Know Thyself

"No problem. Keep going. How did it scare you?"

"When she told me she was leaving, I turned all I should have been feeling into hurt and anger. When I learned she died, my first though... geez, I ashamed to admit this."

"Go on, Anson. I'm your friend and I'm not here to judge you."

"Okay. My first horrible thought was that her death would save me money instead of going through a divorce."

I felt a tear sliding down my cheek as I watched Hank's face for a reaction. I wondered if he would be shocked or appalled, or even disgusted. He showed none of that. I think I saw understanding.

"And then what?"

"I realized how sick that thought was, and in an instant I felt the emptiness I created for myself and how her death sealed me into an isolation of my own making."

"That's had to be a horrible realization."

"Yeah. I knew I had to make major changes. I mean, I'm still me. At the core of my personality I can be very narcissistic, but I made up my mind that I was feeding that piece of me at the expense of my ability to care about others. I realized at the moment of Linda's death that I loved her and cared for her far beyond what I ever showed, and I felt ashamed and angry at myself for being such a fool. Does that make sense?"

"Sure it does. You suddenly saw the cost of your negative interactions with others and how it not only impacted them, but affected you."

"Yeah."

My tears were streaming freely now.

"So, my first thought after learning of her accident was reprehensible. My second thought was overwhelming regret and grief. My third was the deep desire to trade places with her. Knowing that was impossible, my fourth thought was to change for the better, even though it was too late with Linda. I owed that to her."

"And to yourself and your kids."

"Yeah. So I've started that healing process with my son and daughter. It will take some time, but I don't ever want them to doubt my love again. I'm taking a break from my career to sever that tie to my self-centered approach to life. I'm going to take an extended trip around the world that Linda and I dreamed about. I'm hoping that will give me some time to change my perspective, and then I'll evaluate what I'll do going forward."

"That's quite a plan. I have to say, though, that the Anson I've come to know in these past few weeks seems to be a pretty good man. I wouldn't have guessed about how you were in the past, except for what Linda occasionally shared."

"Thanks, Hank. I must say that getting back to the church and your help has meant a lot. And I know the church was there for Linda when I wasn't. With that in mind, I want you to help me. I've set aside one million dollars to give in Linda's memory to the church and its ministries. I don't want anyone to know about it except you. I don't deserve any credit considering my past."

"You're not trying to buy forgiveness, are you?"

"I'd be lying if I said there wasn't something of that in there, but I heard your message on forgiveness and know I already have it. I just think it's the right thing to do to indicate where my heart is today, and put a seal on my desire to be the right kind of man."

"It will be my honor to help you decide where to use that kind of offering. In fact, while the church itself can use parts of it for some much needed work, there are a couple of missions that would really benefit from some funds. We can talk about them later. But since you're planning a trip around the world, you should take the time visit them as well and share in the blessing that comes from helping others."

****

I left Hank and Nancy's home feeling better than I had in a long time, but when I arrived back at my house, the emptiness and loneliness started to consume me. Feelings I avoided for years were attacking me in a maudlin wave of emotions. I foolishly decided to look through some old photo albums, and that served to drive me deeper into self-pity.

Then I saw a picture from our honeymoon. I saw the look of pure love in Linda's eyes and noticed the same look in mine as I gazed at her. The flood of emotion I felt drove me in an unexpected direction. I knew at that moment that I was not meant to be alone, and if Linda could see me now that she would want me to find that again. I still had some healing to do. After all, it had only been several weeks since her death. But I knew in that moment that I not only had her permission to move on, but I had her encouragement. I fell asleep feeling her presence, and I was no longer alone.

*****

Traci and I selected a fantastic new three bedroom condo in Rockville, Maryland, that kept us close to friends and still gave us great access to both Baltimore and Washington. I was thrilled that she decided to stay with me. It helped that she knew I would be gone for months on my trip, but she also made it clear that she wanted us to have a great father and daughter relationship. The 'dad' in me had to accept that her room was her sanctuary, and as a young woman she would enjoy the same activities as any single woman her age. Thankfully, she was not promiscuous and I trusted her judgement. She earned that privilege.

