Losing

Battle stations! I got a call at work that my wife had been in a terrible accident. I told my staff I was headed to the hospital. They were good people and would move heaven and earth to help me. I told them I would call them from the hospital. Please let my fears be unfounded.

The hospital was the typical scene: seemingly designed to prolong and exacerbate the suffering of family waiting on any sort of word at all: even a confirmation that the hospital had called the correct people; and that it truly was my dear wife, Addie, they had admitted.

After what seemed decades, a nurse and a doctor in training came to speak to me. Unfortunately, their patient was my Addie. She had various contusions and had sloshed her organs around pretty good, though they hadn't spotted any internal bleeding. Her legs were broken and apparently badly. Yes, they thought she would walk again, but rehab would be extensive. The nurse kindly asked if Addie was an athlete because it appeared she "had", past tense, lovely legs. Good heavens, I wondered if they were trained at all in speaking to family members. She added that the scaring would be extensive, adding they could fix much of that later. The shape and tone of the musculature would be affected, however.

I answered that Addie was a dancer, professionally for a short while in her youth, and kept up with her exercises.

The nurse allowed an "ah ha!" to register across her face then explained, "I thought so. If all goes well, she will do well in rehab as she's used to a grueling regimen. However, she probably took great pride in her legs so the scaring and atrophy may affect her psychologically. You will be the one to keep her propped up emotionally. You need to reassure her that we can make the skin look better than it will first look. If she keeps up with rehab the muscle tone should come back as well. But she'll likely have lessened abilities with those legs. You need to know what she will be dealing with."

Wow, the nurse had given me a job to channel my energies at the same time allaying many of my fears while prepping me to be the best caregiver for my wife. What do you know? She WAS trained in the interpersonal stuff.

Proving the point, she'd actually taken the edge off my considerable anxiety. By painting a picture of the future, she subtly told me there would be a future after all. Everything else could be handled. It was deftly done. They set me up perfectly for dropping the bomb.

The car's air bag deployed in the accident keeping Addie from other apparent injury, but she was in a coma with brain swelling. And that was going to be touch and go, they had actually removed a small section of her skull to relieve the pressure caused by the swelling. They told me if the swelling subsided soon enough, they could replace the same section they had excised, if not they would merely put in a plate later. They sounded nonchalant about the procedure but said the degree of swelling worried them. Damn, they were devastating with that one-two combination.

They continued that it wasn't like they hadn't seen this degree of brain swell before, but it had always been touch and go, and things didn't always work out happily. I got on my knees and told them they could have my vital organs if that's what it took to keep her alive and make her well; just let my Addie survive!

Pulling me back to my seat, they assured me they were very good at what they did and were doing everything they could, but conditions like this were out of their hands, everything that could be done would be, which sounded like a great cover-your-ass statement. Then they let me stew for a couple more hours.

The nurse came back later to talk to me some more. She told me she saw both great concern from families and lack there-of every day, so she could tell I really loved my wife. I told her I was serious that I would trade my life for Addie's and would sign any form they needed in order to do so. She smiled and put her hand on mine telling me that was sweet, but things just didn't work that way. She said she was letting me know that they really did have an excellent handle on my wife's condition.

I called my in-laws and broke the news. Then I did the same with my folks. I asked them if they could start calling a list of family and friends that they were familiar with. I called one of Addies good friends, Carol, and filled her in, turning her loose on the phones to tell others, which led to a strange exchange.

Carol asked me if Addie was alone when she crashed and where Addie's accident took place. There seemed to be some meaning she could glean when she asked what time the accident occurred. I just told her Addie was in a coma and may die, what did that matter? It was a matter I should have given more attention.

The police finally came, they asked me questions such as if Addie normally traveled the route where she had the accident. Now I really didn't know what to make of Carol's questions about where Addie was and if she was alone. I blurted that out to the cops. One asked about my wife being alone, "Should she have been?"

I answered trying to be as helpful as I could, "Well yes and no. She wasn't scheduled to be with anyone, yet it wouldn't have been unusual if she had a friend going with her, no matter where she was going."

