My Journey Ch. 03 - Katherine

A/N- Please enjoy this story of life, discovery and love. This is a multi-chapter story. I am humbled by the comments you have shared and the feedback I have received. It is important to me as I continue writing.

I received several comments and questions regarding the proposal. Yes, you are correct. In the 1980's same sex marriages didn't exist. My point of the proposal was to solidify the commitment and love between Katherine and Mary Beth. No rings were exchanged, just love and commitment.

It could be an autobiography as a few have pointed out. I would rather we keep that close to the vest. I hope you understand.

Another point of clarity is the use of Katherine, Kathie, Kath as well as Mary Beth and MB. The use of Kath and MB are meant for intimacy. I apologize for the lack of continuity. I will try better in the future. KAD

February 1986 - Katherine

I finished my change of shift report which is really just an update and conversation with the afternoon shift nurse on our patients when I saw the unit nurse manager, Major Johnson-Hall at the nurse's station. When we finished she walked over to me and asked for a moment of my time in her office. I immediately panicked and of course accepted her invitation following her to her office. She closed the door, sat behind her desk and offered me a chair.

As I was taking a seat, I noticed my personnel file open and on her desk. "Lieutenant Dougherty, Katherine, I appreciate that you would stay a few moments after finishing your day shift but can we speak candidly?"

"Of course ma'am, I welcome your mentorship."

"Katherine, let's discuss your career and your next assignment." I immediately panicked.

"Ma'am, my most recent OER (Officer Evaluation Report), and Press Ganey survey scores as well as patient feedback surveys indicate that ..."

Maj Johnson-Hall just looked at me.

"Forgive me ma'am. I didn't mean to interrupt or challenge you. I hope you understand I just want to succeed." I said as respectfully as possible.

I knew I shouldn't be defensive, it wasn't professional. She did invite me in and I certainly should not have interrupted her. That is a big "no no" in the Army let alone your superior in the Army.

"Katherine, this isn't a negative conversation. You are doing a wonderful job and frankly you aren't being challenged in your clinical nursing skills."

She looked down at my personnel file, "I see it, the Charge RN's feedback reports show this, and your peers see it. And from what I have heard from Cpt. Meyers at the Company HQ's, you spend time there learning more about Common Task Skills, field medicine and teaching our medics when off duty."

She sat up straighter and with a slightly firmer voice she said, "You have led and presented at several professional development sessions on various topics, you have volunteered to facilitate mandatory annual training, the list continues and it is impressive, not in a negative way. You are clinically and academically months ahead of your peers." She paused.

"I have consulted with Maj Spells, your previous nurse manager, Maj Peterson the nurse manager in the ICU, and Col Krajnek, Chief Nurse of the hospital. We have all decided that you are to attend the ICU Nurses Course which starts on Monday, May 5th at Walter Reed Army Hospital in Washington DC."

I was in shock! I physically gasped.

She continued, "The course is sixteen weeks long and is scheduled to end August 22nd." She looked at me with a smile on her face and said, "That is if you want to attend the course." Her smile widened.

"Ma'am! I am humbled."

"Now, Katherine, let's get serious and allow me to be personal for a moment." She paused looking at my personnel file.

"You have been on station since October '84 and have only taken a few days of leave since arrival. Two days last year for your brother's wedding and two days last month." She paused, scratching some notes on a pad.

"You will need to take some days off. You are going to burn out. You will fall into the use or lose leave status. You are not permitted to carry that much leave forward into the next fiscal year."

"Yes ma'am. I am saving my leave for a special trip. I am just waiting for my friend to clear their schedule."

She nodded and continued, "If you drive up to Washington DC, which I suggest, as you will have weekend time off. The Army will grant you three days of travel on the front end and then three on the back end. You will be in the VOQ on post and have some personal time on the weekends to do some sightseeing."

She paused, "Any questions?"

"May I ask, ma'am, could I request a few days of leave after the course to visit with my family? They are only a few hours drive away from Washington DC."

She smiled then winked at me, "Lt. Dougherty, you caught my drift perfectly. I am certain that between your new nurse manager and me we can adjust your work schedule for returning after a week off and travel time from DC to here."