During her summer break, we had the chance to really bond and enjoy the amenities of the condo complex. My favorite time was cuddling with my daughter in the evenings while we watched movies on the TV. I wanted to kick myself for missing these times when she was younger, but instead I basked in the joy I felt now. To a great extent, Traci conquered the loneliness that was starting to overwhelm me. I still missed the presence of a loving mate, but Traci's presence filled my soul and home with love.

I wondered how thoroughly Traci forgave me for my past failings. Then she made a decision that gave me the assurance I craved. She transferred from Boston College to George Washington so she could live at home and take advantage of the International Relations and Affairs curriculum offered by GW. I remember the words she said when she revealed her decision.

"Dad, I could continue in Boston, but for the first time in my life I feel like we're a family, even though it's just the two of us. I want us to be together as long as possible. I know I'll move on at some point, but for now I don't want to miss out on the time we can share."

"Sweetie, you know I'll be gone a lot when I take my trip later this year. Will you be okay, or should I delay it for a while?"

"No, Dad. I'll be fine. You need that trip to reboot yourself once you're done with work. I'll be here when you get back."

"You won't be lonely?"

"Well, about that... I want to get a dog if that's okay with you."

And so, Sandy, the Cairn terrier, joined our little family. I'd never been a 'dog person,' but she was a great addition to our home.

I was set to retire on October 28^th. Plans for my trip were not complete, but I knew where the first leg of it would take me. Traci and I would fly out to San Diego and spend Thanksgiving with Brenda and Caleb. After Traci returned home, I'd spend some time in wine country and Costa Rica, then return to San Diego for Christmas, where Traci would again join me.

Planning the rest of my trip proved harder than I imagined. I had two destinations set where I'd visit missions with which Pastor Hank helped me connect. Deciding on the other destinations became a battle in my mind. Linda and I had talked about places like Australia, The Great Wall, The Taj Mahal, and the Egyptian Pyramids, but visiting those places on my own without her or someone else special with me seemed pitifully lonely.

I decided on a different approach. I had lots of friends around the world from my years in business. Several had already reached out to me before my retirement and suggested I should visit. The more I thought about making that the plan, the more excited it made me. Traci could tell that my brain was starting to really focus on possible destinations.

"Dad, how are plans coming for your trip. You seem to spend a lot of screen time researching possible destinations."

"I think it's coming into focus. I want to start with a short visit to my friend, Stu, in Sydney. Then a quick stop in Singapore to see another friend, Paul Yu, before flying to India to meet a missionary Hank has arranged. Then I'll fly to Shanghai and Beijing at the start of the Chinese New Year. After that, I hope to go to Kiev to meet with another mission group, before going to France. A good friend who left the old company I worked for five years ago has a job with a new company and he wants my help, plus I have a few other friends..."

Just like that, my mind was flooded with a new possibility.

"Dad? DAD! Are you okay?"

"Uh, yeah. Yes. I'm fine."

"What's that look on your face? That's the silliest crooked smile I've ever seen you wear."

"It's just a thought that hit me."

"Wait a minute. You're thinking of a girl. You have some woman in mind, don't you?"

"Don't be ridiculous. It hasn't been that long since your mom died."

"Dad?"

"What?"

"Who is she?"

"How the... how did you know?"

"Oh, come on! It's written all over your face. Spill and tell me who she is. You never did anything, did you?"

"No! Oh Lord, no. I was never unfaithful to your mother. I may have been horrible in other ways, but I never crossed that line."

"Well then, who is she?"

"Please don't be mad or judge me when I tell you this."

"I'll try. Tell me first."

"Okay. As I said, I've never cheated on your mother, but that doesn't mean I've never been tempted. There are two women from my past who really made it difficult to walk away and remain faithful. I realized I hope to see both of them on this trip. It's just... it didn't occur to me until this moment that my circumstances have changed and there may be something there to pursue."

"You're kidding."

"I'm not sure I'm ready. As I said, it was just something that hit my brain this instant."

"Look, Dad. Only you know if you're ready. That's still months away and you may feel differently when you actually see them. You need to find happiness. And... yes, I miss Mom a lot. "

"Me too."

"I know. But if she could see you now and who you've become, she'd want you to be happy. I know it."

