Miss and Dick Ch. 01

Chapter 1

Naked Male seeks Clothed Female.

That was my entire online classified post. I was in the thick of an especially long dry-spell and I was starting to feel desperate. I'd never posted anything like that before, and honestly I wasn't sure if I could actually follow through with any responses I got. Turns out I was fretting for nothing, as I didn't get any replies right away anyway. After a couple of weeks I'd forgotten about it all together. Until more than six months later.

It was a Saturday morning, and I was scanning my email's junk folder -- a weekly habit I'd cultivated. Most of the emails were for penis enlargers, boner pills, or Russian brides, but there was one with the subject re: Naked Male seeks Clothed Female which stood out from the rest. There was no sender listed, having been anonymized through the classified's service, but it was sent just this past Monday.

It read: Find me in the coffee shop on the corner of 4th and Maple, Saturday 10am. Don't wear underwear, and don't be late.

My heart raced and it felt like my saliva turned to chalk. Could I actually do this? Go to meet a strange woman? I was desperate when I wrote the post, and things hadn't improved for me any since then. And she requested a public place. I glanced at the clock -- 9:25. My thoughts instantly shifted from "could I do this?" to "could I do this in time?"

The coffee shop was about 20 blocks away -- I could make it if I jogged. Fortunately it was a nice cool autumn day. I grabbed my wallet, my keys and my jacket, and dashed out the door. I locked it, and started to run down the hall. "Fuck." Before I even let go of the doorknob I remembered her stipulation. I hastened to unlock the door again, leaving the key in the lock, and frantically unbuckled my belt and pants. I pulled them half-way down my legs before they got caught on my shoes, nearly causing me to fall over as I hopped on one foot. I managed to wrest the shoes off, stripped off the pants then flung the underwear onto the couch before pulling the pants back up and replacing the shoes.

I glanced at the clock -- 9:34. "Fuck!" I locked the door and practically sprinted out of my building. Half sprinting, half fast-walking to catch my breath, I made my way straight to the coffee shop. I looked at my phone -- 9:58. "Made it." I paused outside the door to catch my breath, panting heavily from my atypical exertion, hunched over with my hands on my knees.

It was 10:00 on the dot when I walked through the door, finally composed. I looked around the room and realized I had no idea who I was looking for. Nobody looked up at my arrival, and there were no obvious signs showing who I was supposed to meet. "Well, her email said 'find me,'" I said to myself. There were five customers seated at various tables, and two baristas behind the counter. Two of the customers were men, so I could discount them -- if one of them sent the message, I wasn't interested anyway.

I thought I'd start with the ladies behind the counter. The main barista was a (very) young girl, maybe 18 if she was a day. Half shaved head, dyed purple on the other side. Black lipstick and a pierced lip. "Hey, I'm supposed to meet somebody here, 'round about now. Do you know anything about that?"

"Sorry, sir." She looked at her co-worker, who also shook her head. "Neither of us. Can I get you a coffee?"

"Yeah, sure." I was slightly relieved that neither of them were my contact. I'd just turned 33 earlier that year and I didn't think getting naked for an 18 year-old would be as fun in practice as it sounds. Especially when I weighed a good 40lbs heavier than where I wanted to be. "Just give me a regular coffee. Black."

I paid, then resumed looking at the other patrons while my coffee was poured. Of the three women remaining, one looked about my age, one looked about 20 years older than me, and one looked nearly 100, sitting on her walker. Of those three, I really hoped it was the one my age. She had long blonde hair, neatly sun-streaked, and a dark complexion, with brown eyes. I sat down at the table with her, and said "Hi."

She looked up from her phone, at me in disgust. Without saying a word, she picked up her coffee, stood up and walked out the door.

Sigh. See what I mean about a dry spell? Well, one down, two to go.

My coffee was ready, so I picked it up from the counter and resumed my search. I had zero interest in the centenarian, so that left only one more person to check.

I walked up to the woman only slightly older. She wasn't large, but I could tell she hadn't set foot in a gym for a few years. Her hair was peppered with silver streaks, and she wore thick blue rimmed glasses. She was reading a paperback novel. It looked like one of those harlequin romances. I gestured to the chair beside her. "May I sit down?"

She didn't stop reading, and didn't even glance in my direction. "No, you may not."

Strike two. Well, maybe I will try my luck with the centenarian after all. I turned to leave before blue glasses continued. "At least not until I know your name, and how well you can follow instructions."

Then again! I opened my mouth to introduce myself, when she interjected before I could get a word out. "No, no, don't tell me. Let me guess... You're 'Dick.'" It was more a statement than a question.

"Uh, no it's -- "

"Yes, I think 'Dick' is a perfectly appropriate name for a naked male, don't you agree 'Dick'?" She turned the page of her book, and continued reading.

