My Obsessive Crush

With the bands growing popularity, we found we quickly out grew Featherstone, and calls came in from further afield.

Martinborough, Carterton, Masterton, even Palmy. Wow, they were great gigs in Palmy. It's a university town, and lots of students from all over the world.

Gigs there were awesome. With offers coming in thick and fast from those areas. It became more difficult. We constantly relied on the girls boyfriends to transport us around. That got harder when the calls started drifting in from Upper Hutt, Lower Hutt, Petone and even some in Wellington. It started to feel like we were making progress. Like we were rock stars, but we were trapped in stuffy old Featherstone. A rural little town famous for nothing. A farming town, yeah it had it's artsy fartsy little zones. But mostly, it was all about the farmers.

Andi Loved performing more than the rest of us put together. She loved the spot light, and soaked up attention like a sponge. Pubs started offering us accommodation, which helped, but often meant sharing rooms. Sharing... I loved and hated it. The nights I shared with Andi broke my heart. It was a pivotal moment one might say.

I realised all the salacious gory details she shared with me regarding her sex life were all true. I mean really true. She was happy to have a different boy every night. She didn't care that I was only a few feet away in a separate bed with my blankets pulled over my head to keep the sounds out.

That's not entirely true, sometimes I listened, my fingers nervously awakening my inner woman. I could never enjoy it though, too scared they'd hear me. Then everybody would know what a pervert I was.

Seeing her naked though, didn't help quell my infatuation. I imagined it was me in her bed, me making her moan lewdly. What she felt like, tasted like. How it would feel to have my fingers up inside her.

There was another aspect of our rise to stardom and beyond, drugs. On the nights I shared with her, I noticed her doing lines of speed, and I knew because she offered me some... Ecstasy. It scared me, okay call me paranoid, but I'd seen all the video's at high school about the evils of drugs. One of my friends elder brother got hooked on Meth, and he ended up in jail.

Nah, I wasn't going down that path.

The pot smoking I could handle. Shit I imbibed myself, but when it drifted into speed and ecstasy. I pulled back. The other girls were a little like me. I did see Poppy take ecstasy a few times, but it was only occasionally.

With Andi it was most nights.

Being mildly famous in our small town, and with us travelling around for gigs, and always overwhelmed by masses of boys. The girls relationships broke down, which was bad enough, but it affected our means of getting to gigs.

We decided to pool all our money and buy a van. It wasn't much, an old Hi Ace with enough Kilometres on it to get you to the moon and back. She was rusty, but reliable. In all the years we owned her. She never let us down once.

The real take off point for the band was winning the regional battle of the bands talent quest. First prize was a recording session worth over ten grand with a Wellington recording studio. Okay, it wasn't anything huge, but we were allocated eighty hours in a private recording studio in Newtown.

It was a win, but we had issues. We only had like eight songs worth recording. Song writing became our focus. We were pretty much constantly travelling, which did make the driving fun. We'd start throwing up lyrics and singing them, that usually led to somebody finding another line, then somebody else another. Back and forth it went. Andi playing her little mini Casio finding melodies.

It amazed me how many songs we wrote like that. It was fun which was the bonus. Laughing and cackling like hens as we invented dirty funny lyrics.

Of course it led to more teasing for me the virgin. I lost some weight though. Having no money meant no food. So the diet was self fulfilling. I suppose my slimmer more svelte appearance earned more regular offers from guys, and a few girls. I think the fact we were an all girl band created the impression we were gay. That was quickly shot down when the girls only had eyes for the boys. It didn't however stop the speculation. Lots of our crowds were made up of gay women. There were always lots of security when we played, which made it more women friendly.

I was open with the girls in the band about my virginity, and they went to extremes to get me dates. Andi, took great delight in announcing over the PA that I was single and in the market for a girlfriend.

That would be great, but it scared me, made me anxious and I wanted something special, not a one drunken night stand. I would have broken that rule for Andi, but I knew as much as I wanted it, she wasn't the least bit interested in me.

We did eventually get our album recorded, but it really took it's toll on the band. Creative people have egos. There's no escaping it, if you think you're good enough to get up on stage and perform, then you have an ego, you can't do it without one.

It doesn't matter whether you're a writer, an artist, sculptor, or even an architect. You think your product is at least as good as everybody else. You have to think you're at least good enough, or even better.

