John

Emmerleigh smiled sadly and hugged him again, closing her eyes with a deep sigh. Through everything, she was lucky to have this man and his giant heart.

He did raise Eleanor as his own and doted on her like only a father could, her wrapping him around his finger.

She didn't see Little John again for many years, even when he tried to reach out to her a few years later after the restraining order had expired. He'd asked to meet his child.

"You have no child. John is on the birth certificate. As far as you are concerned, you are dead to me. If you come near me or my child, you will truly be dead," she seethed acidly, then hung up.

He tried again a few days later, but she blocked his number and after that he left her alone. She knew John still spoke to him sometimes, but never when she was around and he never mentioned him to her again.

After Eleanor turned 18 and graduated highschool, she spotted Little John at her graduation. He was with a man and they were even holding hands. He looked at her several times from across the gymnasium, but she pretended not to see him as she watched him from the corner of her eye.

She was a little upset at John. Had he told him about the graduation?

John turned and looked down at her, grinning with tears in his eyes and his face fell as he looked her over. "Em? You ok?"

"Did you tell him? Invite him?" she asked, unable to keep the hurt out of her voice.

"Who?"

"HIM!"

John looked around in confusion. "He's here? No, no, I didn't tell him anything! It was in the paper, Em, he probably works with people who have kids and heard graduation was today. He knew she was a senior. I don't talk to him about her or you."

"If he goes near her..." she growled, her eyes narrowing dangerously.

"Em... she's 18. An adult. As much as I wish we could, we can't shield her from him anymore, she isn't a minor and he isn't doing anything illegal. And... he really has changed. He's happy now, living with his husband. He has a good job and..."

"I don't care! I will never trust him! He's lied and manipulated his whole life!"

John let out a breath, then nodded. "Just the same... if he approaches her... we can't say anything. If you try, she will only see how we act and that's not a good thing."

"But she doesn't know and..."

"I will try and catch him after and talk to him. You go to Elly. Ok?"

She nodded, but her stomach was churning and she felt sick. When it ended, she rushed to Eleanor, wanting to get her in the car and home and safe, but Eleanor wanted to take pictures and talk to her friends and celebrate. Emmerleigh looked around nervously, wringing her hands.

John finally walked up, but he shrugged. "Couldn't find him anywhere. I guess he left?"

Emmerleigh nodded, letting out the breath she was holding. She turned back to Eleanor, then her stomach clutched again as Little John strode up to Eleanor and tapped her shoulder.

Elly looked up at him with a confused smile as Emmerleigh rushed forward.

"I wanted to say hello and let you know you look stunning."

"Uhh, thanks? Umm... sorry dude, you are a little old for me."

Little John smiled a tight smile and reached back, taking hold of his husband's hand and pulling him closer. "I'm John, this is my husband Rick."

"Oh, ummm... hi? Do I know you?"

"No... but I wanted to meet you. I'm... your brother I guess. Half brother. John is my dad too. We're estranged though and I never got to meet you. I wanted to."

"Oh! Daddy? You didn't say you had a son? What happened? Is it because he's gay?!?"

"No! No, nothing like that," Little John said quickly. "He was supportive, super supportive. No, I had my own issues. Anger issues. It was all me. He supported me a lot longer than he should have, probably. It was all me. I just wanted to come say hello and... you don't have to be a stranger. I know I fucked things up beyond repair with... our parents, but I would like a second chance to get to know you. Have a family, such as it is."

"Oh, umm... sure."

"Cool. Dad has my number, text me anytime. We can get together and go to that coffee place downtown. Get to know each other. You can show me your art."

"You know I sketch?"

"Yeah... anything that was on the school website or facebook page I've seen. I've seen all of your art awards and murals around town."

"That's kind of cool you've been keeping tabs on me. You... you're my dad, aren't you?" she asked, half holding her breath."

Little John looked a little shocked and John stood up straight, stunned.

Eleanor looked back at John, her look pleadingly sad. "I'm sorry! I was looking for my birth certificate and I found the papers that said you couldn't have kids and all the adoption papers. I have known you weren't my dad since I was sixteen, but... I'm sorry!"

"It's ok, Ellie," John sighed sadly. "I am your grandfather."

Eleanore nodded and looked back at Little John. "So... what? You and mom had an affair?"

Little John blushed, looking down. "I wish it were that simple. I... had issues and your mom... she was so perfect and beautiful and I had this whole plan with her in it. I was... am gay though. I just didn't want to admit it, that wasn't in my plan. A gay man isn't perfect... Em would have made me perfect. A child of ours would be perfect. And you are, Eleanor. Know that. I couldn't be more proud. What I did... there's no excuse for it, but I thought if I could give her the child my father couldn't... I thought she would want me. Want a life with me."

"Are... you saying you raped her?" Eleanor asked, her face white.

Little John's face went even more red. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I know that's not what you want to hear about when you meet your real dad, but... I'm not that man anymore. I got help, I accepted who I am. I'm married and medicated and things are good now. Truly. I can't excuse what I did, but I can ask forgiveness and promise that I worked hard to be a better person. Learn from my mistakes and be the sort of man who could make you proud."

"He really is," Rick said quickly. "He's amazing. He tells me about how his father is and how he aspires to be just like him and he really does try. He is so patient and loving! He works hard. When he asked me to marry him I couldn't say yes quick enough!"

Eleanor nodded slowly. "I... this is a lot to think about. Can... I think this all over, talk to mom and dad and... umm, grandpa? I mean, I guess? And reach out after if... you know?"

"Of course! Yeah! Sorry to waylay you like this, if I had known you knew about dad, I would have kept my distance. I thought I could just pretend to be your brother and be in your life now, maybe. Show you that I am a man worth loving now."

