No More Swedish Meatballs

Kristen was also disappointed. She’d been sure Dad was going to drive a convertible. No such luck. Ned didn’t care what the car looked like. He loved every car ever built and was proud his family had a new one.

Karl’s work kept him preoccupied and worried during the mid-fifties. Rumors about transfers to Dayton or New Mexico abounded. Karl dug in his heels. He was damned if he was going to give up the house so the company started sending him on business trips.

About the same time, Evelyn tried to go back to her career as a social worker. But it didn’t work out. The first job she got blew up in her face. So she went to work part time as a typist. At least it helped fill her days. She was miserable and didn’t know what to do about it.

Big things were happening in the world. Evelyn became a news junkie as a result of the By of Pigs and the Cuban Missile crisis. She wondered whatever happened to Max. Max the commie-baiter.

Evelyn was usually okay during the week. She had to be or she wouldn’t have been able to work. But when the weekend came there was hell to pay. Every Friday Karl would go to the beer distributor and buy Evelyn a case of Ballentine Ale. Evelyn would start drinking right after dinner on Friday night. She’d sit in the kitchen chain smoking and drinking beer after beer. When she finally got a load on, the fire and venom would spill out. Karl and Evelyn had horrible fights almost every weekend. There was nothing the kids could do about it. The cops were called in a couple of times but they didn’t give a damn. It was just another domestic fight.

Karl felt like he was living some Greek legend. His work week was the hill he climbed over and over again. Each time he arrived at the top of the hill Evelyn got to claw out his guts. What the Hell was he punishing himself for? It didn’t do him or Evelyn any good and it sure wasn’t good for the kids.

Often Karl would come home from a business trip to find the kids running wild and Evelyn in a drunken stupor. He didn’t know what was wrong. He thought Evelyn was losing her mind.

They got into a terrible fight one February night in 1963. Evelyn started throwing things out the bedroom window. When Karl tried to restrain her he ended up with a broken nose.

“This has got to stop,” he said miserably as he tried to staunch the flow of blood. “You need a psychiatrist. I’ll find someone tomorrow.”

“I’m not going to any God damn head shrinker,” Evelyn raged.

“If you don’t I’ll talk to a divorce lawyer instead,” Karl shouted back.

“You’d divorce me?” Evelyn spat out furiously.

“In the blink of an eye,” Karl replied. His fury was cooling into a cold, hard ball of steel.

“Don’t even think about it,” Evelyn warned. I’ll take the house and the kids and every dime you have.”

“It’d be worth it to be rid of you, you crazy bitch. He walked out of the bedroom not bothering to slam the door. He was halfway down the stairs when 8 year old Kristen came running after him. She was crying.

“Where are you going, Daddy,” she sobbed. “Are you leaving? Can I go with you?” She was terrified. She remembered her fantasy where mom and dad split up and she went with one parent while Elizabeth and Ned went with the other. She didn’t want it to come true. A voice deep inside taunted her be careful what you wish for.

“You can’t come with me tonight, Puss,” Karl said softly as he reached down to pull her into his arms. He held her for a minute. His jaw was clenched and there were tears in his eyes. “I have to go to my office,” he lied. “I’ll be back before too long.”

“Please let me come. I won’t bother you, I promise,” Kristen urged.

“No.” He put her down and left the house.

Karl didn’t know where to go when he started the car. He thought about hitting the freeway and driving all night just for the hell of it. But he drove the short distance to his office instead. He parked the car at the far side of the lot and walked slowly to the building.

When he got to his office he sat down behind his desk and stared at the wall. He had some hard thinking to do. What did he want to do? Where was his life heading? He was still young. He had half a lifetime ahead of him. Did he want to spend the rest of his days like this? God no! He couldn’t bear to think of a future with nothing but work and the battlefield his home had become. He had to do something or he’d end up like his mother. Dead at the end of a rope.

He looked around his office. What had the business given him over the years as a reward for his long hours and hard work? Not a whole hell of a lot. He worked for a miserly company. Raises were few and far between. The benefits package was good but that wouldn’t help much if he was going to have to support two house holds.

There, he thought. I’ve finally formed the thought. That’s the first step out. How am I going to do this? I have to have a plan.

Over the years he’d tried hard to keep home and work separate. Things were going to have to change he realized. I’ll need a lot more income. Oh well, he thought, at least I’m marketable. But who do I want to sell myself to? There are going to have to be trade offs. I can’t stay with this company. I’d either have to go to Dayton or move into management. Both options offer endless work in an unpalatable environment.

