Maximum Badonkadonk Ch. 15

"Oh you; are we still fucking with each other?" I found Curtis and some of his friends standing outside my fence. It looked like he'd returned with reinforcements.

There was no way I could get away if they wanted to mob me.

"Well uh, no man; we talked it over and uh, I was wrong, okay?"

"Water under the bridge." Honestly I didn't give a damn if it went one way or the other.

"So uh, we're cool right?"

"Whatever." I replied not even regarding this group of teens making sure to keep my eye on the kid with the basketball. The idea of him launching it at my head while I sat was a distinct possibility.

"Look I apologized." Curtis offered.

"And?" All of them exchanged glances, before their appointed mouthpiece spoke up.

"Uhm, we all just wanna know how you, uh do it?"

"Do what?"

"Pull all those fine honeys?" This made me laugh into my beer can and face palm before glancing at them finding earnestly clueless expressions on all of their faces.

"I never pulled anybody."

"Come on brother; you're the man around here, pimp credentials and everything. We saw you with those two badass honeys a minute ago. Remember, that one Sunday you had the limo out front? The redbone, with those leggings on and all that ass, her fine ass friend too?"

"Yeah I thought that bitch was Gabrielle Union for a minute; but it wasn't cause she was smiling." Another guy added.

I chortled laughing at the memory of my night on the town. Charity Gilbert decided it was her coming out party that night after surviving a baptism. Phoebe was along for the ride which ended in a night I'd remember on my deathbed.

"Word around the neighborhood is that you got females running in and out of your crib daily."

"Oh is that right Curtis?"

"Yeah, can you put us up on game, or not?" I leaned forward in my chair regarding all of their faces. These kids were serious.

"Well, I never pulled any of those women; they opened the door for me. It's a door that most guys know about but never find the key. Do you really want to know how I did it, bruh?"

"YEAH!!" All of them responded in unison.

"Alright, I'll tell you guys but it ain't easy, damn near impossible."

"Okay."

"Get a female to include you in their circle; now that's tricky because of their nature. You've got to understand most women are all about emotion, validation all the time. So, they compete with one another, simultaneously build, and tear one another down. It's crazy because they support each other no matter what even when they hate each other. For you my friends, it's like sitting in the eye of a tornado if you do it just right. You're the calm at the center of the storm and they will gravitate towards you."

I didn't look at them nursing my can staring off into space thinking of the girl who'd come to my bedroom window on more than one occasion at this very hour as the clock tolled midnight.

"MAN THAT'S SOME OLD BULLSHIT!!" It wasn't Curtis, but one of the other guys loitering there at my backyard fence. A cacophony of youthful chatter, peer commentary and jeers followed, but I was elsewhere mentally.

It suddenly became quiet as I was illuminated by the high beams of a car pulling up to the curb. All of the teens were staring, but I didn't need to look as she turned off the lights leaving the engine running. I heard the driver's side door slam followed by heeled footfalls.

The first thing I saw was her symmetrical face.

Looking at me impassively, unreadable, and infinitely dangerous.

Nude except for a pair of heels on her feet.

"OMFG WHAT THE FUCK?!!"

"OH SHEET MAN, WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!!"

"DAMN!!"

She was standing there looking cut from the finest marble, a work of art given life. A Venus de Milo with hyper zaftig proportions. Her breasts looked larger than I remembered, hips wider over model length legs.

This woman had come dressed as her alter ego; cat-like eyes hidden behind signature glasses famous amongst her online fans. Everything was on display from the top of her head to her heeled feet, even her muff was shaved bare. Multiple flashes of light reflected off her flawless skin set off by numerous camera phones.

She was glaring at me with this glint in her eyes, arms folded behind her back standing at parade rest.

"MY NIGGA, YOU THE MAN!!" Curtis and company were fit to be tied getting an unexpected thrill from the nude woman standing beside them on the sidewalk. It suddenly sounded like the corridor of a high school intermingled with the locker room crassness, boorish talk of the young and untouched. Renee craned her head looking Curtis in the face.

She raised a hand in the air brandishing a Beretta M9.

Several shots were fired scattering the group to the four winds except for Curtis who froze in place. He peed himself seemingly glued to the spot as Renee leveled the weapon at his face.

