Lessons of Darkness

"So what happened?" Asks Charlotte.

I give her the brief overview of this Garland fellow, his partnership with Marchosias and what meager ideas me and Lilith could scrap together for how to separate the two of them.

"There is one question that came up that I told her I would ask," I say, dreading what comes next.

"Oh what is it?" Charlotte asks with enough guileless curiosity that makes me fret over the transition I'm going to have to make.

"She... Wants for... me to ask you... If it would be ok... If... I were... To... Make love to her," I say, spraying the last few words as rapidly as possible. Don't know why beyond the usual irrationality of anxiety, it didn't make her understand what I just said any less.

Another silence occurs, one that ranks among the most uncomfortable that I've experienced. Definitely a top 5 contender if not Mr. #1 itself. And to do this to a woman I adore too, another lemon slice to squeeze on the open wound that is my sense of shame. But what to do? Someone I have feelings for is going to be leaving this situation with bad sentiments abounding. My only hope is to do as much damage control as possible.

After a moment of thinking, Charlotte responds with a simple "What do you want to do?" If only my answer could be so simple.

"I... I don't know. I mean I would but there's you but I don't want you to feel like you're an imposition. I love you and want to put what's best for our relationship above all. But she was so sad and missed me so much and couldn't find the love we shared with anybody else so I promised her I'd ask you. I didn't think about how you would feel when I asked you. And I just don't know what to do, I love you but I also kind of sort of love her too even though it's not possible for the two of us to be together. But if it were possible I don't know what I'd do. I mean I love you, I really do. It's just... I don't know. I want to do what's right but I don't know what that is," I say in the rapid patter of a man who is in a panic at all the feelings closing in on him and thinks that if he can just express them fast enough than he can outrun them. Yet all I have done is succeed in making them apparent and bringing them to the surface.

So hello silence once more, I see you didn't bring treats this time around either. My vision of Charlotte's contemplative eyes appears to be the third wheel in my relationship with this dreadful quiet. What insights can I gleam from those eyes of hers? Well she doesn't seem to look mad, that's good. But I can't say that I find much in the way of happiness in there.

No it's the confliction that comes with any sort of substantial relationships. Sacrifices that have to be made now permeate the bond that exist between us, changing, mutating and complicating the feelings we have towards one another. It's going to take... I don't know what exactly to get us back to the place of trust and reveling in each other's company that we once shared.

A difference in commonality has just opened up. A road not taken for me has now become apparent before both party's eyes, one in which Charlotte would have had no place on. The complexities of love and monogamy become tangled before each other, separating the two of us with many a knot that we'll have to figure out how to untie before we make our way back into each other's good graces.

The most crushing part of this whole ordeal is we still love each other, we really do. It's just our love now has to swerve past a few obstacles before it finds its way back to one another. The waiting sure is painful though, seeing someone you care for so much and not being able to reach out to them. They're just out of your grasp as they stew in the words you wish you hadn't said but know in the end that you needed to.

"I... I love you. I believe that... Monogamy is possible, even beneficial in a serious relationship. I would like to continue doing that but I don't want to make you feel deprived," Charlotte finally makes out.

"... Is that an answer? Yes or no?" I ask desperately.

"No, it's just how I feel."

Trying to draw an even clearer picture of my intentions, I spurt out "She just... Misses me. In her line of work she doesn't really come into guys like me. She just wants to experience what I have to offer again. If there was someone else who could do that for her I would leave it at that. But she's in pain, and I have love for her. All I want to do is take away some of the pain for her, really."

And that was that. That seems as much headway as we're going to get with the situation tonight. We've both made our feelings heard and we both respect the others. How we're going to reconcile the other's feelings though remains to be seen. If either of us had any ideas that would smooth out the process than we'd be ears a pricking. Regrettably though a suitable solution fails to come to either one of us.

