Losing

Addie got a funny look; she became grey again. "Oh Jim, this is the act you can't forgive, isn't it? Oh Jim, you can't die. And I can't be the instrument that kills you. Oh Jim!"

Addie looked heartsick and guilty, but I got the sense that perhaps not all the guilt was for me. And I don't know if what she did next was designed to make amends with another or prop me up and keep me from breaking by letting me know I was in the presence of an adversary.

"He's uh, Rob's here Jim. Can I let him in please?"

All I could think of was part of the Hail Mary: "now at the hour of our death." To understand how profoundly I felt this understand that I'm not Catholic.

Strangely, I felt my heart beat stronger. It wasn't a heartbeat of love. It was a shuddering thing, like that of a man mortally wounded that still needs to get his children away from the car wreckage before they are hurt too.

There was a sneer embedded in my dismay, "Here? You had him here, for THIS talk? That's exceedingly ... ungracious of you!" I pulled back from just about every other word I was thinking of using. Even at that Addie acted like part of her simply fell onto the floor next to me. Sorry, I didn't want to crush her. But no, not sorry, she had to know the score. She had this next part coming.

"It also gives absolute lie to your loving me, and absolute proof to your claim of the inadequacy of your love for me. Inadequate by absence!" I paused then added, "Oh what the hell, sure. The wages of the vanquished are mine: no quarter, no dignity, only the taste of ashes." I shook my head, "I don't deserve a lot of this Addie, but I don't get THIS added indignity at all! This is about as personal as it gets for me, and you invited a cheering squad to toast my demise? You must hate me! Couldn't we have at least done this privately, dissected me intimately instead of publically? Are you filming it for the internet?"

That struck a chord within me, and I had to consider my options. Many actions, both good and bad, can be exactly the same and are only defined one way or the other by the motivation behind them.

Addie sagged under some great unseen weight. She curled, rolling onto a hip propping her torso up on her outstretched arms. She tried to say something, sounding as if she was strangling on it. Something to the effect of no, or I didn't mean it that way. Hmmm, I wasn't sure her motivations meant much, as they were still kicks to my gut while I was down. And I shouldn't have been down in the first place.

I'd still take pity on her, even if she couldn't be decent to me. Oddly, it seemed she'd intended all this to be some sort of a slow controlled let down for me, not the disembowelment it turned out to be. She knew me: how could she believe it was ever going to be anything else?

Fuck it, she'd made her damn choice. Let's see what else she had planned. I nodded to her to allow her lover entre. As Rob heard my agreement to enter, he walked in and stood by Addie keeping her between us. I had no desire to remain by her side if she wanted him by hers. I composed myself and stood.

I went over to the computer. Our house had a sophisticated security system I installed when she was recuperating. I wanted to know if Addie needed help, if she was in distress anywhere. I wanted her to know she could reach me from anywhere. I made a copy of our recent living room conversation and sent it to my phone.

Rob and Addie had no care for what I was doing, they were too wrapped up in what they were feeling. I guess this talk was going to be so traumatic for Addie she had to have her support staff on immediate call. That was another kick in the balls for me. She saw to it she was tended to but not me; dammit I was the ambushed party. That's what this was now: an ambush. It had started as a heartfelt conversation between spouses, but Rob's presence made it something else entirely. Addie saw his presence change my entire perception of events. She crushed her eyes together understanding having him here was a massive mistake.

I looked at them, him trying to help her and her distraught, shaking her head unable to speak. I know my face showed not only despair and hurt, but disgust at the contempt she must have for me. I never merited that. And yet here I was, blown away and destroyed by her hand. She'd had no thought to my disposition. I'm sure they didn't call any ally for me. They were moving ahead now: beginning to heal so they could love. I was yesterday's hero and yesterday's news.

Sometimes the good guy has had enough, sometimes he finally does something for himself. I eyed Rob malevolently. This situation was bad enough, but he didn't belong here. He saw me glower at him. So many emotions to juggle, "thanks you two" I thought. For his part, Rob didn't want to speak, when he did, he went to some effort to sound as conciliatory as he could. Wise man. He finally wondered what I was doing at the computer. All he got out was my name, "Jim?"