We didn't have a lot of time in the studio, so we tried to hone the songs before committing to going in. As we tried to sharpen the songs, decide on arrangements. That's when the ego's started to show.

"No, it's gotta be a keyboard intro." Andi wailed for the tenth time. Slapping her knee in frustration.

"Okay, then show us what you want." Blaire hissed, her exasperation equally as clear. Andi played the little intro again, but we could all see it didn't fit.

"No, that's not going to work." Poppy grumbled. "That feel doesn't allow us to transition. It's to different."

"Yeah, Blaire added. "You try and play that over this." She laid down the rhythm of the song, and Andi, god bless her tried, and tried but it simply didn't fit. She was determined though, and kept at it.

"Nah, lets try something else." I finally said. "What about you Poppy, you start us off, make it fat and juicy, then you come in Blaire, Andi, and I'll come in after four bars."

Poppy led us in, Blaire followed and then Andi and I joined. It sounded great, but Andi snapped brusquely. "Nah, it's my song. I wrote it. I'll work on a keyboard intro. Let's try something else."

We moved onto a couple of the older songs, which we'd played hundreds of times. Andi, annoyed at being unsupported yelled. "No, we need to build it more for the chorus. Poppy, you should only sing in the chorus, that way it'll sound stronger."

Poppy glared at me, rolling her eyes and shrugging. This time she didn't sing during the verses. I put up my hand and stopped us half way through. "Sorry Andi, but your vocals aren't strong enough on your own. maybe poppy can sing with you, during the verses. I'll come in on the chorus to give it a lift."

She agreed after much discussion, but I sensed her displeasure with my open criticism.

It took us all day, and we really only had one arrangement we liked. Three weeks of rehearsal, constant arguing and bickering. It wasn't just Andi, Blaire had strong feelings about a couple of the songs, and she wanted to feature the drumming. Not a solo as such, but she wanted this weird tribal drum sound. It was quite cool, but it was so different to the stuff on the rest of the album, I thought it sounded out of place.

Poppy, I think in sheer frustration had to make a point, there were ideas she had and wanted included. I watched on in disbelief. It wasn't that I didn't have opinions, or that I was scared to share them. I could see the recording session getting further and further away.

If we carried on like we were, we'd never get it finished. So, I bit my tongue. Swallowed my ideas in the hope we would get agreement.

Finally, almost two months later, we were actually in the studio. Wow, what an experience, I loved it. Strangely enough, the producer came in and ripped up a lot of our arrangements, suggesting more poppy feels.

After all the work we'd done, the fighting, the long hours. He just said no.

"Listen girls, your sound is unique, and personally I love it. However... If you actually want to sell some of these albums, then you have to bring it to the market. Make them more mainstream, contemporary. They have to sound current, relevant... I'm telling you. A couple of these songs will translate into more commercial songs."

He showed us by playing a couple how he saw them sounding. I wasn't really on board with his suggestions, but the girls were keen on him. I had heard their cheeky sexy remarks as they drooled over him. Andi was the worst. She fawned over him like a love sick puppy.

It was our third day in the studio when I caught a young woman staring at me from the control booth. Every time I looked up, I caught her staring at me. I sniggered, fascinated by her blushes at being found out.

Wow, was she flirting, was she interested? The more I stared, the more real it became. During the break for lunch, I caught her at the coffee machine. "Hi, I'm Roz." I stuck out my hand to shake hers, and she smiled. "I'm Kat."

"Do you work here?"

"Nah, I'm recording a demo album, I just saw you girls and liked it. Tom graciously let me sit in. I'm studying sound engineering at tech."

"Awesome, what sort of stuff do you play?"

She shrugged casually. "Oh, it's sorta house, you know. Drum n Bass. Electro."

"Yeah, sweet. Do you live around here?"

"Yeah, Thorndon."

"Nice."

Poppy sauntered over to get her coffee fix. "Who'ya chatting with?" She asked.

"Poppy, this is Kat. She's recording an album as well."

"Sweet, be nice to hear it."

"I'm in the small studio out the back. My producer's off sick, so I'm just hanging around."

"Kat's studying sound engineering at Tech." I added to explain why she was hanging around.

Poppy slipped away leaving the two of us to talk. "I like your guitar playing." Kat said softly.

"Thanks, I'm not that good, but I do love to play."

