Losing

"I'm just trying to explain; I would never dare try to justify my actions. You don't spit in Love's face, Jim. You've said that for a long time. So, being honest with love: I loved Rob, I have to admit that, and frankly Jim, I still do..."

I started to stand and go. I'd had enough; I had to vent off a little pressure before I blew a gasket.

Addie lunged for me, "Wait! Wait, please Jim, we are to the crux of it now, just another few seconds."

I'd evaded her lunge and was walking towards the door, Addie started to scramble across the bed to reach me. She was still on her hands and knees, which despite her rehab still had to hurt like crazy, as she quickly shouted after me.

"You completely overwhelm him in all things! I love you, Jim! Jim, you just do."

I was so incredulous at what she was saying I actually stopped and looked back at her. Addie took the opportunity to quickly say more, "But as I felt... that... for him, I felt I couldn't tell him to go away over the phone. I should have told him in the hospital! I was weak and still out of it, and honestly scared to death to say anything. I was no-where near strong enough to handle his objections. So yes, I wanted to see him one last time in person - to tell him it was over. That's the truth!"

Addie saw instead of placating me she'd put me on the boiler. She blurted, "Let me pre-empt you. I'm not saying I'm a tower of virtue. You can ask if my seeing him one last time means to lay with him one last time. You must be thinking that. I can't deny Rob has a hold on me, Jim. So, I pray not. That's not good enough for either of us, none of this is. I wanted someplace fairly public to discourage that, but private enough to not shame him in the doing. It played on me that he'd lost his wife and his parents and there was only one other person he'd ever had a truly strong connection with. I was the prototypical fool with a past. I know I was being coy on the phone. I'm mortified at what you heard. But I didn't want to give him reason to be suspicious. I've already said I'm not strong enough. I've admitted he has a hold on me, even how I feel about him. Please Jim, I didn't want him to raise the stakes and start coming here to change my mind. Someone would see him and tell you and you'd think I was fucking you over again, or - I hate this - or he'd talk his way inside. If he did that I truly don't know if I could hold him off.

"Do you understand Jim? You forgave the affair: can you forgive my way of ending it?"

Addie sighed, "No secrets my love." She shook her head in obvious disgust with what she was about to say. "Forgive me, neither Rob nor I are as strong as you are. If the tables were turned between you and he, you'd be honorable enough to not do it; I don't know if Rob can be. He's a good man." She put her head down, "As disgusting as it is for me to tell you that, I believe it, though it does leave a bad taste in my mouth. But how many good men could push away like that? I sincerely hope I would be strong enough to preclude it," she put her head down again, "Though we already know that I have been distressingly weak."

Addie took a while to compose herself and to stem some of her tears. I was interested that she recognized many of the problems and their depth. I wanted to hear more of her plan to set things right. All she had to do was ask for my intervention and I would make sure he never bothered us again. But she said she loved him... I needed to hear more about that.

"My parents were beside themselves on the phone. They think of you as a son. My father pled with me not to make your meeting them today the last time you ever called him "Dad." He even told me if you couldn't call him father any longer that he felt it only fair that I couldn't either. He said you were too good of a man to harm Rob, but he wasn't. He said he would see Rob as an outsider attacking his son, even if his daughter wouldn't admit Rob was an attack on her marriage."

I was a more than a bit overwhelmed by the course the conversation had taken. It was a lot to take in. In her panicked state Addie didn't give me time to process and respond. She seemed to believe that giving me any time to reflect would naturally lead to a negative outcome. She rushed to fill the silence again.

"My mother tried a different tack. She said you healed me and that in return I should not... kill... you. She told me to think about a life without you. That broke me. Carol and I cried the entire time.

"Carol told me to record my next conversation in case you ever needed to hear it, so I did. She's very considerate that way. Take my phone, it's keyed to the conversation, all you have to do is hit "play". Carol taped it too, so you can compare the recordings and know I didn't edit it. Jim, you want to hear this one: I told Rob over the phone to go away and never come back!

