Losing

I made a connection, "So, her workmate that lost her family was not female, which she clearly led me to believe."

"Jim, Addie didn't treat you right, but she did try. She had reinforcement to do the right thing, then having failed in that, to make things right. She saw me frown every time she wanted to tell you she had a very close friend and didn't. I told her what-was-what when she began feeling more for him and didn't bring it up to you then either. You did something wonderful for her, and were, uh sorry are, wonderful to her family, her friends, and she felt she couldn't tell you and hurt you. The absolute most unholy thing about all of this, is if she'd told you about his troubles, you would have taken him in and helped him. I'm sure that in the full light of day their relationship never would have become lov ... um, deeper."

I let out a huge exhale into their shattered faces. "Love? Please no. Not on her part."

Carol's cringe was full sympathy while her eyes still flared with anger, "Jim, it seemed their relationship became secret almost by accident, because they were past lovers. If that fact were well known in their workplace it would have been more than awkward. Once they recognized their past relationship was clandestine, it let the envelope expand into other clandestine areas it never should have. Love can grow in the dark; sometimes amped up specifically because it is illicit."

My face felt like it must look bitter as hell. Apparently, something else shone through as well.

Astonished Carol hushed out, "Y-You would forgive her even this, wouldn't you?"

Why not answer her, they knew of my humiliation before I did, "Some use it as an expression. I truly believe Addie is my better half. She's part of me, I can't leave her, at least not easily: it would be like an amputation or something. Trying to cut her out of me would probably kill me. However, my losing her when she's been the one sneaking around also offends my sense of justice. Still, you must keep in mind as I consider myself the lesser half, that to divide us is simply to take bad tissue away from her."

Carol was truly outraged, "T-That's preposterous: you're the good guy here! As much as I love my friend, she's done the bad thing, she's done ALL the bad things."

I tilted my head looking Carol in the eye, "Then isn't love wonderful that I will still defend her, even when she is doing something bad."

Carol was indignant, "Even hurting you? Dammit, Jim, she's doing the bad things TO you."

"Yes. As long as she doesn't kill me." I held my palms open to the them pleading for them to understand, "That's the definition: I can forgive a dalliance, but not leaving me." I knew I looked miserable. Why hold anything back? So I told them where my defense of my wife would end, I had publicly defined one limit of my love. "I feel love should be defended to the last full measure: you go down with the ship. Once submerged you're free to save your life as an individual. But love is too rare a commodity to treat cheaply or casually. It's a blessing, not a commodity. The world would be a better place if people understood that."

The ladies looked at me differently now. Carol was feeling whatever she'd felt previously, only more so now. The other woman seemed to have been backing the romance at work, perhaps living vicariously. She didn't know me that well, so it was easy to root for the two people she knew: Addie and Rob. I could tell she was changing her allegiance.

I took another labored inhalation. They looked at me wondering what that one was about. Damn it in for a penny in for a pound. "I can't believe I've brought him inside and made him palatable to everyone and SHE loves him back! I truly thought all the deep feelings were on his side: that he was merely an ego trip to her. Sure, I figured she had a fondness for him, she'd have to in order to ..." I let my sentence lay there bleeding. "Actually, I still have trouble believing she ever did this: had ... an affair. It's my duty to protect my wife. I need to give her the benefit of the doubt. I love her, so it's doubly so, but I can't accept this; it's so hard for me to believe. I never would have considered such a thing. If I'd understood she had deep feelings for him, I would have taken him to the quarry and incentivized his leaving town. But I wanted her to see it was wrong and stop on her own, because I didn't want her to "get away" with her hideous desire and ever be susceptible to it again. I wanted her medicine to be an inoculation against repeated behavior. Yet all I did was let the sore fester. I just let the infection grow!"

I was miserable. "I thought I was serving love, instead it looks like I was playing games with it. Except I still had faith in my wife and best friend, even while she was betraying me. That's an example right there: I made myself down-grade her time with Rob to a dalliance, not even full-blown cheating, certainly not betrayal. My love blinded me. Damn: if I haven't served love well, it certainly hasn't served me much at all."

