Losing

Addie searched for how to continue, "Jim, I realize that sometimes due to pain I grappled you so hard I bruised you. I've also left more than a few scratches on you. I see them when you undress at night or more recently when we've showered or made love. I'm sorry. Helping me has cost you, not just in time, love, and energy, but I've hurt you physically at times and not apologized. I guess I'm trying to do that right now. But even more I want to thank you. I just can't thank you enough. You have been superb!"

I called her on it, "Have been? Past tense?"

Addie looked like she was choking. "No! No, that's not ... right, a lot of it isn't right. I hate that, and myself more than a little." She was quiet for a while. "You've even given me time and space. You need to know my friends and family have let me have it over ... Rob. You even let him visit me in the hospital. I can't get over your generosity and your mercy. I can't, I never will, and I never want to. You've done more for me than anyone ever. I-I wanted you to know that I know that. God bless you, Jim!"

God bless me? That wasn't quite what I wanted to hear. As long as we were clearing the air I tried to explain, "I let him visit at night in the hospital to let him avoid your family. I don't want them to hurt you. Also, Addie, I saw no point in your hurting them. I wasn't in a rush for them to find out what you'd been doing. I wasn't the one to tell them. Frankly, I'm not sure how they found out."

She looked away and nodded before adding, "And his coming to sit beside me, as well as his just existing hurt you." Addie swallowed before saying in a low tone, "I understand that y-you were already sitting beside my bed, spending every night beside me, and pretty much every waking minute you could. And then he walked in one night. That had to be miserable for you, Jim."

"Not as much as his continuing to come back to visit you after you awoke, which meant you wanted his visits."

Addie's face twisted and fractured. "I'm sorry, Jim. I am so damn sorry. You didn't do anything wrong; you were always stellar. Always! Our entire courtship and marriage. And, and, through the rehab ... I-I mean you are some sort of demi-god to me now, Jim. I can't get over it."

"Really? Do you really feel that way? You used past tense again for me. Addie, are you sure you aren't "over it" as you just said?"

"Oh God, Jim. Oh God, how do I fix this? How do I fix what I've done and done to you?"

"Addie, I've been good to you, I've been true to you, you don't have to worry about my behavior. But how much do I have to worry about you? I don't know for how long, but you've been having an affair." Her face twisted in misery, and I had to add to make it worse, "And as far as I can tell, you still are."

Her mouth dropped open. She was the proverbial deer in the headlights.

"I will take it that shock is at being ... rediscovered. I know you've been talking to him on the phone when I go out." I held up a hand to forestall her questions or objections, "No, I haven't checked. I haven't tried to read your messages and emails. You either love me or you don't. If there were things you wanted me to know, you would have told me. Unfortunately, I also know you keep things from me. I didn't want to admit it, but Rob had to know you wanted those visits from him after you awoke in the hospital, or he would have stopped making them. As I never heard him ask you directly, it most likely meant you were talking to him through your friends or family until you could set up his in-person visits. There must be something about me that folks like to stab in the back. Once you were feeling better you continued to do the job yourself via phone, text, or whatever."

Her chest was heaving she was staring at me incredulously.

"It isn't like I don't know you're having the affair. I've talked to your lover for Christ's sake. I made excuses for him to the people who love you. And I healed you in spite of it, because I love you."

Addie's eyes were huge. I could barely detect her breathing. I began to think she knew I'd figured how frequently she'd seen him behind my back before the accident. I think she presumed I thought she had had a tryst not an affair. And certainly not that I considered their messages since a continuation of their affair. I knew he hadn't screwed her since the accident, he hadn't been near her long enough, but the sex was only part of the betrayal. What the hell else would a cheated spouse consider messages between the cheating lovers? The only exception would have been a message to him saying, "It's over and I never want to see you again."

I paused as much for myself as to let Addie finish her heavy breathing. I was calm when I continued, "You just said I've shown you mercy. Yes, I have. Because I wanted to, because you needed it, and because I need you in my life. Recently your affair with Rob started again in spite of my dedication to you. I came home from shopping for us and heard you on the phone. I came up the stairs blissful, happy at the joy in your voice, wondering what friend was talking to you, only to hear the coquette in your voice as you uttered his name.