"Exactly where was she going?" the policeman asked.

I tried not to sound flustered, "I have no idea officers. There's nothing we frequent on that side of town. Perhaps a new lunch place or coffee shop?" I offered a solution that sounded reasonable though my stomach began to ache.

Seemingly satisfied, the police started to share some information with me. The long and short of things was that Addie wasn't paying attention and ran an intersection ending up partially under a dump truck. She broke her legs as the front end of her car collapsed. Her body nose-dived and was met in the forehead by the deploying air bag. The docs think that might be the reason for her concussion and the brain stem swelling. They verified Addie was alone in her car. I felt a bit of relief.

Then they told me she was on Highway 8. Previously I had only known the side of town where the accident occurred, not the road. 8? That was on the far side of town and not someplace we normally went. Confusingly there's no easy exit for a coffee shop or such off 8. It's only convenient to apartments and houses.

The police saw my consternation. I explained I had no earthly idea why she would be there. I offered that perhaps she was going to pick up a friend. I said I'd ask one of my wife's friends, specifically Carol, who had asked where Addie had been. I wanted to know if the location meant anything to her.

When Carol arrived at the hospital, I asked her straight off. She turned ashen. What the hell was that?

"I need you to come clean, Carol."

She answered with sentences right out of a crime movie, "I will, Jim, I promise, but not here. You must understand I'm not your enemy, in fact I am your ally. I'm trying to take care of you, not her, right now. Addie might have been in a terrible accident, be in a coma, with broken legs, but she has an entire army to help her. You need someone to watch over you."

I wasn't sure what to make of that either. Carol was a quiet person not a cryptic one.

"Carol, I'm going to put my faith in what the doc told me initially: that Addie should be good except for possibly her legs. Addie may lose the looks of her pretty legs, but not the use. The plastic surgeons may be able to make them sightly again, but not like before, which doesn't matter. I'll stay with her. I love her. I'll get her through this."

I couldn't help but sigh at the accidental irony, "Yeah, if only Addie could be like before."

"Yeah before," Carol chimed in absent mindedly.

A few nights later I was in Addie's hospital room, I'd taken to sleeping there in the other bed in case she regained consciousness. The nurses frequently pulled the little curtain around my bed if they were working on my wife. Perhaps cleaning lines and catheters seemed cruel or insensitive in front of her husband, perhaps they didn't want to wake me. Anyway, I would wake up and find the curtain pulled. One of these late nights well after the nurses had done their pulling the curtain act a man came in the room. There were male nurses and attendants so that was not unusual. I didn't let on that I was awake, not wanting to scare or intimidate anyone who was just trying to do their job. The guy didn't see me at all. That's part of how I knew this was so genuinely awful.

He stopped by Addie's bed and stood looking at her for a while, then he apologized to Addie though she was in a coma. He said tearfully that it was all his fault ... because she was on way to see him. He began to cry openly. Everyone wondered why the hell she was where she was when the accident took place, now I had a terrible answer. I prayed this situation would change direction. I felt I was in a wounded nosediving airplane urging it with everything I had, even my voice, to pull up, pull up!

This guy just kept going as he cried harder and harder. He was saying all sorts of things: that he didn't want to hurt Addie's family, that he didn't know who it was safe to speak to because he didn't know who knew what. He said in that vacuum of information he had just stayed away. He hated it. Then he thought about the late-night shift nurses. They might not be familiar with what her husband looks like. He thought he would show up and stay then go to work early. He was sorry that it took him this long to think of it. It had hurt him badly being away and he was sure that it had hurt Addie too. But the plan had worked, he got nurses to let him in her room tonight.

"Perhaps they think I'm Jim. I will come to you Addie, but only at night. I don't want to cost you more than I have. But I will never leave you Addie, I know you love me." Then he really broke down. That last missive may have been delusional on his part, but it sounded straight from the soul. Everything he'd said, the sacrifice of not wanting to cause her family pain, or her embarrassment, sounded like a man sacrificing in pain. Finally, he choked out, "You know I love you too. But I will only see you at night."