I was confused and looked at her with a questionable look on my face.

"Ma'am, please forgive me. I am not trying to be difficult or challenging but are you saying that when I return I will be assigned to the ICU?"

She smiled and stood, "Katherine, let me make this sound very formal, you know, the Army way." She sat up straighter.

"Upon the successful completion of the ICU course, you will be awarded the Additional Skill Identifier of 8A, the Critical Care Nurse identifier and will be assigned to an ICU. That assignment period will be for at least 12 months."

I started to tear up; my dream job. Maj. Johnson-Hall smiled and walked to the other side of her desk opening her arms hugging me. She wished me good luck and told me I would do a wonderful job. She was proud of me.

Breaking the hug she said, "So your last day on the PCU schedule will be Wednesday, April 30th. Katherine, I am truly proud of you. Make your vacation plans to start after the course is finished which ends August 22nd. Take a week off, and then drive back. I will have you on the ICU scheduled for Thursday September 4th. Okay?"

"Yes, ma'am thank you. I am appreciative of your support. I will take care of that paperwork and get it to you tomorrow."

She stepped towards the door and opened it for me. Telling me to have a good day.

Driving home I was on cloud nine! I arrived at my apartment seeing a message on my answering machine and pressed play. "Hi Katherine! Just wanted to tell you how much I love you and how much you mean to me. Can't wait to chat tonight. Love you!"

End of message, to delete this message....

I quickly changed into my running clothes; sports bra, t-shirt, spandex, shorts and running shoes. I grabbed my cassette player and took off for a run. Pounding the running path around the neighborhood, I kept my senses keen but my mind was off still thinking and working out in my head how I could work this to our advantage.

I was preparing in my head what I would tell Mary Beth and how I would ask her to take a week off of work and provide no more details. We did love the beach when we went years ago, but I wanted to make this special for Mary Beth. Then my brain sparked, the thought was almost too easy to be seen but there it was right in front of me. I would need a little help from Rich.

I got back from my run, showered and changed into the 'home uniform' as MB had proclaimed it to be, 'panties and a t-shirt'. I got my uniforms ready for the next few days.

I took a deep breath and prepared myself for a conversation with my mother. We had a nice chat; she was elated with the news of the course. She was thrilled with joy sharing with me how proud she was of me. I was embarrassed by the praise she was bestowing on me. I hadn't felt that kind of love from her. Ever!

I did suggest that her and father should come to the Washington DC area for a weekend to visit. I would pay for their hotel and we could do some sightseeing together; she seemed interested.

I didn't share with her the vacation time that I would take after the course. I had other ideas for that.

After hanging up, I felt a guilty pang in my chest. I missed my family but selfishly I missed Mary Beth even more.

The next phone call was to my brother Rich and his wife Jilla. I needed some information and was hopeful they would be able to help. However before I could ask for help, I needed to have a conversation with them. If I didn't, I was afraid they would ask way too many questions. Like why I wanted to book a cabin in the mountains of Pennsylvania for a getaway with Mary Beth.

"Hi Rich!" I tried to sound happy and not as nervous as I was. "Rich, is Jilla home? I was wondering if I could speak with both of you. If she could pick up the other phone that would be great."

After a few seconds, I heard the other line pick up, "Hi Katherine, this is a welcome surprise. How are you?"

"Well Jilla" I paused, taking a deep breath, "That is the reason for my call. I need to speak with you both. I need to speak with people I trust, who I can confide in and those I hope will understand and that they still love me." I paused.

"And then ask if you will assist me with something of a surprise." I finished.

"Katherine, you know we both love and support you and your career choice." Rich told me emphatically.

That didn't sound as positive as I hoped. I was a little freaked out now. I took a deep breath and started.

"Good, that was my hope and is my hope moving forward." I took a sip of water as my mouth was suddenly dry.

"This isn't necessarily about my career choice and I am hoping to still have your love and support. But, as far back as I can remember Mary Beth was the closest friend I have had. We are like sisters and as you know we continue to be very close."

"Rich, Jilla because of our upbringing, this might be hard for you to hear but I am in love with Mary Beth and she loves me." I paused waiting for their reactions. "Rich, Jilla?" I heard nothing.

