tagHumor & SatireLST3K Ep. 06: Witch Season

LST3K Ep. 06: Witch Season


Welcome to a special Halloween episode of Literotica Sexual Theater 3000!

We embark from our houses dressed as goblins and princesses, filled with joy and merriment -- only to discover that there are no treats awaiting us, only the cruel trick that is this stinky story.

What do you get when you mix together the peanut butter of bitterness with the chocolate of pent up sexual need? Adrian -- the hunter, our loathsome and unbelievable protagonist in this woeful tale of witchery and juvenile fuck fantasy.

Grab a seat and dip into the complimentary bowl of candy. Fill up on candy corn until you're tweaking like Cornholio. Stay away from those peanut butter kiss things. I just know they've been sitting in the back room at Wal-Mart since last year, because nobody except those blue-haired old ladies that can't see over the dashboard of their Cadillacs is demented enough to buy them. I don't care if they say they're made of real peanut butter, they smell like old feet and have the same texture as plumber's caulk.

Err -- but I digress...

We've got Story Sign!

Turn down your lights.

(Where applicable)


I am the feared man. I am the hunter.

Dark: Goo goo ga joob!

My name is Adrian, and the sound of my battle cry

Dark: Gooooood morning Vietnam!

is the trumpet of retribution that lets witches know their life is at an end.

I devoted my life to destroying Satan's whores on the day that they took my beautiful wife. Stolen from our bed on All Hallows Eve, I was powerless to save my Rachel. Paralyzed by their magic, I could only watch as they turned their foul spells upon my love.

In horror, I struggled in vain against my invisible bonds as the whores peeled away my Rachel's clothes. They laughed at me as their evil magic made her touch them, to suck their tits and lick their cunts. Tears rolled down my cheeks as she moaned in ecstasy, the beautiful sounds that should have been for me alone taken away and turned to an abomination.

Dark: Wow, homophobic much?

My last sight of the woman I loved was her leaned over to kiss me, an evil grin twisting her face that was covered in the juices of the witches. When I awakened, they were gone, my Rachel with them.

I am powerless no more.

I trained my body and my mind, studying the occult to learn how to battle their magic. Now I am a weapon, perfect in physical form and unstoppable.

Dark: Able to leap my own towering ego in a single bound!

I'm stalking prey tonight -- dangerous prey. At long last, I've tracked down one of the devil's concubines that took away my Rachel. At long last, I'll be able to destroy one of those who destroyed the life I knew.

Dark: At long last, I've found a clever turn of phrase that I plan to abuse as much as possible!

Halloween. Witch season.

Dark Duck: Rabbit Season!

Dark Bunny: Duck Season!

Dark Duck: Rabbit Season!

Dark Bunny: Rabbit Season!

Dark Duck: Duck Season!


Dark Duck: You're dispicable!

I'll have my revenge tonight.

Dark: Do you have to take it out on us with this awful story too?

It's the perfect night to hunt. The witches are distracted in their black rituals, taking advantage of the evil inherent in this night. The naive roam about the town in merriment, celebrating Satan's holiday with absolutely no knowledge of the power they give him in their revelry. The witches, the dead, and the vampires walk amongst them unnoticed, just another person in a costume to those who don't know any better.

Dark: Or maybe -- just maybe -- they actually are people in costumes, and you are a complete nut-job!

In the light of the full moon, I take in the witch's lair as the time to strike draws near. The house is a two story Victorian, well-maintained and supposedly passed down for generations from mother to daughter. I could barely contain my rage upon seeing the witch passing out candy to children the night through. How I wished that I could warn the foolish parents sending their precious youth to that house of sin, knowing the evil that the witch's foul concoctions would visit upon them. To do so would have revealed my presence too soon. Though it pained me, I had to hope that God would intervene to save those children, even as I prepared to save future generations.

Dark: Beware the fun-sized Snickers bars of Lucifer!

I can feel the evil building as midnight approaches. It is in the precious hour before the Devil's bell chimes that witches are at their most vulnerable. It is then that I will strike. I glance down at my watch, only one minute remaining.

Dark: I hum the Jeopardy theme, thinking that it sounds an awful lot like "I'm a little teapot." Tip -- me over and pour... Me... Out. Dum Dum!

At long last, it's time.

