Myfanwy

It was later in the week I had another visit from Shayde.

Forgoing the door chimes there was a banging on the front door. I switched off the TV and made my way into the hall. Opening the door I was confronted with Shayde who had apparently turned Goth sporting green and yellow hair and a black dress. Remembering the pic she had sent me I hardly looked at her face and scanned her, imagining that body; those tanned banana boobs and hairless slit.

'Shade seemed to ignore my rudeness immediately shouting. "Where's Fanny, Where's Fanny."

"who?"

"Myfanwy"

"Right now, I have no idea," A technical lie, I told myself.

"They won't tell me at her work."

"I know she went to Christchurch. That's all I can say really." I pondered about slipping that information. I knew she was no longer there but I thought it would put Shayde off the scent. I knew she did not know about her sister Bryony.

"Shit, who would she stay with, there?"

I shrugged in reply. "I know, it would be Allie," she decided.

I just shrugged again; "What's this all about?"

"Jase's trial is coming up next week. He is really depressed. I'm afraid he is going to top himself."

"Oh, really this is the assault and drugs charges. Do you think he will be inside long?" This stopped Shayde on her tracks. She stuttered for a bit then exclaimed, "I don't know. It could be a real long time, I guess," she was tearing up.

I shrugged again.

"Shit, I don't have time to talk, I have got to go." With that she rushed away.

I suddenly felt a little guilty. It is not in my nature, not to help someone when they are down. It sounds like the sick bastard actually did love Myfanwy but then again maybe he is afraid of losing Lenny's carer. It sounds like he may go down for a long, long time. I would be depressed about that.

In the end, the reality is he needs help from others. This stuff would drag Myfanwy further into the abyss. I elected not to tell Myfanwy about this visit and let whatever transpire.

And it did, the following night. I got a call on my cell from Shayde, she was hysterical. I finally calmed her down. She spluttered through her sobs that Jase had OD'ed on something and was unresponsive.

"Call emergency services!"

"No!"

"Why not?"

"If the cops find out he's on drugs he's fucked!"

"Shayde, you are talking about his life. How much more fucked can you be!"

"I'd be fucked too!"

"Shayde, he is your brother. Do you want him alive or what. Take your chances, think of some explanation for yourself but get the medics to him. RING NOW!"

She cut off. I gave her a couple of hours and rang Shayde back. I didn't expect her to answer but she did. "He's dead Alex, he died." She was sniffing and gasping then she let out a whine and started cursing Myfanwy. The string of invective was abusive in the extreme so I cut her off.

I couldn't see myself getting any more information and I did not want to encourage the hate. I had to tell Myfanwy but I elected not to phone her. Despite the lateness of the hour I drove over to Annaliese's house to give her the news. Myfanwy surprisingly took it calmly, at least at first. Maybe she was just shocked. She wanted detail I could not give her. I told her it was a drug overdose. She let out a sigh and exclaimed that it did not surprise her one bit.

Myfanwy looked into my eyes directly saying, "I dodged a bullet, Alex. Thank you; thank you with all my heart. I firmly believe you saved my life." With that she put her arms around me and drew me to her. I melted into her. She stepped back and taking me by the hand, led me inside. I didn't stay the night but we chatted well into the early hours with Annaliese and her partner. Strangely, it was our own private wake I guess. It moved me that Mythanwy was not more emotional. It was secretly encouraging to me that there had probably been little love, if any, for Jase.

I left promising to take Myfanwy to lunch on the Saturday. I had been doing a lot of thinking; I know Myfanwy had too and that would be the big day. We would discuss our options.

I never saw Shayde again and neither did Myfanwy. I don't know if she was charged with anything. I know the police visited Myfanwy a couple of times. She told them she knew he took drugs and that is why she broke it off. They were not forthcoming about any information on the event. Although I expected it, they never came to see me, I suspect there was bigger things going on in Jase's world for them to concern themselves with me.