"We have been secretly dating and have been in love since our freshmen year in college."

Silence, dead silence. "Look" I continued. "Dad and I had a long conversation when I was home for your wedding. It was a difficult conversation but one of respect and truth. I am trying to be a good catholic woman, I pray all the time but it isn't working. I am following Dad's rules."

Still I heard nothing. "Rich!!" I screamed, "Please say something!"

I heard him clear his throat. "Rich, Jilla, please damnit say something!" I screamed into the phone then started crying. "I opened my heart and soul to you and what? You're ignoring me?"

"Katherine" Rich started but then Jilla interrupted. "Honey, its okay we are here for you. While I don't fully understand and this might not be something I would consider normal but I promise, Rich and I are here for you. We love you no matter what."

Rich didn't say anything, my heart broke. My big brother that was always there to fix things, the one I could always rely on for what needed to be done, was silent.

And for the next few minutes I quietly cried while Jilla and I had a conversation. I never heard Rich respond. I tried talking about everything, including me dating Dennis. I admitted to them that I was a lesbian. I admitted I was in love with another woman.

I admitted my fears of this becoming public. Specifically if the Army finds out. There is a strict homosexuality policy. I would be kicked out immediately.

At the end of the conversation, I told them I loved them and would hope to speak with them and see them soon. I repeated how much I loved them and how much I cared for them.

Rich never said a word. I felt as if he had rejected me, the brother I looked up to all those years, had rejected or worse, disowned me. I never told them how distraught I felt.

I never asked them for the favor. Frankly I forgot. My stomach was in knots and my head as well as my heart were aching.

On a day that was filled with professional and career happiness, achievement and success, my personal life was falling apart. I curled up on the couch and cried. I felt lonely, rejected and conflicted.

I came out to my brother and his wife, who I trusted the most, only to have them balk at me and finished with Jilla telling me she didn't understand but half-heartedly supported me. I was in a panic; I was uncertain what I had done.

I needed Mary Beth but knew she wouldn't be home from work yet. I tried to calm down and regain my composure but I couldn't. I just cried and cried.

I needed her voice and dialed her number anyway. "Hi this is Mary Beth..... beep"

"MB, call me please. I can't stop crying. I need to hear your voice and I need to speak to you. Please." I hung up and walked to my bedroom. I curled up into the fetal position and just cried.

I thought I heard my phone ringing but ignored it. I just laid there in a daze. My answering machine picked up.

"Kathie" her voice was stressed and hurried, "Baby, what's wrong. I am home, pick up. I love you!"

I got out of bed, trying to answer the phone before she hung up, but I was too slow.

I dialed her number, calling her right back. As soon as I heard her voice I curled into a ball on the couch crying. I couldn't stop. She was frantically attempting to get me to calm down but my emotions had overtaken my brain, my heart, my mind and my soul.

She tried consoling me, just whispering her love and undying support that she had for me. I tried to talk but gibberish is all that came out. I was overwrought with emotions. It was a few minutes later when I heard her.

"Katherine Aoife!" She screamed at me. "Stop it this instant and listen to me. Enough of this crying. You are a strong, powerful, amazing woman. Stop this now!" She was still screaming.

I had never heard her talk to me that way. I sat up on the couch; Mary Beth was upset at me.

"I'm sorry Mary Beth. I am so sorry."

Her tone had changed slightly but was still very firm.

"Listen to me Katherine, you are to go get a drink of water, wash your beautiful face of all those tears, compose yourself like the woman I know you are, then call me back. Okay? I love you but go now and call me back."

I heard the phone line click off as she hung up on me. I must have really upset her.

Was this my first taste of 'tough love' which I had heard my Sergeants speak of?

***

I calmed down and composed myself then cautiously, called Mary Beth back. When she answered her voice was magical and acted as if nothing had happened previously.

"Hi Kathie!"

"Mary Beth, may I first apologize? I panicked and am ashamed of myself and how I acted but I miss you so much."

"Kathie, please know you never need to apologize as I know and feel you will never do anything purposeful to hurt me. And yes" she cleared her throat, "I miss you so much." Her voice cracked.