Dark: Ding! That's number three, for those of you playing along at home.

I rise up from behind the concealing bushes, striding confidently across the street toward my goal. The witch will be in the ecstasy of her magic, she will never know I'm coming until it's too late.

As I step onto the porch, I feel as though I've been transported back in time. The evil permeating the wood is ancient -- hungry. I know the rusty color of the stain for what it is, the blood of innocents sacrificed to Satan in return for the witch's power.

Dark: Damn, all those magical powers and witches still have to stain their deck every year? What's the point of selling your soul to Satan?

The lock opens with only a few deft twists of my lockpicks. The door opens without a sound on well-oiled hinges.

Dark: The neighbors dial 911 when they see the creepy guy who just crawled out of their bushes breaking into the house across the street.

I can hear the chanting as soon as I open the door. Waves of evil pound against me like the relentless tides against the shore, threatening to erode my resolve into soft sand. I've done this before. I'm ready, and I'm stronger than the forces arrayed against me. I am the hunter, and my prey is near.

I feel the witch's wards brushing against me, the invisible strands of power like a thousand spiders crawling on my flesh. I want her to know I'm here. I want her to feel the fear.

Dark: This painful rhyming is really stabbing right into my ear!

Her chanting ceases as I close upon her. I can see the glow of flames dancing in the doorway. I step confidently into the unsteady glow, at last

Dark: Ding! That's four!

beholding the terrible, beautiful face of the whore who had bewitched my dear Rachel once more. My manhood twitched in anticipation as I stared at her perfect body, clad only in hellish runes drawn in blood.

"You," the blonde bitch purred, and then laughed. "Do you really think I'll be such easy prey? I will be exalted above all others when I deliver you to my evil Master." I felt her charming magic wash over me, repelled by my discipline and the charms I carried. "Come to me," she commanded in a sultry gasp, arching her back to thrust her breasts toward me.

"It is your body that Satan will claim this night, to join your soul in hell!"

Dark: Cue dramatic anti-hero theme!

Realizing her charm had failed, she scowled and hurled a potion vial at me. I stood resolute, confident in my ability and my own protective magic to sustain me.

Dark: Hey, wait a minute -- she's naked. Where was she hiding that potion? Err... On second thought, I don't want to know.

The smoke of her potion rose up around me, and I blinked slowly as it dissipated, letting the corners of my mouth curl up into a smile. "I am the hunter. I never rest. Your sleep potion is useless against me."

With a defiant cackle, she snatched up her broom and soared toward the high ceiling.

Dark: Oh pahleez! ::Laughing hysterically at the cliché:: "Snatched up her broom?" Is that a clue to where she was hiding the potion? ::Ducks::

Hovering well out of my reach, she continued to cackle as her hands worked through the gestures of her fell magic. I pulled my bola from my belt and let it fly, simultaneously binding her hands and hurling her from her magical perch at the same time. She struck the wall with a cry of surprise and pain, a sound echoed even louder as fell to the floor.

I was upon her even as the foul magic that sustained her through the centuries knitted her bones and rent flesh, the sound like the slithering of snakes mixed with cracking bone. Dropping to my knees to straddle her waist, I grasped her bound hands and thrust them over her head. Trapped beneath my muscled body and held tight in my unbreakable grip, I at last

Dark: Ding! Gimme five!

saw the fear I desired in her eyes. Holding her wrists pinned to ground with one hand, I used the other to tear open the buttons on my dark pants, freeing the only weapon that could destroy a witch.

Dark: ::Double Take:: Say what?! I shall slay her with the Phallus of Phantoozler!

"No!" The witch cried, her nipples stiffening and her cunt moistening even as she writhed in terror. As a hundred times before, she was powerless to resist me. Aiming my mighty weapon of retribution, I thrust it into her cunt with a violent shove.

Dark: Mighty weapon of retribution? ::Laugh:: Fear the Footlong Dong of Vengeance! Quiver in the presence of the Powerful Prick of Power!

"No," she squealed again, the sound turning to a moan of ecstasy as I stretched her cunt wide, my cock filling the void left within her for a year. Her body relaxed beneath me, surrendering to the pleasure overwhelming her.

Dark: Anyone else get the impression he's compensating for something here, hmm?

