Losing

"I don't know what he told you, but it wasn't appropriate he was in the hospital. His actions have not always been... meritorious." She quickly added, "He's not a bad man, Jim. But he's not a man like you."

Addie looked into my eyes a long moment. "You have more discipline than any man I've ever met. You truly consider what you should do. Once you set a course you take the sting and wounds of combat that path dictates, never once deviating for your own comfort or safety. When misfortunes on the path occur, you take the brunt of them for everyone else, knowing you can handle them. And you take that course home to victory time after time, after time, after time. When you get there, you are so familiar with victory, you go out of your way to spread the success, giving the thrill and limelight to others. You don't seek that yourself, only the happy outcome for everyone."

Addie cringed trying to find a way to explain, "Jim, Rob is more an everyman: he's flesh and bone and has trouble governing his passions. I've never known a man as full as passion as you, but you remain in control somehow. The rest of us struggle so with it. You're like the driver that has the fastest run on the course, he was so smooth you almost didn't notice how fast he was going. The other drivers sway in the curves and over correct when they get the line wrong, the car pitches back and forth, the tires squeal; they seem like they are going very fast indeed but their times aren't close to the driver who made it look easy.

"I know it's not easy for you all the time, yet you make it look that way and give others tremendous confidence doing so. But we lean on you too much, push matters too far."

Addie sighed resigned, "I'm just saying I can appreciate you. You've always let me see inside the veil, but at times even I perform like a normal person and take you for granted, leaning on you and your strength more than I should. I know you'd spend every ounce of your strength to please or protect me. I'll never meet another man like you. Compared to you, Rob wallows in imperfection, he seems loose and undisciplined. That's not the case: compared to most men Rob stands out and stands above. Really, he does, but he'll live forever in your shadow, and that's not really fair to either of you. That's the force of nature you are. I'm sorry I haven't lived up to you."

I'm still not sure what I should have said to remarks like that. I said nothing, hoping Addie would tell me about her relationship with Rob. I hoped it was past tense and that she'd learned such a lesson she would never go near a flame like that again. I wanted to know where I stood with her. Addie heaping platitudes upon me didn't tell me anything about the things I needed to know.

Addie was very serious and was fighting to contain her emotions, "Rob, you navigate the minefield and make a clear path for those behind you, taking extra caution to protect those you love, never letting others see how wounded you are doing so. You don't let them see how much passion you have, how it eats at you, your worry and suffering, your heartbreak, but I see it. I see how much things mean to you, how it hurts you when others fail to meet their potential. Because you are strong, if someone has to be left behind or injured, they decide to make it you, to spare someone who doesn't have your strength. But you do feel it - intensely. I know that. I've seen it and felt it! Even though you don't always show it, you take the hurt for them and do the right thing by them, even though they didn't do the right thing by you. You stand up for what you love and believe in, even when you're knifed for it and left bleeding. Even when wounded you make it look effortless, which sets you up for another blow."

Addie's tears grew in size. Her hands were shaking, her voice was strained, "I'm trying to thank you for choosing me, for protecting me, and mostly for loving me. I-I want to beg your forgiveness for being so weak. C-Can you forgive me?"

I said what I could do not what I would do, we weren't there yet, "Baby, I can forgive you just about anything."

Addie smiled through a playful laugh, "I thought your love for me was limitless!" Her confession, or all she could stomach to confess for now, was over.

Addie playfully asked, "What is it you can't forgive me for?"

"Killing me or killing us," I answered matter of fact.

She blanched. Addie really looked frightened. I thought she might repeat her hospital vomiting act. It's one thing to tell your husband who adores you that you had a lover before you met him, quite another to tell him you took a lover after you married him.

I smiled as I lightly explained, "In the case of either of those I will be dead already, so I simply won't be capable of anything: including forgiveness. You'll have to find a way to live with my blood on your hands. But if you were true, honest, and mine, there's little we couldn't get past, as long as it was over." I smiled, trying to add an air of humor, but she knew it was true: honestly, sincerely, and deadly, true.

We pulled into our driveway. I took my time to let her gather herself as I walked around the car to let her out. I'd sent a signal. I'd be hurt but she could tell me about her recent affair when she was ready. It could be forgiven then. Only one person can grant forgiveness and only one person can earn it, but it often takes the two to tango. Everything would all be alright now that Rob was gone.

