My Obsessive Crush

Andi, as I figured was set up in the middle, facing the drums. Poppy, set up on the left, and I was on the right.

"Lets just start with a jam." Poppy suggested loudly, as she tuned up her bass. "Maybe something in E, you start us off Andi."

Andi started with an upbeat pop, melody I recognised from somewhere. Poppy nodded her head in time with Andi, then came in with a loud growling overdriven thrashy bass line. God it was loud... So overpoweringly loud.

I watched on, enjoying how much she was into it. She bounced, and swayed blending into the feel of the song. She looked so different to how I saw her at school.

When Blaire, thundered in with a powerful straight ahead four on the floor thumping rhythm. I was in heaven, it sounded great. Nothing like what I expected. Poppy glanced across at me, her eyes opening, but her brows knotted in a heavy frown.

"It's in E babe... Is that something you can handle? Can you play something... Anything, just chords even?" It wasn't just what she said. It was the condescending tone. That's what hurt, of course I could. I had been playing with my Uncle since I was eight years old. Right up until he died, we played together almost every night.

Poppy, sorta pissed me off, with that comment, but I guess she didn't know that. I was standing there open mouthed looking like some star struck doofus guppy.

I waited until they came back to the main melody, I'd already picked it, and had something in my head. I came in loud and proud, my fingers sliding down the fretboard, and a snarly melody lead riff that cut right through the top of Andi's keyboard line.

They all turned in surprise looking at me as if I was some crazy weirdo. Poppy, caught on immediately though, and fell in with me, picking my style change.

"Oh hell yeah." Blaire yelled loudly. Her blistering drums following us both, she found the groove just like that.

"Yeah, that's choice Roz. Keep it going." Andi commented looking surprised, but pleased.

Poppy walked over to me, standing right in front of me. Swaying seductively like an out of control bobbing dancing doll. Her eyes closed tight, her feet tapping, her head nodding.

I slipped back into the ferocious lead riff, and stomped on my tube screamer. It was musical heaven, playing music, loud. The elation flowed into my fingers, the maple fretboard hot under my burning fingers. Up and down the strings I went, shredding, yeah it was over the top but I suppose I wanted them to know that I was capable. That I had skills. Uncle Roly's mantra of letting the song breathe momentarily forgotten. I wanted them to understand. I could play, that I was at least as good as them.

Call it pride, vanity or ego, I didn't care. Maybe more important than anything else. I wanted to be accepted.

We jammed that tune for about ten minutes, before Andi called it in. We stood together. "What sorta stuff do you like to play?" Blaire asked. "That lead riff was awesome girl."

"I'm into all sorts of stuff. I'm not tied to a genre. If you've got songs, I'd like to hear them."

"We do have some songs." Andi said. "If we play do you think you could play along? We don't have anything written down. None of us know how to write music."

"I can't read music anyway. If you play, I'll follow where I can. So long as they're not to difficult."

"Choice." Poppy replied. "Lets do it. Andi, why don't you start with 'Always yours' for a starter."

Andi, nodded and started on a song. It was nice, I liked it immediately. It triggered something in my mind. C#m wasn't one of my usual root keys, but I was already putting together a riff in my head.

I didn't know a lot about music, but it seemed like a weird note for a keyboardist to start in.

Andi, started singing, and it made more sense. The key was important to her because she had a narrow vocal range. She wanted to sound good. The song had an off kilter reggae pumping sort of feel. Not reggae, but not pop. Reminiscent of early Rayzalution songs maybe.

The girls were well into the third verse before I joined in. I felt a little unsure, uneasy. I joined in playing just the chords feeling my way into it. Humming away, I sensed the girls weren't happy, but shit, this was the first time I'd heard it.

A riff that had been building in my head. Still unsure, I decided what the hell. As the chorus ended, I blasted into my riff. My fingers slithered ferociously and the distorted scream exploded from my amp.

The atmosphere immediately changed. The girls jumped on my riff. Poppy, like a starving cat feasted on my new feel, matching my driving sound.

The chorus, was nice, and although I couldn't remember all the words, I hummed along, singing the words I recalled.

My vocals lifted, and encouraged Poppy to join in. The extra voices, freed Andi, to power on, and that seemed to feed her confidence. What had been a weak nervous vocal quickly became strong, uplifting and very much more effusive.