"I did it for our marriage and I did it for another reason too. I told you I never loved you less. Well, when I thanked you for helping me through rehab, I thanked you and praised you and even asked for your blessings, but I-I can't believe it: I never told you I loved you! Not until the end. You told Carol that and she told me. I am inconsolable over that, Jim. I've hurt you in so many ways. You were carrying all of that bilk and pain for quite some time even before you heard me say that I would go see Rob in person. Of course, you thought I'd chosen him. I'm sorry, Jim. And I do love you. I love you as well as I can. And I'm trying to love you better each day. I love you, Jim!"

Addie held her arms open as nervous and anxious as I'd ever seen her. She truly didn't know what I'd decide. I didn't rush to her, but I didn't make her wait. I traveled to her and wrapped my arms around her. She scratched me through my shirt grasping it so tightly. Then she simply came apart. She seemed completely in, completely engaged, completely earnest. But it was more relief than reunion.

I still felt something off. Then I asked myself if this wasn't exactly what I'd been hoping for. It was. Had I pulled away. Even if it was just for the moment here was everything I wanted in life. Now that I had what I wanted wouldn't I let myself enjoy it?

When I let myself go and held Addie as strongly as I should have, she simply dissolved calling out my name over and over. I gave her reason to over and over. There's nothing like hearing your wife go hoarse from calling your name in passion.

* * * * * *

I was joyous to have Addie back. The next few months were heaven to me. Everyone, even Addie, commented on her recovery and my support and obvious love of her. And Addie's, I don't know what to call it, respect for, or perhaps adoration of me. I know many men don't ever receive that, so it's odd to say that even when basking in its limelight that it was obvious something serious was missing. I felt a distance start to grow between us. She looked at me adoringly for a long time then it seemed she was more marveling at me. I didn't deserve the former, but the later, especially in comparison, was unsettling. I think everyone felt it as much as anything. It had to come to a head.

Addie starred at me as we made a Sunday lunch in the kitchen. Her expression was amazing, I've never seen the like. Adoration mixed with imminent inverse peristalsis. She'd dutifully prepared everything she normally would to start our intimate afternoon. Coffee was an unusual addition. She smiled at me at every opportunity, almost a housewife from a fifty's situation comedy. I moved us to the family room by simply walking there from the kitchen, she followed along behind me. As she handed me the coffee her hands were trembling. She stood there almost frozen ready to offer me the libation. It wasn't until some sloshed out and the heat scorched her hand that she put it down with a clack on the coffee table. She looked at the small amount of spilled coffee and the noise it had made with horror: it had ruined the presentation... and the performance. The small incident had thrown off her obvious script, she rushed forth with her dialog.

"Jim, I-I am prepared to stay your wife and try to make you happy the rest of your days."

There was no way to see this except as an odd statement between a husband and wife.

"Why do I detect a "but"?"

Her head shook slightly back in forth in the "no" gesture, yet her eyes never left mine. "It's not fair and it's not good." She mumbled out.

Oh Jesus, I thought, what's happening? Addie saw my face as I tried to not splinter into a thousand pieces.

"But, but Jim I-I yearn to be with Rob. I love you I do, but Rob..." Addie clenched her eyes shut. Her lips moved to some inner dialog. She tried again, "You and I work so well together: we are perfectly fitting pieces. I know it won't always make the best union, but Rob and I are almost the same piece." Addie ground to a stop again. Her brow furrowed. Her mouth made an awful shape like she might wretch. She was horrified to do what she was. When she finally formed words, they were composed of solid twenty-four carat sincerity. "I do love you, Jim. I want to love you more! I'm angry at the Almighty that I don't... love you... more than Rob."

I never felt myself fall, I felt myself hit the floor. Addie was to me quickly, but she still didn't move fast on her rebuilt legs. I had to have been down there for a while. Once she reached me, she knelt on the floor in front of me, putting her arms around me. I knew kneeling hurt her.

"But I love you, Addie."

"I know," she sobbed, "and I love you. Forgive me! I love you more than I think many or most wives love their husbands. And I know that you love me more than any husband I've ever known loves his wife. B-But... oh I can't say it again.

"There has to be a Devil, Jim, because this has to be his work. I've never felt anything but wonder at your presence, so why am I given a friend that my feelings for could develop into... this? It's love, but feels unholy, but it IS love. I know we cannot go forward as three," she looked almost hopefully at me for a second.