Addie was exhausted. Her first walk in almost a year and her partial confession had taken her measure. It was easier for me to just pluck her out of the car and carry her inside. I was smiling and beaming, Addie quickly took down her shields and let her worry fall away joining me in my revelry. I reminded her as we were going inside what her thrilled trainers, who had moved away to give us some time together, had told her: with dedication like she'd exhibited, and the energy it took to even reach that point, she would surely have the best possible rehabilitation: regaining as much motion as she possibly could. They swore that with use and exercise strength would not be an issue.

I beamed at Addie and her lower lip trembled in response. It seemed my happiness was infectious as she threw her arms around me and loudly pronounced her love to me once again.

Once safe inside her home, exhausted from her exertion, the pain she overcame, the thrill of her triumph, and probably in no small part releasing some of her pent-up guilt and love, Addie fell fast asleep. I watched her peacefully sleep on the couch for a few minutes thanking God for her return before carrying her up to bed.

It took a couple of hours before Addie came back to the land of the living. She saw she was still in her gym clothes with a light blanket over her. She smiled asking, "Didn't want to take advantage of me?" She was beaming at me again.

"Honestly, I didn't want to wake you. But I'll happily give you a sponge bath." I answered playfully.

"Can I hold you around your neck? I think I could stand that way and you could take a shower with me." Then she got shy, "Or perhaps I don't want that." She said it pensively. Then she started, her eyes shot wide, and she quickly followed with a guilt ridden, "Yet!" Her lower lip curled in towards her teeth to match guilty frightened eyes, "Oh Jim, I only meant I've been scared to be seen naked by you with my scars and disfigurement. Maybe I'm not pleasing to you any longer."

I told her softly, "Addie, I've seen all of it, even when you still had the rods and pins sticking out."

She blushed furiously, "Yes, but I don't think you have seen more than a quadrant of me at any one time since before the accident. Frankly, neither have I, Jim. I haven't had the guts to look. It's okay if you don't want to shower with me. I'd be hanging on you and you'd have even worse footing. And you must be tired after all you did for me at therapy today, then carrying me up here. I don't remember leaving the car." She beamed at me once again, "But when you think the time is right, I will look forward to your disrobing me."

I hesitated before answering, "Baby please, you've had a great day. I know because I've dealt with the temporary condition of your body and the scars, that this was real progress. You're in much better shape that you were, but I fear that you'll be taken aback if you see it, and that's not the right course right now. All of the worst looking things are fading, they're shadows of what they once were, and will soon be shadows of what they are now. You need to bask in what you've done today and use that energy to carry forward."

Addie shook her head at me without realizing she made the motion. "Wow, you are something. This shower may not be the treat I hoped to give you at all. But I'd love to be vertical and standing under the water with you, pressed as tightly as I can against you."

We shared a genuine warm smile for each other.

We took the shower, and between us we got ourselves scrubbed. I know it hurt Addie, but she was all happiness and light. The carefree giggles I got from her at our clumsiness were a tremendous reward: this was my beloved wife. Addie was back! I thanked the Almighty, she had not been lost.

Addie became very intense as she pushed her fingers through my hair, gazing into my eyes, "I can't fathom you, your love, and devotion." She turned grey as she said the next, "I don't deserve it. That's a fact we both know all too well. I need you and in so many ways. Dry us or leave us wet, but please put me on the bed and join with me... take me, have me."

"Baby I'm not sure your hips can take my weight yet. One was rebuilt." I'm a large man.

She nodded but never took her eyes off mine, "Please. Please Jim, I need this, and you should have this. You've been too long, denied too much, in too many things, and in too many ways. Please."

I didn't think regular missionary would work because of my weight. I knew putting her on hands and knees was a non-starter. I dried Addie and kissed her as she whimpered. When I tried to dry a certain delicate area, it was hopeless: she was as wet as I ever remembered. I carried her to the edge of the bed and lay her there. I positioned her so I could cradle her legs without inflicting too much pain.

Addie didn't hear a word I said just nodded, smiled, and begged in a sultry voice, "Please, pleeease."