I swallowed hard, my mouth again turning dry. "Yes." She paused as if expecting me to say something else. "Miss..." I added.

"Yes, I like that." I could see her smile to herself. "Now, let's see how well you follow instructions, Dick, shall we? Excuse yourself to the bathroom. Remove all your clothes and take a picture of your namesake for me. Then you may redress, come back here and sit down to show it to me. Sound good?"

"Yes, Miss. That sounds good."

"Good. And remember, you'll want to show him at his best! Standing tall and proud! Oh, and Dick? Don't zip up after redressing. Now don't keep me waiting!" She turned another page.

I could feel my prick thickening already as I made my way to the bathroom. Fortunately it was a single occupancy bathroom, so I didn't have to worry about being walked in on. I locked the door and unzipped my jeans, pulling them down to my knees. Once my dick was exposed to the air, I only had to give it a couple quick strokes before it was fully hard. I continued to stroke it another half dozen times, relishing the simple pleasure. I had to refrain myself from jacking off any further. I wanted to, but I had enough forethought to want to avoid soiling myself, and more importantly I didn't want to keep her waiting -- 'her'... I didn't even know her name. Nor she mine, for that matter.

I stepped out of my pants, and hung them on the hook on the back of the door. Then I hung my jacket and shirt up too.

I pulled my phone out of my pants and contemplated the perfect angle for taking a picture. Aim it down towards the floor? Hold it out like a selfie, only lower? In the end, I opted to use the mirror, wishing I could have kept my shirt on to hide my gut. I also kept my head out of the shot.

I carefully replaced the phone in my pants pocket, before putting all my clothes back on. Not zipping up was going to be dangerous. I could tuck my dick back into my pants, and under normal circumstances it would stay hidden as long as I didn't take too long of a stride or anything. But with a hard-on pushing against the open fly I would have to walk very carefully. As an added precaution, I twisted my jeans a little bit more to the left, so at least my dick wasn't straight on with the exit hole.

I exited the bathroom and looked to where she was seated. My heart fell when I saw the table empty, but seconds later I saw her again, moved to another table. This one a little more private and booth-like.

She was still focused on her book, and didn't look up, but she must have heard the bathroom door open because she waved her arm in the air and called out loud enough for everyone to hear, "Dick! Over here! Come show me that picture you were telling me about!"

My face went beet red, and all ten eyes turned in my direction. I took a breath and reminded myself that her words were innocent enough on their own. Just walk slowly and keep your dick out of sight.

I sat beside her on her right side, and fished my phone out of my pockets. She finally put a bookmark in her book, and gently closed it, still never looking in my direction. She quickly grabbed my phone out of my hand with her left hand, and quietly thrust her right hand under the table and into my pants through the open zipper. Using only her finger tips she walked her hand down from my purple dick head down the shaft, through my thick bush on to my balls, where they rested lightly tickling them.

"What's your passcode?"

I reached over to take the phone back from her, but she moved her hand further out of my reach. "Pass it over, I'll unlock it."

"No, I asked you a question. For this to work, you must have nothing private I can't see, Dick."

I still hesitated.

"Ok. Goodbye Dick." She quickly withdrew her hand from my pants and started to get up from the booth.

"Wait, please." I told her the passcode and watched as she unlocked my phone.

"Good boy. That hesitation will cost you though. Take your namesake out of your pants."

I looked quickly around the room, hoping nobody heard her request -- no, her instruction. She gave a low sigh. "Nobody will see you under the table, Dick. As far as you're concerned, it's just me and you here. And I never ask twice."

As she stared intently at my phone, I realized two things: She was being very serious; and I wanted more. I reached my hand under the table, feeling around for the opening to my jeans. I reached in and pulled my dick and balls out of the fly. I could feel the cooler air of the shop on them. She moved her right arm back under the table and ran her index finger teasingly around my penis while simultaneously thumbing through my phone with her left.

"Awwn... you didn't include your face. And I was so hoping to know how handsome you are."

I wanted to watch what she was doing, but her index finger started to circle around the tip of my dick hole, teasing out some precum, causing me to close my eyes in pleasure. After a few minutes of that she spoke softly -- barely loud enough for me to hear, "tell me when you're close." She started picking up the pace, and within seconds I could feel the cum start to build up in my balls. "I'm almost there," I grunted through gritted teeth.

"Good." She instantly let go, and brought her hands above the table. She set my phone down in front of me, closed to the lock screen and got up from the table. "My place. 4pm today. And don't cum until you get there!" And before I could think, she was gone. I wanted to get up from the booth and chase her down. Where was her place?? But I wouldn't be standing up for a few minutes more at least.

I looked down at my phone and saw my own naked selfie staring back at me. I fumbled to quickly flip it back down before anybody else saw it. "She changed my lock screen? What else did she change?"