"I simply walked back down the steps letting you have what you want. You weren't healed yet, joy helps healing. I wasn't going to blow up your joy at that juncture. Though I admit being half dead myself by the time I reached the bottom of my descent. It killed me that I didn't fill you with that joy, because if I did you wouldn't need him. The knowledge that you probably called him just as soon as you knew I was gone was the icing on the cake.

"You don't know the quantity of tears I've shed over you. I've cried because I loved you so much, because you were terribly hurt, that you were in a coma, and that you'd given half your heart to him. Don't tell me otherwise: I hear your joy when you speak to him, and I see less of it than I used to when you're with me." I wasn't angry at her, I was rueful at the situation.

Addie rushed to answer, "Jim, I, Jim, I'm so sorry. This shouldn't be the case, I hate it. I want you happy. And Jim, if this means anything to you: I want to want you. I do!"

Addie turned away seeing my skepticism. She forced herself to look back at me. My voice remained flat thought it was less tolerant, "I'm going to purge some emotion. This needs to come to a head, Addie. You need to ask yourself if you hate it enough, and are sorry enough, to tell that damned fuck to go away forever and leave us alone! I've given you plenty of time to tell him to go away. I've given you more than enough time with him for you to see who loves you the most and the best. I need to see love in your eyes again, not just respect and adoration."

I turned and strode away. I'd had it with this. Once Addie finally did the right thing, I decided I was going to make sure Rob never bothered us again. When I was done with him there wouldn't even be a body left to find! For those who say revenge does not feel good, they set the wrong parameters for their "apres-revenge" life, or just plain didn't invest themselves in their revenge enough. I was going to enjoy the hell out of mine!

Later I heard Addie talking on the phone crying, I hoped this was it. Finally, the full restoration of my family. I'd suffered greatly and given much, but if you've ever felt true love, you won't question it. If you haven't, it will be utterly beyond your understanding. My heart deserved to be gladdened. I'd earned this. Addie was an individual, but she was also my wife and we were partners, although that partnership had been one sided for far too long. I saw this conversation as my due and my balm. Still, I admit the damn situation had twisted me to the point where I had no regrets over listening from the hallway.

"Rob, no it isn't going to work. No, no you don't understand. No, he is a better man than you. No Rob, no I don't mean it that way, Jim is a better person than me too. Rob, I was going to, but I can't, it's his house - our house. You were too much intrusion in the hospital and Jim even watched out for you: taking on my family to defend you, while fighting his own pain over the very fact of you. I am a married woman, and all of them are defending my marriage, as they should. I know we didn't ask for this to happen, I know what we share. Rob, I know it's been a while. Damn it Rob, Jim walks in sometimes when I'm talking to you, and (her voice broke here) he knows who it is by the happiness in my voice. That not just a slap in the face, it's spitting in his face! He's my partner, giving absolutely everything of himself, and you want me to get him to allow you into our house so you can be with me?"

I was only hearing Addie's side of the conversation, still she sounded incredulous to the point of anger. Good! She was defending me: defending us. Let the prick reveal himself for what he was. Yes, perhaps this is the very end! I kept listening.

"Rob, I'm walking again. I'm gaining strength. I don't know why the two of you have stuck with me. My legs which were so beautiful are beautiful no longer. I'm going to have cosmetic surgeries so they will look more normal, but they won't be my best asset ever again.

"No Rob, I can't. I can't! I owe him something, he's done everything. Rob, try to understand, you want to come over here. You want to be with me. You love me and want to see me and once here, you will push to send Jim away. No, you don't get it! You need to understand: Jim could kill you!"

I could tell there was a pause from Rob before he spoke again. He probably didn't relish hearing the woman he loved tell him his rival was a better man and could crush the life out of him. I'm sure it felt a lot like I felt hearing my wife tell another man to stay away, not because she loved me, but because he may be injured.