There was no resistance, but it had been a while. I felt like I was pushing her organs out of place again. "Oh, fuck, Jim! Goood heavens, the car wreck didn't rearrange me like that. You're such a big man... oh, oh just love me. Please, please, love me."

From Addie's use of 'love' I knew she wasn't talking about our physical union. I pushed all the way in and held myself as I told her, "I will always love you. It's what I am."

There was a strange urgency to her words though she seemed completely sincere, "I want to be everything for you, everything you want me to be." She took a death grip on my forearms as I was standing so I didn't put weight on her. Our bed was high, and I'd places some pillows under her rear to make the height workable. Addie was still frustrated she couldn't reach around my body and draw me close.

Addie had been in the middle of a grunt when she stopped, her eyes aflame with intensity and a few other things I couldn't read when her head tilted back and her mouth opened, but her fiery eyes never parted from mine. A low loud moan started to build and got louder and louder as she started to shake. I felt liquid run down my balls and thighs. Addie was cumming, and I hadn't moved. After what seemed a time commensurate with a magic spell, her back stopped arching, and she started to breathe again. Happy tears coated her cheeks.

"Oh God. Oh God! Y-You truly are the best man I've ever met, in any and every way I can think of. I-I can't believe you love me. I think you made a mistake, but how can I tell you that?"

Addie gaped at me with an incredulity that I hate to express as awe, but damn it, there it was. I pumped a little and her eyes clenched shut. "Oh yes. Yes! It's indescribable, you're indescribable. Yessssss!" She came hard again. There was obviously a lot more going on here than our physical coupling. Whatever was going on was clearly mostly inside Addie's mind and, I hoped, heart. After this long climax she was exhausted and encouraged me to finish.

"Finish. Cum in me, please cum in me, Jim. I'm spent, I'm done, but I have to feel it." I moved a little being careful not to hurt her.

She looked at me with ever widening eyes realizing I was holding back in order not to hurt her. "Even now? How long has it been for you? And you're holding back to not hurt me? How? How can you love me this much, care about me this much?" There were unspoken words that echoed at the end, "after what I've done."

This will sound weird: I'm not sure Addie knew she was actually speaking the words aloud. Strange, but that was exactly my thought at the time. I moved with additional urgency trying to be smooth and not abrupt. I was remembering her smooth driver analogy. Then she said the strangest thing as I released into her with a knee buckler of a finish, I swear my kidneys hurt from my climax. Addie grappled herself to me as she said in an anxious urgent expulsion, "Please God. Please God let me get pregnant. PLEASE!"

She motioned for me to crawl up on the bed and lay with her. I had to pull her into place from where we'd coupled at the bottom of the bed. We both wanted to lay face to face but it wasn't working. She was able to lay on her side though she still needed support. As I spooned Addie she lay with her cheek on my lower bicep. As my upper arm reached around her, she placed my hand on her breast and mewled. As best she could, she snuggled her rear back against my pelvis and urged me to bring my legs up to brace against hers. "Yes," she said as she drifted off.

I thought about her pregnancy request. It sounded ... odd. But what man is going to take Umbridge in his wife fervently asking God to let her bear his child. I slept, not yet at ease, but more contentedly than I had in months.

When I awoke the next morning, I could hear her disappointment. Addie was thinking I was going to disentangle myself from her. I stayed right where I was until my bladder forced me to the bathroom. Addie was more composed in future couplings. She rarely prayed for my child aloud, but when she thought she was fertile she made sure she had me repeatedly. And she worshipped my cock with her mouth, but instead of drinking me as she had in the past, she always told me to "push it in deep" and let her have "my seed". I was beginning to wonder if traffic accidents could change a person's choice of idioms.

Which brings up another point, after her accident, and after surgeries, Addie's periods were less frequent and not as regular. It seemed her body was devoting its energy into repairing itself, taking it from other places like making copies of itself. Often during our couplings, I caught her looking at me, I thought, trying to prove something to me. I'll admit being happy she wanted to, if less happy about the circumstances surrounding her feeling she needed to.

