Know Thyself

You know how sometimes you can be talking or reading and your brain makes you multitask by thinking of something else? I was praying and thanking God for all He provides when I realized this was the first time I ever prayed with or in front of my children. Memories of my previous life as an asshole fueled my guilt again, but made me even more thankful for where I was today.

"Amen."

"Thanks for praying, Dad. Now, pass the mashed potatoes." Caleb had a hungry look so I figured I better comply. We passed all the dishes and filled our plates to overflowing. Brenda and Traci did amazing work.

Caleb took his first bite and announced a new tradition he wanted us to begin.

"As we eat, can we each take turns just talking about the things we're thankful for? I think it would be great to honor the intent of the day and to acknowledge all the blessings we enjoy."

We went around the table and shared emotional moments of thankfulness for each other, for Linda and who she was and what she meant to our lives, for the healing and forgiveness we've experienced, and so much more.

Brenda had been listening intently but hadn't shared yet. She seemed to wait until the rest of us ran out of steam before she spoke.

"Well, I'm thankful for a wonderful husband, and being a part of this family. This past year has been hard in many ways, and yet it's been extremely rewarding in many other ways. And now, we can be thankful that next year we'll have a new family member joining us."

Caleb was beaming, and Traci squealed before I realized the meaning of her words. Yes, I was slow on the uptake.

"You mean... you guys are..."

"Yes, Dad. Brenda and I are expecting a new little Howe family member!"

Hugs and kisses appropriately interrupted the meal for about 5 minutes. It was glorious.

"I'm going to be an aunt! I want to be the crazy aunt that the kid loves and the parents fear."

"I expected nothing less, Sis."

Traci glared back at her brother. "Gee, thanks, Bro! So, Brenda, when are you due?"

"Sometime early in June."

"That's perfect. Classes will be over and I can come and help you for a few weeks. Ooh, and Dad, your trip will be over by then."

"True! If it's okay with you guys, can I come and stay in the area a little while to help you get settled in with your little one?"

Caleb smiled with obvious pride and looked lovingly at his wife who nodded her happy approval.

"Dad, we'd love it if you could."

I hated for that week to end. I don't think I ever experienced such a strong sense of family, and I craved more of it. Hopefully, Christmas would be the same exhilarating experience, but it was time to start the first leg of my solitary adventure.

Santa Monica

Monday after Thanksgiving, I said my goodbye's and started my drive up the coast to Santa Monica. I had no particular agenda for that area, but it seemed to be a good stopping point in my drive up the Pacific coast. I arrived at the Hotel Casa Del Mar just after noontime and spent some time making preparations for my next destination in Monterey before taking a walk to the Santa Monica Pier.

The day was rather hot for November, but beautiful nonetheless. I tried to walk at a leisurely pace and quickly discovered I don't know how to do that, so I stepped up the tempo to a more comfortable pace.

It didn't take long for me to discover something else. Walking alone and visiting sites without anyone to share it with was damn lonely and, in fact, boring. 'Great,' I thought. 'It was only day one and I'm bored out of my gourd.'

By 4:30, I was back in my room and feeling a bit depressed. I watched a little TV, then went to the hotel bar before getting some dinner. At the bar I met Bill, a travelling businessman, and we struck up a quick friendship. Bill was a marketing executive and I found him fascinating to talk with. He joined me for dinner in the hotel seafood restaurant called 'Catch,' and we drank and dined away each other's loneliness for an evening. I hit the sack before 10 and stared at the ceiling while wondering if this trip was a mistake. I hoped day two would prove to be better.

In the morning, I checked out and hit the road by 7:00. I expected to drive about eight hours and wanted to arrive at my hotel early enough to relax for the evening.

The scenic drive was everything I hoped it would be. With the top down, I cruised along and tried to relive my youth while playing some Beach Boys music from my iPhone. The breeze had the wonderful scent of the salt water, except when occasional stretches added the odor of decaying ocean life to the mix. Somehow, even that didn't take away from the experience.

I found a little harbor shack restaurant for lunch, enjoyed a crab stuffed artichoke, and resumed my journey towards Monterey. I wasn't sure if the site-seeing in Monterey would be any better than my Santa Monica experience, but at least for the next day I had set up a round of golf and hoped the course would come through with their promise to pair me up with some interesting people to make a foursome. Even a bad day of golf was still a good day, so my mood was riding high on good vibrations and high expectations.