"I need a big hug from my not-so-little girl."

I held my daughter and marveled at the woman she'd become. I silently thanked Linda for how she raised this precious girl without much help from me.

*****

Everything was falling into place for my trip. Retirement was just around the corner, and I found both my anticipation and anxiety were greatly increasing as I considered the possibilities that may arise. Since the night when Traci and I talked, my mind continually drifted to the two women I had in mind. To be honest, one of them captured most of my attention and imagination. I was strongly attracted to them both in the past, but the other woman seemed to fuel my curiosity more than any real passion. Who knows? Maybe they'll both find me unacceptable, or maybe they're both unavailable. For all the uncertainty surrounding them both, I was spending an inordinate amount of time thinking about them.

My company actually hosted a dinner for my retirement. I was completely roasted by speaker after speaker, with many references to what A.H. meant to them. I knew the spirit in which it was all intended, and felt a great warmth in our parting. By the end of the evening, I was completely roasted and wasted from too many toasts.

With my old career behind me, I only had a few weeks to prepare for my trip. I didn't have much to do to prepare the condo, since Traci was living there. I set her up with everything she needed to pay the bills and to live comfortably.

With those details out of the way, I bought a whole new wardrobe to pack enough for eight days at a time. That way I could travel light enough and I could send laundry out once a week.

Traci and I were flying together to San Diego on November 17^th. She would return home a week later, but I would not see the condo again until the following April, at the earliest. I was ready for my adventure to begin.

Thanksgiving in San Diego

Traci and I were juiced with anticipation as we boarded the 737 at Dulles International on our way to San Diego. We both missed seeing Caleb and Brenda in person, even though we had weekly calls on Skype.

"Wow, Dad. You didn't tell me we were flying first class!"

"It's actually business class, but close enough. Spending six-plus hours in coach is not my idea of a good time. What's in the bag—a present for your brother?"

"No. Actually, it's for you."

"What? You didn't need to get me anything. When can I open it?"

"Patience, old man!"

"Oh, come on. Now that I know it's for me, I want to open it."

A flight attendant interrupted us offering drinks before take-off. I noticed Traci was turning red, but I didn't know why.

"Okay, she's gone. Let me open it."

"All right, if you must. Here!"

I took the nicely wrapped package with the eager enthusiasm of a child at Christmas and started removing the wrapping.

"Dad, keep it hidden."

"Why? What did you buy...?"

I looked up at my daughter who was as red as a Valentine's Day card. I plunged her gift into the bag she had used to carry it.

"Traci! Condoms? Really?" I started laughing as I competed with her for the deepest shade of red. "Two boxes of thirty-six each? What do you think I'll be doing on this trip?"

Her eyes danced as she snickered uncontrollably.

"Look, you've been out of the game for a while. I just wanted you to be, well, safe, in case the situation came up." Her snickers morphed into full-blown laughter at her choice of words, and I couldn't help but to hug her as I joined in her jovial display.

"Sweetie! Seventy-two of them? I don't think I'm going to be that lucky."

"You never know. You need to get out there and spread your wings."

"But, Baby. This is not my 'get-laid-around-the-world' trip."

"I know. But you mentioned the two women you had thoughts about, and I wanted you to be ready. You know, be a good 'boy scout' and be prepared."

"I'm not even sure a worn-out old guy like me has a chance, Sweetie."

"Are you kidding? Dad, I know you're, what, forty-eight? But you're in good shape, great looking, and could pass for someone in his thirties. I've never mentioned it, but a couple of my girlfriends in college have asked if you were ready to date. You got it goin' on, old man!"

"Oh, you're full of baloney."

"Dad, you really have no idea, do you? You're a mature, but hot guy. If you really wanted to test the waters, I'd bet that supply of seventy-two won't last your whole trip."

"Bet? How much?"

"I'm just a poor, starving college girl."

"Okay. Something other than money."

"Ummm. Let me think."

"This has gotta be good."

"Stop! You're interrupting my brain."

"Okay. You come up with something."

"I've got it! We split making dinner every other night, which means I cook one night and you get take-out the other."

"You don't seem to mind take-out, and it's got to be better than my cooking."