Carol looked at me with large almost astonished eyes. They were quiet for a while until I added, "But she has to stop doing bad. I won't sanction my cuckoldry. That is the most despicable thing a wife can do!"

The women looked beside themselves now. They were rooting for Addie and rooting for me, except they seemed to know that may not add up. It seemed it was up to me to speak again. Every single fucking thing seemed to be up to me.

"OK, don't worry. I'm going to take care of her. We don't have to worry about anything until she's better. And surely, Addie will see that no one, not even him, can love her like I do. Maybe he's a good guy, but frankly he hasn't tried to do the right thing: I've bent over backwards, hurting myself in the process, to do right by Addie. He, however, wants to steal a married woman. That's bad and makes him bad. He ought to know if he wasn't special to my wife that I'd have had him on the bottom of the harbor a long time ago."

Carol ventured a comment, "I-I think he does know that. This is the most screwed up thing I've ever been a part of. Jim, I want you to remember this, I don't know what's going to happen, but you should win. There shouldn't be a contest, but if it's all about what's best for Addie: who loves her best, who's the better man, then you should win. But Jim, there's a friendship and past history they have together, and things I don't understand. Jim, I fear that if this was clearly going to come out as it should, then it never would have happened in the first place. If you want her, even now, hell especially now, then it should be the two of you riding off together into the sunset. But ..."

I looked down. I'd been working and living on a premise where our future was assured. I stuck by my deals. "I promised Addie my all until death. She may have stumbled, but she can still count on me. That's what marriage is all about, right? When one isn't strong the other helps them. She fell and now she can't walk, I will carry her if I need to."

The gals tried to conceal it, but they were just this side of forlorn. I walked out. I was going to lose. This was ridiculous, my beloved Addie was hanging between life and death! That simply had to be my focus. But if my love was not the power that could save her, then I had to figure things out. I had to rethink things in a huge way. I had to find something more powerful. What the hell was I going to do? I was never going to give up on my Addie and the only person who could ever make me stop working for her was Addie herself. As she presently wasn't capable of voting, I had to continue as I had all along, believing that her welfare and well-being, that her fate, hung on me. Addie needed me, I would prevail or die trying.

I suddenly stopped walking almost causing the two ladies to run into my back. Wait! Talk about thinking about things in a different perspective. My brain swam. A new idea formed. Maybe that's it! It was grim, but it was a chance. I didn't hesitate, I was all in.

* * * * * *

My prayers had been answered. It had taken a while, but my Addie came out of the coma! She was atrophied and weak yet seemed intact, everything that was the essence of Addie was there. Everything that was weak or damaged grew from that essence and could be largely restored. I was, and am, extremely thankful for that.

I was thankful even months later. We became a universe of two, with spot visits from friends and family. I tried my best to not smother her, while doing everything I could for her short of that. But the poor woman couldn't walk, couldn't roll over at first, had trouble speaking, which went away quickly, though she still became winded by protracted talking. I tended to her and cared for her. Even cleaning her was a joy compared to not having her. I would take that deal every hour of every day the rest of my life and consider it the best bargain I was ever offered. I made sure she could quickly reach me from every room if for some reason I was not with her. Addie felt comforted by my measures on her behalf. She told me she needed me. Only one thing could have made me feel better.

* * * * * *

I was over-joyed as Addie grew stronger each week.

* * * * * *

Rehab was grueling. Addie had several falls, but I caught her every single time. It was nerve wracking waiting on the razor's edge for something, anything, to go wrong. She needed to do it all herself, but I'd be damned before I'd let her take more damage in the course of her valiant struggle. Still, to be that vigilant without being smothering was as exhausting as it was a challenge. I slept well at night from the emotional exertion.

God bless Addie, she noticed. There she was in all that pain, in a body that used to be a tool she wielded with effortless precision, now in many ways a prison cell. Except she accepted the challenge and met it. And she looked at me with reverence, thanking me for what I did for her, telling me she simply couldn't do it without me, and tearfully that she never wanted to let me down. After a while she made improvement just about every day. She began to enjoy the drive to the rehabilitation center. We were on a first name basis with everyone there.