With the songs final notes ringing and hanging in the air. Andi said. "Now, that was great, I mean like fucking wow."

"Onya babe, I'm with you that was dope as. Like really sic" Blaire stated loudly.

"Yo, that was rad, I don't usually sing that much." Poppy added.

"You should sing more." I replied. "You have a nice voice, better than nice actual."

"Yeah, back atcha." Andi, added. "It really helped. I'm not really that good, those harmonies. I loved that."

We played several more songs, and at the end, they all sat around in a group with some cans of soda Poppy pinched from her dad's store room.

"What'd ya think?" Andi asked me.

"I had a blast. I haven't played with anybody since my Uncle died. Thanks for inviting me."

Andi glanced around, her eyes pausing as she looked at the girls. "We invited you for a reason Roz. It was sorta an unofficial audition, if you think you're interested. We'd love you to join the band."

"Join..." I spluttered not really believing her.

"Yeah, we've been talking about adding a guitar player. It was Simon, your cousin who said you were really good."

"Really, Simon said that? But I don't really fit in with you girls though."

Blaire jumped in boots and all. "Roz, you have to give us a chance. We were pretty bitchy and mean to you. Honestly, give us a go. We're not that bad, I promise. All that shit's behind us."

"Yeah, ditto for me Roz." Poppy added.

"Double ditto." Andi, added. We all have been scatty, and horrible. We promise to be nicer, all the time."

"Thanks, yeah I'd love to join, but what are your plans like. Do you wanna play gigs and shit?"

"Oh fuck yeah." Andi, gushed. "We wanna get as many as we can. We have those songs we played tonight, and a few others. We'd like to make an album. We're like really into it."

"What about school?"

"We all have to get through that, but then we wanna go all out."

That was how I joined 'My Obsessive Crush'.

*****

People talk about life changing moments. well, that was mine. A defining moment that changed everything for me. I went from having a few geeky friends at school, to having three friends, who were among the most popular girls at College. It wasn't just school either, after college they dragged me along on their shopping trips, they pushed me into taking my appearance and fashion more seriously. It was like a whole different world, and it really changed the way I saw the world.

I had friends... I mean it took me a while to trust them. To take them into my confidence. I was so pleased to have friends, I let them lead me into uncharted waters. At rehearsals we sometimes wore costumes and played like we were at gigs. I know we didn't have to, but the girls figured it was important. That was enough for me, I was not rocking the boat.

Andi, became our choreographer. On the outside I struggled with that one. I wasn't really a dancer. Prior to the band, I didn't go to parties. My social life had been my Uncle. Now I got invited to them all. You don't change that quickly though, at the parties I was an observer.

The girls refused to let me live the life of a wallflower. They always dragged me up to dance. I pretended to put up a fight, but inside, I loved it. Just having them around me gave me confidence, made me feel like I was part of something.

At rehearsals, we danced around as if we were famous rock stars on stage. We watched video clips of our favourite bands, and I have to say. It was fun.

The hardest bit for me was the boys. The girls all had boyfriends, Andi, had several. The girls were hot, and popular. There was always a bunch of them hanging around. Even at rehearsals. The started appearing, and then lounging around. It didn't matter what we were doing, or where we were. The girls always had a raft of boys chasing them.

They enjoyed the attention, they were into it. Every time we got together, they talked endlessly about their dates. Each I'm sure all trying to outdo the others. I was positive it was all made up, it had to be surely?

Unlike the girls, I never felt that connection. I didn't have the slinky hour glass figure, the long golden tresses. I certainly didn't feel like I fitted in. Yeah, I let them pretty much design my wardrobe, but even with a trendier look. I always felt out of place.

Andi, I think took it as a challenge. It somehow upset her that I wasn't into it. She tried so many times to set me up with her current boyfriends mates. Or one of her many cast off exe's. It was nice in a way, flattering I suppose. Having boys chasing me was a novel phase of my life.

To please her, I did go on a few dates, but. I simply didn't feel a connection with any of the boys. All they wanted to talk about was sports, cars, drinking and shit. That wasn't me, males of the species left me cold, they bored me.

Then of course was the constant push to make out, pash. I just couldn't do it. I kept pushing them away and that led to them losing interest. Sex, no way did I feel ready to even contemplate that.

