John

"What movie?" she asked lightly, staring up at him.

He grinned and grabbed the remote, hitting pause before taking her and rolling with her on the couch so that she was on her back and under him. His grin was full of heat. He leaned in and kissed her gently, then again and again before lingering and kissing her more passionately. Her fingers caught in his hair and she pulled him closer, wrapping her legs around him and arching her back under him, wanting more from him. He was ready for more, his cock rock hard against her other thigh.

She pulled back, wide eyed and gasping. This... wasn't ok! John would be up any moment! She didn't want to try and figure this out today, or... even at all!

She turned away quickly and squirmed, pushing him off of her, then scrambling up. "I have to go!"

"You don't have to go... you can stay," he told her, giving her another smokey smile.

That smile pulled to her everywhere.

She fled, running to the room to grab her keys and shoes, and then out the front door as he was standing up off the couch.

She was shaking as she drove home, her mind flitting and racing from one thing to another.

She hid away in her dorm room, locking the door.

In a couple of hours, someone knocked and he knew it was John. He had tried to call and she had turned her phone off. He knocked again and again, but she ignored it.

Half an hour later, she heard keys in her door and she sat up, alarmed.

"...but if she isn't here I can..." the dorm supervisor was saying, but John pushed past him.

"Em??" John asked in anguish.

He looked like shit. His hair wasn't perfect, his clothes weren't ironed and he hadn't shaved.

Emmerleigh looked at Garrett, the dorm supervisor. "I don't know what he told you, but he is not welcome here. I want him out."

"Ok man, let's go," Garrett scowled, upset that he had obviously been lied to.

"No! Em, come on, let's just talk, please? It's important! I need to talk to you!"

"If you don't get out right now, I tell everyone. Everyone. I mean it. Get out, John and don't ever come back."

"Em!"

"NO! Get out!"

"Let's go man, or I am calling campus security," Garrett told him, taking John's arm and pulling him out.

Emmerleigh followed them after the door was shut, locking the door.

She turned back to her bed and cried, but forced herself to stop and focus on something else. She worked on her essay, then on one of her calculus assignments before taking something to help her sleep. Still, it was a long time coming and going to classes in the morning was harder than she imagined. She was terrified John would hunt her down.

She was right, he waylaid her outside of her second class.

"Em! Emmerleigh, please! Can we talk? Can I take you to lunch?"

"No, John, go home. Leave me alone, I mean it. I don't ever want to see you again! You lied to me! And... no. Just leave me alone. Go away, John."

"No! I won't Em! I won't. I just want to talk to you."

"I will send out a snap to the whole school right now and out you if you don't leave me the fuck alone. That's your biggest fear, right? Everyone knowing? Why? You care so much about image that you can't be who you are? You can't..."

"Em! Please, talk more quietly?"

"NO! NO! YOU WANT TO TALK? LET'S TALK!" she yelled angrily, throwing her bag on the ground. "LET'S TALK ABOUT HOW YOU HAVE BEEN USING ME AS A BEARD FOR..."

John grabbed her and clamped a hand over her mouth, looking around in terror. "Em!" he hissed.

"Let her go!" a student passing by yelled. "Call security! Dude, let her go!"

John looked stressed, but he let her go and stepped back. "Tell them they don't have..." he began, looking down at Emmerleigh.

She drew back and punched him in the mouth as hard as she could, then when his head jerked back, he punched him between the legs. "You EVER put hands on me again and it will be the last thing you do, you lying piece of shit!" she yelled as he went to his knees.

She stormed away, yanking her bag off the ground as someone cheered at her as she walked passed. They had gathered a small audience and most of them looked confused.

She hurried away, half running, then locked herself in her dorm again. She skipped her last class, too anxious and upset to leave again.

She turned off her phone as soon as it rang, even though she didn't recognize the number. Someone knocked again and again. When her roommate got home, John was there at the door.

"Em?" he called, sounding hurt and upset.

"You come here again and I am getting a restraining order!" she yelled, then motioned for Hannah to shut and lock the door.

He still knocked several more times and she could tell Hannah was getting upset.

She went home.

The nice thing about going home was that she was completely lost among her brothers and sisters, aunt and cousins. No one noticed her or cared that she was there. The bad thing was, almost all of them loved John, so when he showed up, he was let in immediately.