Addie had been trying to rebuild muscles and regain motion she'd lost. Very shortly it would be time to apply what she'd regained. She was trying to support her weight now by keeping her hands clasped to bars that ran along each side of a narrow walkway. If her legs gave out, she was supposed to break her fall by shifting her weight to her arms and shoulders.

Addie realized I was standing where I always stood, just out of her peripheral vision slightly behind ready to catch her, but where I'd be out of sight and not distract her.

She spoke to me looking back over her shoulder never letting go of the railings, "Jim, I want to try to walk, not just make my legs work. I'm not sure I'm ready, but I want to try. I need something to fight through the pain for. I need you where I can see you and be inspired by you. I need to have something worth reaching so much it makes me fight through my fear and pain. I need my ultimate destination. Will you do that for me?"

I was hesitant to let her fall, though I couldn't deny her wish, this is what we'd worked towards. I was staggered I meant that much to her in light of what she'd been doing prior to her accident. We'd talked, nothing substantial yet, focusing on Addie's rehabilitation instead. I pushed off my pain by focusing on hers. I thought she'd done the same thing too. Rehabilitation-wise this was a big moment but to me her seeing me as her ultimate goal was manna from heaven. It was the result I wanted, though I hadn't allowed myself to actually hope for it.

Addie watched as I took the position at the end of the walkway. I smiled and she stared into my face and melted a bit. Her head cocked and she couldn't help but blush. Then she became very intense and focused. She nodded to herself, or me, I really don't know which. She held the bar tightly. She took a step grunting with pain which became a sort of low howl as she now swung the other leg into place switching part of her weight there. Her eyes winced but never strayed from mine.

Addie almost fell, buckling as she swung her other leg back into place putting weight on it, it obviously hurt like hell. Her eyes clinched as she fought through it, she let her eyes focus, saw me, and calmed. She gritted her teeth and pushed with her legs fully standing again, groaning a groan which I'm sure she never heard. She gave a wry smile, the type that you feel inside, that your face just mimics without conscious thought. One step, then another, then another.

Tears ran down her cheeks, which glowed red hot with triumph. The last two steps I realized her groan was no longer a sound: it was a name -- mine. Addie stood shaking at the end of her endurance. She stood shaking and smiling. She waited until she saw my proud face then her pain seemed to wash away. She almost didn't wait until my arms were around her before she threw hers around my neck. She was laughing so heartily it warmed my very soul.

Addie directed breathless, "Put me down on the floor and lay down with me." She never took her arms from around my neck. "I love you. I love you. You never gave up on me, you love me so much."

All I could answer was, "You walked again, Addie!"

She placed one palm flat against my cheek the other bent around my neck pulling me to her.

"And probably don't deserve to. You know that better than anyone. Yet because of you I walk again: I wanted to ... to give that to you, as a tribute. You marvel over what I do well. But I over-simplify so it's easy to keep things in front of me. I never see what I am losing out the back window. Yes, I accomplish a goal, but I never keep tabs on what that victory cost. I fear how many pyrrhic victories I may have had in my life.

"In this case if I wanted to walk again, I had to figure out a way to get past the pain. I wanted to walk, but I wanted to honor you, which was worth far more to me than escaping any amount of pain. Your helping me is far different. It must be like having to take ahold of a red-hot poker every single time you help me. You do it because you love me and you refuse to let me down; when I let you down so awfully, so tragically, and so completely. Your love for me has always inspired me: you want what's best for me. Somehow, even now, instead of hating me or leaving me, you have done all this for me. I wanted you to see what you meant to me.

"Oh Jim, I hope this next doesn't taint what I've already said, I swear it's true: I have always loved you, even when I, when I, oh I'm so sorry ..."

Addie held me tightly to her and did not feel me pull away as she feared, at which point her sobbing changed tenor again. Strangely I wasn't sure if she was happy, in pain, or upset. Not being able to read her mixed with the ways she'd phrased a few things made my stomach turn despite this happy turn of events.

This was the first time we'd broached the awful subject to this extent. I scanned the room seeing the collected rehab specialists and personnel, they were beaming at Addie's triumph and at the obviously happy couple. I didn't want to burst their bubble nor dilute this happy moment further, so I let it pass. Instead, I would savor Addie walking to me with her first new steps as much as I remember her walking down the aisle to be my bride.