A single shot near his feet unglued the teen who cut out like his life depended on it. He left a puddle in his wake as she leaned on my fence resting her elbows on top, silent. I downed my can without looking at her.

"You gonna shoot me Renee?"

When she didn't answer, I glanced over finding the weapon dangling from her finger, offered.

"You asked for me, so here I am; didn't you say, "Bring me the one I want?"

"Say it, tell me."

"I am Ms. One." She responded correctly as I got up walking to the fence relieving her of the weapon clicking the safety. We exchanged glances for a few moments.

Ms. One was unflinching, eyes burning a hole in my own deadened pupils.

I walked to the gate letting myself out to join her on the sidewalk.

Ms. One allowed me to take her hand leading her over to the backseat of her own car. She got inside without a word while I got behind the wheel. In the distance, there were police sirens. It seemed one of the teens or a neighbor made the call. I wasted no time pulling off hitting a shaky right onto an adjacent block. I tooled up the street making an awkward U-turn knowing where we were going for the past two weeks and some change.

"What about Mr. Van Allen?"

"What about him?" Ms. One replied with barely any emotion as I drove towards the freeway entrance.

I'd ended up charged with furthering my own driver's education some years ago, when both of my parents cited a reluctance to put me on their car insurance. I glanced in the rear view mirror finding her just sitting there unbothered.

"I know." I tried not to sound accusatory.

"So what, I don't care what you know and Richard was getting way too sloppy for my tastes. He'd give me the world and the moon, but not legitimacy because of appearances. Not that I wanted anything other than his considerable resources, but the price became too much. Motherfucker didn't wanna stick to plan anymore, mind you it was his idea in the first place."

"Are you his daughter?"

"Are you crazy, I'm black; solely classified racially speaking. Some kind of weird, tragic octoroon; a fucking mulata. You can't tell a black woman when you see one, huh?"

"Maybe I just wanted to hear you say it."

"No, you were asking and I'm telling you. Tonight you can know anything you want about me, but I have a question I want to ask you right now."

"What?"

"Did you tell Jaquan about Daisy?"

"Uh no, your daughter made herself quite clear that I would be outmatched by the combined intellect of your collective hubris. Gotta be honest, she weirded me out when she started talking like a grown woman. It's hard to believe she's a toddler."

"Then you understand that I want her to have the best chance at a normal life. Can you imagine what would happen if people knew? In our ethnic community no less? She'd be treated like a freak, and then you'd have to factor in the existential hate because of her skin tone. It's Daisy's decision ultimately, and I understand it."

"Bullshit, are you ever gonna tell my cousin that his kid is a fucking genius?"

"Two years ago Daisy started reading, everything; even the encyclopedias I had around my apartment at the time. I was so happy, but Jaquan was busy lining up his next baby mamma. He was barely listening to me at the time even though we were living together. That was around the time I came home and found a thot in my living room. I'm sure you remember that bitch running through the screen door trying to get away from me, right?"

"People in the family are still talking about that shit today."

"Jaquan was laying on the kitchen floor with a big dumpling sized lump on his head. I almost finished him off with that skillet, but then I remembered."

"Remembered?"

"Who I was, and how we came to be together; he was just supposed to be my first. You see, I went to a magnet school for my first two years of high school, over achieved big time. I mean, the curriculum was literal child's play to me and I became an academic superstar. People were always tripping balls over my appearance, looking at my face like it was going out of style, staring at my big ass like fucking pervs. I came to hate the constant invasion of my privacy, the never ending stares and hatred from the other girls. But it got me places my mind wouldn't take me."

"No shit?" I was driving down the freeway at a steady clip.

"Academic triathlon, chess tournaments, state championships won almost on a whim as far as I was concerned. I have a bunch of trophies in my closet at home. Those dog and pony shows lead me to the Van Allens. Both of them took a liking to me and I was allowed into their circle as an oddity. Somewhere along the line my ethnicity got lost in the mix, but that was the least of my worries."

"Mr. Van Allen." I added.

"His pathetic attempts at grooming me were laughable, but he sure knew how to lead with his wallet. I had a black card when I was seventeen and I wasn't even doing anything yet. It was fun watching him so hot and bothered knowing he would go to jail if he crossed the line. For your information, I never said one way or the other whether I would give him a case if he tried, but he was diligently waiting for me to hit eighteen. I already knew he wasn't going to be my first."