Addie was speaking to Rob again, "There's no doubt in my mind that the only reason you are still alive is because Jim loves me!" Now she flared with anger, "Don't you dare ever say that again! If you pulled a gun on him, he'd take it away from you and jam it down your throat. He doesn't have to take any of this, any of what I've done. He's put up with all of it because of how much he loves me. That's what's keeping you alive. He doesn't want to make you a martyr to me, he doesn't want his actions to break any part of my heart, even a traitorous part. Think about that, Rob. You are thinking of you. He is thinking of me. Jim loves me as completely as a person can. In fact, it's beyond my ability to understand, which both undercuts what he deserves and pretty much damns me. Don't tell me you wouldn't want to touch me if you saw me. You would. No, I will not allow you to come here."

This had been nowhere near as definitive as I wanted, but I thought the hammer was finally about to drop. And it did.

"So Baby, you're just going to have to wait to see me again until after I can get out on my own."

I don't remember anything she said after that.

Yeah, the hammer dropped, nailing me to the spot.

I simply walked out of the house. Addie hadn't known I was back from errands anyway and it sounded like my presence wasn't exactly vital for her either. In a stupor I went to visit Addie's friend, Carol, and told her what I overheard. I simply had to say it to someone else first before speaking to my wife. I couldn't let the message overwhelm me whilst I was trying to reach out to the messenger; I needed a practice run.

Hearing what had transpired, Carol gasped loudly in the deli where we met. Then she actually cried. She said something about wanting to have faith in this world: knowing it wasn't perfect yet could be lovely, except at times it was impossible to see it as anything but hell. I had to agree.

I asked Carol to go to her friend, my wife, and sit with her because I didn't want to be gone so long that she defiled my love for her again, while I spoke to her parents. Carol agreed. We left to perform our distasteful duties.

* * * * * *

As I told them of the situation Addie's parents seemed as heartbroken as I was. I told them, "If Rob wins the day and her heart, I understand Addie is your daughter, so I won't see you much afterwards. That's a tragedy in its own right. I love you guys."

"That bastard will never be our son!" Addie's dad expostulated.

"So, you'll banish your own daughter at Christmas?" I asked with great sympathy pointing out their problem.

"Yes!" Said her father immediately. I could see Addie's mother's heart breaking. I put my hand on Addie's father's shoulder.

"Do you know the worst part of this, Dad?" It wasn't lost on me that I might have called him Dad for the last time. "He's not a bad guy. Really. Think about a man in love with a woman, who serves her best by staying away. This can't be easy for him. I looked into him, there's no history of womanizing, in fact past associates said he always talked about the one that got away until he got married. Then was completely dedicated to his wife. After she died, he transferred to another branch because everything around reminded him of her. This is the part I don't like: he chose to transfer here. I think to be close to my wife. Apparently, something broke them apart back then that they both grew to regret. I don't think it matters what anymore, something that seemed insurmountable in youth that is a molehill as an adult, or in adultery if you allow the pun. Addie is an honest woman yet apparently decided it was better to soil herself than the alternative of their being separated from Rob any longer."

My mother-in-law said, "But Jim, I spoke to him in the hospital, because of you by the way. I finally remembered where I'd heard of him before: from dating Addie in the past. He's fine as a man, I guess, but he's not you. What you've done for our daughter your entire marriage, most especially since this accident, and if I understand correctly since you found out about her affair, is just beyond, well, anything. He can't match that! Surely Rob will not be Addie's choice." She was practically begging me to agree with her.

"I hoped so too. I don't know what else I could have done. I hoped what I'd done would be, well, more than enough. But it might not be, and you needed to know. We all need to prepare for that possibility. The funny thing is the guilt I feel at the idea of not giving her the benefit of the doubt. I've felt that this entire time, and each time I keep getting a pie in the face for my consideration." We looked at each other feeling helpless to stop the train before it reached the washed-out bridge.

I drove home slowly needing to clear my head. I loved to drive so it was a nice escape in the eye of the hurricane, expecting the eye wall from the other side to come shortly.

When I got home Carol heard me and flew down the stairs. Sobbing she hugged me, "Take care Jim. I hope you can be happy now."

I had no idea what happened to precipitate Carol's actions and I couldn't tell through her sobs if her message portended good or bad. She pushed past me quickly fleeing my house. I headed upstairs to our bedroom to find my wife was sobbing too.