We were driving home from her first walk when she spoke in a quiet firm way that simply commanded my attention. "We haven't talked about it yet, not directly. I've tried. You always put me off saying I needed to concentrate on getting better. You always know best, yet it seemed another unfair action.

"Jim, my body is healing. It needs to get stronger and remember what it can do. In my mind this was the last major hurdle. I know I have a long way to go, but I feel now I will definitely get there. So, it seems that I need to shift my focus to where I have longed to have it all along, back to us. May I start that now, Jim?"

I nodded, not sure of what further embellishment I could make.

Addie said, "Do you remember when I awoke at the hospital? Maybe not the first time but the first time I was clear of the fog? I could move, my thinking was jumbled, and I did think of you first. I guess that's good but I'm not sure."

"Why do you say that?"

Addie's expression was determined concentration, "I was afraid. I was hurt, compromised, and scared. You always were my knight. I was in trouble, and I needed you if I was in trouble. When I saw you I was so, so, happy. Sure, I was in trouble but seeing you I knew no matter how bad it was, that it was also as good as it could be, because you would make sure of it. You protect me. Always! I can always rely on you. Then sadly I let you. Wasn't that selfish of me? My rising panic faded, that's how important you are to me, how you calm me, how you affect me. It seems I'm awfully good at taking from you.

"And what I saw shortly confirmed that same sentence in a very different insidious fashion. You are good at protecting me and I am good at taking from you.

"I was shocked when I saw Rob. I was stunned, then had to remember why. It was an ominous feeling. I don't think of Rob consciously. Isn't that weird?"

I took that as meaning her affection for him was not true love.

"He's just sort of always there, a white noise; background radiation."

I took that as good news too, as Addie was always close to my top of mind.

"Then I looked over from Rob and saw you again... and it all sort of rushed in. I felt really, really, lousy: small, even cheap, though the last was sort of cloudy. I was definitely ashamed. I felt a wave of unworthiness that I never felt the intensity of before."

"We all knew something was up Addie: you vomited."

She looked at me very suspiciously appraisingly. "Jim... about Rob."

I didn't mean to, but I felt myself lower my head. Still I caught it quickly, did I let on? I guess this day had to come eventually. But why couldn't I have this one day of triumph to savor without thinking of that long forgotten but never quite vanquished miscreant?

"Jim, Rob and I... were lovers... back in college." The last three words were hurriedly attached.

I stole a glance at her in time to catch her swing her face towards her side window. I caught glance of her fractured expression of misery, reflected in the glass. "Y-You should have known that. I-I mean I should have told you about him a long time ago. H-He should not have been at the hospital. I'm sorry, I started to tell you so many times. My husband should know my past. And then it became present. Each time I procrastinated telling you because how could I explain my failure to tell you up to that point. As each new step appeared before me, I wanted to tell you except each last step seemed so terribly damning. Knowing you weren't looking out for me I'd stumbled into that next step. I, uh, damn it Jim, I really messed up."

Was this the moment she came clean? Did I want this now? Her eyes were wild she was scared to death.

Addie turned back towards me, "Jim, I love you, I fear losing you. I can't imagine life without you, but I've done something awful." Addie shook as the words left her. She knew she couldn't stop there. She'd painted herself into a corner on purpose. She didn't want to chicken out. She was studying every facet of my face. "Jim you deserve nothing but the best. You are the best, and I don't deserve you!"

There was no saccharine in my reply, just statement of fact, "Addie there's nothing else in this world I want more than you. Don't ever say that again!" I wasn't stern with her often, I honestly couldn't help it this time.

Her eyes were wide looking at me and hearing my sincerity. She leaned over and grabbed my arm pushing her face into my shoulder as I drove. "I should have told you. I actually mislead you. Remember my co-worker who lost her family? Well that co-worker was not a "her" it was Rob. Those lunches to prop that bereaved person up were real, but they weren't with a female work mate, they were with Rob. I must have tried a dozen times, two dozen, but each and every time I feared I'd hurt you if you knew I was spending time with... a past lover. Rob's parents were killed in a crash. His mom was already sick. His father was driving her home from dialysis when it happened.