She came to the living room where he was waiting and glared at him. "We aren't on campus, I won't call campus security. Instead I will call the real cops, John. Leave me the fuck alone! This is stalking and harassment!"

"Em! Babe, please! I will get counseling! I will go back, I swear! I just need you to talk to me!"

"No, John! I have said all I have to say to you! You are a liar! A cheater! A complete misogynistic asshole narcissist creep! I never want to see you again, ever!"

"Em, I swear to you, if you won't even talk to me I will kill myself. I hate myself, Em, I hate everything about myself and I have no reason at all to keep living. Please, I need you to give me reason to live!"

"That's BULLSHIT! You don't get to put your self hate and insecurities on my shoulders! Fuck you, John! Get out! He isn't allowed here anymore!" She yelled at her brother and her aunt's boyfriend, then left, going back to her room. She shared it with her sister and cousin, but she didn't even care. All she cared about was getting away from him and forgetting him.

And his father.

John. Did she want to forget about John? He was everything his son wasn't and that really spoke to her just now.

She pushed the thought away quickly and hid herself away in a book.

She skipped the next day, then the next until she had stayed home all week. She left her phone off, did some classes online, make-up options, but mostly she burrowed away in her room and just felt cheated and upset.

That weekend, Carl, her older brother came home and peeked in her room.

"Hey Emmers."

"Hey," she answered glumly as he came in and sat down on the end of her bed.

"So... guess you finally figured it out?"

"You knew?!?" she demanded angrily. Besides John, Carl was her best friend.

He shrugged. "Some of us sort of guessed it, you know? Playing ball with him. I noticed more than others did because I was around him more when he was with you... but yeah. I've known for a few years. Nikki saw him with a dude she knew, a friend of her brothers. I thought you knew for a bit, then you started going all moon eyed at him suddenly and I guessed you didn't. By then I didn't think you would welcome being told... he obviously didn't want you to know and... I don't know. I thought maybe he was just getting a curiosity thing out of his system. I didn't know what was up, but I knew it wasn't my place to tell you."

"Of course it was! You're my brother!"

"And you would have hated me if I told you the man you were in love with was gay. I did not want that on my shoulders, especially if I was wrong and he wasn't. Anyway... what the fuck is his deal? He has called me a dozen times trying to get me to talk to you on his behalf. Dad said he's had to run him off three times and last time he actually called the cops. That's the only reason he hasn't been back. Instead he is calling all of us now, trying to get us to..."

"Yeah, sorry. I know, just... ignore him? I told him to fuck off, I said what I needed to, that's all I have to say to him. How're things with Nikki?"

He shrugged, grinning. "So... wanna be my best woman?"

Emmerleigh jumped up and hugged him, finally smiling.

"Wow! Sis, you are RIPE! How long since you showered? And... look at you. Why are you letting this asshole get to you this way? No way. Go shower, now, then me and Nikki are taking you out! To a good club, not one of those college dives. Come on! Go!

Emmerleigh let him take her to a club and she danced and drank her miseries away for the night.

By Monday, she felt better. She even went to classes.

Her afternoon class was interrupted and she turned to the door to the lecture hall when the professor looked up in confused curiosity.

John was there, looking around, searching for her. John's father. She stood up and his eyes landed on her. He looked troubled and like he had cried in the last hour.

Her heart immediately dropped.

"Em, can I see you a minute, please?" he asked, his voice hoarse. "Grab your things? I will take you to the hospital?"

She didn't ask questions and neither did the professor as she snatched up her bag and ran to the door.

"John?!?" she asked as she reached his father.

"Stable. They pumped his stomach and he's asleep now. I'm sorry, Em, I tried to call."

"I have my phone off. He... took pills?"

"Yeah, uhh, you want to follow me in your car, or you want me to drive your car so I can tell you on the way and I can come back for my bike?"

In answer, she tossed him her keys and got in the passenger seat.

"I found him this morning, open bottle on the bathroom floor, empty. No idea how many there were, I only know I couldn't wake him up. They pumped his stomach and got him to respond, but he is asleep now and they are trying to determine how much of what is in his system. He... ummm, left a note for you... that's why I came and got you. Look.. I know this is a shit situation, Em, and I hate saying it... but..."