So we prepare ourselves for a night solely devoted to sleeping. Love making would be a distant dream for the time being. A dream we both would've wanted to share but one that has no basis in the reality that we find ourselves in. Instead we find each other lying side by side, facing away from one another, lost in our own thoughts. Wondering what exactly the other person is thinking.

Now I try to shift my mind to my upcoming battle with Marchosias and Garland but instead I think of Charlotte's role in this approaching skirmish, which is probably none. Lilith would most undoubtedly make a more advantageous partner in what I'm dealing with. Yet I would not dare summon her again without an answer to her question.

And also even after everything my heart still seems to direct me toward the lady sleeping right beside me. I don't know if it's the workings of fate that seem to work pretty directly through me or my actual feelings guiding me toward what I know I want. But I want her, more than anything. I want the lady of the cloth who was able to accept me. The woman who showed me that at least moments of salvation are possible in the work that I do. The woman who's proof that someone so light could be willing to compliment me.

That is the partner I want to make my way back to. However, even though I am supposed to be focused on severing Marchosias and Garland's bond, it seems like all I have succeeded in doing is weakening me and my wife's. I'm going to figure this one out, I swear. Get us back to the state that we both want to be in. And that's a fucking promise.

***************************************

So outside my manor I stand alone, book in hand. Not sure what good it's going to do, hasn't helped much so far. But I suppose it's better to have than not. At the very least I can throw it at either Garland or Marchosias, though I can't envision a future in which that does any good. It may even do harm as far as I know.

Nevertheless, I'm here ready to show up to a two against one fight with the odds most assuredly not in my favor. But that's always been the case. A guy just mostly winging it and using whatever wits he has in his arsenal against beings of legend and somehow managing to grasp his way to the right side of victory. That's the way the story has been going, lots of reasons to suspect that's the way it will continue.

Except this time I'm up against some team players while I'm going solo on this mission. A little twist to the expected formula that my encounters with the demonic have been following. That twist might just be the ingredient that makes this the concoction that blows up in my face however. Well I've never gotten by on my good looks before, my face can take it.

So doorknob in hand, I force myself to give it a bit of a twist and pull the door open as the inky black abyss that now inhabits my home flows out of it, emitting a warning of what dangers lie within. A warning I will have to not quite ignore but also not quite follow as I take a step into whatever destination that fate requires of me. Garland and Marchosias appear to be filtering some of the netherworld into my house to keep themselves alive.

The sound of the door closing comes from behind me, with me not completely sure if it was from my doing or if some other force residing here did the favor for me. Whatever may be the case, this is my bed now and I have to do my best not to get too tangled up in it.

I start by taking some steps knowing that it doesn't really matter where I go. Garland is going to come to me eventually. Might as well make it look like I'm walking with some purpose before he does though. At least give off the illusion that I have some plan. An illusion that might grant me caution from whatever combination of human demon that my previously unknown relative Garland is now.

"Oh Mr. Black?" I hear, the voice that I now know belongs to Garland calling my name.

"Garland I presume," I reply, trying to keep an even keel in the face of a foe who has more potential to destroy me than any before. I don't want to let him know that I'm on shaky ground even in comparison to my earlier encounters with the demonic.

"You presume correctly but in return I'm going to assume you don't know the full story. Do you want to know how and why I first entered the demonic world?" The being that still has the moniker Garland Black says, even if it has mutated quite a bit from the one that originally had that name bestowed upon it.

"Sure, why not," I say trying to mask some legitimate curiosity with a constructed apathy on my part.

"Well it all has to go back to that book you're holding," he says as I instinctively look down at the book in question. "Don't worry, I don't want it now."

"What about it?" I ask.

"Once upon a time I did want it, but your parents wouldn't give it to me," he says to no reaction on my part. "What's the matter? Did the mention of your parents get your tongue?"

"Me and my parents weren't exactly that close. It's more like I don't know how to respond to a mention of them," I answer honestly.