Monterey

I pulled in to the parking lot at the Monterey Plaza just after 4:00. After the long drive all I wanted to do was get a few drinks, grab a quick dinner and retire for the night. I had an 8 AM tee-time, and needed to be there early enough to rent my clubs and meet the other members of my foursome. Unlike the previous night, I don't even remember my head hitting the pillow before I was asleep.

I bounced out of bed at 6:00 and prepare for a great day of 18 holes. I was getting dressed when I noticed my daughter's gift, and I couldn't hold back a chuckle. 'I don't think I'll need any condoms for these 18 holes,' I thought to myself.

This part of my trip was to fulfill my own travel fantasy. I always wanted to play golf at a beautiful course next to the ocean, and this one fit the bill. The Pacific Grove Golf Links was a beautiful course on the tip of the Monterey Peninsula, with outstanding ocean views. I parked and inhaled the ocean air, and absorbed the scenic atmosphere as I walked into the clubhouse.

"Mr. Howe, welcome."

"It's good to be here. I'm looking forward to playing this course. It's my first time here."

"Oh, you'll love it. There's several sets of rental clubs over there for you to choose from. You said your set at home is Top Flight Gamer, and we have two of those available."

"Great. I'm sure one of those will do. How did you make out pairing me with some other guys for a foursome?"

"Well, I hope you're okay that we're setting you up with three ladies. They're regulars here and play very well, and I know others that we've paired them with enjoyed the round."

That shocked me a bit, but I decided I didn't mind that at all. I decided to joke with my helper.

"Are you saying you've set me up on a blind date with three lovely ladies? Wow! Count me in."

"Sir, you can thank me later if you enjoy yourself, and I think you'll have a good time. Here comes one of them, now."

A lovely woman who appeared to be in her 40's approached us with a cute smile. The song 'California Girls' came to my mind as this blonde vision of beauty walked towards me and seemed to be checking me out. I suddenly felt self-conscious and hoped she liked what little I offered.

"Paul, sweetie, the girls are all here and it's a fine day for some fun on the course. Did you find a victim to be our fourth?"

"Ms. Peterson, this is Mr. Howe and he would be glad to join you."

"Mr. Howe!"

"Good morning, and please call me Anson."

"Glad to meet you, Anson. And I'm Angela. So, you don't mind playing with women?"

I must have turned bright red since I didn't miss her double entendre.

"Oh, Anson. I'm sorry. I've embarrassed you. The three of us tend to be a little playful and a bit risqué. I hope you don't mind."

"That's fine, Angela. I love playing with women, and that includes golf."

She touched my arm as she laughed at my poor joke. I'm not usually a touchy-feely guy, although it seemed I was developing that trait, but Angela's touch sent a strange warmth through me. I couldn't help but instantly like her.

"Great. Shall we go meet the others and get ready to tee off?"

I grabbed the rental clubs and followed her to the golf carts, where I fell into the probing gaze of two equally beautiful women about the same age as Angela.

"Girls, this is Anson. Anson, the blonde bombshell there is Lisa, and the voluptuous redhead is Cassie. Together we're the Jilted Wives Club, and you get to be our target for male-bashing today."

"Well, I'll do my duty and take the lumps for the male population."

I put my clubs in the cart as the three of them huddled in a thinly-veiled conspiracy meeting. They made no effort to hide a quick game of rock, paper, and scissors. The meeting broke up and Angela walked towards me while the other ladies grabbed their clubs and put them on the other cart.

"It looks like I'm your cart-mate for the day if it's okay with you."

"So, you lost at rock, paper, and scissors?"

She flashed a huge smile. "No, Sweetie. I won! Do you mind if I drive, or are you all macho and feel the need to exert your male dominance behind the wheel?"

"It would be my honor to be your passenger."

I may have made an error in judgment. She drove like a wild woman. We arrived at the first tee and were fourth in line to tee-off when Lisa decided to break the ice.

"So, Anson, are you married?"

"No, no, I'm single."

"So did you cheat on her and she divorced your ass?"

Angela jumped to my defense, even though Lisa was clearly kidding around.

"Lisa! Mind your manners."