Saturday came and time for our big talk. We found a nice private spot at a café in the suburbs. It was actually a miserable cold grey day and there were few people there. We found nice private booth ideal for our discussion. The booth had a kind of wrap around bench seat so I deliberately sat beside her. I knew it would be emotional for Myfanwy, Hell it was going to be emotional for me. I let Myfanwy start. She acknowledged we both had a strong attraction for one another but somehow we had begun drifting apart. I was surprised when she said it all came to a head when we cut that album especially when we nearly won the award.

Myfanwy said that she, Shayde and the crew were living a fantasy world. They built her up saying she was going to be a star. Apparently drugs, booze, music and sex are de rigour in that life style and everything got out of hand. When Blake and I put the final cap on our involvement in the band, the coven (as Myfanwy herself was starting to call them) told her that Blake and I were destroying their path to stardom and their rock'n'roll lifestyle. How Shayde and co ever thought they were going to get stardom out of that is anyone guess.

I still believed that they were fundamentally after Blake and me. I reminded Myfanwy that although these girls may have been talking about this shit, all of you were hitting up on Blake or me in one way or another. Myfanwy's explanation was that was just the sex. I did make my point though that they may have been telling her that but they definitely made a strong play for Blake and eventually me. I didn't think they really cared much for Myfanwy at all.

Myfanwy went silent. Looking up at me, she said, "I now know that. Blake was right I should never have joined the coven."

"So where do we go now, what do you want Myfanwy?"

"Throughout all this I have learnt that the most loyal friends I have are Bryony, Annaliese, and you. I want you to be more than a friend but I don't know how to do it. I want to make babies with you, I want some sort of life with you but I can't see us going back to how we were."

I broke in here," I can see us going forward but it would have to be new, like we were starting again. There are two points in here; somehow I lost your respect. I feel it is something I missed and did wrong; maybe I neglected you, I don't know, you tell me."

"Well it seemed to me you were turning into my Mother, I told you that."

"Mmm I can maybe take that. I guess at the same time you were drifting into a singles life, I wanted to be more married. May be you were turning back into your adolescent self."

We thought in silence on that. Based on more recent conversations I had imagined that Myfanwy might become angry; but no; it was like the old times when we would discuss something of interest together. Weirdly we were not taking one another too personally.

"I have an idea. You despised your mother, right?" Mythawy nodded. "You loved your father?"Mythanwy nodded again. I loved the stories you told about you tramping in the Southern Alps with your father. I did all that stuff up north with my family. I always thought that would be a cool thing to do with you but we never seemed to have the time with the band and work. We only ever did it once"

"Myfanwy 's eyes immediately lit up. I saw straight away that I had scored and the truth was that I had not just thought this up. I was always aware of her relationship with her father and the resentment of her mother. Myfanwy had previously compared me with her Mother. I had been determined to find out as much as I could about her Dad. Maybe that comparison would work better for me if she compared me with him.

Mythanwy began talking about tracks we could do. Kepplers; St James; Arthurs pass. I looked at Myfanwy, she was smiling as she spoke, her eyes were lit and her cute tuft of blonde hair was bobbing with her glee. This was the Myfanwy I fell in love with. Myfanwy stopped. She looked at me, "What are you grinning at." I didn't know what to say, I hoped my face said it all.

Unfortunately the bad news had to come. Getting serious, "I said unfortunately I have a real problem which is seriously undermining our relationship and that is trust. Why did you really get off with Jase?"

"I know I just did. Everyone was all on drugs and shit faced, having sex and he was available, there and the only one I thought acceptable. I think Shayde may have had a hand in planning it and I found myself trapped. She said you guys in the band were shagging other girls. Guys in bands always did that."

"And you believed her."

"Of course, I believed her."

"The universal problem with belief is that people believe what they want to believe and they hang on to that despite evidence to the contrary. Why did you want to believe that I was shagging other women?"

"I... I don't know really. Are you suggesting I wanted to believe you were doing it?"

"You must have, why would you want to believe it? You never asked me. I think it was because you wanted to shag other guys."

"Never!"

"You think about it. You acted on what you believed without verifying it. That's showing disrespect to me.