Addie looked at me heartbroken, "Jim, my good friend Carol, by way of loving me, just gave me the lecture of a lifetime. She's alone in life and I have the most dedicated capable loving man in the world. She would die for a man who cared for her a small fraction of how much you love me. I know I've been terrible to you. I've wanted, yearned, prayed to be better." Addie stopped for a moment shaking her head ruefully, "Carol just finished talking to me when my parents called. They said you'd been over and that you heard my conversation with Rob! I imagined Carol knew that too but decided not to tell me, thinking it would be best for her to try to get through to me using another tactic than guilty truths.

"My folks were happy to use the ammunition Carol let lay. They said you'd been elated thinking you were hearing me tell Rob to go away and were almost to the bedroom door when you heard me agree to see him later.

"Jim, I hoped to see him in person because ... wait I'm getting ahead of myself. Please Jim, have faith in me just a little longer. And please forgive me for what I'm about to say. I hope with every fiber that you will be happy in some ways by the time this conversation ends.

"Jim, you know me: I don't give my heart readily. And since, I'm sorry Jim, since I was originally with Rob years ago, I can't give my body without love. He and I loved each other once. We were intimate. When we stopped seeing each other, I thought having love in my life had ended too. Like everyone I crave intimacy, but I couldn't go to bed with another man until you came into my life. Jim, you were a tidal wave to Rob's oasis. I gave myself to you utterly. I knew I could with no reservation because you were the rock among rocks: you would never stop loving me. I know because of what I have done to you and put you through, that you never will stop loving me."

Addie looked at me with eyes that were as deep as the ocean, and just as mysterious and indecipherable. The latter was not because I couldn't read her main emotion but because there were so many emotions in play. She took my arm. Her grasp was strong. It was the same as in the rehab days and carried a message: don't let go.

"You heard what you thought was my desire to rekindle my affair. I'll tell you exactly what I feel for Rob: I love him. Wait! It's, it's, different from you, very different. You are head and shoulders above him. I told him that. You are stronger and more capable, both emotionally and physically. You are a better lover, a better protector, and provider. He and I are ... so alike. That extreme similarity makes for a terrible match doesn't it? He's like me, almost a mirror. Rob and I reinforce what is good in each other, and what is worst. You are different from me Jim, to me you a force of nature, if not nature itself! It's rather intimidating, Jim.

"I loved Rob once and it rekindled. I swear it was not a new love, it was the old love. I didn't fall for some new man, nothing got to me though the armor of your love: but h-he was already in there. With Rob it's just a feeling of being right and belonging, but you are, damn it, something else. It's like you are the truth or something, something I can't define, something much bigger than me."

I wanted to object strenuously to that one, but Addie charged on before I could wedge in a word.

"Jim, I loved Rob once, and began to again. And yes, as you know, it became physical."

Addie's tears became stronger, and she couldn't hold my gaze. It took her a few moments to gather herself and continue, but she fought to regain that composure the entire time. I was impressed, she truly wanted me to know and understand her feelings and motivations. What I didn't understand was of utmost importance to her.

"You may not believe it, but I never stopped loving you. I didn't mean to pull away, but the guilt! I had the rock of rocks and I wasn't up to your standard, and I didn't even need to be. All I had to do was not fail, I didn't even have to persevere. I didn't have to do anything but be myself. All I had to do was not soil myself. So of course, I did."

I began to speak but Addie rolled over me, "Jim, this point is very important for both of us, but especially you. I didn't mean to pull away from you. I was shrinking from you. Jim, I didn't pull away or shrink from you because of Rob. It happened accidentally because of my crushing guilt!"

Addie's expression was the definition of shame as she sank further into her explanation, "I felt unworthy of you, but also knew how much my fall would hurt you. I-I should have stopped it, but there's a pull to him, it's undeniable. I guess at this point that's obvious. I was failing you, and hurting you, and riddled with guilt, who could understand? Who else could give me shelter and comfort? That's the worst twist of this whole thing: Rob, who was the cause of everything I felt, was the only one I could share any of my negative feelings with. Thus, the man I shouldn't have been with, that caused me to shrink from you, is who I ended up going to for comfort. It all compounded, it just kept growing. It was the proverbial snowball rolling downhill.