"Just asking. So, why is a great looking guy your age single and playing golf with three MILFs?"

"Not sure about the great looking part, but I'm here as part of a travel adventure I decided to take after my wife passed away last year."

Angela grabbed me and hugged me. "Oh, God, Anson. I'm so sorry. Damn it, Lisa, are you happy?"

The next thing I knew, I was a man sandwich in a four-way hug. Apologies and regrets were flying all over the place.

"Ladies, ladies, it okay. Life has thrown all of us some curveballs, it seems. Let's just have a fun day."

Sitting in the cart, Angela didn't want to let me go. She just held me until we were able to move the cart when it was our turn to tee off. As we each grabbed our drivers and headed to the tee box, they wanted to set some ground rules. It was clear that Cassie was the rule-giver.

"Okay, Anson. Unlike a lot of wimpy ladies, we use the white tees and not the lady's tees. That means we are subject to the dick-out rule."

"Dick-out? I'm afraid to ask."

"You don't know that one? It's simple. It's usually a guy thing, but basically if your drive doesn't make it past the lady's tee, you have to play that entire hole with your dick out."

"Wait! That's not fair. I'm the only one who has one of those. At least, I think so."

They were having lots of fun and laughs at my expense, but it was good-natured fun.

"No, you are correct. We substitute the protruding parts of our bodies that best fit the intent. So we play dick-or-boobs out."

"That's a lot of pressure, but... okay."

"Really? You're the first to agree. Are you some kind of ringer?"

"No. In fact, I may need sunscreen for a part of me that doesn't see the sun that often. But I'm willing to risk it."

Fortunately, I played well and the ladies were pretty good, too. No hidden parts got exposed that day. Angela shared a lot about her life and the breakup of her marriage due to her husband's skirt-chasing. I shared about myself and I was surprised how comfortable I felt talking with her. I liked these three women and thoroughly enjoyed the day. I hated to see it end as we pulled the cart into the unloading area.

"Angela, thank you for a very enjoyable day. Getting to know you was a real bonus for me."

"I had fun, too. I'm sorry you're leaving in a few days. I wouldn't mind spending a little more time with you, especially since I'm pretty much alone most of the time."

"Well... what are you doing tomorrow?"

She screwed her face up into a cute but suggestive grin. "Anson, just what do you have in mind?"

"I wondered if you'd spend the day with me showing me the really good sites rather than the tourist traps. It's my treat and it sure beats sightseeing on my own."

"Hey, that sounds like a fine idea. I'd love to do that."

"Then, can I push my luck and ask if you'd join me for dinner tonight?"

"Just dinner, right?"

"Of course."

"All right. I want to go home to shower and change. How about if I pick you up at your hotel at five and take you to a great seafood restaurant that the local folks love."

"It's a date!"

"Ooh, a date. The girls are going to be jealous."

We exchanged information and departed our separate ways to prepare for the evening. I enjoyed my dinner with Marketing Bill in Santa Monica, but I knew Angela would be much more interesting.

I showered, put on a nice causal shirt and walked out the hotel front door just as she arrived.

"Hi, gorgeous!" I knew she was attractive, but dressed for dinner she was stunning. I fought to keep my composure and not drool down my shirt. She was wearing a very sexy black casual dress and I couldn't help but to sneak glances to admire her beauty.

"Hey, handsome. You look good enough to eat."

"Uhh...I..."

"Relax, Anson. I just like to see you blush. You do it rather often."

We went to a place on the water called the Sardine Factory. The setting was beautiful and quiet enough that we could freely talk. And talk, we did. Without her two cohorts, Angela was much more refined but still very interesting. I found myself looking into her eyes and wondering what kind of fool would cheat on her and break her heart.

I was thrilled that Angela was the type who liked it when dinner companions shared each other's meals. She ordered scallops, while I ordered the swordfish steak, and both were out of this world. During dessert I was just thinking how the night was passing far too quickly when I noticed Angela pause a moment while tasting her Crème Brûlée. Her face darkened with a look of sadness.

"What's wrong? Is your dessert okay?"

"Oh, no. It's wonderful. It's just..."

"What? What are you thinking?"

"Damn it! I wish you lived around here. I... I really like you, Anson. Now I've made you blush again."