"Don't! I don't really want to talk about it."

"I think you misunderstand what I was about to say. I was going to say that you don't owe him this. Say the word and I will turn around, this isn't your problem. I just... know you enough to know you would want to be told and have the opportunity to say yes or no on your terms. He fucked up huge, what he did isn't forgivable and frankly he doesn't deserve it. Honestly, even this is a shitball move that I am betting is more about attention than anything... but I don't want to be wrong."

"I understand, and you are probably right... I will see him and talk to him. Say goodbye on better terms."

"To me too?"

"What?"

"Are you going to say goodbye to me too?"

"Oh... sorry... I didn't imagine we'd really bonded enough to warrant a prolonged goodbye."

He snorted. "I realize that people your age are all casual and liberated or whatever, but I'm still old enough to be old school. If I fuck you it's because I like you. Enough that I would want a goodbye and not to be... 'ghosted' is the word Little John always uses."

"I wasn't ghosting you! I just... needed space."

"Space," he growled, looking away out the window, then going quiet. After a moment, he lifted up in the seat and pulled a paper out of his back pocket, handing it to her.

It was the letter from John.

"Did you read it?" she asked softly, staring at the folded paper.

"I was a little busy and it has your name on it. I didn't get a letter."

She unfolded it and scanned it, then read over it quickly. "He says he saw me out Saturday night," she said softly. "Dancing with some guy... this... this isn't really true. I went out with Carl and his fiance and her little brother. I danced with him, but he is out and proud. Gay I mean. John knows that... why would he even try and play the victim game when he knows I know that... nevermind. Whatever. You are right, he is fine, this was all about the attention. Nowhere in this is he apologetic, just blaming me for making him go over the edge and try and kill himself. His words, right here, see? 'Try'. He had no intention of doing it."

"Do you want me to take you back?"

"No. I will go in and see him. Tell him what I think of this bullshit," she said darkly, anger swelling up in her.

When they got there though, she knew she couldn't go in.

"If I see him I will smack him with the closest thing to hand," she scowled.

"You sure? Wanna come up to the waiting room and I will check on him? Tell you what the doctors say?"

She let out a breath. "Fine... but if he's awake, don't tell him I am here. Tell him I read the letter and told him to fuck off. He sucked at the one play he was in in highschool, he still sucks at acting."

She waited out in the waiting room until his father came back out. "He's awake... The doctors said he had a few sleeping pills in his system. Enough to knock him out but not cause lasting harm. They are still putting him in a facility for three days. Uhhh, told him what you said and he started bawling and saying next time he would cut his wrists."

"Tell him I said up and not across."

"What?"

"He'll understand it. He really does suck at acting for as big a drama queen as he is."

John snorted, a humor breaking through his tired and upset visage.

She felt bad suddenly. He had been through all of this with his son, being so unsure, thinking his son might die. Despite that, he had told her she didn't' have to come, he was on her side. Then there was her. He liked her and he wanted more, but he was leaving it alone so he wouldn't upset her. His world was so dark right now.

She went to him and hugged him. "Thank you for coming to get me. For knowing that I would want to know, despite everything. Want to be here. If... if you want, I will stick around out here for a little while. You can go back in and see him."

"Thank you," he told her mildly, stroking her back as he hugged her back.

"No problem. You hungry? I can run get us lunch while you go in, have it here when you come back."

He chuckled. "Yeah? Like a date?"

"Oh, no no no! That isn't even funny to joke about!"

"Date with me that bad to you?" he asked, almost offended.

"A date in the hospital waiting room with your son in there pretending to be suicidal? Yes. It's that bad. Maybe another time when the circumstances are better."

"Hey, I will take hospital waiting room if I can get it," he teased. "I am not complaining."

She managed a smile of her own. "Ok. I am getting Pita Pit, what do you like?"

When she came back with food, he was waiting for her and he looked troubled again. He still smiled when he saw her and stood, taking the bag and drink, then bending almost double to kiss her cheek. "Thank you, Em."

She blushed and smiled slightly, then nodded as she sat down. "I half thought you would still be back there."

"He woke up for a minute and asked where you were. I, uhhh, told him what you told me to tell him and he seemed pretty upset by it. The nurse looked a little shocked too. Anyway, he said he didn't want company unless it was you and asked me to leave."