"No, I'm good with that. Trust me!"

"So what are you suggesting?"

"Since we split the duties half and half, we'll split the bet based on half of the condoms. For every one over thirty-six you need, you take on dinner for a complete month. For every condom remaining over thirty-six, I'll take a month of dinner duty."

"So, if I use them all, that would mean I'm buying dinner for almost three years!"

"Look at it this way. If you use them all, isn't buying dinner worth getting laid thirty-six times?"

"I see your point. Okay, you're on."

"Great!"

"You know, this is a strange conversation for a father and daughter."

"I know. It was also a strange gift. I just want you to know that it's okay to move on, Dad."

"I'm not sure Pastor Hank would agree that this is okay."

"Then we won't tell him."

It was good to laugh and joke with my daughter, but then my mind started to betray me. I tried to stay cool and calm, but my face must have telegraphed a fear rising in me that I hadn't foreseen.

"Dad? What's wrong?"

"Well, I... gee whiz!"

"Dad?"

"I... I'm not sure you're aware of this, but I've never been with anyone but your mom."

"I knew you were her first and only, but I wasn't sure about the other way around. But, so what?"

"I'm rather nervous about the whole concept of being active that way."

"Look, Dad. Even if you bring home all seventy-two, if you're happy with yourself then I'm happy for you. Just be you... well, the new you, and don't stress about it."

"Can I ask a personal question?"

"You're wondering if I view sex as casually as I seem to be suggesting."

"How'd you know?"

"Because you're my dad. And the answer is, no. I'm not a virgin, but I've only made love with one guy who I felt something special for. If you must know, you've probably had sex more recently than me."

"Tim Cunningham?"

"Yeah. I thought we were in it for the long haul, but college changed him."

"Should I find him and hurt him?"

"Dad! Don't overreact. I'm a big girl and can handle life's ups and downs."

"Yes, you are."

A tear trickled down my cheek. Traci noticed and wiped it away with a kiss.

"Sweetie, I'm so... I'm so proud of the woman you've grown into, even though I didn't have much to do with it. You have no idea how grateful I am that you gave me a second chance to be your dad."

I hugged her and let her know how much I loved her. We settled in to our comfortable business class seats as the jet took off, and I dozed the rest of the flight as I contemplated our strange and yet wonderful conversation. I came to the conclusion that it was a time I'd fondly treasure for years to come.

*****

We landed and retrieved our bags. I had one bag for months of planned travel. Traci had three checked bags and a carry-on for one week at her brothers.

Traci drooled over the Mustang convertible I rented. I would be driving up the coast after Thanksgiving, and I wanted to enjoy the whole California experience.

I no sooner pulled into Caleb's drive that he and Brenda ran out the front door and scurried out to greet us.

"You made it!"

Caleb's expression reminded me of the little boy who would greet me after a long business trip. Shivers of joy ran up my spine. Traci squealed and ran into her brother's arms while I hugged Brenda and then pulled Caleb and Traci into a four-way embrace.

We spent the following days just being a family. It made me miss Linda all that much more, but I couldn't deny the overwhelming joy I felt when I realized my kids had forgiven the sins of their asshole father.

That Wednesday, Traci and Brenda had a full day of prep for the Thanksgiving feast, so Caleb and I joined two of his friends for eighteen holes of golf. Again, my thoughts went to regretting these kinds of bonding events I missed out on or that I took for granted. I struggled to let the guilt go so the happiness I was experiencing could push aside the past and allow me to thoroughly enjoy the man my son grew to become.

I awoke early Thanksgiving Day and thought I'd take a walk. Traci was up, too, and decided to join me. This trip was starting out better than I had planned. Snippets of special times with each of my kids and the daughter-in-law I'd grown to treasure as if she were my own flesh-and-blood were becoming fond memories for me to file in recesses of my mind for future reflection.

The smells emanating from the kitchen had us all in a constant state of drool. I think the aroma of a roasting turkey is even better than the experience of eating it. The home felt warm and comfortable the way a home should.

After a relaxing day, at least for Caleb and I while the women toiled in the kitchen, we sat at the table in front of a banquet fit for a king. Caleb asked me to say the blessing, which I did without hesitation.