You might try and justify it but fundamentally, even if you didn't want to experience a bit of shagging around, I think you wanted to hurt me. Why would you want to hurt me?"

"In my mind it keeps coming back to my Mother, I don't think I ever wanted to hurt you so much as I wanted some power of my own, I suppose. I suspect Shayde had a big hand in it. She heard what I was saying and took advantage for her brother's sake. I think she thought I could do some good for Jase but it all got out of hand."

"This brings up the question, what other scenario could happen where you might just want to do this sort of thing again."

"I would never do that again."

"Easy to say but you would have said the same thing after we were married I am sure. We both do not have a crystal ball. Anything is possible but is it probable? I don't know the answer to that question. We have to work through this trust issue. If we decide we are determined we will need counselling. First of all, I understand your regret about what you have done. Do you understand and acknowledge the damage you have done to our relationship, the depth of hurt to me?"

Myfanwy thought about the answer. "I acknowledge it, I imagine what you must feel, at least I imagine what I would feel in the circumstance but I can't actually feel it. I feel devastated myself but that is selfish I guess. I know because I love you I don't have an automatic right to your love. I will have to earn it."

"Ah that's where respect comes in."

"I believe I am recovering my respect for you, I never expected you to stand by me. I probably would not have done that myself in the past but I think you have brought home to me that there is a better way rather than anger and revenge. I can't understand why don't you hate me?"

"Well I have had phases of hate but I have surprised myself. I haven't gone through the stages of grief people talk about but deep down I don't think I have never believed it was over. Maybe I will discover it is over and I will begin the grief process then."

"Not if I can help it."

"Ah yes, but it is not entirely up to you."

Myfanwy frowned and look down, "sorry, you are right of course."

"I actually think we have to each prove ourselves to each other. Despite your apparent optimism I think I am going to have to prove myself to you. You are going to go away and think that maybe all that I have said are just words and I am secretly plotting some revenge."

Myfanawy smiled ironically, "Actually I have thought that."

"We have to build ourselves into a situation of 'an us' (I stressed 'us') we are in this together. We are a unit; not you and then me or vice versa. That is the first thing I want. Do you want that?"

"Unequivocally yes."

"I want a family."

"Yes, yes and double yes."

"But there has to be some sacrifice to achieve it. Well, one is that I have to tell you that I want to move to Auckland. I have already been making arrangements. I would want you to join me there."

"What about my house? What about my job?"

"You would have to work that through. There would be options. I am not asking you to throw your career away. The house, well that is yours but do you have to live in it?"

"What sacrifice are you making?"

"That's partly up to you but there will be one and it's a big one for me."

"What's that?"

"This is going to hurt you. It has hurt me. You know how Sarah is. I told Blake and Sarah that I am trying to reconcile with you and come back to Auckland. They have told me under no uncertain terms that if I reconcile with you, they will want nothing more to do with both of us."

"That's horrible." Myfanwy looked distraught. "How could Blake do that he's like a brother, you have been friends since you were kids."

"Blake loves Sarah and he accepts the bad with what he thinks is most important. I don't like it, but I respect him for that actually. I am not saying that you would ever do what Sarah has done but I would like to think that we could share the same level of loyalty."

There was a brief silence and I remembered my Dad's advice.

"Myfanwy, my Dad had some interesting things about commitment. In his opinion commitment to one another is more important than love. In a relationships love waxes and wanes, it is not constant. Sometimes when we are under stress we might hate one another. He said commitments pulls you through. It enables you to resist the temptation of falling in love with someone like Jase or just having sex with someone because you are lonely and really horny.

I thought about this commitment thing and I really believe him. I think it must be how all those arranged marriages work in the East. Can you think about that?"

Myfanwy was listening intently to this. She really liked my father. Perhaps he got the respect due to me. She appeared to think about it and eyes wide appeared to have an epiphany. " Absolutely! He is right you know. Blake and Sarah are like that, totally committed!"

I continued, "I guess if it is established we are totally committed then we can work through those other things like our sex life. With commitment comes will and this last thing that seems so huge we can get over."

"The baby?"

"Yes."

"I want the baby."