I saw the man was on his knees now, his hands on the bed, his fingertips touching my wife's unmoving arm. Then he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned his head around to see me standing behind him, even in the dark I could see the whites of his eyes go wide. I kept my hand on his shoulder. It was meant to be taken as reassurance. Except as he tried to rise, he realized I was also pinning him in place. I wanted to make sure we understood each other before any blows were thrown.

I told him softly, "It's going to be crowded in here even late at night." He tried to rise. I let him get a few inches off the ground before I put more pressure on his shoulder pushing him back down. He tried to rise against me, as I said, "A little too crowded, just like my marriage has been for the last year." The guy's knees buckled.

I was surprised that he showed up, I guess it spoke well of him. What's a husband supposed to say about a lover, that he thinks it's great the guy isn't interested in only his wife's body? That he wants all of her? My concern was not with him, but my wife. You see I'm not the cuck type. And I'm not a small man. I guess, no I'm sure, everyone would presume I'd kill the guy ... if there was another guy, that is. There was a guy, but I feared the one percent chance my wife loved him. So, I hadn't killed him. Not yet. Doing that prematurely would ensure that Addie would never come back to me. My wife didn't know I knew. But Rob, his name was Rob, sure knew I knew now.

I wasn't sure how things were going to end. I'd been working my plan, the accident threw a major wrench into things, then her affair just didn't seem important, only Addie and her living was important. This other horrendous situation had taken a very distant back seat, now I had to deal with it, and with Rob.

Call me a cuck but Addie is my heart, she didn't just own it, she was my heart. Was I willing to get past this? Yes, if we really got past it, with Addie leaving the affair and Rob in the dust. I had been about to lower the boom: the damned affair had enough time to run its course and hadn't. So, the time had come for me to intervene, the accident preempted it.

I made a quick decision: a fight in a hospital room was only going to be a good thing in a James Bond movie, not with my wife hanging between life and death. And I wanted to know more about this man. His coming here, what he said: the damned affair had much greater depth than I thought. I made my face wear a mask that said I was not a threat, well not an immediate threat, to him. Though I did rachet up his anxiety.

"Come over to the far side of the room and talk to me ... Rob." He went pale realizing I knew much more about him than he thought.

We talked. It was a unique experience. Once he realized I really did plan to let him survive the encounter, it was as edifying as it was heartbreaking.

Rob visited two of the next four nights as well. We chatted. He didn't want to like me, but was harboring a grudging respect. Once his respect was in place, although he tried to hide it, I saw he looked at me in a way that made my blood run cold: with pity. I never envisioned a scenario where I lost to him. I would not allow myself to think that way. Now the possibility had planted itself, though it was still a gnat compared to the possibility my beloved Addie might pass away. We were both somewhat surprised but encouraged to find out that the other man truly cared for Addie. I was not an abuser and he was not a womanizer. He knew I still hated the fact of him if not him. If we went head to head it would be a very short encounter, both attitudinally and physically. I had him beat seven ways to Sunday, it was obvious to both of us. But, damn it, he still looked at ME with pity. He knew for a fact how much I loved my wife. He remarked about it, saying it was apparent to everyone, even in the way the nurses briefed me.

I told the nurses Rob was Addie's brother with a wry smile, so they let him stay. Yeah, I seemed to have it all nailed down, so how was it this guy was sleeping with MY wife?

Let me digress to answer an obvious question. I'm a successful man. Frankly I've succeeded where others have failed. I'm capable and well built. So why didn't I kill Rob? Several reasons. I didn't want to go to jail, especially as I wanted to be near Addie. I wanted to make sure she had an advocate when she couldn't be one for herself. And I heard Rob say he loved her. Normally that would have been sufficient reason to make sure he was never heard from again. But Addie was in a coma, in a state somewhere between life and death. It just didn't seem to be the right time to drag the woodchipper out.

Also, Addie's condition drained me mentally, I wasn't in the right frame of mind for homicide. And then there was the worst reason I could imagine: maybe Addie would react to his voice as mine wasn't getting the job done.