I could move to another company but the problems would be the same. In the end I’d probably have to give up my research. Strike the private sector as an option. That leaves academia or the government.

I could look for a research job at a university. I have the knowledge and experience but not the credentials they’d want. I’d have to go back to school for a masters or maybe even a doctorate. That would take years. Meanwhile I’d be living in poverty and the kids would grow up without any financial security.

I guess it’s the government then. Well they’ve come sniffing around me often enough in the past. I guess it’s time to see what they have to offer. Karl felt immensely better once he made his decision.

Then he thought about the kids. His heart gave a lurch. Can I really break up the family? he wondered. The kids were the light of his life. And his life was getting darker and darker every day. They’re growing so fast. Ned’s a great little man, but he’s starting to grow wild. He’s already thirteen. He’s got to do something about his grades. There’s no reason for him to be bringing home D’s and F’s. He’s smarter than I am. Beat me at chess the third time we played.

And what about Elizabeth? So big and awkward. Eleven’s a terrible age. She’s always angry, just like her mother. She and Evelyn are so much alike it’s no wonder they can’t get along. What’ll Elizabeth do if I move out? No. She’ll be alright as long as she’s with Ned. Those two are almost inseparable, which is hard on Kristen.

Kristen. A little bundle of emotions. She’s much too sensitive. Like me, he realized ruefully. Sometimes I think she’s a mind reader. Always trying to make peace. How she suffers when Evelyn and I fight. I think a divorce would be a good thing for her.

Karl smiled remembering Kristen as a toddler, tagging after him relentlessly. Always probing and asking questions. “What are you doing, Daddy?” had been her first sentence. Sometimes it drove him crazy. He’d get fed up and snap “none of your business.” Then Kristen’s eyes would fill with tears. She’d stick out her little chin and toddle off. Karl’s hear would ache for hours afterwards, but Kristen never held a grudge. A couple of hours later she’d be back with her sunny smile trying to cheer him up.

God how he loved the kids. He didn’t want to break up the family. Maybe I’ll stick it out for a while longer. Until Ned and Elizabeth are in college. Then I’ll move out and take Kristen with me.

Karl’s mind filled with dreams of the future. He dozed off with his head on his desk. He woke up a few hours later with the solution to a theoretical problem which had been plaguing him for weeks. He started writing. Before he knew it, it was 7:30 and the early shift was arriving.

At 8:45 Jim Philips knocked on his door. He whistled when he saw Karl’s disheveled state. This is new. I thought you never worked at night. Or is there trouble in paradise?” he asked noticing Karl’s swollen nose. Jim knew about Karl’s domestic problems.

“Yeah,” Karl admitted. “Same old thing. Only this time I gave Evelyn an ultimatum. If she doesn’t see a psychiatrist I’m going to a divorce lawyer. I’ve got to make some calls today. Try to set something up for her. “Christ Jim, I’m really at the end of my rope. I don’t know what to do. The kids’ll be at her mercy if I leave her. I don’t want to be a Saturday father. And then there’s the financial angle. I can’t see how I can support myself and keep up the house as well. And honestly, I don’t know if I can stick it out even if Evelyn gets help. I’m tired of living in a battlefield. I want some peace and quiet and something good to come home to after work. Life with Evelyn just doesn’t cut it anymore. I’m thinking of packing it all in. Finding a job somewhere far away from Evelyn. A job that would pay enough to support two households.”

Jim had taken a seat while Karl was talking and was listening intently. “Jesus. I wish I do something to help. I can’t imagine what you must be going through. Life really stinks sometimes.”

“Yeah. And then there’s my research. I don’t want to leave it right now. I’ve reached a fascinating point. In fact, I had a bit of a break through last night. Take a look at this.” He showed Jim the work he’d been doing over the past few hours.

“That’s amazing. You’re really on to something,” he said with a great deal of respect in his voice. Keep at it. Don’t let the home front drag you down. Something will break. ‘It’s always darkest before the dawn’” he quipped, then looked at his watch. “But you shouldn’t take any precipitous action. You’re highly valued here. Talk to Hurst about your position before you go off half cocked. Look at the time. I’d better get to my desk. Give me a call if you need me, okay buddy?”