"That is entirely your decision but I have thought about it and thought about it and I could never live with that child."

"Maybe you have over thought about it. It could be just like an adoption."

"Sorry Myfanwy. I said that I don't hate you but I am only human. I hated Jase intensely as I hate Shayde. I told you I was hurt badly. That child would be the constant reminder of the worst day of my life. It would constantly interfere with our reconciliation and progressively undermine our relationship.

You could have an abortion, or you could have the baby and put it up for adoption. I would not want to see out the pregnancy with you. The reminder of the baby you were carrying has already affected our lovemaking."

"I wondered about that."

We are separated at present. If you decide to keep the baby then we would just remain separated and call it a day. If you want to reconcile, you can maybe adopt the baby, we can do our counselling and when we are confident tear the agreement up. If you do decide to keep the baby I pledge I will still be a friend. I have already forgiven you for the transgression. I think I understand what happened and I also understand that I had a hand in it by taking you for granted and didn't do more to communicate on a personal level. For that I am profoundly sorry. "

I looked at Myfanwy. She was silently crying. Those sad puppy dog eyes were killing me and I had to look aside.

Myfanwy was silent for some time. I tried to put my arm around her but she pushed me away,

Finally she said, "I'm sorry too... Alex, I don't understand you. It's not the babies fault. I don't see why it has to end this way."

I tried to speak but she cut me off, "Don't speak to me, I'm leaving."

* * * * *

The next three months were the loneliest of my life. Yes I went to Auckland by myself. I was able to stay with the firm I was with in Wellington. I thought that I would have to spend time travelling between the two as I transitioned into my work load but when I examined my Wellington work the break was relatively easy with a new colleague picking up most of the load.

Some of it required travel anyway so I kept that portion and handled it from Auckland just as easily.

I didn't speak with Myfanwy after that conversation. She refused my calls. I never heard from Bryony or Annaliese.

I was pissed off with Blake and Sarah and resented them deeply for it. We did not cross paths in Auckland and I never sought them out. I put that part of my life behind me.

I got my own small apartment. About the only socializing I did was with my parents. My Mother was not too happy about my attitude to the baby but my Dad understood.

He and I jammed quite a bit. I was developing my acoustic guitar style. I loved the slide. We talked about making a trip to New Orleans and started planning that little fantasy.

I used my time to establish my new workload and develop a business network. It did not include anything romantic. My libido sunk to zero, really. I was just numb. I had it all bottled up.

I suppose it was about four months into my self-imposed banishment when my door bell rung.

I opened it without thinking and was astonished to see Myfanwy standing there. She rushed at me crying. "My baby; my baby I got rid of my baby!" That got me crying, we kind of staggered clinging together into the living room and collapsed on the couch. "Myfanwy began apologising "sorry, I'm so sorry I never intended blurt that out, can you please forgive me."

"Shut up!"

Stunned silence.

"Why are you here?"

"I have come to Auckland. I want to be with you."

It suddenly dawned on me the enormity of what I had asked her to do. I realised she would deal with this hurt all her life and I would have to live with the guilt that I had forced her to do it. In retrospect the burden of that seems to have perversely bound us together and I guess eventually the knowledge that we both felt that way underpinned the profound respect we developed for each other.

It was hard. We went to counselling but not for long. We already had most of it sussed, as it turned out and we had steely determination to make it happen, one way or another. Mum helped us a lot just by being a wise caring mother more than anything. It helped that she loved and understood Myfanwy and Myfanwy reciprocated.

Myfanwy had transferred to the Auckland studio. She sold her house and we picked a cute one close to the sea in Auckland. Yes we had a few expeditions tramping in the South Island and eventually in the UK and Canada before coming back and starting a family. We included a visit to Myfanwy's relations in Wales. Myfanwy and I began playing together, I revived my interest in classical guitar and we would duet, lute and guitar. The best was when Dad joined us.

And would you know it. It took a whole four months for Myfanwy to come to Auckland, because the little bunny had a vaginoplasty!

Would do you know it worked like a charm, I had my velvet glove back.