Her legs parted of their own accord, her body seeking the pleasure she desired -- and feared -- above all else. Grasping her thighs, I pounded my cock into her cunt, trying to ignore the look of ecstasy on her face, the bouncing of her ample breasts, and her cries of bliss.

"Oh no! Oh yes! Stop! Don't stop!" she cried out in strange dichotomy as I drove her toward the inevitable. When I felt her cunt clamp down around me and she screamed in release, I knew it was over. I jammed my cock into her one final time and spewed my seed into the witch's quivering caldron.

Dark: Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble! Cauldron quiver and semen bubble!

Knowing what was to come, I tore my cock from inside her, quickly backing away. Even so, I felt the touch of the hellfire as it burst up around her.

"No! NO!" the witch cried in despair as scaled hands with long talons of black emerged from the flames surrounding her.

I watched with grim satisfaction as the demon that would have taken her this night extracted its payment for her infidelity, thrusting its impossibly large cock into her ass and dragging her through the flames into hell. The sound of her terrified scream of pain died out with the hellfire, leaving the room bathed in the sullen light of candles and braziers once more.

Dark: I believe it's safe to say someone has a few issues here. Of course, that's like saying that Richard Simmons is a little flamboyant...

I dropped into a wary crouch when the sound of a cry from upstairs echoed through the house. As the distant location registered in my brain, I moved toward the stairs to investigate. The voice was certainly female, and that presented two possibilities. Either the witch had a captive -- or she was not alone.

Halfway up the stairs, I had my answer. Though the woman's breathing was labored, the sound of her chant was unmistakable. I increased my pace, knowing that only a few minutes remained before midnight. Once the witch's demon came to take her, she would have too much power for even me to withstand for several months. I doubted she would be so foolish as to remain in the house until I returned to destroy her.

I burst into the room and felt my heart turn to ice in my chest. There, nude and covered in the blood symbols of a witch, stood my Rachel.

Dark: Even Stevie Wonder could see that one coming from a mile away.

"Adrian -- oh Adrian,

Dark: No -- no. It's Yo, Adrian, silly person.

you've come to save me! Hold me, my love!"

My feet moved of their own volition, my muscular legs driving me toward the woman I loved.

Dark: For the lovea Pete! Does this guy have to mention what a muscle-bound hunk he is every three seconds?

At last,

Dark: Ding! That's a full half dozen!

I could hold her in my arms again. We could return to the life we'd lost. We could...

Then I saw the lust in her eyes.

Clenching my teeth in defiance, I accepted the truth. With the fog of hope now burned away by the raging inferno of gluttonous hunger in her eyes, I could feel her magic surrounding me. Turning my formidable mind to the task, I shrugged off the charming spell.

Dark: Lest we forget he's also an intellectual giant with the willpower of a god...

Her laugh pained me more than anything I've ever felt, other than the night she was taken from me. Predictably, she hurled a sleep potion next, and then leapt atop a broom when that failed.

Dark: Way to come up with a pulse-pounding non-repetitious battle scene there!

I didn't grant her the time to take to the air as I had her fellow witch downstairs. Leaping toward her with a pained, determined grimace on my face, I pinned her against the wall.

The feeling of her body against mine, so familiar and sweet, nearly broke my resolve. Summoning up my will, I pushed her hands high above her head, even as I reluctantly pulled my throbbing cock free.

Dark: It's been -- what -- five minutes? Wonder-Cock powers, activate!

Her head lashed back and forth as she struggled against me, seeing the instrument of her downfall between my legs. I took a deep breath and pressed the purple head of my cock against her perfect pussy lips -- for the final time. "If there is any part of you still there, Rachel -- forgive me."

"No!" She squealed in terror as I slipped inside her. Despite my determination to end it quickly, I couldn't help but remember as her hot pussy wrapped around me. As with the witch downstairs, Rachel's resistance vanished as her need consumed her. Her body worshiped my big cock, filling her so full.

Dark: Lest we forget he's endowed with a mighty weapon. Uncle! Mercy! Whatever it takes to tell you we get it already, King Compensation.

Her legs lifted from the floor and wrapped around me, supporting her on my thrusting cock. Once again, I heard her sweet sounds of pleasure. A bittersweet mixture of the love we'd once shared and grim satisfaction that the thing she'd become would never hunt the innocent again flooded through me as we both neared climax.