I didn't bother facing him, I answered as I kept working, "Rob, first off for the time being Addie is my wife and this is my house. Touching her here puts you in grave danger and smack in harm's way. Do you understand?"

His hands still reaching out for Addie froze, and to her credit Addie immediately began to crawl away from him. Despite what she'd done, her face was pure compassion for me now.

"Secondly Rob, my family thinks Addie is the world's greatest woman. That's because I told them she was. Addie's parents have told me they couldn't imagine a finer mate for their daughter than me. Further, that I am the son they never had."

Addie started crying louder. Rob's face danced as he drew conclusion after conclusion.

"Wait, you don't understand," I cautioned, "As some have called Addie and me "the world's best couple" people, friends, and family see us as a symbol of hope and permanence in an unstable world. They WILL have an emotional response to finding out that life has cheated them again. Some will have a terrible time believing it's over between us as we were the "couple made in heaven". Folks come up with strange theories to explain such inexplicable things. None of us needs that speculation surrounding us. If we, Addie and I, were perfect for each other and didn't make it, there will be fall out. No one will believe she just loved someone more than me. I don't either, Rob."

I turned and looked squarely at him. He started until he realized I posed no immediate threat, though he knew not to turn his back to me. If he screwed up once with Addie, his ass would be mine. Damn it all, I didn't expect him to screw this up. He wasn't a charlatan. This was all too real, all too horrible, and all too permanent for me. This was my unfortunate reality.

"I don't believe Addie loves me. Nothing would make me happier than Addie loving me. I believe Addie fell out of love with me by giving what was supposed to be her love for me to you. In effect pouring water from a full glass into an empty one. By the end the empty glass was full and full one desolate. It fits what I see. If, as Addie professes, she still loved me in any degree, there were many things she wouldn't have done. She would have come to me and talked it out instead of keeping it all from me until after the matter was decided against me. Hell, she wouldn't have seen you again after the first pang she felt in her heart for you. And she never EVER would have invited you to this: my "Dear John" meeting. That's just common decency."

Addie sobbed loudly.

"I would have hoped, just out of politeness for the hopes and dreams we once shared, that she knows I still hold, she would've had some consideration of me. That's simply not the case. She only thought of her having to deal with killing me, but once it was over for her, it was over. Then you ride in to make it all good again, while I still remaining barely alive bleeding in the gutter, but I don't matter. She only saw her part, not mine, she only saw what she would have to endure. After her trauma is over, it's all over. My dying body doesn't matter, my destroyed heart, all of it, even that I'm still suffering and not quite dead yet, none of it matters; out of sight, out of mind. She had this one dramatic, distasteful ordeal she had to undergo before she could sweep away everything that used to be and concentrate on being happy. That's so incredibly insensitive, and so unlike the Addie I know, that I must surmise that in her heart I have already ceased to exist. Whatever it is, there's nothing of love in it.

"Remember, I was just blindsided by this a few minutes ago. You are used to it; you've been planning my demise for a while. You knew it was coming and where you wanted it to go. I still love Addie, but now I'm supposed to forget that, and wish you guys well. I'm supposed to feel like I'm the interloper here. Well, I haven't packed a thing. I didn't expect any of this today. And Addie knows my every weak spot, my every vulnerability: she knows or should know my turmoil at this Godforsaken situation.

Instead, she blindsides me and invites you to watch me burn. If Addie still loved me at all, she wouldn't have done that. She knows all too well how your presence would make me feel. For the record like being spat on. What would seem an obvious concern for someone, even a stranger, is absent. So, the idea that she rerouted what was love for me to you makes sense, explaining why she is strangely devoid of consideration, if not compassion, for me. Seen from the standpoint of love, it's like only one of us, you or I, can exist. It's no longer me. That's why when she realized she loved you she pulled the plug on me so quickly. She never thought about throwing the baby out with the bathwater: only about refilling the tub. I was in the way, so out with the old and in with ... you."