The girls though kept pushing me, wear sexier clothes. "Sheesh, let yourself go a little." Blaire said to me after Andi set me up with another of her old boyfriends. "Try to enjoy it. Flirt, have some fun, let them kiss you, shit... Kiss them back."

That sort of pushed me into a corner. I didn't even want to go on the stupid date. For a long time I had been in a turmoil of weird thoughts. I questioned myself, my sexuality, who I was and what it was I wanted.

I beat myself up continuously, my new self esteem fading under the pressure. Why didn't I get it, why did boys turn me off rather than on? Why did I feel so alive and happy around the girls, yet the moment boys turned up. I turned off.

The pressure kept building to an unbearable level.

I was miffed, the girls spent the whole day talking about him, how he was such a catch, and how I needed to stop being so prissy and let go a bit. Yeah he was cute in a rustic sort of way. He was popular, an athlete, and most other girls I knew would have loved to be in my position.

As always, there was a party in the weekend and Andi wanted me to go as his date.

Feeling angry and bitter, I walked around to the rehearsal room, and started packing up my gear. It hurt, walking away from the band, but I was sick of being pressured all the time. Sick of being forced into dating guys I didn't even like.

With my gear all packed, and stacked by the main door. There was nothing left but to call my mum. Calling her to come and get me hurt. She'd lectured me enough about the band, and about how I'd get a bad reputation hanging around with Andi... I had my phone out about to call her. When the girls walked in.

"Whatcha doing?" Andi snapped curtly.

"I'm pulling out. I don't think it's working out is it?"

"Whoa, what the fuck." Poppy cried out. "What's not working? We sound better than ever..." She glanced at the other girls, her arms in the air. "Well don't we?"

"It's not the music, it's the other stuff, like boys. I'm not into it okay. I love hanging with youse, it's dope as, but I don't like being pushed into something I don't want."

"Shit, back up a bit." Blaire muttered belligerently. "Nobody's making yah do anything. Jesus, what the fuck?"

Andi sighed, moved guiltily from one foot to the other. "It's my fault. I'm sorry Roz, I thought I was helping. I know you don't have a lot of experience with boys."

Cutting her off abruptly, I snapped loudly. "No I don't. I know you girls are into it, but I'm not."

"Are you gay, or something?" Poppy asked looking confused.

That hit me like a slap in the face. It was a question I had been asking myself. To have to answer it there, in front of my new super cool friends...

"Hey, we don't care if you are." Blaire interrupted. "You don't have to be embarrassed."

"I don't know." I replied honestly. "All I know is, I'm not into boys at the moment. Maybe I'm a late bloomer. I dunno. I just don't want boys shoved in my face."

"I'm sorry okay, please don't have a hissy." Andi said apologetically. "We'll stop with the match making."

"What about girls?" Poppy asked. "Like, if that's what you're into. You know Angela Donald, is gay."

"She is?" I mumbled dubiously. If it was true, how come this was the first I was hearing of it?.

"Oh yeah, she doesn't exactly advertise it, but. I know her, if yah want. I could sorta find out if she's interested?"

"Oh hell no." I yelped. "I don't even know if I am. Could we please not focus on my personal life. When and if I ever figure out who I am. You'll be the first to know."

"Roz, yah gotta learn to chill a little. We're gonna say shit all right. We're gonna tease yah. Don't have a hissy, just tell us to fuck off. Or better still, just throw it back at us. We aren't trying to be mean, It's just the way we roll. We're just like having a bit of fun."

Turns out, I was way more naive than I thought. Call me innocent or unaware. I learned to recognise sarcasm, and when they were simply putting me on. How to take a joke, it was something I had to grasp. How to laugh at myself.

*****

Our first gig was for the local netball club. A prize giving end of year party. The first time we actually got paid to play.

Still one of my most cherished memories. Held in the netball club rooms, there was no stage. We were jammed in the corner, and we had to wait until late to play. First there was the prize giving ceremony, followed by speeches.

Finally we got the nod. What a moment, I had never been more nervous. Fifteen minutes before we were to start. I was in the loo throwing up. My tummy flip flopping like a washing machine.

We stuffed up the start of our first song. There were quizzical looks. Everybody shared the same lost expressions. This was real, so much more intense than rehearsing... There were expectant eyes staring at us, they wanted to dance, to sing... Here with people talking, yelling, tables and chairs moving. It was hard to hear...