"Oh... Well. In any case I wanted to the book. I was born to a part of your family not as knowledgeable in regards to the occult as your parents were. I begged them to teach me but they said no. So I had to become a bit more forceful."

I can tell where he's going with this. Well in case I had any curiosity of what had become of my parents then most of my questions are going to be answered.

"So I had them cornered with weapon in hand and gave them one last chance to give me that book of yours. If I couldn't learn from them than at least give a guy a second hand source. But they couldn't even find it in their hearts to do that. Instead they summoned up a portal to the netherworld that sucked us all in, sacrificing themselves to take care of me.

With us all trapped in there, your parents used the last of their energy to send the book away to where I assume you found it and then disintegrated into the dark ether, to god knows where. But I didn't disintegrate. I stayed there making my way among the demons. Until I met my good pal Marchosias who may just have a bone to pick with you."

And suddenly I knew to jump out of the way. Don't know if fate's attempting to help me out or I still have a few extra senses but something wicked this way comes. And so I barely miss something nasty from god knows what. It's dark here but that thing is somehow even darker. A pure blackness that is lightly visible in the already dark shades of black that now inhabit this room. A shadow serpent that can move through the darkness with ease and me in its sights. And I don't think it's going to be quite so cavalier the next time it strikes.

"Marchosias!" I try calling out. The demon responds with something akin to inquiry. At the very least I believe it will hear me out before it tries to kill me again.

"Do you really want to serve this ersatz leader? A human playing at demon?" I ask with all the righteous imploration I can muster.

"Why yes, I think it does," replies Garland to my chagrin.

Well that does it. I was a fool to think that I could break their bond. They have too strong a common vision to work together toward for me to have been able to turn one against the other. And that common vision is one of pain and destruction, one that is about to claim me as the first victim.

I know it's coming for me and I know I'm not going to be fast enough to dodge it this go around. This may be the ending that fate has in mind for me. All that's left to do is brace myself for the impact. And what a regrettable time to bite it too, this is how Charlotte is going to remember me. Me asking her if she was willing for me to cheat on her with a demon. What a piss poor elegy she'll have for me.

It's coming now, faster than my body could ever hope to move. Just have the split few seconds to think before the end comes for me. All I can think about is how much I would've liked to have been there for Charlotte, to have experienced life with her. To have warmed my way back into her good graces. To have known that this was no obstacle that couldn't have been overcome. To have lived a life with the one person who actually makes me fear death, because it means one less second with her. All that will be lost any moment now.

Except for it wasn't. I hear something and move to uncover my eyes to see flashes of purple and red come before me to stave off the shadow serpent that seeks to do me harm. As you can probably guess these flashes were coming from none other than the demon Lilith, who had come to protect me in my hour of need.

She is here for me, without the unitive goal that brought Marchosias and Garland together. She could care less about the havoc that the two could wreck on this world, as long as that havoc does not include me in any sort of way. She knows what she wants and that is to protect me. To go beyond pure selfishness as I once did for her, to be there for me without any expectation that I'll return the favor. She wants me in this world, whether I service her or not, solely because my continued existence will make her happy.

The counterattack appears to have shook up ol' Marchosias mighty bad. It was not expecting to have come face to face with a demon ally of my own. Especially one with Lilith's purpose, to save rather than to hurt. One that directly challenged its own goals while coming from a source that's similar to it. Looks like that common vision Marchosias and Garland shared just got a bit more singular as Marchosias is now focused on getting the hell out of Dodge. Garland can fend for himself as Marchosias flees to its home world, forgetting to bring its master along for the ride.

"Marchosias? Where are you going?" Calls out Garland, but it's no use. Marchosias is gone for good and with it the black inkiness that characterizes the netherworld starts to dwindle.

"Say Lilith?" I ask my newfound defender.

"What is it Mr. Black?" She asks back.

"My relative Garland here seems to have given up some of his humanity during his time in the netherworld. Got a little demonic on us. How long do you think he'll last on an earthly plane now?"