"Nah girl, you sound good. I love hearing female guitar players. There aren't that many."

"True dat. What about you, what do you play?"

"Keyboards. My music is mostly loops, samples and stuff. I just add a few bits to fatten it up."

"Sounds sweet."

"Um... Where are you guys staying?" She asked.

"Backpackers, down on the Quay."

The conversation dried up, and it became awkward. She kept looking at me out of the side of her eye, kinda furtive sneaky looks.

It made me blush, I felt it creeping up my body, my skin burning, my face hot to the touch. God, it made me shiver, tremble, and I had bloody goose bumps.

After what felt like a very long time, she asked. "Would you like to get something to eat when you finish up here? I know a choice spot, great food and it's cheap as."

"Um... Yeah, we could do that."

'Sweet."

I watched her walk away as I leaned against the counter. She had a certain something... How do you define it, she wasn't gorgeously sexy, but I felt drawn to her. I loved her eyes, they twinkled when she smiled, and the way she constantly had to sweep her fringe from her eyes.

She had smooth skin, a little scattering of freckles, which gave her that cute innocent look. What I had to figure out was whether she was flirting with me. This was new territory, but I knew one thing. I was interested. God, the thought made me squirm. Was I ready? I mean what if she did like me, would she want sex? Did I want sex... Hell yeah... I was sick of watching the girls with their boyfriends. Sick of listening to then banging away in the next bed, or the next room.

I wanted to feel that, a connection, a human body in my arms, a kiss. Oh god, just a kiss.

For the last couple of years I'd been fighting off the urges that grew stronger every day. I hid behind my little facade of not knowing who I was, and my stupid crush on Andi.

The truth is, that's probably what held me back. I was stupidly waiting for her, but after so much rejection, the realisation was slowly sinking in. It had finally started to feel like it wasn't happening. I know it sounds silly, even I felt it.

Wandering back into the studio, where the girls were going over which song was going next. Andi, snapped curtly. "Who the fuck is that chick giving you the eye, Roz?"

I glanced into the control booth, and Kat was again gawking at me, a funny smile on her face, as she chatted with the engineer.

"That's, Kat." Poppy interjected. "I think she's got the hots for our horny little, Roz."

"Piss off." I bit back.

Andi took a long laser like stare at her. "Oh yuck. You could do better. She looks like a fucking dyke."

"Stop it." Poppy said with a dirty little smirk. "I think she's super cute."

"Yeah, she's cute all right." Blaire added. "And she is definitely fucking gay. I guess that's a plus for you huh bitch." The way she said it made me shudder. She said it so matter of factly, but there was a cheeky grin hiding behind her words.

"Get off." I muttered.

"Oh my god, you're blushing." Andi gasped. "Oh please tell me you're not into her?"

"We're just going out for dinner." I spluttered.

"Dinner, as in a date!" Poppy giggled loudly. "Jesus, careful girl. You'll end up getting laid."

"If I'm lucky." I threw back, getting pissed at their teasing.

Poppy hugged me tightly, and kissed me on the cheek. "Relax, we're just teasing, you know what we're like, if you're into her, then you go get her. Don't listen to those two, they're just jealous."

We went into the next song, but it wasn't working. Andi for whatever reason was in a real snit. Bitchy and complaining, she found fault with everything. In the end, it was the engineer, who called via the microphone. "I think we should give it a miss aye girls. We're wasting time and tape."

Kat was waiting by the door. "Hey Roz, you ready?"

Sucking in a big breath, I tried to smile, look confident "Yeah, where are we going?"

"Follow me." She said easily, clearly she wasn't feeling the ground rumbling beneath us, waiting to swallow us whole the way I did.

I felt Andi's, eyes burning into my back as we walked away.

We sauntered into this seedy little Indian restaurant, and Kat walked over to give the woman behind the counter a big hug. They seemed to share a bond, the little frumpy Indian woman, closed her eyes as she enjoyed the embracing hug.

Her English was so heavily accented by her Indian accent it was difficult to understand. "Where have you been hiding little one? It has been such a long time."

"Sorry, I've been very busy."

"Too busy to eat. Shame on you Kathleen."

Kat, blushed under the intense telling off. She regathered, "Mogia, this is my new friend Roz."

I walked forward, reaching out my hand. "Hi."

She pushed past my hand, and drew me into another hug. "Welcome Roz, any friend of Kathleen's, is welcome here."