"My cousin, right?"

"Could've been anybody but I met Jaquan at a mixer partially funded by the one percenters and local government. I met the motherfucking mayor that night and the nigga that knocked me up. Jaquan was all up in my business from the moment we met and I enjoyed watching Robert fretting almost in tears. I milked the fuck out of that shit."

"Have you always been incredibly cruel?"

"Cruel is a bit harsh, subjective even when you consider that some fuck old enough to be my grandfather was feigning like a crackhead over the panties. As you know, I ended up giving my cherry to your trifling cousin on my prom night no less. Jaquan was just as happy fucking me like there was no tomorrow. Robert, was uh, like the after show of that shit. Between the both of them that first month, I could barely walk."

"Jaquan never suspected?"

"You know our history; his ego wouldn't let him consider the fact that some old white man was hitting too. To be honest, I never would've done that shit if I hadn't found out about his side chick at the time. That first night we did it, I got up at three to use the bathroom; found his phone flashing with some bitch's number. When I saw what she looked like, I was so offended. I put that nigga in time out and he didn't even know why; then I fucked the living shit out of Robert."

"Congratulations, you're a thot."

"You should be happy then; I'm just your type." I glanced in the rear view mirror finding her smiling at me.

"What's up with Yoli?"

"Already told you about that; Robert's wife was starting to cramp our style, well his anyway. She was getting too close so he made up some bullshit about having me look out for her to explain away our frequent get-togethers. If she was doing her job none of this would've happened, but they wanted to get rid of her. So I was the garbage man."

"You always fuck your garbage?"

"I could ask you the same thing; did you really think you'd drive me crazy by posing my little girl with a fucking DNA kit?"

"You're here Renee, aren't you? Besides I thought you needed a little incentive to get away from your real boyfriend."

"He thought he was smart leaving me with no clothing in his little cubby hole; but I put him to sleep, had enough time to take a shower and even retrieve my car."

"With no clothes?"

"Those security goofs in the lobby loved the visual, helped me get my car out of the garage too." Renee tossed a security jacket onto the passenger seat next to me as I approached the off ramp.

"Classic."

"I had my disguise in the trunk luckily enough so I didn't want to disappoint you. Now that you have me, what're you gonna do with me?"

"So, you wanted to get away from Mr. Van Allen, huh?" I ignored her taunt.

"He's well, kind of controlling."

"You never believed in me; just wanted another pawn in the game you were playing with this old fucker who used me too."

"Look at what you've done after the fact, got yourself a nice little website side hustle, and a pretty good day job too. Just think of all the women you can pull now that I've fixed you."

"Like your cousin?"

"Hope you enjoyed that shit because you'll never have Carlie again nigga."

"Oh yeah, did you kill her?"

"She's family but she went outside the lines, so now that bitch is gonna have to walk it back. Are you proud of messing up her education and that business I was gonna give her?"

"I think you should ask yourself that bitch; I am gonna miss that tight little bubble butt of hers. I loved how tight her pussy was and she could suck a golf ball through five miles of garden hose too."

"Trying to make me jealous?"

"Are you?"

"Sometimes I miss the old you; remember those times when you were almost scared to be with me? I fucked you that first time on a lark because I wanted to see what Jaquan would do when I took it to the next level. Then you were cute catching feelings before you even realized it, so I took you in like, a pet. After you betrayed me, I decided to make a social experiment out of you. My own personal fair lady, gender swapped of course."

"I was kind of hoping you'd call me your Frankenstein monster."

"I know a cry for help when I see one."

"Yeah me too, especially when you were bent over on Jaquan's steps taking those back shots like a champ. I didn't know if you wanted to kiss or kill me, but your pussy was so wet and squishy. It was crazy how you didn't care about being caught with your panties down, just wanted Rashida out so that I could finish plowing you. Hey bitch, were you thinking about Jaquan or Adil when I was clapping those pale cheeks?"

"You don't measure up." I laughed at the crass insult.

"Why'd you come back after I was gone; you said you didn't care but somehow I found myself under you again for a night. Come on, tell me if it was a pissing contest with someone who matched up with you looks wise and physically; or jealousy?" I heard some sort of muted response from Ms. One.