"I don't know, a few days tops without Marchosias around. I can probably last a week or so myself."

"And even with the demonic in him, Garland still doesn't have quite enough power for him to do little more than annoy us right?"

"That's correct."

"No! What are you doing? Send me back please!" Pleads Garland feebly.

"Looks like annoying is what he'll be doing, might as well stay at the motel as he gets his final tantrums in," I suggest.

"Yes, let's," Lilith agrees. And so off we go out the front door leaving Garland's cries fully ensconced in our metaphorical rear view mirror. Together we exit and close the door on yet another foe.

"So how did you get back here?" I ask Lilith.

"Well I may have overheard a little of your summoning spell, looked at your book while you weren't looking. I can summon myself now if I feel like it. I showed up because I thought you were too scared to ask for back up" she responds.

However there's another issue at hand, what will become of me and Lilith's relationship?

"Lilith," I say to her with trepidation.

"Yes?" she asks softly, probably guessing where I'm going with this.

"I'm so sorry," I say as cordially as possible.

"I understand," she says crestfallenly before asking "Was it her that said no?"

"No, it's me saying no. If I said yes it would just be like you with your collection. I would be feeding you a feeling that you would keep coming back for over and over again. I don't want that for you, I want you to be able to stand on your own two feet again."

She nods in an agreement that she's surprised she is capable of. "Friends?" She asks.

"Friends," I reply and together we hug.

Perhaps we cling so tightly to monogamy because it's proof that a person is more important to us than sexual desires. It's certainly not because we want to be the only one a person loves, for I love Lilith in this moment just as much as I love Charlotte. I am just choosing to only engage sexually with Charlotte.

And also I am in fact putting Lilith above my sexual desires because I know they will not be good for her. I'm sure she could make me feel as good as she previously did, but to what end? As I said before there is not a suitable base for our relationship to blossom. The time we did get together intimately was sublime but it's better to stay allies on each side of the divide for now.

And so she once again returns to where she belongs as I go to drive to my beloved wife and spend a few days with her away while Garland slowly wastes away in the manor.

***************************************

I park outside the motel we're staying in. Not sure exactly what's going to happen with Charlotte. I made my decision and I believe it is one that Charlotte will be happy with. But the fact remains that I was hesitant regarding a choice in which one end result would've irrevocably hurt our relationship. That's something that I'm going to have to face up to now.

Hopefully I will be met with acceptances for my apologies. But for now it's up the stairs I go, with each step taking me closer and closer to what Charlotte has in store for me. I hope there's a light at the end of this tunnel, one that promises a new horizon where possibilities for the two of us abound.

Time to face the music. I unlock the door to find Charlotte there, relieved to find that I've returned. But then she stops for a second, remembering the conversation we had before I went to deal with Garland. The choice that I was given, whose decision will infer everything that happens for the rest of our time together.

I simply shake my head no and it looks like a weight has been lifted from her shoulders. Her forgiveness for even bringing up the issue spreads forth like a celestial wave that hits me, assuaging my own guilt much more than any justifications I could've come up with by myself. The healing has commenced and finished in record time.

She walks up to me and I close the distance. We hold each other in a passionate embrace, enjoying the warmth of the other's breath as it hits our respective shoulders. We take a moment longer than is absolutely necessary to hold each other, just enjoying each other's presence after finally clearing the obstacle that was parting us.

And then the embrace finds its way into a kiss. Not the kind that sells itself as a big finale, but one that promises even more to come. But there's no harm in not hurrying along and instead taking one's time at first base. Just enjoying the feelings of our lips mashing together after such an emotionally hectic absence.

Our hands slightly paw at each other's forearms as our lips move in succulent bliss. Finding the right combination of movement and cherishment that reflects the escalating evolution of our relationship, with each day for the most part growing better and better. There may be an occasional speed bump here and there sure but its far from the boom bust cycle that characterize so many a failed relationship.