"Angela, getting to know you today has been a huge unexpected pleasure. I find myself wishing my itinerary was flexible enough so I could stay much longer. You are an amazing woman. But, we'll see each other tomorrow."

"I... well... I kinda..."

"Now you're blushing. What are you thinking?"

"I'm trying to say I'd like to spend some quality time with you in your room without sounding like a slut."

"Oh. Wow!"

"You're turning red again, Anson. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have blurted that out. But I couldn't help myself."

I wondered if Traci knew this was how my trip would go. I couldn't pull my thoughts together to give a coherent reply."

"Anson? What do you think?"

"In the spirit of pure honesty, let me give you my thoughts in no particular order. I'm really attracted to you and every fiber of my being wants to scream 'yes, a thousand times yes.' You are a very sexy woman and there are parts of me already preparing for the possibility."

"I hear a 'but' coming."

"Yeah. And the 'but' scares me. You see, I've only been with one woman in my life. And it's been over a year since I, well... you know. So, I guess I'm afraid I may disappoint you."

Angela rose from her chair and moved to the seat next to me. She leaned in and we kissed for the first time. Initially, it was just lips, but quickly evolved into much more. Breathing heavily, our mouths parted and she whispered into my ear.

"I haven't been with a man for several years. And I'm quite sure that the man who just kissed me that passionately will not disappoint me in the least."

The drive back to my hotel was intimately quiet as we held hands or as I stroked her hair. Hand in hand, we walked to my room and entered. The door hadn't completely closed before our lips and tongues met with frantic lust.

"I need to freshen up in the little girl's room. I'll be right back." She turned to enter the bathroom when something caught her eye. "Anson, two large boxes of condoms? What kind of trip are you planning and what's this about you've only been with one woman and it's been over a year?"

She was clearly upset with doubts about my intentions, but she didn't expect my outburst of laughter.

"My daughter gave me those and told me to have fun. At first, I thought she was joking, but in reality it was her way to tell me it was time to move on."

"So, you've told the truth? You're not playing me?"

"Angie, if we do what I think we'll do, you will be the second woman with whom I've been intimate."

"Then you better put several on the night table. It's going to be a long, wonderful night."

It was. We did some awesome things I'd never tried before. I fell asleep down three condoms and my entire spine was missing. Or, at least, I assumed my spine was gone, since I felt like a mass of completely contented jelly. Angela was magical between the sheets, on top of the sheets, in the shower, on the floor and in my arms. Just to be sure I was completely drained, one more condom gave its life to our pleasure in the morning.

Maybe Traci knew what she was doing by giving me her gift.

Angela went home and changed before we went sightseeing for the day. Without a doubt, sightseeing with someone is so much better. She spent the night with me again, and two more condoms made the ultimate sacrifice.

When we awoke in the morning, we both knew our time together was at an end. We traded oral pleasures, enjoyed a final shower together, and we struggled to put the two days in perspective with a tearful goodbye. In the back of my mind, I considered keeping Angela in my thoughts for a possible relationship. But how much did I really know her?

At that moment I could see myself with Angela. But even a dumb old butthead like me understands that she was the first woman I was with other than Linda, and my strong feeling of connection might not be built on a firm foundation. Not wanting to give her any false hopes, I let her know I may not contact her for several months, but I hoped we could keep in touch.

Would that really happen? Time and distance would put our fling in perspective.

Wine Country

Early the following morning I drove to the San Francisco Airport to turn in my rental car, and meet up with a tour bus that would take me and fifteen other people to see California wine country for five days and five nights. I've always enjoyed wine, but I would not have chosen that portion of the trip except for the fact that it was Linda's top priority. I didn't expect to have a bad time. I mean, I'm was sure it would be fun. But I was there for her sake.

After brief and cordial introductions to the other tourists, we boarded the bus and started towards our first winery. I thought back to my school-days and envisioned a party atmosphere. I was wrong. We were sixteen of the quietest people I've ever been around. We would have been noise-level safe in a library.

Most were couples travelling together. I appeared to be the only single, and there was one other group of three consisting of a man and two women. The one woman seemed to be his wife or significant other. The third member of their threesome must be a sister of either the husband or wife. She sat across the aisle in the row in front of me, and other than an occasional whisper across the aisle to the man I assumed was her brother, she stayed to herself, seemingly lost in her own thoughts.