My Journal, My Punishment

Things have been hard for me the past few weeks. I've been conflicted I guess about my assignments and I've been falling behind. I've been having a hard time understanding my own feelings about the things that I am doing for class. The relaxation videos that I've been watching still help a lot but I find myself feeling insecure and depressed sometimes. I can't help feeling embarrassed being naked in front of Chad and when I think about dancing naked in front of my webcam. I guess that is no excuse for falling behind on my journal entries.

I don't know why I am so embarrassed when Chad comes over. He really is a nice guy, and he hasn't done anything to take advantage of me. I just can't help feeling awkward being naked in front of him, crawling around on my hands and knees in front of him. The funny thing is, I know that I can quit doing that whenever I want. I could just tell our professor that I don't want to stay on my hands and knees anymore and that I want to wear clothes when Chad comes over to my apartment. I could even tell him that I don't want to dance anymore in front of the webcam, though I really need to get more tokens so that I can catch up on my work. Maintaining my grade point average is pretty important to me.

I think the main reason why I have been falling behind with my journal is that I keep getting this odd feeling of shame and embarrassment and it hits me mostly when I try to write in my journal for my class. I don't fully understand why. I actually feel wonderful when I am dancing, though I do get sore and very worn down if I dance too long. I don't even mind that Chad has started making me wear a collar and putting me on a leash when he comes over. I feel so sexy and beautiful when I am dancing and I love the way it feels when Chad smiles down at me while he is walking me through my apartment while I am crawling on my hands and knees. When I try to write about all of that I just feel like I am losing control of myself and feel terribly humiliated by everything.

The relaxation videos definitely help make those feelings of shame and humiliation fade away, and I am happy about that. I really get kind of this warm feeling when I watch the videos and my mind just fades into a kind of tranquil bliss. Lately I can't even focus mentally if I haven't watched one of the relaxation videos, and I definitely can't do any dancing. I just feel too self conscious knowing that people are watching me. Even their comments seem different. I know that they are complimenting me when they talk about being anxious for me to start whoring myself, but sometimes I feel uneasy about that.

I'm kind of conflicted about that too. Chad mentioned something about that a few days ago. He asked me how I felt about becoming a prostitute. I told him that I really didn't know. I mean it is degrading I suppose, but recently it seems like it is an important service that a woman can provide for a man. I should feel flattered that men would be willing to pay to have sex with me. There are things about it that I'm not completely comfortable with. Things like not deciding whether or not I would have sex with someone, or even who I would have sex with, but then I think maybe I am just being selfish thinking that way. Then there are things that I've never done that guess say they want to do when they make comments while I am dancing. There are a lot of guys who say they want to have anal sex with me. I've never done anything like that and I've heard that it hurts a lot. One guy even said that he wanted to cum on my face. I don't know why a guy would want to do that. I guess it won't matter. If I end up becoming a prostitute I won't really have much to say about that. Chad says not to worry too much about it. Our professor says I still have a long way to go before I am ready to be turned into a whore. Its moments like that when I feel that weird conflict inside my mind like two battling emotions. I feel ashamed that I'm becoming a whore, and yet disappointed that our professor doesn't think I am ready for it. I just don't understand my feeling about that.

Chad's visits are also something that I am conflicted about, especially recently. We mostly play around and sometimes he just relaxes. Everything seems so wonderful when he is around. I love it when he pets me and even when he plays fetch with me. It feels awkward sometimes when he talks about things. The other day he was sitting on my couch resting his feet on my back as I was on all fours in front of him. The feeling of his heals digging into my back was a bit uncomfortable at first but I actually grew to enjoy the sensation somehow, but what really made me feel a little uncomfortable was when he told me that he never imagined someone like me doing the things I was doing. I still don't quite understand what he meant but it made me feel bad at the time.

The relaxation videos are the only thing that has helped me with my feelings of embarrassment and shame, though I must say I'm not exactly enjoying Chad's punishments. Our professor made note of the fact that I have not been making journal entries lately. I told him about my feelings and he told me that he understood. He assured me that it was natural to feel embarrassed and even a little ashamed. He even told me that he didn't want me to lose that feeling. Our professor told me that what was most important was not losing my feelings of shame and embarrassment, but pushing myself past them while never letting go of them. He asked me if it was alright if he assigned Chad to help me with that. Chad has helped me with a lot so far, and even though I'm still not completely comfortable being naked in front of him, I have to admit I feel enjoy his visits, so I agreed.