Addie looked like she was in shock. Her eyes were absolutely huge as she digested my words asking herself if that isn't exactly what she had done.

I wasn't finished, "Rob, Addie cared only for what she loved: she didn't want you to think anything untoward happened between us, her and I. Even though Addie is my wife, she didn't want YOU to think that she so much as gave me one last memory of her company, even apparently so much as a goodbye kiss. Fuck whatever I think and feel. I guess I was supposed to drop dead."

Addie fell completely prone on the floor. I couldn't do anything for her. She'd removed me from my post as her protector. I continued speaking to Rob, "I want so desperately to go to her, to help her now, to comfort her but ... she won't let me, she doesn't want that ... from me." however my expression also told him I would not tolerate seeing him rush to her aid in front of me in my own house.

I stomped on the awkward silence that enveloped us, "Back to business, some who know the couple we used to be, or perhaps friends that are more mine than hers, would have revenge. Some would be angry at either Addie or myself, and on and on. Addie was honest with me about the facts of the matter: that she wants you not me. And that she was sorry. I think she deludes herself that she still holds me in any special regard, especially love. But she was honest that she didn't love me anywhere near enough to fight for me or keep me, or frankly from what I see here, care for me." I shook my head ruefully to no one in particular. That last point ate at me. Addie may not be able to control who she loves but her telling me with Rob in the wings showed a lack of compassion I found staggering to someone you lived with and once loved.

When my cobwebs cleared, I added soberly, "I'm going to have my say. Rob, I'm sorry, you will not love Addie as well as I can or do. Here's why. If you loved her and saw how she was breaking under the strain of your advances, if you knew she was in love with her husband and he was good to her and loved her, then you would have removed yourself from the equation. That's if you loved her as much as me. You didn't do that. I see how much she loves you now, and as I love her as much as I possibly know how, I also see how impossible my position is, and that my fighting for her will only cause her pain. So... I am removing myself from the situation. I love her too much: I simply can't let Addie suffer."

She wailed. So far I was working at cross purposes.

Rob was looking at me with his mouth open. I took that as an invitation to further explain, "I can only help Addie if she wants me to. She doesn't. I asked her outright. I asked her if she wanted my love and she answered by telling me how much she wants and loves you. She couldn't even give my love a respectable burial."

I took a few moments chewing on the inside of my cheek. I looked Rob square in the face but held my hands out from my side to show lack of hostility. It took tremendous effort.

"Rob, I don't think either one of us honestly believes you wouldn't be dead in seconds if I wanted that. Well, I do want that and very, very, badly. But your demise would hurt Addie, so instead I would die pushing you out of the way of a bus, because I love Addie that much.

"I've lost. Am I dismayed I was never given a chance to compete for what I want most in life: the woman I thought was already mine? Absolutely! It's a staggering blow all on its own. I realize now that even though I knew about this affair for some time, Addie had lost her love for me before I even found out. I've been dead all this time and just didn't know it. It explains all her facial emotions I could no longer read. All those soulful looks I got from her were pity or something else, not love. Damn it, I could feel the absence of love."

I was shaking my head now as I turned towards my wife, "I do want one thing in the future, it can be a long way in the future. I've never thought of you as a bad person, so why and how could you keep sucking in my love, using it to heal yourself, when you already knew you'd stopped loving me? I never thought you capable of the like."

Before she could answer I shrugged, I didn't want to hear another thing she had to say today. It was time to get this over with.

I motioned to the corner of the ceiling, "This talk, this scene, this debacle has been picked up by the security system I installed to keep track of Addie while she was rehabbing. It was not to spy on her, I thought I'd vanquished you, there was no need to spy. It was to make sure Addie could not fall and be alone without aid, help, or compassion. Today's accidental recording will let those who want or need to have a say in this because of their own emotional investment know that it was love on Addie's part, and that it was no use on mine. That as unfortunate as the end of our marriage is, it's what needs to happen ... and they should let it go. Those that have heartburn about it need to know to simply leave you alone: it's too late, it's done; they need to spend their efforts and energy elsewhere. So that will be my final gift to the two of you."