"Sorry."

"It's not your fault, Em. I know you are right, this is all an attention stunt to get you back under his thumb. I am glad you are standing up to him. So... advanced physics, huh? Little John talks about you a lot, but he failed to mention how smart you are."

"Not smart enough, apparently. At least, you know, not street smart. Book smart isn't the same. Looking back I can't understand how I didn't see it. I guess I didn't want to."

"Probably not. You don't have to sit all the way over there, you know."

"I know," she answered quickly. "So... you need a ride back to your bike then?"

"Yeah, but I'll drive."

She smiled slightly. "You and John both have a thing about being a passenger, you always have to drive?"

"Long legs, it's a habit. Driver can put the seat wherever they want and no one can complain. Passengers can't. Also... I try to stay in practice with cars and drive as often as I can."

"John just says it's because girls suck at driving, especially me."

"Do you?"

"I don't think so, but he says I do."

"He is gaslighting you so he can do what he wants. I will just tell you straight up, I prefer it. Not because you are a bad driver, but because I like it. When is your birthday, Em? I know it's coming up. He always gets you a Christmas and Birthday present at the same time."

"The 21st. Why?"

"No reason," he shrugged with a smile. "You hate it being that close?"

"No, not really. It's not like it would matter anyway. I have a huge family and we don't really do birthdays except to have a favorite dinner. Most the time my birthday falls on or close to the weekend before Christmas and that means we are hopping from family event to family event. Most people forget and I don't really care. It's not a big deal. My mom is an awful cook anyway."

"Maybe this year you can make other plans."

"Maybe."

"Come sit over here, Em," he demanded softly. An order more than an invitation.

"I think I am going to go. I don't want to see him and I am done eating... Are you ready?"

He smirked slightly, a sad little smile. "Sure. Let me say goodbye, tell him I am as close as a phone call. You sure?"

"Positive."

The ride home was quiet for most of the way and he finally spoke as they pulled into the parking lot where he had parked. "Why don't you come over tonight? Let me make you dinner?"

"No thanks, John. I..."

"You deserve to be happy, Em. I saw your face, you were happy. You loved everything we did and even after, you wanted to stay but felt obligated to leave because of how things happened. Forget the mess and come hang out."

"Another time, maybe, Semester is coming and I have finals coming up. I need to finish an essay and another assignment as well."

"Alright, Em. Another time," he said mildly.

She went home and felt a little bad. Should she have seen Little John? No, he was trying to manipulate her and she knew it. Should she forgive him? Maybe, but she didn't have that in her right now.

Friday after her final class, Little John was waiting by her car, leaning on it, his hands in his pockets looking like an angry god.

"Leave or I am calling security," she told him, pulling out her phone.

"I want five minutes," he demanded with a scowl. "Five minutes and I leave you alone forever. Let me apologize, ok?"

"Fine, apologize," she snapped, crossing her arms.

"Come on," he growled, grabbing her keys and getting in her car. "We'll talk in here."

She sighed, but got in the car, pulling up security on her speed dial to press just in case. When he started the car, she started to grab for the handle.

"We are just driving, Em. I think better when I drive, you know that."

She knew no such thing, but she knew that was his way. To say a thing like it had always been so, so that she wouldn't question it or argue. Make her second guess herself.

"Pretty fucked up that you didn't come to see me in the hospital."

"Pretty fucked up that you put yourself in the hospital just to get attention."

"I didn't! I tried to kill myself!"

"I was there, John, I heard what the doctor said, I just didn't come into your room. You only had enough sleeping pills in you to knock you out, not cause harm."

"You were there? Why didn't you come in?"

"I was there for your dad, not you," she blurted, a spur of the moment lie.

He winced, cringing away from her. "Em... You know I do love you,right? In my own way? Ok, yes... I like sex with guys and I should have told you that, but... it's you I want to marry and spend my life with. Can you imagine how perfect our kids will look?"

"Kids? You know that entails sex, right? With a girl?"

"I know that, Em. I can have sex with a girl... I just prefer it with a boy. I can get it up long enough to do what I need to. Em... I want a life with you. I have always wanted a life with you, you are my best friend and you are so smart and beautiful! I'd be crazy to not want you!"