"Mary Beth, I have some news for you, well for us and it may change us not seeing each other as much. In fact, we may be seeing each other sooner than you think."

"Kathie, that is great! But if you have such good news, why all the tears?"

"The good news first MB!"

I went on to explain to her the conversation that I had with my nurse manager about the ICU course in Washington DC and that I would have a few weekends off, including Memorial Day weekend with half of Friday and all day Monday as time off and that I should have July the 4th off and finish the course at the end of August.

I shared how my father and mother would come down for a visit and sightseeing but I would definitely let her know when, for our planning.

Then I shared that I was given three days to drive up, which I would make in one day, it was only really about ten hours. It wasn't too far. I had the idea that we could meet closer to Pittsburgh or I would come all the way to Pittsburgh on Friday, spending Friday night and Saturday and half of Sunday together as I needed to be at Walter Reed on Sunday before 6 pm.

She sounded very happy. I mean I could hear the happiness in her voice. This was the time to ask her for absolute trust.

"MB, I have a favor to ask and I really want you to trust me, please."

She was hesitant at first, "Okay ... um what's up Kathie?"

"Like I said, the course finishes the third week of August and I will be on vacation until September 2nd when I drive back to Ft. Stewart. I will start my new job on the 4th. So, I am working on a surprise for you and me. All I ask is that you trust me to book our getaway vacation."

"Can you please take a few days off of work in the last week of August? I would like to spend some alone time with you. We can go away and have a little vacation, just us."

I paused waiting for her response. I heard her breathing, "Love? Mary Beth? What do you think?"

"Katherine, I can't." She paused, "I just can't. Hey look, I gotta run, something has come up. I gotta go. Call ya later. Bye." The phone line went dead.

Katherine? She called me Katherine again! I was shocked. I didn't know what to think or feel. In all the years we have been together, only once did we end a conversation like that and that was at the Cabins.

No "I love you, no "mine and mine alone until the end of eternity." I was scared.

My panic and fears got the worst of me. I needed to take control. I picked up the phone and dialed her number. The phone rang, once, twice, three, four, and then Hi this is Mary Beth ... " beep

"Hey, Mary Beth!" My voice was hurried. "What is going on? Call me! Please, I love you and want to understand. I really am trying, there is more to talk about."

I hung up the phone. I was sure, confused and stressed. I turned on the radio seeking solace in some music. I curled up on the couch and waited for the phone to ring.

It didn't ring.

The next sound I heard my alarm going off, it was 4:45 am and I needed to get ready for work. I showered, dressed and had my breakfast. I looked at the phone and considered calling her. No, it was 5:20, too early, plus I needed to be out the door; now.

I took a meal break but only had a few moments to myself. Two of my patients just came to us from the Cardiac ICU and were more critical than others. Both were assigned to me purposely and they required significantly greater care and monitoring.

I tried smiling all day but it didn't work. One of my nurse friends questioned me twice, so I shrugged it off. I just didn't want to think about it. I was sad enough and frankly, afraid.

Maj Johnson-Hall called me into her office after shift turnover. I had my leave form completed in the event things with Mary Beth and I would change. That's it, it was official, my school was approved and I was heading to Washington DC for sixteen weeks at the beginning of May.

I thanked her and left for the day. I got home and didn't feel like being in my apartment. I changed my clothes and headed for the fitness center back on post.

One thing about the afternoon at the fitness center, until 4:30 or 5:00 it's usually empty. I can do what, when I want, and how I want, without needing to be overly worried about speed or hogging a piece of equipment.

I stretched, warmed up, did some jumping jacks, pushups, sit ups and I actually finished four "real" pull ups before my arms gave out. It was then I realized I forgot my cassette player. I had become used to listening to music while I ran and frankly enjoyed it.

I signed out a road guard vest, wrapped it around my waist and headed out for the 3 miles long path set up around the post. It started at the fitness center parking lot and thankfully finished at the parking lot.

Thirty-two minutes later, I was sweaty, tired, and hot and my chest was sore. I realized part way through the run; this wasn't my best sports bra for running. Now don't think that my bust is that large, I am a moderately endowed woman. Still, I was sore.