Emmerleigh was still frozen and feeling sick as she stood there, watching Eleanor looking so confused and hurt. Eleanore turned and hurried away and Emmerleigh followed her, John catching up quickly.

"Sorry, babe, I looked all over for him and didn't see him!"

"I know, it's ok. It was going to come out if he wanted into her life that badly. I just need her to be ok!"

"I know, babe," he rumbled gently as they made it to the car and Emmerleigh hugged her sobbing daughter.

"I'm sorry," Emmerleigh whispered. "I never wanted you to know! I love you so much Elly!"

"I know mama! I just... I just don't know what to do!"

"I will support whatever decision you make, Elly! Always. Dad will too."

"I... I don't think I can call him dad anymore. I knew he was a lot older, but... he's my grandpa?"

"Yes, Little John and I are the same age and we used to be best friends. I met your dad... grandfather through him. We... had instant chemistry and age didn't matter at all. Your dad... he was so focused on image and what other people thought of him and... he was very sick in the head. Once he had a plan in his mind, he couldn't deviate from it, refused to. He had goals and he went for them all out. I was part of that plan, he wanted me for a wife even though he liked men. I had my own plans and goals and my plans would see him where he wanted to be. All the status symbols and a perfect life. He had so many issues and he went away for a long time, getting help with them. I don't know what kind of man he is now, or if he has truly changed, but you are 18. It's all your choice now. If you want to test the waters, that is fine. If you never want to see him again, that is fine too. I am here."

"For what it's worth, I think he has changed," John said gently, stroking Eleanor's hair. "I have kept in touch over the years and he really seems to be a different man."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Eleanor asked, still looking lost.

"Because I didn't want you to bear this pain, knowing who and what he was. John was your father and that's what I wanted you to know. He adores you and he considers you his own."

"But he's my GRANDFATHER! That's so fucked up! It's like... some horrible talk show!"

"I know it's not an ideal situation, but you are his blood and raising you like a daughter isn't that odd. Grandparents raise kids all the time. He and I were already married when... what happened happened. Happily. Your dad was still in denial and sick. I wanted to spare you all of this. Give you the life you deserved and not this... mess."

"I... I understand. I get it. But now I know and... I can't unknow it. I want to! I wish he never came! I always bragged about how great things were at home, how happy my parents were and how our dynamic wasn't like other families. I got to go fishing and learned how to fix a motorcycle with dad and I learned my love of art spending days with you! We are so close! And it's all... not a lie, exactly, but... skewed now. My dad isn't this patient guy who never lost his temper, he is a rapist and a psychopath! How is this even real? Wait... this isn't some fucked up prank for my graduation, is it? Are there cameras somewhere?" she begged pleadingly.

"No, sweetheart, I wish it were something like that. Not that I would ever do something so cruel. Little John and I were best friends since we were little. He was... a very different person back then. I mean, I knew he was OCD about his schedule and always having to stick to his plans. He was very rigid when it came to that, but otherwise he was super nice and carefree. Charming. Everyone liked him. Even in college. I was so blinded by my crush for him, I didn't see how selfish and vain he was. Not until... not until I found out he was using me. Pretending I was his girlfriend to other people so they wouldn't know he was gay. He even pretended to me, strung me along. When I found out... I walked away and he couldn't handle that...Let's get in the car and go home and I will tell you the whole story."

Emmerleigh told her everything except for details on the rapes, glossing over them. How disturbed and full of anger he was, how much he hated himself and wanted so badly to be accepted and loved by everyone.

It took two long weeks of Eleanor fretting and waffling and stressing before she finally decided she would just go have a coffee with him. She met him there and Emmerleigh stressed the whole time she was gone. The whole six hours.

That weekend, Eleanor went and met him again for coffee and stayed several hours again. Emmerleigh didn't ask what they talked about, but Eleaanor wasn't upset when she came home. She seemed thoughtful and maybe even pleased and pleasant.

The next weekend, he asked to take her to dinner, asking to pick her up and take her out and Eleanor excitedly accepted.

"It's like... a real daddy daughter date!" she told Emmerly, her face glowing. "I always thought that would be fun but... John was never the type to do fancy dates."

"You can still call him dad."

"It just doesn't feel right anymore. Do these earrings match this dress?"

When Little John pulled up, Emmerleigh looked out the window on the door, stressed. Eleanor hurried to the door and opened it, just as he was about to knock. "Hey dad!" Eleanor said brightly, smiling from ear to ear.

"Hey Sunshine," Little John smiled. "You look stunning! Why don't you head to the car so I can talk to your mom a second."

"Sure!" she called, practically skipping away.

Emmerleigh tensed up warily as Little John turned back to her. He grinned and looked her over. "Em... you look amazing. You've aged well and no one would ever be able to tell you had a kid."

"You should go."

"You know... you aren't too old. You can still have kids... and the offer is still there. The old man... he's not long for this world, we both know it. I will be here to step in, Em. Say the word."

"You are married!"

"Not really, not on paper. It's just something we say. I would walk away in a heartbeat for the life I want with you. And Elly now. She's my daughter, she deserves to have her real parents together."

"I knew you hadn't changed, John. I knew you were still lying and manipulating! Get out and don't ever come back!"

He laughed and winked at her. "I'll be back, Em," he called, walking away as if he hadn't just threatened her.

*

(This story is partially for my little brother who had such a hard time coming out and was in denial for years. Using girls, even getting married and having a child before he was finally outed. He's had a long, hard road, but he is finally at peace with who he is. It is also for John, who I dated in the military. I knew what you were and I knew you weren't out yet and I was happy to cover for you for as long as you needed me to. When you finally admitted it to me, I couldn't have been more proud of you!)