"Thanks." I replied, my own blush showing my discomfort level.

Mogia directed us to one of the few vacant tables, and handed over menu's. "Choose, I will be back soon."

"Wow, who is that." I mumbled softly.

"She was my next door neighbour growing up. A beautiful family, she was like my second Mum. She is a wonderful soul."

"She clearly holds you in high esteem."

"She's me mum. She has to." Her self depreciating laugh was warm like marshmallow.

"Your lead singer, keyboard player seems pretty intense." Kat stated curtly. "Nah, sorry, this is not gonna work. I gotta say it. She's a real bitch."

"Nah, Andi's just so into it. She's really invested in this recording process. She gets like that when she's anxious. She's lovely once you get to know her."

"Yeah, nah... Not buying it. She's just a bitch, a nasty one at that."

"No, you just don't know her."

"Yeah I do. Popular at school. Banged the head boy, the captain of the first fifteen. Loved by all the girls who wanted to be in her circle. Now she wants to be queen B. I get it, you're friends, no probs. I was just curious."

"You're pretty cynical, considering you don't know her." I muttered in Andi's defence. Stupid really, I agreed with her... Mostly.

Trying to change the subject. I asked. "How's your recording project going?"

"Pretty sweet actual. Those guys are amazing, I do a bit there around the studio to make myself useful. Plus I go along to gigs where the crew is doing sound, and help out. They are recording my album for free, like as a favour."

"Wow, choice, that's awesome." I replied, impressed.

"I'm a realist though, my stuff isn't gonna be popular, but if I can use it to get me some gigs then all good."

"Yeah, we're sorta in the same boat." I replied trying to not sound big headed. "We won the studio time at battle of the bands."

"Yeah, Gary told me. You have a great sound. I love that raw punk blast from the past."

"Dated, but still relevant." I mumbled in response. "I know the worlds moved on, and our producer has pushed us into making our material sound more commercial."

"Yeah, everybody wants to sell shit I guess." She said, she gave me a sort of appraising look before adding. "I know he can be a bit bossy, but he really does know his shit. I'm not promoting him, but he is trustworthy. I'd listen to him if I were you."

I needed to change the subject. She clearly liked the guy, whereas he pissed me off. It's okay to know the industry, but I didn't want to go in that direction. I liked our sound. It always made me think of my Uncle. That sound was his, and he made it mine as well. He played me hours of old unknown punk bands.

"How is Tech? Do you find it hard trying to balance everything, like working here, studying, and recording. It must be pretty hectic?" I said quickly, trying to hide my dislike for him.

"It's pretty cool. I get to do a lot of my practical learning at the studio. Gary's got such a good reputation, and he's well known at the Tech. While I work with him, they accept his word in what I've been doing."

Mogia turned up to take our orders. Indian food wasn't something I was that familiar with, so Kat did all the ordering.

"Are you dating, like seeing anybody?" Kat asked inquisitively.

Shaking my head, I replied. "I've been a bit busy, like, yah know what it's like. Playing, continuously, and being on the road most weekends."

"You must get offers though, you're super hot."

I blushed vividly, I could feel the burning flames of embarrassment spreading."Yeah, I'm sorta staying away from the casual sex thing." I spluttered falteringly. My words sticky and hesitant.

Did she have no shame, I wondered after she said. "Why? We all need that human connection, some romance."

"Yeah, I guess." Grimacing, I added. "I dunno, maybe I need to find time."

As I peeked furtively at her. She smiled, and it was like the temperature went up. Her smile was radiant, her whole face lit up."Maybe we could go somewhere and get a drink after dinner?"

Embarrassed, I mumbled incoherently. "I'd like that."

The food was spicy as hell, but so delicious. The conversation dried up a little. Kat obviously as hungry as myself.

When we stopped at the counter to pay. Mogia waved us away. "Do not insult me little one. Your money is no good here." We all hugged before walking out into the Wellington night. It wasn't cold, apart from the wind, as it could often do in Wellington. The wind whistled in from the heads, straight up from Antarctica, bitter and bone chilling.

We huddled together, Kat wrapping her arm around my waist as we stumbled into a little bar. Full of same sex couples, I sucked in a big breath. My first visit to a gay bar.

Kat, caught my unease, and held me tight. "Never been before?"

"Nah," I said with a shake of my head. "First time."