I was a little nervous about Chads next visit after that because I didn't know what exactly was going to happen. I knew that this was supposed to help me in a way that the relaxation videos couldn't and our professor warned me that this wouldn't be as pleasant as the videos which really made me worry. When Chad finally did come over he asked me how I felt about not completing my journal entries as I had been assigned. He seemed strangely uneasy as he asked me. I told him I felt bad about it. I confessed my feelings of shame and embarrassment. He told me that he understood and even appreciated my telling him about me feelings. He even told me that he wanted me to be more open with him concerning those feelings. Then he asked me the question that brought shockwaves through me. He asked me if I deserved to be punished. I was terrified as I answered him. I said, yes.

Chad walked me by my leash into my bedroom as I followed him on all fours. He told me to climb up onto my bed. I remember thinking that this was the first time I've been in my bed in weeks. I was amazed at how soft it felt. It felt amazing to be in my bed after weeks of sleeping on the rug next to my bed. That amazing feeling soon disappeared as Chad took my wrists and tied them behind my back. I didn't even realize that he had rope with him, but I guess he knew to be prepared. I have to say, Chad has this amazing knack for being kind and sensitive even when he is going to do something to me that is going to hurt me a lot. As he removed his belt from his pants I wasn't sure what was going to happen. If he had planned to force me into sex, there wouldn't have been anything at that point I could have don't to stop him. At that moment, I'm not sure I would have wanted to. While Chad is far from being the kind of guy that I would have normally dated, I have become very fond of Chad. Instead he just told me that he could never have imagined before all of this, that he would be doing anything like this with me.

I have to admit, I had a lot of conflicting emotions as I lay there on my bed, face down with my hands tied behind my back. Chad told me that before all of this he couldn't even imagine going on a date with a girl like me let alone walking me on a leash while I was naked, and now this, tying me up in my bed. I can't blame Chad, I wouldn't have been with a guy like him either. Don't get me wrong. I could easily see myself being friends with Chad, but the guys I date are generally very athletic. It seems natural since I'm somewhat athletic. Some people would disagree that cheerleading and dance is a sport, but it is very physically demanding and both fall within the athletic departments of most schools so I suppose that would qualify me as a type of athlete. Chad didn't fall into that category. He was brainy. Definitely a guy that would be good to know if you needed help with homework, funny since that is exactly what he was doing, but not someone that I would normally consider having sex with.

This little conversation was all too short and I instantly came to understand what was going to happen as I heard Chads belt as it whirled through the air before smacking hard against my unprotected ass. I instinctively let out a scream as the belt struck my ass. Chad told me to keep that under control, suddenly serious. Chad told me to count each one. Each swing of the belt brought not just tears, but waves of intense emotion as he struck my ass hard with his belt. I counted to ten and was relieved when he told me to roll over. I immediately did as he said thinking that my punishment was over. I was once again terrified as he told me, "Again, count" Suddenly I felt a wave of pain shoot though every inch of my body as his belt struck me across my breasts. I fought to keep my breathing under control as I counted each blow of the belt. Finally as I reached ten he stopped.

I was crying uncontrollably as he sat down on the bed and pulled me into his arms. No one had ever done anything like this to me before. My body stung where he had whipped me with his belt and I was horrified and I started to see black and blue welts developing on my breasts, knowing that I had them on my ass as well. I so many things as I lay in Chads arms. I hated him and loved him at the same time. I felt shame on a level I couldn't imagine. And I felt like a side of me was disappearing into the pain and the emotion. I was slipping into a strange dream like state as he held me and I felt an odd comfort as he stroked my hair and told me I was a good girl. Suddenly the shame was mixed with an unexplainable sense of pride.

Chad must have held me like that for hours and I felt like I never wanted him to let me go. It was a strange thing to feel so much comfort in Chad's arms. Not long ago, he was whipping me with his belt and now all I wanted in the world was for him to hold me. Despite the pain, I would have done anything for him to keep holding me like that. I'd gladly be his pet. I would whore myself for him if he wanted me to. I would even be his slave. I was amazed at the things I was willing to be and do for him and was shocked at myself for all just how deeply I was willing to shame myself for this person who had brought so much pain to my body.

I was sad when he suddenly let go of me, directing me to get back on my hands and knees after untying my wrists. He walked me back into the living room of my apartment and asked, "Can I expect you to keep up with your journals?" I told him yes. Chad smiled at me and told me, "Good girl."

I was sad as I watched him leave, and as I curled up and fell asleep in front of my couch, I dreamed of being in his arms again. I dreamed of being his pet.