"We most certainly cannot! That would be spitting into the face of true love." I was as loud as I was disgusted. I was something she feared as well: hurt of course, but I was also disappointed in her! That scorched her to the core. And that may tell the problem with our relationship.

She cried and nodded. "I-I know Jim. You did nothing wrong. You did everything right! You always put me first. And now and now... the time you spent, the money, the effort, oh God in heaven help me, the love and devotion you put into healing me. You healed me when I was broken. You forgave me when I broke your heart. How can things turn out this way? I don't want to feel this way. I WANT to love you the best!"

Then more quietly she added, "And I know no one ever loved me or loves me more. I know that; and need you to know that I do. It's just not fair, but I promise you because of everything you have done for me I-I put myself in your hands: if you insist, I will stay with you. I will send Rob away."

Her offering of fealty and devotion seemed more an insult, her eyes opened in fear as she finished. She saw the complete distaste on my face swimming with the sheer heartbreak in my eyes. I could read her thoughts that she had somehow and tragically expressed it wrong. That her words caused more hurt for me, instead of at the very least bring a deep salute to a man she cared deeply for. I hadn't been honored or loved by her words, rather I'd heard them and been offended!

"If I insist?" I repeated, close to livid. "You will stay with me and send Rob away? He shouldn't be around at all to have to be sent away! If he is, it's by your bidding. You will make the supreme sacrifice of leaving him? It shouldn't be a sacrifice: he's something you never should have had! And that "offer" which is really your sworn duty, is somehow supposed to be a testament to me? But you'll send him away, if I insist, and then you'll blame me for his absence? You should have sent him away long ago and a thousand different times by now. If you send him away because I ... insist, not because it is the only non-ugly, right thing to do, will it erode your feelings for me? Will it come between us? Will you ever not regret what you have done? You will stay if I "insist"? You make me sound like a scoundrel or some hideous misshapen beast. All I've ever done is love you!"

Addie looked helpless, "No! No that's not what I meant."

"It IS what you said."

"I married you not him. I loved you first. I-I owe you," she said sounding like she was trying to convince herself more than me.

I'd held my tongue for a long time, but this was too much. It was time for honesty. Addie knew she had taken love and reformed it over a terrible mandrel into something bent and misshapen. The truth was only ugly because she'd made it this way. "Only out of obligation to me? Hah! You should have walked away from him before it got close to love, but now you love him more! You shirked your obligations to me every step of the way. It's a little late for you to play the martyr."

She looked away, "I can't tell you how sorry I am. In many ways I would have chosen death over this moment: over having to tell you, even over having you find out about my affair. That you found out in the hospital where you stayed with me night and day just makes it worse."

"I knew already," I hissed.

Addie gasped.

I noticed my next statement was missing intensity. A sad reality had crept in, "I'd known for a while. I waited months for it to burn out. It didn't. I wanted you to see it for the dirty thing it was. You didn't. I wanted you to choose me. You didn't. It was killing me. We had a weekend away coming up right before your accident, I planned to get it all out in the open then. I was going to force you to see how dirty what you had been doing was, then I was going to send Rob away."

Addie was astonished. She cried and cried, "Oh God. Oh God, Jim, maybe I was getting my wish."

"What do you mean?"

"My comment about dying instead of ever having to tell you. Maybe I was supposed to die in the accident. I was going to Rob's when it happened. We were ... I was planning, oh God this isn't fair, none of it is right: not then and not now. You and I planned to go away for the weekend. Instead, I-I was planning to, but was trying to talk myself out of, telling you Friday before we left that ... that I was leaving you for ... to be with Rob."

My righteous anger blew out like a candle.

Addie tried to explain, "My thinking was that way you wouldn't have to see anyone or deal with it for the whole weekend because we'd planned to be away together. So, if I left you Friday you would have that time away from everyone to gather yourself before having to face the actual real world ... without me."

Addie's eyes were practically projecting tears. Mine should have been casting lasers. But they were cold. I remembered thinking, 'Dear Lord, she's still talking.'

