Keep This Secret Pt. 13

Have you ever moved on to a better part of your life, but mourned a bit because your past life is over? That's what happens to David here in Chapter 13. David's situation isn't exactly like ours, but is it easy to understand his feelings?

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I had to decide what to do with the rest of my life.

It was difficult to see this as a good thing, As an opportunity. For my entire adult life, my only goal was to be a research scientist. Giving up that goal required something akin to mourning. My old life was gone. Dead. It was hard to imagine a new life.

But, slowly, my imagination improved. The outline of a new life gradually emerged. Although I could never tell anyone about the sonic stimulator, there was no reason I couldn't use it as often as I wished. I'd resolved to never use it to harm anyone, but it had been surprisingly easy to find women who wanted my company and could also benefit from my help. It had been that way for Mary, Krista, Mariana, and Esta. It could be like that for others. I confess that I was also thinking about the fact that I could have a wonderful, rewarding love life with many wonderful women, but I was genuinely committed to being a positive force in every life I touched.

And I wanted to touch a lot. The world is full of people who need help, and I was uniquely qualified to help as many as I could. I knew I didn't need to make love to everyone I helped. But I would enjoy sleeping with women who needed and wanted me.

This thought process went on for a while. I had a lot of interesting ideas, rejecting most of them. We'll skip straight to the idea I finally decided to try.

I decided to create a charitable foundation. For obvious reasons, I would have no trouble convincing corporations and rich individuals to contribute. I would focus our efforts on women. It's a man's world. Women were constantly struggling to overcome arbitrary obstacles placed in their paths. Consider Esta. Mariana. Victoria. A tiny amount of help had dramatically improved their lives.

Besides, no foundation can help everyone. I like women, and not just as lovers. As a man, I feel a biological need to protect and defend women. It's what we do. My efforts would be most effective if I concentrated on finding women who needed a little help, then giving them whatever they needed. It didn't matter if they needed housing, medical care, therapy, addiction services, help raising children, or financial skills. My foundation would meet their needs.

I imagine you can understand that this plan took a lot longer to conceive than it did for me to explain it just now.

I'll skip the technical details. A local law firm arranged for The Gaia Foundation to become a non-profit charity so donors could get tax deductions from donating. Gaia is a Greek goddess considered to be a primordial mother. Lots of things are named after her, including a particularly cool spacecraft. Look her up on Google. Very interesting. I liked the name for my foundation.

Fundraising was almost effortless. You can imagine how the presentations went.

"This is a charity worthy of your support."

"Worthy."

"You want to help us help needy women in our community."

"I want to help."

"You'd like to donate $25,000 for this first round of fundraising, then consider giving more in the future."

"I want to donate."

Yada yada yada. It was a big job. Overwhelming if I thought about it. But it's like that old joke:

How do you eat an elephant?

One bite at a time.

I hired a consultant for advice on acquiring staff. I needed individuals capable of finding people who need help. I needed clerical staff. More than anything else, I needed a chief executive, because there was no way in hell that I could run the Gaia Foundation day-to-day. My job needed to be using the sonic stimulator like a magic wand, destroying obstacles and providing opportunities.

I worked to close down my lab. There would be awkward questions from the National Institutes of Health if I just resigned suddenly. They expected results. It didn't matter what - I needed to give them something. I combed through my data and found some minor results that were worthy of publication, but my report said nothing about what I'd actually discovered.

I packed up, submitted my resignation, and wondered what to do with my dogs. It's not too hard finding people anxious to own purebred standard beagles, but I wanted to keep them together. They'd lived their entire lives as a band of brothers, and I didn't want to split them up.

I mentioned it to Victoria, who claimed she had the answer.

"My parents will take them," she said.

"You've described your parents in terms that make me wonder why you think they'd be good dog owners," I said.

"My parents treat people like crap, especially people of the female persuasion, but they love animals. Love love love them." Victoria came up with a scheme that made me admire her ability to understand human nature. She planned to take the dogs to her parents farm "just for a few weeks" while I looked for a permanent home. That would give them plenty of time to fall in love and ask if they could adopt them. If it didn't seem like a good idea, we could retrieve the dogs at any time.

It worked great. The dogs and their new masters loved each other. Victoria's parents owned goats, and the dogs loved those goats. They got more fresh air and sunshine than ever. Problem solved.

I was talking about this with Victoria when I recognized that there was some other kind of problem. I asked what was bothering her, and of course she lied. "It's nothing," she said.

"It is definitely something," I said.

"No, really. It's nothing."

I was offended. After all we'd been through together, I considered Victoria a good friend. I had deep respect and affection for her, and she had to know that. I was gratified I'd been able to help her when it appeared she would have to drop out of college. I felt I'd earned her trust.

I got out my cell phone, turned on the sound file, and started the interrogation. "Tell me what's bothering you, Victoria," I said.

"I'm so embarrassed. I hate that I feel this way," she said.

"Unpack that for me," I said.