Why would I think to complain? I was a happy man. My wife was back. We lived in a universe of two. Her family and friends saw the way she looked at me and would smile and slap me on the arm or back and hug me when I walked them downstairs at the end of their visit. There had been a grave problem in our marriage, most men would have walked away. It was compounded by her accident, but I stayed through that, and through my devotion won the day.

My father-in-law told me in front of his wife, "For a man to sign up for all that work after he'd been betrayed, knowing all he could recoup was a scared and impaired version of the woman who'd betrayed him is remarkable. I love my daughter, but I have never been more proud than I am of my son."

He was talking about me. I was deeply honored by the compliment. My mother-in-law gave me a ferocious hug. I still chastised them for saying those things about Addie. He said, "After all, she is my daughter, I would die for her, but sometimes you have to let the truth out, lest others think you are trying to bury it. I stand by every word."

I reminded him that Addie was also my wife, and I did not want to hear those things. They put their hands on me and smiled.

Even rehab, as grueling as it was, was filled with happy thoughts now. There were more victories than setbacks and we did it together. Addie always looked at me with awe at the end of the most strenuous sessions. I wanted love not awe, but in many ways we'd never been closer: things had never been better. Once again, I gave thanks I was allowed to dig as far down in myself as I could to stay and support her, or to not kill Rob, all the lonely suffering was worth it. Things had all worked out. Addie was alive and mine. My world was complete.

For the months it stayed like that. I truly may have been the most content man on earth. I knew things weren't perfect, Addie wasn't over her guilt. Of course, she hadn't fully confessed either. We both knew what she'd done but I had no details. Not how long or how intense and certainly not why. I wasn't sure what else I could do to convince her she was forgiven: that I didn't want to think about it ever again; I just wanted her. Even when I spoke the actual words, they seemed to twist something inside her. Almost every time she dropped whatever she was doing and had me take her, pulling me as deeply inside her at my finish as she could manage. I reasoned I just had to give her time, and if I was forced to live through this strange ritual of hers until she forgave herself, I guessed I could suffer through it.

* * * * * *

Something had been bothering Addie for long weeks simmering beneath the surface, now it was more intense. On the way back from her continuing rehab she barely spoke. When I lay my hand on the center console for a moment, she grabbed it pulling it to her lips. She then held it in her lap with both of her hands. Her motions dripped with desperation. I drove home with one hand on the wheel.

Though Addie still needed some assistance getting out of the car from time to time, she was making her way around quite nicely. She came inside and made her way to the family room. That was unusual as the kitchen, or the shower, were almost always her destinations of first choice after her strenuous exertions. So, something truly was different. She looked up to see me standing there. She started in surprise, then gave a smile shaking her head.

"You must have radar, you read my thoughts knowing when I need you." She stopped all motion just drinking me in, looking at me, there was something wrong about it though. "Jim, could I speak to you, please?"

I answered trying to sound chipper, "Always. There's never a bad time for you to talk to me. I want to know everything you're thinking!"

Her head dropped. I hadn't meant to do that to her. She had the grace to go right at it though. She knew I hadn't intended to hurt her or bring up that long dead subject. She gave me a sad smile of appreciation. Her eyes flashed love.

"You know when I need you and used to know what I was thinking. Well, that used to be the case, and then ... it wasn't. That was because you trusted me. I used that trust to hold things back from you. You never saw my indiscretions because you had no reason to look, up to that point I'd never given you cause to, to lose faith in me." Her tears were streaming now. "I'm so sorry about that! Terribly, awfully sorry! I-I want to get to that subject, but I need to say some other things first."

Addie reached out and took my hand, "I want to say I have never met a finer man and I truly mean that. It's my honor to stand by your side. I'll come back to that too. The rehab, what you've done for me, you've been indefatigable in your support of me, unwavering in your confidence, unlimited in your love. There have been times, I think maybe it's something akin to childbirth, where the pain is so intense you have to transfer it to emotion so you can vent some of it off, sort of like the matter energy thing from physics." She tried to give me a smile, it was weak. "I've sworn and yelled during rehab, and sometimes yelled at you. I don't think I ever directed an epitaph at you, never called you names or blamed you, but yours was the face I was screaming into, and you always returned a concerned loving face to calm me. All this time, the whole time you sucked up every insult, slight, and injury to take the pain away from me. And in light of, well, we'll get to that."