“Sure.” Karl was already deep in thought. It was almost noon before he looked up from his papers. His back was killing him from sitting hunched over the plans he was working on. Hell, he thought as he got up from his desk to stretch. I’ve got to find a psychiatrist for Evelyn. Jesus, where do I begin? I wonder if my medical insurance will foot the bill. Karl kept his employees’ manual in his office. As he perused he learned the policy only covered emergency psychiatric care. God damn it he swore. With this plan I’ll have to wait until Evelyn does something really crazy, or foot the bill myself. How did I get into this trap? He decided to make a few calls anyway. I should at least get a sense of what they mean by ‘emergency.’ It took three hours to find the right doctor. Ultimately he located a psychiatrist in Bryn Mawr who charged reasonable fees and could see Evelyn the next day.

Jim stopped by Karl’s office at the end of the day.

“Am I interrupting?” Jim asked?

“No. I just wasted the afternoon trying to find a psychiatrist for Evelyn. Did you know our insurance only covers emergency psychiatric care?”

“No, I didn’t. But this is an emergency, isn’t it?”

“God, I don’t know.” Karl looked at the ceiling and sighed. “We get into these fights all the time. The only thing different is that I’m fed up to my ears.”

“You don’t have to tell the doctor that. All you have to do is describe Evelyn’s symptoms. That ought to get him on your side for the insurance company.”

“You think it’ll be that easy?” Karl asked

“I hope so, for your sake. You shouldn’t have to foot the bill for Evelyn’s care.”

“You got that right.” Karl looked at his watch. It was almost five o’clock. “Well, he said, “I guess it’s time to head home and face the music.”

“Well, I wish you luck my friend. Let me know how it goes. And if there’s anything I can do, don’t hesitate to ask.

“I appreciate it, I really do. So you really think I should go to Hurst before looking around for another job?”

“I do,” Jim said. You may be surprised by how much they value you.”

“It sounds like you know something I don’t.”

“Just talk to Hurst.”

“Hell.” Karl shrugged. “I can never get an appointment with him when I want to. He’s an illusive son of a bitch and his guard dog of a secretary acts like he’s the Pope or something.”

“Kelly’s not so bad. I dated her for a while before I met Wanda.”

“You’re joking! You dated the boss’ secretary? When was that?”

“When I first moved here. I didn’t know a soul. Kelly was nice to me so I asked her out. Tell you what, I’ll call her and ask her to set up an appointment for you. I owe her a lunch, anyway. We get together every so often to reminisce.”

“Reminisce, huh?” Karl looked at Jim with suspicion. “Is that all you do?”

Jim shrugged and smiled. “It’s not a bad idea to have an ear in the boss’ office.

Karl was shocked. “What about Wanda?”

“What about her?” Jim asked. “What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her. In a way I’m doing it for her. Well, maybe more for the kids. Look, it’s a tough world and it’s getting tougher every day. I keep Kelly happy and she gives me an ear into the board room.

“That’s pretty cold don’t you think?” Karl asked. He was floored by Jim’s attitude. It just goes to show that no matter how close you are to someone you never really know them.

No. It’s working out pretty well. It’s good for me and for my marriage. I don’t bring pleasure to Wanda in bed. Her mother brainwashed her about the “familial duty” a long time ago. Me and Wanda…, well, we get along alright. I guess we still love each other. But I need some passion in my life. I get that from Kelly. Actually, it makes things better for Wanda. She doesn’t have to perform in bed any more. But if she ever found out she’d kill me.”

Karl shook his head ruefully. “What a tangled web. I wouldn’t dare try something like that. Evelyn goes nuts every time a woman glances my way. And she certainly wasn’t brainwashed by her mother. Sex is the one thing that’s always gone right with my marriage. That and the kids. Doesn’t Kelly put pressure on you to leave Wanda?”

“Huh uhn. Kelly knows the score. She’s big game hunting, anyway. Passing time with me and hoping to land an upper level executive.”

“She actually admits it?” Karl said, amazed.

“Yeah. To me. She’s a good lady but very ambitious. When I started to get serious about her she let me down gently saying I wasn’t upper level material.”

“She sounds like a Class A bitch.”

“She can be. But she’s also good to have for a friend. I’ll make nice with her tomorrow and get you an appointment with the big cheese.” Jim glanced at his watch. “I’ve gotta go. It’s my turn to ferry the kids around after school. Wanda has garden club or some other damn thing. I’ll talk to you tomorrow after lunch. Meantime, think about how best to sell yourself to Hurst.”

Karl stayed late in his office that night thinking things through. He decided to take Jim’s advice. He called Evelyn to tell her he was working late and started preparing for a meeting with Hurst.

Evelyn was furious when he got home. She’d been brooding and drinking since he called to say he’d be late.