As you know, when I gave Victoria the help she needed to pay tuition and move into student housing, it allowed her to quit the crappy jobs that sapped her energy and prevented her from being the best student possible. It also allowed her to have a social life. She began going out with other girls, and that reminded Victoria that there was something missing in her life.

"Most of the other girls have boyfriends, and I am jealous when I see them together," she said. "I wish I had someone to hold me. I want to touch and be touched. Hold and be held. Love and be loved. Oh God, I am so silly," she said.

"This doesn't sound silly at all," I said. "You are a wonderful young woman who deserves to be happy. You don't want anything you aren't entitled to."

She was quiet for a moment. "I'm embarrassed to admit this," she said.

There was a long pause. "Well? Admit what?" I said.

Another long pause. "In my room, I share a wall with a girl who has a very nice boyfriend. They are both very nice people. At night, I can hear them make love. I hear them through the wall. They sound so in love."

At that moment Victoria erupted into tears. "Last night I realized I hated them. Hated them for being happy. Hated nice people for having something I want so much. I must be some kind of monster," she said.

Wow. That did not sound like "nothing" to me. My heart broke for Victoria. She was such an admirable person for so many reasons. She'd overcome a lot. And, of course, she got the seal of approval from the most qualified judges: my dogs.

The front of my shirt was wet from Victoria's tears. "You must think I'm a stupid little girl," she said.

"We've known each other for a long time, Victoria," I said. "You must know I could never feel like that. You must know I hold you in very high regard."

She said nothing, but she shook her head to show she knew I was telling the truth.

"It's tempting for me to say you are a wonderful woman who is sure to find love one of these days. And that's completely true. But it doesn't really provide any comfort, does it? Your feelings are your feelings. Knowing things will change eventually does nothing about the way you feel at this moment."

She cried so hard she trembled as I held her beneath my arm. We said nothing for a long time. Like many women, Victoria had spent so many years overcoming unreasonable barriers that it had damaged her. I'd become much more aware of situations like this since I'd invented the sonic stimulator. It seemed to be part of the human condition for women. Perhaps I'd become more sensitive to the challenging parts of women's lives since I'd acquired a way to do something about it.

At some point I began asking if Victoria had ever had a boyfriend. She had not. It went against her parents' religion, and she didn't have time for a boyfriend after she started college and had to devote all her energy to staying there. I asked if she'd ever thought about having a boyfriend. That's when it happened.

She looked up and me with an expression in her eyes that revealed what I'd been too stupid to see. Victoria had feelings for me. There had been many signs at many times, and I hadn't seen any of them.

"Why haven't you ever said anything?" I said, pulling Victoria to me.

"Because you're a nice man with a girlfriend, and I'm a stupid little girl."

A stupid little girl. Since I got the sonic stimulator, I have learned that a lot of women - including ones as marvelous and accomplished as Victoria - have very low opinions of themselves. What kind of world do we live in that leaves so many women so unsure of their own self worth? Increasingly, such things make me seeth.

The irony was that I'd had feelings for Victoria for a long, long time. They were platonic feelings, but that was only because I'd forced myself to avoid thinking about her as a woman. As you've heard me say many times, she was a student, I was a professor, and I do NOT go there.

But graduation was in three days. Three. The time had come to change the rules.

I told her how I felt. I told her that I'd always thought of her as exactly the kind of woman I wanted in my life. I told her I'd like to try having a relationship with her, and that I wanted her to think if she wanted a relationship with me."

"But what about your girlfriend?" she asked. "She'd kill me if she found out."

"No, she would not," I said. "What she'd actually want to do is invite you over for dinner." I explained that Mary and I were in a committed but open relationship. I didn't mention Mariana, Esta, or any of the other women I'd seen over the last many months. That seemed like too much information right then.

I admit that I used the sonic stimulator to persuade Victoria that such a relationship was honorable, and that it didn't prevent her from having a relationship with me. Victoria had overcome a lot of her family's conservative values, but this might be too much of a leap. I decided that I'd make it possible for her to have an open mind about the idea, but I wouldn't use my invention to influence her decision. I'd let her think about it, and decide if it was something she wanted to try.

Victoria had a lot to think about. "Give it some time," I said. "I think the world of you, and I am absolutely sure I'd love to know you intimately. But only you can know if you feel the same way about me. Only you can know if you are interested in a relationship that isn't exclusive. I'm sure you know what I want you to do. Take all the time you need."

I called an Uber to get a pick-up truck to take my dogs and their stuff to the farm where Victoria lived. We packed up the crates, loaded up the food, got the dogs, and put Victoria in the passenger seat.

As she was leaving, Victoria kissed me. On the lips. It wasn't an overly passionate kiss, but it was more than a chaste, friendly peck on the cheek. She put her hand on one side of my face, and I smiled at her.

"I could get used to that," I said.

"I could, too," she said.