As I felt my cum boiling in my balls

Dark: Ahhhh! Don't say that! ::Legs crossed and wincing:: Probably the most horrifying thing in this story yet, though. (other than the writing)

I absently thought that I was about to fill her pussy full for the first time. We weren't ready for kids before she was taken from me, and we'd always used a condom. As she cried out in orgasm, I knew that I wasn't going to pull free from her. Even being dragged down to hell with her was better than living with the knowledge that I'd slain the woman I loved as surely as if I'd shot her with a gun, rather than a hot load of cum.

Dark: This is my rifle. This is my gun. This one's for fighting, and this one's for... Errr... Fighting!

I closed my eyes, pushed inside her one last time, and waited for the flames to consume us both as I coated her womb in my seed. A single tear rolled down my cheek as I waited for the soft, sweet sounds of her pleasure to be replaced by the roar of hellfire.

A few minutes later, I opened my eyes in surprise. Looking down, the faint moonlight revealed that Rachel was unconscious. Though she didn't respond as I pulled my cock from her, there was a smile on her face.

Dark: Yeah. ::Clicks tongue and does the gun thingy with his finger and thumb:: You are welcome. Come again anytime.

I looked around the room and realized that all the candles and braziers were dark. The blood runes on Rachel's flesh had vanished, and the symbols drawn on the floor in blood were nothing more than black scorch marks.

I pulled up my pants and glanced at my watch. Three after twelve. My every instinct, honed in years of hunting down witches and sending them to hell screamed at me to stab her, or cave in her skull. Whatever it took to remove her as a threat to the innocent.

Dark: Dude -- anger management. Think about it.

Even though I knew it was impossible, I couldn't help but hope that I'd somehow cured her of the evil that had tainted her.

Dark: Let the power of the massive, blessed penis attached to my well-muscled torso flow through you and be healed! Let me hear you say amen!

I don't even remember picking up her nude body and carrying her to my Jaguar.

Dark: Does anybody look out their windows in this town? Hello -- weird guy carrying an unconscious naked woman through the streets! There's Mr. Micro-Penis compensating with the Jag again. What a surprise.

I don't remember taking her into the house and putting her in the bed we'd once shared. All I can remember is her eyelids fluttering open -- the sweetest moan of blissful satisfaction I'd ever heard passing her lips.

She noticed the changes to the bedroom, the cobwebs and dust from years of neglect as I hunted. Her brow furrowed and she asked, "What happened?"

Dark: Well, you turned into an evil witch and I fucked you in hopes that a demon would be really pissed off about it and stick his dick in your butt to drag you down to hell.

There was only one surefire way to determine if any of a witch's taint remained in her.

Dark: Witches burn because they're made of wood! Throw her in the pond!

I feigned a sneeze.

Dark: My idea was better. Wait, do you have a duck anywhere? Ducks float just like wood, so if she weighs the same as a duck...

"God bless you."

I nearly sobbed when I heard those words. No witch could possibly utter the name of the Almighty, and thus I knew she was my Rachel once more. "I'll explain in the morning, my love," I said with a joyful smile.

The sight of my smile melted away all of her worries, and she tugged me into the bed. The feeling of her loving arms melted away mine -- for a time.

Dark: Melted away your arms? No! The horror!

Though my love is returned to me, I cannot forget what I know. Other witches remain in the world, preying on the innocent. Though I must keep it a secret, I cannot deny my calling.

I am the feared man. I am the hunter.

Dark: ::Singing in swelling, triumphant chords:: Goo goo ga joooooob!


If this story hasn't soured your stomach, then you may as well take the peanut butter kisses with you, because you have a constitution that could put professional eaters to shame.

Big thanks to the original author, who wisely chose never to publish this in public under his name, and continues to exhibit that same wisdom in remaining anonymous now *laugh*

Rest assured, I have read his published work, and he isn't even remotely the homophobic psycho you might imagine upon reading this twisted tale of ribaldry. He's a good sport ( especially about those compensation jokes! ) and a fine author.

Now, won't you please take a moment and deposit a token in my booth with your vote and/or comment? If you don't, I'm going to start stripping to really bad 70's porn soundtracks and poorly imitating dance moves from Saturday Night Fever.

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