“So this is my punishment for last night,” she said acidly. “Now you’re gonna start working late. I get the picture. First it’ll be an hour or two one night a week and before long you’ll be working ‘til midnight every night, leaving me stuck here with the kids.”

Karl was in no mood for a fight. “Give it a rest, Evelyn, please. I’m tired and hungry. We’ll talk after I eat.”

“Alright.” Evelyn bit back her anger and went to the ‘fridge for another beer.

“Don’t you think you’ve had enough for one night? How are you going to work tomorrow with a hangover?” Karl said as he dumped some leftovers into a pan on the stove.

“No, I haven’t had enough. You can’t tell me that. I’m sick and tired of your holeyer that thou attitude. I’ll tell you when I’ve had enough.”

“Stop it!” Karl shouted. “Jesus Christ, give me a little peace, will you? I’m sick and tired of coming home to a battlefield. Do you hear me?” He grabbed Evelyn by the shoulders and shoved her out of the kitchen into the living room. The kids were gathered around the TV trying to pretend nothing was wrong.

“I’ve had enough of your bullshit, Evelyn,” he raged. “You’re driving me nuts. You’re seeing a psychiatrist tomorrow. If you don’t go I’m gonna put an end to this marriage.”

“You’re the one who needs a psychiatrist,” Evelyn shouted. “There’s nothing wrong with me except that I’m married to you, you son of a bitch. Go ahead. Divorce me. I’d love to be free of you.”

The battle raged on. Ned, Elizabeth and Kristen sat glued to the TV. Ned turned up the volume. Kristen put her hands over her ears and started to cry. Elizabeth couldn’t stand it any longer.

“Shut up!” she yelled at her parents. “Shut up, shut up, shut up!” She burst into tears and ran up the stairs to her bedroom. Suddenly there was silence in the house. Karl and Evelyn looked at each other in dismay.

“This can’t go on,” Karl said quietly. “Look what we’re doing to the kids. I want out, Evelyn. I can’t live this way anymore. I’ll get a room somewhere for the night. You have an appointment with Dr. Keirnan at one o’clock tomorrow. He’s in Bryn Mayr. You’ll have to take the train because I need the car. Keep the appointment Evelyn. Do it for the kids.” He felt like a very old man as he went upstairs to pack a bag.

Kristen followed him. “Take me with you daddy,” she begged tearfully.

“I can’t, cup cake,” he told her sadly as he packed. “You have to stay here and be a good girl. I won’t be gone long. Your mother and I have some things to work out. Don’t worry. Everything’s going to be alright. You should be in bed now. It’s late. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Promise?”

“I promise,” he said, giving her a good night kiss. Then he walked down the stairs, said good night to Ned and Elizabeth as he passed through the living room into the kitchen. Evelyn was sitting at the kitchen table with her beer and cigarettes.

“I’ll call you sometime tomorrow to let you know where I’ll be staying,” Karl said as he walked out the back door. Evelyn didn’t acknowledge his leaving.

There was an ominous silence in the house after Karl left. Ned and Elizabeth stared at Evelyn accusingly.

“What are you looking at?” she shouted. “Go to bed.”

Ned and Elizabeth rushed upstairs. Their bedroom doors slammed shut. Evelyn stayed in the kitchen with the light off for a while watching her cigarette smoke waif and curl upwards. The room was still and dark, illuminated only by the angry red coal in the ashtray. What am I going to do? She thought while she listened to the tick tock of the clock in the hall. She’d been stunned by the hurt in her children’s’ eyes when she shouted at them to go to bed. Maybe I do need a shrink. She decided she’d keep the appointment Karl made for her. Then she stubbed out her cigarette and went upstairs to bed.

Kristen was hiding in her bedroom closet, her face streaked with tears and her thumb in her mouth when Elizabeth came to bed. Elizabeth crawled partly into the closet and talked softly to her baby sister. “It’s just a game that grown ups play,” she told Kristen in a soothing tone of voice. They don’t mean what they say when they shout at each other. Don’t worry Kristen, everything will be alright tomorrow.”

“I don’t think so,” Kristen sniffled a bit and tried to stop crying. “Dad means it this time. He’s going to leave us. It’s just like in my dream.”

“Come on, silly,” Elizabeth said. “Dreams don’t mean anything. Dad’ll come home from work tomorrow like usual and everything will be back to normal.”

“Are you sure?” Kristen asked hopefully. If Elizabeth said so it had to be true. Elizabeth was Kristen’s oracle. “Tell me a story,” she said from the back of the closet.