I heard Addie sob then croak out, "Jim one day I will talk to you... alone. I will do it right when we do it. I'm so sorry about today: everything that happened today and everything that led to it. But you already have your answer. So, I will meet you on that day to be accountable for it. I disagree with your assessment of my loving you. Obviously, I am pathetically weak, and I have failed miserably at loving you. A good and true man should never have to go through this ordeal with the love of his life. I needed you and loved you, and I did not - never - want to take myself away from you. I need you now but know I can't keep stealing from you. If I couldn't find a way to be absolutely yours, especially in the light of how totally you give of yourself to me then I shouldn't keep steeling your love. I tried and failed. I know my failure will crush you, and I'm sorry for that too!

"I didn't deserve your love. Everything you wanted in life was a very flawed me, and I really wanted to give that to you. All that the demi-god who loved me wanted was frail, weak, undeserving, mortal me. And I wanted so much to give you what you wanted. I knew I'd mess up even that. Each time I thought that I shrank a little more in my own comparison to you, and I felt myself fall just a little farther away. I didn't want it, obviously I never found a way to fight it. I still love you and always will, but it's not enough. I must be accountable for that Jim, and on that day, whenever it comes, I will not fail you. But Jim, I fear that opportunity to redeem myself will not arise in this lifetime. No matter how hard I've tried to find a way out, I haven't been able to escape my fate of hurting you in return for loving me."

We were silent for a while. I went over the things I should take with me. The idea revolved in my head. I finally said, "I don't see why I should leave. This is on you, Addie. You should go." I could see on Rob's face both that he didn't expect that, and also that the house was not a windfall he was interested in. That took the steam out of my anger. I added, "But really, staying here now would just haunt me with the echo of your absence." I sighed, "If you haven't already Addie, don't fuck him in our bed. Just throw out the mattress with all memories of me."

She showed no signs of past guilt on the subject of Rob visiting our bed, so I had that at least. She didn't even blanch at my less than romantic terminology for their expression of physical love. I turned to collect some of my things.

I added while my back was to them, "Addie, I won't make trouble for you, either of you, but try to steer clear of me, I don't need the humiliation of seeing you with another man."

Addie could tell I wasn't finished. I hesitated as I searched for words that wouldn't cloak my question with my own loss. "I must ask you something. I ask because I am concerned with your happiness. Before you answer me, I want you to really think about this." I paused again letting her know I was now asking the question instead of discussing it. "Is this really what you want? Specifically, him instead of me." I nodded towards Rob with the side of my head.

Addie answered so sadly it was tough to keep from comforting her. "I've thought of little else. Yes, this is what I want."

I held up my hand before she could say she was sorry again. I told her, "Then once I'm gone it's irrevocable. You can't keep ping ponging back and forth between us. Rob certainly made a miraculous comeback in your heart. He worked very hard to bring that about. I won't. I will respect the boundaries and your love together, doing exactly the opposite of Rob not respecting ours. Also, I won't want you back. You've made a decision to further your own happiness at my considerable harm. You may discover one day that I've never done the same to you. That may change your opinion of who can care for you best, but it will be too late. If you let me leave after all this, I can't come back."

"Wait!" Addie suddenly called to me. I turned back towards her.

Addie pushed her torso up off the floor, holding herself atop her outstretched arms. "Jim, somehow you knew you were in this ... mess, you knew about my ... infidelity far longer than I thought. Even if you didn't know this was coming today, even if you didn't believe this would be the outcome." The look of self-loathing on her face at her last few words stopped my heart. I have no idea how she could think it, but she hadn't intended for this to be so ... bloody. "Jim, please tell me, as the smartest man I know, that you have a contingency plan, something to do, someone to be with if things didn't go your way with me. Please Jim, tell me that you aren't out there "without aid, help, or compassion."" The sorrow with which she repeated my words from earlier was haunting.

I answered honestly, "Baby, you said it yourself, with the heart it is winner take all. I understand how love works even if I don't understand love. I thought I did: clearly, I don't, all this proves it."