* * * * * *

I had a new plan, I wanted information. I actually had the guy come over to the hospital room during the day when family and friends were there, he appreciated my introducing him as a friend of Addie's from work. At the mention of Rob's name Addie's mother got a funny look as if she was trying to remember something that would not quite come to her. She was very suspicious of Rob from then on. Clearly, she was not in on their affair. I set the entire introduction up to see who was. At his introduction I saw a couple of faces, not as many as I thought, give wide eyed expressions.

"This is Rob. He's a friend of Addie's from work, does anyone here know him?" was my introduction to the room. "I think it's very nice for him to care so much as to come." I looked at him with a face that made him swallow. "I ah, think it best you make him feel - like family."

Yep, positive ID on two women with their mouths open, perhaps two others, but probs not. I'd be having a little chat with the ones I was sure of today. Their reactions were different enough to take specific note of. One seemed incredulous at Rob's audacity, the other, Carol, was trying to kill him with her eyes.

The three of us had left to grab lunch, we did it in shifts. I left the crowd in Addie's room, including Rob. If he felt guilty in there, great. He deserved it. If he really loved her as he told me, then at least he got to be with her in the light of day. I'd quietly told the two ladies I saw react to Rob that I wanted to go to lunch with them alone. I'm a large, tall, man possessing what many have called "command bearing", people look to me for assurance and guidance. I never abuse this gift and sweat the details to make sure I didn't lead folks astray. I may have been given that gift, but I worked hard to live up to it. Now my decisions concerned my own wife. No one questioned my actions in the current emergency. Neither did the ladies I told were going to lunch with me. They knew it had to do with my wife, other than that they had no clue as to what this lunch was going to be about. Both ladies looked at me with large cow eyes as I guided them down the corridor and out to my car.

We were seated at a quiet eat-in deli in the furthest corner. I waited all of three seconds after we were all seated before I asked, "Why did you support Rob in his conquest of my wife? Why would you support the dissolution of my marriage?"

They sat there open mouthed. Soon Carol was looking down seething. I was truly shocked at Carol being a co-conspirator, she seemed like a true up-and-up person.

I continued, "I intend to win her back thoroughly. Then I will deal with him. I can't stand that Addie had a dalliance, little less an affair. Damn it all, now that puke, Rob, has actual feelings for her. I want my future with her, because I never stopped loving HER. I hope you support THAT."

I hoped letting them know I knew about my wife's affair and their involvement would rattle them enough to forget any concocted cover story and give me the straight information. The two looked back at me.

Carol waded in with more than a little emotion in her voice, "Jim, I-I never wanted to take sides. I was hard on Addie for ... Rob. But you need to know, now that it's out in the open, it's not just physical. It's well ... Christ, how to do you ever say this about an affair? I wanted to say it's not tawdry. Damn it, I can't say that to you. You've been tremendous to and for Addie. It's not fair that some of us go our whole lives, thus far anyway, and never find a good guy and she got two."

I let the disgust and anger I was feeling seep into my answer, "I'll second that "not fair" bit, especially as I was there first, and Addie promised me she was off the market. She shouldn't have been looking for another "good guy". Lastly concerning Rob, no "good guy" has an affair with a married woman."

If a voice can wince Carol's did, "Addie wasn't looking. And, oh damn, Jim, you weren't there first. Rob's known her since college."

I was trying hard to wear a poker face. That Addie had known Rob longer than me was a shock, she'd never mentioned him at all. "Were they an item then?" This was new information and more than a little unsettling.

"Not in love, Jim, but good friends. Steady dating friends. If you're looking for how a guy got to your wife through your White Knight armor, no one could. Rob was already in there, inside the gates when you put your armor around Addie. He was trusted and was part of her before you put up the walls to protect her. He wasn't her lover any longer, but he was inside the shields, and years later that fact allowed their relationship to grow once more. Addie should have been a lot more forthcoming to you and everyone about his transfer here and their working together, and his folks dying. Well, damn it, about everything."