"She was never my equal."

"She was your superior; I think that's what you meant to say."

"Don't put words in my mouth; especially about an illiterate female who didn't know when to stay in her lane. Didn't know she was punching up at the sky the minute we met; fucking running her mouth when she should've been silent in my shadow. That female was benefitting from all my hard work and laughing in my fucking face. She actually had the nerve to challenge me to a fight; I should've obliged her."

"My girlfriend would've demolished you."

"Oh there you go again calling her your girlfriend when the truth of the matter is that she was nothing more than a piece of ass. In the time since we've met, I've been more of a girlfriend to you than anyone else."

"But my mom doesn't like you; she liked Vicky and even saw us having kids together. She didn't care that Vicky slept over either, you know? I was dead ass sleep when my mom found us cuddled in my bed like a married couple. Vicky really put it on me, so I was out like a light; but she was awake when my mother opened the door and found us both naked. Hey, they talked and mom let her stay with me. Yeah, Vicky even made me breakfast wearing nothing but a apron that morning. I didn't finish it right away because I had to tap that."

"So what."

"It was so good because there was emotion behind it; real emotions Renee, eh excuse me, Ms. One. You see, I wasn't some sort of mark to her, not a social experiment and definitely not a fucking pet, right?"

"If it weren't for me, you wouldn't be who you are today." I heard a faint sniffle.

"I cried that day; that time you came to retrieve your laptop with Jaquan and Daisy. Smart move bringing your daughter along because my mom probably would've told you to go fuck yourself otherwise. Yeah, I cried miss."

"You cried for me?" More faint sniffles.

"Fuck no, I cried for my cousin because he let you come between us even though that nigga knew you didn't give a shit about him."

I could hear huffs of air coming from the backseat but didn't look in the rearview mirror as we sped down the street towards a viaduct.

"Yeah you fucked me and got me laid with Yoli and Rashida; but Vicky was pretty much organic. I met her at my church believe it or not. By the way, I fucked her cousin too. Yeah Tressie thought we'd be good together and she was right. Oh and I know your ego, but I gotta tell you because you're my cousin's baby momma; you really don't want none of her, seriously bitch. Tressie got that same energy you got of unpredictability Ms. One, but she ain't no poser. I can vouch for that shit, so if I was you, I'd uh, keep my head on a swivel from now on baby."

"I fear no one." Her voice was breathy, somewhat labored.

"I know baby, that's why I never outed you for that shady shit you pulled on Vicky. In spite of yourself, I'm responsible enough to know Daisy needs you alive. Besides, I don't think I could find a way to square that shit with Jaquan when they pulled a Jimmy Hoffa on your dumb ass."

"You're calling me dumb?"

"Stupid, yeah that's a better word for an exquisitely beautiful woman with an IQ of 147 and men lining up to fill her pockets like it's going out of style; but you wanna be a hoe. Scratching my head about that shit right there lite-brite; oh, that's what Vicky used to call you among a few other choice names all directed at your complexion. Real fucking head scratcher because both of you were light skinned, huh? Although she's my funky redbone thot, not you."

"Now you're making fun of the way I look?" More sniffling and labored huffs along with a cough or two.

"Look ma'am, I don't want to be accused of negging, but you've gotta explain why you wanna be a motherfucking thot. You're so beautiful, I was shaking when you decided to play with me, as you put it. You're out here for the streets pretending on the rich side of town, fucking passing Renee! I can't believe I'm saying that shit in this day and age; make it make sense? Are you sure about that IQ thing, or did you just fuck the guy giving the test?"

I hit a sharp right speeding past the dilapidated row houses.

"Is that what you want your daughter to learn from you? Do you think that shit will make her happy one day; acting like you? ANSWER ME!!" My ire bubbled to the top making her burst into tears, crying hard. I wish I could say I didn't have any fucks left to give, but that would've been a lie.

"You hate me."

"I never hated you until you did that shit to Vicky."

I was speeding across the huge abandoned parking lot. The loud sound of gravel and debris being crunched underfoot was deafening, but she remained mostly silent. I could hear her breathing and these intermittent wet sounding huffs as we began the final turn ascending up to a place I held special in retrospect. I could still hear Renee whimpering in the back seat as I faced her car towards the city skyline in the darkness.