"But Jim, it also seemed to tell you and leave you alone to drown in it was cruel. I've never wanted to harm you, or to hurt you, never to be cruel to you. And yet, and yet, there was no way not to be.

"To know now that you already knew and were taking me away to save our union at the very time I schemed to end us, is in itself heartbreaking. I thought I couldn't feel worse. I'm damned, aren't I?" Addie asked herself aloud, "How can you be damned for love?"

Then to her credit Addie thought how that remark would cut me. Her face swung towards me pie-eyed, "I'm so sorry Jim, that was thoughtless of me!" Her eyes were huge and fearful, as if watching me burn at the stake.

I shook my head to gain clarity as I answered, "Yes to thoughtless. No to damned. You, my love, will have the blessings of love. You will feel bad about me - rightly so, but you will have Rob to hold and console you. And you will have someone to give your love to. Let me tell you what being damned for love is. I love someone who doesn't want my love, who won't take my love." The terrible math added itself in my head, "I guess it's true then: I am damned for love."

Addie's face became a mask of horror as if she'd seen an epiphany of all-consuming doom. She'd feared "damnation for love" and had miraculously escaped it, but only by consigning me to suffer her fate.

"Oh my Loooooord, Jim! What have I done? I never meant this to happen. I would have died to prevent it. But I've caused it. You can't pay for my sin! But you are! Jim, please how do I STOP this?"

"Addie, I will fight for you until I die, given any encouragement you want me to. Do you, does any part of you want me to win your heart?" This was it: all or nothing, a last chance gasp serving the thing in life I'd found was so much larger than myself.

Addie sobbed, just sobbed, "Jim, I love you. I don't know what you will make of this, and It will hurt Rob to hear it. But I've been trying to entice you to make love to me when I should have been fertile. I've been off birth control since the accident. It was a chemical we could lose to avoid potential interaction with the others the doctors were giving me. You've been my nurse, somehow you having to clean and deal with my female mechanizations of nature just seemed to magnify everything that was out of balance. But you didn't even wrinkle your nose. I wept and for many reasons, paramount was I wanted to be pregnant, and only with your child. I've been totally and completely yours this entire time. Pregnancy would have forced my hand. You wanted to stay with me, and I would have raised your child and put everything else away including Rob. It was cowardly, but it would take the decision away from me. And I would relish being your wife and the mother of your children. Having your children would raise you to an even higher plain. But Jim, that's also where some of the disconnect comes in."

"Explain that Addie, because I believe you just chose another man over me, and yet you wanted to be with me and raise my children. I can't reconcile those disparate desires."

She practically shouted, "Yet they're true. I wouldn't be torn, not a bit. You may be on a different plain than me, there are times, a lot of them really, where I feel I can't reach up to you. But you love me completely and I do love you and, oh Gosh, you always have to put children first, so the decision would be made for me. Any personal urges would be over stepped, bypassed, and circumvented, as the circumstances would be entirely different. I prayed for guidance and the thought of bearing your children occurred to me. I thought it was the answer I prayed for, but it hasn't happened. The doc says I will function correctly again, but that I'm still so weak that my body hasn't fully put reproduction back online yet. A-And that impregnation is diminished when a woman is stressed. It was the best reason my doctor came up with that prayer was not answered. If it had been, I would've been all in. I swear to you Jim, I would have been all in!"

Her face was jubilant at the thought of no longer being torn between two loves. Then she was morose to be back where she'd led us, "As it is, I've a decision I must make, and I'm torn. I'm not all in. I know what I should do in these circumstances. Jim, I'm being as honest as I can with you, for you, and us, and even for myself alone. Thinking of you, I truly wish these were not the circumstances.

"So much of me loves you. Much of my heart loves you, but with the heart it's winner takes all. I am desperately sorry Jim, my heart ... my heart wants Rob."

It's a good thing I was on the floor, or I would have hit it again. I'm sure I looked dazed and lost. I looked up at my beloved wife now hovering above me and it all seemed surreal. At the same time my heart was breaking, and it felt like I was dying. Honestly if this was real and I could have chosen to die I would have very seriously considered it.