm... I just don't buy the idea that she'd suddenly just become overwhelmed by a subordinate new dick. Or that she'd suddenly find her dom tendencies. Someone that can make partner isn't just a weak easily manipulated fool. They're more likely to be the aggressor not this wishy washy dithering idiot.

Likewise, the American legal system is such that in most states you have to sit seperate exams in order to practice, so while Josh could be black balled from the state it's very unlikely that the firm would have the reach or desire to go further. Similar to the claim that some policeman in Chicago can hunt down some guy in california. Not only would it be unlikely that he could but he'd also be logged and it'd be a risk to his career.

Saying that, the emphasis this author has on dancing in most of his stories and the preditory behaviour of the men pushing their erections into their dance partner is not only massively American and a prime reason me2 became so popular. But what's with the Jitterbug and a woman called Ethel wtactualf? If this story is set in the 50s I've got to ask htf did a woman become a partner in a law firm, if it's not set in the 50s then why is the MC hooking up with his granny?