After Victoria left, I spent a few hours putting my equipment into boxes and preparing them for storage. I carefully deleted all my research files and wiped the drive on my computer. I'd considered saving everything in encrypted formats, but it was too big a risk. Encrypted files practically advertise that you have a secret. If you want to keep a secret, the thing to do is not tell anyone. Ever.

After I was finished I sat on the couch in my lab and noticed how quiet it was without my dogs. I'd spent a lot of time there over the last two years. Soon, I would leave it forever. I would miss it. It didn't really matter that I had a very good plan for a better, more rewarding way to spend the rest of my life. It was wrenching to say goodbye to something I'd cared so much about for so long.

I heard someone unlock the door and come into the lab.

"I'm glad you're still here," Victoria said.

"I didn't think I'd see you again so soon," I said.

"Surprise," she said.

She sat down next to me.

"What brings you here tonight? Are the dogs OK?"

"The dogs are fine," Victoria said. "My parents are already in love. They are very predictable people."

"You certainly seem to have them figured out."

"I certainly have."

Several silent seconds went by. I'd already asked why she'd come back to the lab, and she hadn't told me. I didn't feel like asking a second time.

"I've thought about it," Victoria said.

"And?" I said.

She leaned over and kissed me. This was a real kiss, the kind that only happens between lovers. She kissed me again, and again, and I enjoyed wrapping my arms around Victoria and giving her our first romantic embrace. I love kissing, and I love the way it leads to more. I began kissing my way down Victoria's neck, loving the sound of her moaning softly. I ran my hands up and down her side and back, enjoying the feeling of Victoria responding to my touch.

It didn't take very long before I began caressing the side of her breast. To my great surprise, she took my hand and moved it away. That hadn't happened to me in a while. I couldn't remember the last time I'd made out with a woman who didn't want me to touch her breasts.

Then I understood. Victoria wasn't the kind of girl who puts out on a first date. She needed to be treated differently. So that's what would happen. We would begin our relationship at any pace she wished. I would treat her however she needed to be treated.

We sat there on that couch and made out for a long, long time. I wasn't surprised at all when I got an erection. Victoria was a very desirable young woman. It was amusing for me to realize I would go home with blue balls that night. It didn't matter that I'd made love to Mary that morning, made love to Mariana that afternoon, and would make love to Mary again that night. Victoria aroused me as much as I could be aroused.

I found myself wishing that Victoria would agree to have sex with me right then, but something made me realize that was a very bad idea. She'd already told me she'd never had a boyfriend. Victoria was probably a virgin. It would be my responsibility to make sure her introduction to sex was as loving and gentle as possible. I'd make sure that happened, no matter how many times I got blue balls.

I drove Victoria to her dorm, gave her a passionate kiss, then went home to wait anxiously for Mary. She'd be all wound up from dancing naked, and I'd benefit from all that pent up desire.

I felt good as I sat and waited for Mary. Aside from a very mild case of blue balls, I was happy. I was pleased with the progress I'd made setting up the Gaia Foundation, and I looked forward to more progress after I found the right chief executive.

People talk about great ideas that strike like a thunderbolt. I don't think that's a very good description, but I can't think of any other way to say I suddenly realized who to hire.

Victoria. Obviously. She was perfect. She was a brilliant young woman with a fresh MBA and a deep understanding of the challenges facing women. She was a talented person with a great mind and personal experience of what it's like to struggle to overcome the obstacles facing women trying to live in a man's world. She'd overcome hostility from the people who were supposed to support her most - her parents. She survived by being disciplined, working hard, and through sheer acts of will. She. Was. Perfect.

I couldn't help but smile. Her parents had always doubted Victoria. She had proved them wrong in the most decisive way possible. The English poet George Herbert said it best when he wrote "Success is the best revenge." I couldn't wait to hear how the parents reacted to the news that her first job out of business school was to get a major charitable foundation off the ground, and that she'd get a big fat salary exceeding anything they'd earned in their petty little lives. I decided that as a hiring bonus, I'd immediately pay off her student loans. Her parents had given her truckloads of shit for going into debt to get an education.

I wanted to make sure she got a nice company car. A Mercedes? BMW? Maybe her parents liked Cadillacs. If so, it would be sweet for Mary to drive over there in a brand new Escalade. Oh, this was going to be fun.

I just loved thinking about shoving all this stuff up their smug little asses. I liked it so much I forgot all about my blue balls.

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That was unexpected. A young scientist becomes head of a new charity. Would any of you readers make that kind of decision? You probably noticed there was a lot of romance but no explicit sex in this chapter. Don't worry; the sex will be back in Chapter 14. If you like this story, please take time to vote five stars. I've been gratified that so many of you voted that way for my story Enslaved - Love In The Future. It would please me if you checked it out; it's the best thing I've written in years. Enslaved has plenty of explicit sex, but a lot of the text is devoted to character and plot development. My feeling is that erotica is hotter when it involves sex between characters we care about.

The next chapter of Keep This Secret tells how two exceptional young women enter David's life. It's probably not what you think.