Slowly, the hours of practice paid off, and we slipped into time. I could almost hear the collective sigh of relief. We were on the same page, and as our confidence grew, we got better, and the crowd slowly got into it.

Probably more to do with the amount of booze being consumed. We started off with covers, sprinkling the original songs as we went.

It was crazy, the dance floor filled, the singing started loudly. The crowd singing along with us as we played our more popular covers. Poppy... Oh my god, she went crazy. She walked up to me, dancing and swaying in front of me. Her body moving like a stripper, or an eighty's go go dancer. It was the sexiest thing I had ever seen. We shared a mic our faces rubbing together as we sang our hearts out.

For the band, it was a defining moment. For me it was an unforgettable single twinkling point in time. I had been questioning my sexuality.

After rubbing faces with Poppy, oh god yes. My tummy went back to insane crazy flip flops. There was no longer any doubt about where my sexual urges were centred. The feel of her face rubbing mine, feeling her hot breath on my face. God damn, I wanted more than anything to grab her, kiss her. Feel her body against mine.

Any questions I had about my personal sexuality were answered right there and then. Surrounded by the massed crowd of the netball club.

Strangely the crush I developed wasn't for the gorgeous Poppy but Andi. She had a smouldering sensuality. Her body was stunning, but it was her persona, her bubbling sexuality. She oozed some weird pheromone. For years she had made fun of me, Tormented me to the verge of torture. Now I had a crush within an ace of obsession.

Being on stage with her, watching her move. It drove me wild. Poppy was always in my face, rubbing strings as we traded licks. She was fun and sexy, but it was Andi I lusted after. I can't explain why, it's something personal I suppose.

Andi I'm sure existed totally and blissfully unaware of my infatuation. Either that or she was simply very cruel. Unwittingly she tortured, teased and tormented me. Always so effervescent and ever so sexy. She was always all over me. Helping me with my costumes, doing my hair, my makeup. Showing me dance moves, guiding me with her hands on my hips. Going over songs, she often sat with her arm over around my neck, her head resting on my shoulder, whispering lyrics in my ear.

Every day my infatuation, if that's what you called it grew deeper. I wanted her more than any person on the planet wanted another. Through embarrassment, fear and my inability to express anything. I said nothing. I kept my emotions, my desires to myself.

The gig at the netball club was the match that lit the flame. Word gets around quickly in small towns. Our popularity grew amazingly quickly. We started to do really well. We were in demand almost every weekend. That grew into a couple of nights during the week. Our brand of ferocious pop infused punk really struck a chord with local audiences.

Okay, maybe it was the lack of alternatives. Featherstone was hardly a music hub. There was only one other band in town, and they were a hard out death metal band.

With college finished, the pressures didn't come from the girls in the band. It was my parents pushing me to look for work.

My Dad arranged interviews with local businesses, but With the band doing so well. My head still full of Uncle Roly's stories about his time in the spot light. I wanted that as well.

Music was my passion, all I lived for. I wanted to make that my career. The other girls were in the same boat. All our parents were pushing for us to forget music, and get real jobs.

My parents exploded when I told them that I was going in search of fame and glory with the band. They put up plenty of arguments, in fact it created such a heated clash. I walked out. Thankfully. Blaire, who had already left home had a spare room in her flat. We became flatmates as well as band mates.

That would've been sweet except for her boyfriend Ray. He was a nice guy, but it was the sex, they went at it every night like bunny rabbits. The walls were thin, and they were noisy as.

It was embarrassing, but if nothing else. I learned a lot about sex, and how to pleasure myself. Masturbation became my nightly entertainment. The moment they went off to bed. So did I. Laying with my head against the wall listening to them fuck.

All the while, my fingers finding my sensitive places. I loved the way it got all fat and juicy, my hands covered in the sticky gooey deliciousness that oozed out of my convulsing pussy.

It wasn't their images that fuelled my imagination though. It was Andi, her succulent kissable lips gliding over mine. It was her fingers I imagined inside me. It was her fucking me.

Fucking... I laughed at myself. I didn't even know if girls could fuck each other. In fact I didn't know what girls did sexually. I imagined it was a lot like my explorations, but with a partner. Unsure, but eager to learn more. That's how my report card would've read.